Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
September 22, 2021, 12:44:33 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Disappointment  (Read 230 times)
MsCamper

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 21


« on: September 11, 2021, 01:01:32 PM »

I am probably more disappointed in myself than in my H. I needed a place to release for a moment so I am coming to you all.

I asked for a separation last week and have been having a hard time coping. I had not seen the kinder part of my H in weeks and upon asking for the separation he appeared. It killed me to keep my stance on the decision but I knew it was for the best. He had been spiraling too far and the insults and backlashes I received were becoming too much for my own mental health. However, there the man I married stood in front of me calm and sad that I was asking for him to leave.
Over the past week I know we have both been dealing with the emotional fallout from the event. He came over to gather some of his remaining items and I had hoped he would still appear as the man I had fallen in love with and longed to see come back but alas his split showed up at my doorstep. The same insults came out and eventually I told him that I had asked for the separation so that these fights could end and I was going to go inside. I knew nothing I could do or say would have any positive results.
During the week he has requested a divorce which I agreed to and asked for specific information so we could move forward. I do not have it in me to continue fighting for a marriage alone and if this was the route he wanted, I had no further ability to plead with him to change and stay. (I did not tell him this but that is where my emotions are.) My asking for this created more friction as then he said he did not want a divorce and I was being pushy. I said okay then let's take some time to consider our choices. Again, I did not want to argue and without evidence of fault we are bound to a 18 month separation regardless. (Again, not something I shared.) Then the next day it was divorce, then the next texting back and forth like those words were
never used. So confusing but eventually, while he was angry, he shared that he had reached out to get his medication shipped and was trying to get a hold of the counselor. Eureka! He was going to try. I knew it was not a solve and that it would be a long road but I love him enough that I would try along side him. As this was a statement he said while fighting against me, his argument this time that I did not understand what he was going through in me asking him for the separation, I simply replied that I knew he was going through a lot right now and that he was probably right in that I did not know the full magnitude of it. He told me he was tired and I told him good night.
The next morning wake up. I do not text him as I have found it best to give him some time but I did pull up my social medial account. We are still connected and his feed appeared. He has set up a new account and has 100+ women he is now following. Not just your average "I know" her friends and/or family but women pushing their chest up so that is the only thing you see in the photos, women shaking their butts to the camera, women bending over in every photo so you only see their read ends, women taking their cloths off until the point that they know to stop or their account will be shut down, some woman in clown makeup (???) shaking her breasts to the camera, etc.
I wanted to crawl back into bed and not wake up. I felt gross that he was doing this when the last few months all he could tell me was how little he wanted to touch me. When he is splitting I have dealt with a great amount of punishments but this one made me sick to my stomach. I had gone to bed with a little bit of hope that just taking the steps of reaching out for help was a positive sign only to wake up to this.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 16441


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2021, 12:29:03 AM »

This is the reality.  So sad.  Many people with BPD (pwBPD) are quick to jump to other relationships.  If you speak about it, though, he'd probably deny or shift blame rather than own it.

Since he is all over the map, the separation is a wise step.  Don't regret what you realized had to be done.

Keep in touch with us here in peer support.  There may be more shocks to come as well as some more pleas (or promises or pressuring) to retreat back to the old scenarios.
Logged

MsCamper

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 21


« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2021, 09:15:57 AM »

I have been able to spend the weekend in a nice no contact zone after this incident. It allowed me some time to spend time with friends. They have helped to provide support that while this is a hard situation to be in that I am someone to be valued even if he does not personally value me. I was able to talk about the BPD symptoms and how they drive a part of his behavior which allowed me to feel something beyond the anger and hurt towards him. It was not a feeling of wanting or wishing but more one of sadness that this is the path his mind has chosen for him.

I will say that the silence only lasted the two days. Today is my birthday and I woke up very early to texts coming in from him. (Ugh, forgot to turn off the ringer and I am a light sleeper right now.) I have been polite without mentioning that I have become aware of his returning pattern of behavior with women. I had hoped it would end with the Happy Birthday & Hope your weekend went wells but he is asking to get together after work. I have yet to reply as I want to say no but want to do so without conflict. I understand just saying no or saying I have other plans will probably trigger a negative reaction. Today of all days I had hoped not to have to face that obstacle.
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6173



« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2021, 10:36:51 AM »

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this today. I hope you can have a happy birthday with your friends who support you.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

I understand the disgust you must have felt seeing those online profiles. So I’ll share a story about my ex husband’s antics.

