Safe plan needed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 

I've been been in a relationship with my now spouse for 11 years and married for 9. Things never made sense from the start. He always left me with my mouth gaping wide is such disbelief of the sequence of events. He has a very career-oriented career and does travel expectally for sometimes long periods of time. I brought a son into the relationship. He was 2 at the time (now 15) when we started dating. 

Their relationship has always been rocky to say the least.  My son does have ADHD and has seen our relationship cycle after cycle so over the years we just ignored or accepted what was happening.  We moved around a lot due to his job and he had so much mind control over me that I really did think it was me. I wasn't raising my son to be respected because we were close.

Fast forward to now. My husband did adopt my son. Together we had a son he is 3 and is medically complex. I'm the sole caretaker of both boys. My husband lacks a connection and doesn't even have a carpet in any of his vehicles.  He is SO unpredictability predictable if this makes sense. We are all currently receiving counseling. I've completed my part. He sill is carried and has his handheld and is making no progress in therapy.  All of these years I've been saying the same thing over and over. I live my life in the cycles my husband has created. I've lost friends and my family is not supportive.  I lost my only connection in 2019 and between my sons and the cycling I haven't made any friends since we had to relocate and had to leave behind my nursing career once I had my youngest 3 years ago.

It wasn't until 3 days ago that I learned this diagnosis and it was like a light bulb turned on! Finally there was the words to describe my life... I wasn't the only one. I contacted our marriage counselor and discussed this with her. She agrees it is a huge possibility and is referring him to a provider that can help him manage his anger. She will tell him Monday and I'm more than sure he will not go because he "does not have an anger problem ". It will not be a good day.

I've caught my husband nose to nose to my oldest screaming at him twice in the last few weeks. I've interrupted him both times stopping him from the unthinkable. I've never felt I can trust him with my oldest... ever. My youngest I think he is very scared and really doesn't know how to be a dad. There is no instructions. He is SO black or white and the thought of a gray area he flips out, flips his switch.

Long story short. I have nothing documented, money is controlled, no support, and feeling overwhelmed. I'm a little shell shocked and it's hard to think clear. I need help with a safe plan, an exit plan, just a dang plan to get my kids safe! He is currently away for business until after the holiday. My oldest just told me that his dad choked him on the first night I interrupted and broke up my husband's "showing him who is in charge " moment to get him to calm down.  I did not see this however,  I don't doubt what my son said. Mind you this is our plan from our therapist to help my husband calm down.  I have to have a plan. Please no negative comments. I understand the mistakes and what damage it has caused. I'm looking for ways to make things safer.

Can anyone help me understand why he hates my son so much? They are a lot of like and my son just seeks that connection but never receives anything  but negativity. 

[TuringPoint07]

 

I've been been in a relationship with my now spouse for 11 years and married for 9. Things never made sense from the start. He always left me with my mouth gaping wide is such disbelief of the sequence of events. He has a very career-oriented career and does travel expectally for sometimes long periods of time. I brought a son into the relationship. He was 2 at the time (now 15) when we started dating. 

Their relationship has always been rocky to say the least.  My son does have ADHD and has seen our relationship cycle after cycle so over the years we just ignored or accepted what was happening.  We moved around a lot due to his job and he had so much mind control over me that I really did think it was me. I wasn't raising my son to be respected because we were close.

Fast forward to now. My husband did adopt my son. Together we had a son he is 3 and is medically complex. I'm the sole caretaker of both boys. My husband lacks a connection and doesn't even have a carpet in any of his vehicles.  He is SO unpredictability predictable if this makes sense. We are all currently receiving counseling. I've completed my part. He sill is carried and has his handheld and is making no progress in therapy.  All of these years I've been saying the same thing over and over. I live my life in the cycles my husband has created. I've lost friends and my family is not supportive.  I lost my only connection in 2019 and between my sons and the cycling I haven't made any friends since we had to relocate and had to leave behind my nursing career once I had my youngest 3 years ago.

It wasn't until 3 days ago that I learned this diagnosis and it was like a light bulb turned on! Finally there was the words to describe my life... I wasn't the only one. I contacted our marriage counselor and discussed this with her. She agrees it is a huge possibility and is referring him to a provider that can help him manage his anger. She will tell him Monday and I'm more than sure he will not go because he "does not have an anger problem ". It will not be a good day.

I've caught my husband nose to nose to my oldest screaming at him twice in the last few weeks. I've interrupted him both times stopping him from the unthinkable. I've never felt I can trust him with my oldest... ever. My youngest I think he is very scared and really doesn't know how to be a dad. There is no instructions. He is SO black or white and the thought of a gray area he flips out, flips his switch.

Long story short. I have nothing documented, money is controlled, no support, and feeling overwhelmed. I'm a little shell shocked and it's hard to think clear. I need help with a safe plan, an exit plan, just a dang plan to get my kids safe! He is currently away for business until after the holiday. My oldest just told me that his dad choked him on the first night I interrupted and broke up my husband's "showing him who is in charge " moment to get him to calm down.  I did not see this however,  I don't doubt what my son said. Mind you this is our plan from our therapist to help my husband calm down.  I have to have a plan. Please no negative comments. I understand the mistakes and what damage it has caused. I'm looking for ways to make things safer.

Can anyone help me understand why he hates my son so much? They are a lot of like and my son just seeks that connection but never receives anything  but negativity. 

