These are the things I have given up for her…

[thankful person]

Apologies that I have copied this off my other post which was an answer to baby ducks question about what I do for enjoyment and relaxation.
These are the things I have given up for her: playing the piano and writing songs, which has been a lifeline and source of joy all my life… until I met her. I wrote her several songs when we met, even wrote a song for her during her first pregnancy, to say thank you for what she was going through. She loved the lyrics but then when I wrote the music she didn’t like that I put a photo of a small part of the sheet music on Facebook because all my musician friends would know the song before her. She has never let me play or sing the song for her and told me to throw it away. The latest song I wrote about her is called “broken in love”. I didn’t tell her about that one. I want to write songs for and about our children. But she wants to do everything “together”. We don’t have time, she doesn’t have patience. She’s doesn’t like me “taking over”. She is jealous because I can play the piano. But I teach the most difficult children and yet she is the most unteachable student I’ve ever had.
Seeing friends and even staying in touch with friends
Writing and writing letters
Crafts
Running and swimming
Taking pride in my appearance, clothes, nails, hair, even only showering once a week (she thinks I’m lucky as hers are less often) and never having baths anymore
Listening to music. I bought us both Amazon echo autos for our cars last summer… as in 2020. And finally last week, I have installed them. This will seriously improve my quality of life. I love my music but gave up all my cds early in our relationship.
Reading
Watching my choice of tv, not that I get much chance on my own
Hardly ever ringing my own mother who is very down and my father who also attempted suicide a couple of years ago and is very ill.
There are probably more things. I can’t even remember who I used to be. I used to enjoy my time working, with my students more. Now it’s online mostly it means I’m at home. And she has actually said she doesn’t like it when I talk to them about things other than teaching.
I would love to FaceTime my mum and dad with the older child.
;(
Even taking pride is the housework… I am accused of “taking over” or wanting to get away from her.
She doesn’t like new things, and the more I mention something the less likely it will ever happen. Two examples, me wife and d1 all made a handprint painting together months ago. D0 was supposed to do a hand print on it. Still hasn’t happened. If I mention it it’ll be another few weeks. Another example: our dog jumped the fence and went missing for a whole night a few weeks ago. We bought him a tracking advice which cost the earth. I charged it up. But it’s not on the freakin’ dog! I truly despair sometimes.
Please help me to take the power back. I know it will be a long hard process but I do love her and want to raise our children  together. I do not expect her to change, I know it is up to me to be the change and advocate for our children too.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

That's a lot to give up.

Can you read your list and decide on one or two you want to "take back".  Let us know and we can guide you.

Very important and introspective post.

Best,

FF

[StartingHealing]

Broken person,

I can so totally relate to that.  I'm in a similar situation where things that I have enjoyed I've given up.

[Couper]

I'm guessing that in the end none of it brought happiness -- not for her and certainly not for you?

I'd like to relate a similar instance here just a few years ago.  I enjoy doing creative projects for myself and others.  My uBPDw asked to have something built for her garden (her admission -- because it was too complicated for her to do herself) and I thought well good, this is something within my realm that I can do and she will be happy.  Certainly well within my skill set.  It was a "cold frame", like a miniature greenhouse.  

For a few weeks I brainstormed on it, picked up some used materials (not junk, just ideal things you can't buy new anymore) and it was going to be really neat and simple and functional.  Once I told her I was ready to start she had to know exactly how it was going to be done.  I wanted it to be a surprise, but went ahead and explained it.  She started spinning out of control trying to shoot it down in every ridiculous way imaginable: "But the cold air will blow through".  No, there will be a wall on each end.  "I don't see how, this won't work."  Just let me build it and you will see, it will be beautiful.  Finally: "You don't know what you're doing, you need to get my father to help you with this."  That was the end of my trying to sell her on me doing something nice for her that she had originally asked me to do.  My regular work projects for people can run into six-figure jobs.  I don't need her idiot father that fixes everything with duct tape to give me guidance on something made out of less than $50 bucks of materials.