After we’d moved to a new area, he confessed he’d had a game he’d played in the beach town where we used to live. He’d found a number of houses of prostitution and he’d show up, asking for services. While negotiating price and what services he was interested in, he’d reach for his wallet and discover it was missing. (He’d purposely left it in his car.) But he’d tell the woman that he had been doing a drug deal at a friend’s house and he couldn’t call him because he’d gone surfing. He’d promise that he would pay later. (And of course he was lying.)

He figured that they’d want to have sex with a young good looking guy after all the old dudes they had. And apparently he got lucky sometimes, but also he got thrown out too.

When he told me that, I felt sick. I could never look at him the same way. It was before I knew about BPD. But the thought that he was able to behave that way made me question everything in our relationship, which already was tenuous, due to his abusive behavior, financial irresponsibility, and drug abuse.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that someone understands how deeply uncomfortable that must have made you.

Cat



Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Cant breathe

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken
Posts: 31


« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2021, 11:07:43 AM »

Ms Camper,
I am sorry you have to go through this, particularly on your birthday. I wish you well.
I know how hard this all is. I am struggling, too. Their behavior just doesn't make sense. And while I now know it is BPD, that still doesn't just magically fix the hurt that someone who had appeared to be a soulmate could be so callous.
My hope for you on your birthday -- my hope for us all -- is that we get enough distance where we can heal. Perhaps one day we will be leading healthy lives and this won't hurt so much. 
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 16441


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2021, 03:50:16 PM »

Right now, are you a bit undecided as to which way your future path leads?  A separation ending in divorce?  Or somehow hoping to figure out a way to make the new marriage work?

That's okay, we all needed time to figure out all the ramifications.

My thought to share is that sitting on the fence is very hard, especially for very long.  Once you've come to a decision you'll find it easier to take the subsequent necessary steps.
Logged

MsCamper

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 21


« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2021, 10:26:15 AM »

I wanted a separation. I wanted him to work on getting better and to focus on making us better. I wanted the man I met and sometimes see a glimpse of to come back. I say this but I was willing to accept that my decision to separate may result in a divorce. That staying in the same toxic circles was not healthy for me and asking for things to change may take the path of divorce. I was not surprised when he said he wanted a divorce and began to take my own actions to accept that decision. I began to speak to friends I had not because they made him uncomfortable, I leaned on my family and cried a lot. I have a counseling session scheduled but that is not until next week.

He showed up at my house yesterday with flowers in hand wanting to kiss me. I explained that if he was still wanting a divorce that being physical was not a healthy option for me. That going down that road and watching him leave to only speak of divorce again the next day would be too difficult. He started to speak about not wanting that, not remembering he even said it and that he would have thought I would see him showing up would have told me that. I attempted to explain his words on divorce were very clear and in writing (text) on multiple occasions. He had never stated anything else to me and as these were his last requests those are the requests I have in my mind. He shared that he did not think he could be in a real relationship with me or anyone else, that he was too broken, and that this outcome was not my fault. I told him some of the blame was mine. I did not know what I was facing or how to deal with it but over the past month or so I had been trying to find avenues that would help me in this as well. I offered to take some time, and we could even do that without contact if he needed, so that he could focus on himself first and make a decision about us without feeling any pressure. I was stupid enough to share that I had been in contact with my friends again as a support system and that during this time he needed to understand that this communication would still occur. That flipped the switch. He was immediately angry that I was speaking to people he did not approve of. Specifically a male friend I have had for years that lives out of state. I attempted to explain that I had not reached out to him, that we were still only friends and that I would never cross any lines with him nor anyone else. Fidelity in a marriage is something I believe in and regardless of whom I met I would never go down that road. He wanted me to walk away again but that I needed to walk away from every man I am friends with. I attempted to explain that he has female friends and I have not questioned his relationships with them. That I trusted him to know boundaries and, in the event that they were crossed, walk away. I told him that I would however do as he was asking in the event that he mirrored the same expectations. (keep in mind that while I truly have no issue with his female friends he has cheated on me before) I told him if I had to walk away from all male friends he needed to do the same with his female ones. Equal playing ground. At first he agreed and shared he would delete some of his social media accounts to validate this. (including the one where he had recently been following young women) Afterwards, he told me that this was all pointless and became more angry. At that time I knew I had to quit. That he was not listening and that it was strictly about meeting his needs so I said it was time for me to go inside. He took time sitting in my driveway to make all of his social media accounts private.

This morning things are all my fault again. I was not supportive. I gave him ultimatums. He wants the divorce.

I keep falling into the same trap. That he will do the treatments to better himself. That he will not explode. That he will see that I have been here trying to find any middle ground or take actions myself to support him. That I am here.
Logged
MsCamper

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 21


« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2021, 03:48:25 PM »

My morning responses were a set back to my own growth. I tried to re-explain that I was willing to try if he would. That I had offered to do so last night and was still offering this morning.