[GaGrl]

I recently worked with my stepdaughter a Safe Plan. She did two things in preparation for a separation that her SO did not want.

1) She and her daughter packed a "go bag" of clothes, yoiletries, necessary/important papers and documentation. The bags are in the trunk of her car.

2) She contacted a local Domestic Violence group and received a preliminary consult with them.

Have you done either of these yet?

Do you have a place to go should your H become violent with your son again?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi TurningPoint, 

I'm so glad to hear that you have a T that you are working with who is helping you know what to do in certain situations with your SO. You are doing what you need to do in order to keep you and your S all safe.

How are things today? It has been a couple days since you posted so I wanted to check on you.

An extra hug for you today. 
Wools

[Turkish]

TuringPoint07,

We do have a safety plan here:

Safety Plan

I would encourage you to reach out to an local help like such as the YWCA. The call is anonymous, and they can help you talk through things to keep yourself safe and possible next steps. It also is good to talk to a caring and experienced voice on the phone. I referred my ex a few years ago and she said that it was very helpful.

The choking is very concerning, whether or not that you witnessed it. Have you talked to your son about a safety plan? He will take the lead from you, and that would be better than him telling someone else.

Are you and your kids generally safe, or is your husband's anger and behavior constant or getting worse?

[I Am Redeemed]

To answer your last question, my guess is that he is jealous of your oldest son and probably always has been.

Others have provided some great info about making safety plans. We also have an article that details more about relationships that involve domestic violence:

Domestic Violence for Women

Another resource is the National Domestic Violence hotline. You can call or do an anonymous chat. I found them to be extremely helpful when I left my abuser:

www.thehotline.org

Does the marriage counselor know the extent of the violence between your h and your son? The counselor may be able to put you in touch with local resources or help you prepare a safety plan tailored to your specific needs.

[TuringPoint07]

Thanks everyone for your encouraging words, support, and wisdom.  My apologies for the late reply. Things seemed to move rather fast this week.

I reached out to a local shelter and received great information.  I did meet with our marriage therapist who fully supported my decision on leaving. My husband was away for a business trip so I had two options.  To stay and waited until things escalated again and I would leave with nothing or pack everything valuable and leave before he returned home in less than 24 hours. I chose to leave before he returned home. It was the hardest right decision I ever had to make. I packed almost all of my stuff, my home business, my dogs stuff, my two sons things, my youngests special foods to get us started (severe food allergies to 12 foods), and made a big donation to our thrift shop. I filled a little 5×10" storage unit full all by myself while shuffling my kids around to their normal places. We have a ring camera out front so I was advised to keep all activities as planned which I did. I gave all providers a heads up and scheduled extra counseling sessions for my oldest who finally opened up to the abuse.

The next 24 hours were pretty intense with all the calls, texts, and messenger calls. He went as far as reaching out to my friends list to add them and message them if they knew anything and where I was. He even added snapchat to add our son. I was granted a short term protective order for myself and my oldest and also received temporary custody until the long term hearing.

After discussing the idea that my husband had ppd and she reviewed a few sessions of ours she 100% agreed and at our last session she was concerned for her own safety. Makes sense.

I still can't believe we are out. I started to feel bad and was remembering the beginning of every cycle. Until I had to reread through my 10 years worth of notes and voice recordings.  After I was done I felt like such a fool. If I only read them... ever before. I was always too busy keeping the peace. I also only managed to collect $600 before I felt. It is better than none!

Never underestimate yourself!

[ForeverDad]

You will feel all sorts of emotions in the next days and weeks.  But don't fret overmuch.  You don't have to decide day by day to change your path.  You made a decision based in information, patterns and your increased knowledge overall of your family's circumstances.  Stick with it, you didn't make this decision lightly, you did it for a reason.  Here's some practical advice from my experience over 15 years ago...

Another piece of advice is that once you've called for help or made a report, you will be pressured to cancel or withdraw it.  Most likely the offender, but possibly too well-meaning but clueless friends or relatives.  I recall what the police officer told me when I made my first report (and she was thereafter charged with Threat of DV)...

When I made my police report about now-ex's Threat of DV, the officer warned me, he had seen this before, that dropping the matter would not make things better.

I've also commented that you'll get better response from officials if you follow through on your calls for help.  If you ponder the situation, you can imagine police getting a call to respond to your address and one remarking to the other, "Oh, I know that address.  No rush.  Ms Waffle always calls for help but then retracts her complaints later."  You don't want a reputation as a revolving door litigant.  If it is a serious matter, follow through on the process.

[GaGrl]

You are pretty amazing to have done all that in six days!

I have noticed, about myself, that some situations require a switch to flip in my brain. I am a tolerant person, and I will put up with something for a long time, until one day -- the light switch flips on, and I do whatever it takes to resolve it. Somehow, the energy comes with that decision.

Take care of yourself over the next week's and months. Be gentle with yourself. There will still be a lot to play out.

Please keep us updated. We can help and support you.

[ForeverDad]

I have noticed, about myself, that some situations require a switch to flip in my brain. I am a tolerant person, and I will put up with something for a long time, until one day -- the light switch flips on, and I do whatever it takes to resolve it. Somehow, the energy comes with that decision.

GaGrl expressed it so well.  I can only add that now that you've made your decision and taken the first steps on a new path, what the next steps to take are will become increasingly clear and increasingly positive.