I just told her -- good, you can get your father (who won't lift a finger for anyone) to build it for you.  I'm going to take the time I was going to sacrifice for this and work on my own stuff.  Minutes later, she comes and gets me and shows me where she laid a window pane on the ground on some bricks and said, "See, that's all I wanted.  You were wasting your time doing all of that."  When I said if that's all she wanted, why did she tell me she needed me to build her something because it was too complicated for her to do?, she had no answer.  Later she tells me again all she wanted was a window pane laying on the ground on bricks and when I ask her if that’s all she wanted, why was she so insistent that I call her father for help?  “I never said that”.

Needless to say, I have since completed a lot of languishing projects for me and feel good about that.  Don't give up the things you love or it will slowly chisel away at your inner sense of self.  So much of what you listed shouldn't have anything to do with anyone else.  It's not like you have taken up cigarettes and are blowing smoke in her face.  Maybe easier said that done, but I'm betting you can find a way to get back to doing some of these things you love -- just instead of doing them for her -- do them for you.  

[thankful person]

Thanks all, my priorities would be taking photos of the children and sending them to my family whenever I want. For over a year when our first was born she insisted that only she would get to send photos to both our mums and I wasn’t even allowed to take them really. I did anyway but she often complained. Now I have insisted I will take and send photos whenever I want but in reality I’m still nervous. We share all pictures with each other in case our phones lost everything, but she still doesn’t like me taking pictures. She is jealous that she didn’t take that picture usually. And thinks why would I want pictures without the children in. I also desperately want to regularly FaceTime my parents as we will be soon loving too far away to visit.
Secondly I want to get back to playing the piano for pleasure. She is jealous that I can play the piano. She made me feel guilty for using it for pleasure and comfort because “I don’t have anything like that I can do”. When I moved in with her I brought my piano. She was upset because it had been in the house with me and my ex. I felt like saying, “you know he had his hands on me every day for fifteen years.” But I didn’t. Lol. So when we moved I sold it. I just had a rubbish keyboard for years for performing in care homes and didn’t teach from home. Then she bought an expanding digital piano, which I could play as long as she was playing it. She doesn’t have much time with the babies and no patience to learn or listen to my advice. Now she’s jealous because I’ve been using it for online piano lessons (to support our family while she raises the kids). We are buying a beautiful new piano for it new house. It will be used partly for me teaching at home. I can already see her getting jealous and don’t know how I will handle it. I certainly don’t expect I’ll be playing for pleasure much, but would love some suggestions about tackling this issue and the photos/video calls. My mum makes me feel guilty because I was very close to my own grandmother.
Couper thank you for sharing your story. I really related to it and also read you mop story the other day. Your wife sounds a lot like mine. I also feel like you do about leaving the kids if you left. I feel I need to be here with them as well as her. I hope they will see things more clearly as they grow up but they are only little now. I dread the day I have to help them understand that Mummy is “different” and needs special care. How do your kids cope? Do they suffer much from your wife’s moods?

[Couper]

I dread the day I have to help them understand that Mummy is “different” and needs special care. How do your kids cope? Do they suffer much from your wife’s moods?

They still have that childlike innocence as they aren't teenagers yet, so I don't think they totally grasp that sometimes the anger that's being directed at them isn't deserved, but I feel like I'm starting to see them waking up to it.  When I can catch it, I try to convey to them that their mother is expressing her frustration over her own problem and that it shouldn't have been directed at them.  I've got to be very careful with that since you know how kids can tend to innocently repeat something later.

The other night they were talking about a lesson from a show about people taking advantage and warning about people that suddenly want to be your friend where before they were not and she shot back to them, "What you need to worry about are people that were your friends that suddenly aren't anymore... and you don't know why".  That made my heart sink.  Their wheels were turning but I could tell it went over their heads.  Part of me looks forward to being able to explain these odd things to them someday and part of me does not.  They need to enjoy their innocence while it lasts.   

[thankful person]

Thank you Couper, I have my own trust issues and that hot home what your wife said about people suddenly not being your friend. But the difference is I am absolutely determined to never give my children such a bitter impression of people and the world. They are so curious and friendly and keen to learn and make friends. I am absolutely humbled by this and I never want to take it away but heist be there to support them with everything, especially my wife and her moods.