In the end I left it with that I had made attempts to understand his emotions. That I may not agree with each of them but I was understanding of them. That I in turn needed the same. I needed some validation as to my needs and feelings.

I have typed up an additional message stating that I should not have responded at all this morning. That I need to realize that I am the only one saying that they want to work on the relationship and making offers to do so. That I need to realize that my being willing to work on our relationship does not necessarily mean that is in a place where he can. That I have been the one making promised and trying for some time now. That I will stop making efforts going forward and to proceed with the divorce.
I have not sent the message. I am certain me saying I needed my needs validated were probably the final nail anyway. Sending this would only continue to appear to be seeking a remedy and I need to let go.

I need to come to terms with these feelings though. I asked my T to move my appointment up. Hopefully this helps as it has gotten too embarrassing to talk to my friends and family anymore.
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6173



« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2021, 09:41:28 AM »

What would it mean to you that he was willing to work on the relationship? What specific behaviors would you expect to see on a continuing basis?

If you can define this to your satisfaction, then you will have a definitive answer to whether or not he’s willing to try to make things better.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
MsCamper

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 21


« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2021, 01:17:39 PM »

What would it mean to you that he was willing to work on the relationship? Everything, it would have meant everything. It would not have changed the separation. The one thing we have agreed upon is that the current living situation was having an impact on our kids. This would allow us the opportunity to ensure they all had positive life experiences.

What specific behaviors would you expect to see on a continuing basis?
The women would have to stop. At this point not only the internet surfing but the female friends. My trust in his is totally depleted.
Silent treatment phases would end. I understand taking an afternoon to go do something and taking some time to yourself but the scheduled 12 hours and days on end of silent treatments would end.
He would take the medication. He would do the counseling.
We would go back to couples therapy.
No more guilt trips and no more placing all the blame on me. Ownership of some of his actions and their impacts.
Date night...our last date night was two months ago and we have only been married 5.
Wedding bands on.
Accepting that while he may be upset, there are times his anger is enough that the only resolution is for me to tell him I am going to walk away and we can talk when he feels more at ease. Not using those moments as threatening to leave because I am trying to defuse the situation.
If he has a request and I ask the same in return, return it. Fair is fair. Such as his request to walk away from my best friend (who is a man I have known for 18 years) and any other male friends I have and my return request for him to do so with female friends.
No more name calling. No more direct insults.
Touching...until he showed up the other day it had been weeks since he held my hand or did not pull away when I touched him.
This is the tough one as it is more than just a change between he and I...his work situation is also a problem. In finding the internet situation I noticed a trend. The gentleman he works directly with is following every single one of these women as well. This man is 20ish and single. While my H should be grown up enough to ignore things such as this, it is not the first time he has poorly followed a friends bad decisions to be liked and it taken him down a very bad path.

I am to meet him today to gather the rest of his items. As of the other night he declined anything I asked while still demanding things from me. I honestly do not expect anything out of tonight. A part of me is wanting to put it off but I know that I need to get this done. Afterwards I been instructed to disconnect with his children, his daughter and I remain close. That is a huge hurt. He may never have viewed my kids as ours but I held a different emotion. I am not sure if that is the BPD or a female thing or anything else, but it is what it is. I expect tonight to go without any words, for him to gather his items and leave. Then I will be tasked to sit through this time period waiting for him to cheat, at this point if this is the direction we are headed it is the direction I think he will go, and then move forward with the divorce. Taking the time to heal from this and hopefully move forward into a better direction.
Granted, I have thought that other events would also be quick and quiet only for them not. It could be total cluster. My anxiety over it all is through the roof. Here is hoping my T can bump my appointment from next week to tomorrow. I left a message.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 16441


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2021, 02:24:36 PM »

Do you have a trusted friend or relative who could be with you while he is picking up his things?  Some here have been so concerned that they did the collecting themselves and put the items in the garage or similar separate location so that their safe space, their home, feels safer.

He was likely on his best behavior before marriage.  However, once married he knew you would feel more obligated to the marriage and so he relaxed into his own comfort zone.  (F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt)  Him promising to change or abide by your terms are very likely just words and not changes.

How to trust him?  It would take time, a long time, for him to prove he can be trusted.  I see a lot of conflicting behaviors that don't indicate he is sincerely changing.

Likely too, he was this way long before marriage.  This sort of behavior pattern had to have existed in prior years.  As a previously divorced person, perhaps he already knew your state's law about 18 months separation first.  Don't let him lay the blame on you, such as him claiming you're the one at fault.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!