She's not totally to blame here. I know that I have my issues as well.
As adults, you both have personal responsibilities. However, there's only so much that one spouse can complain about the other before it becomes blatant Blaming. Be careful not to accept more blame than you truly deserve. Certainly not the lion's share. A person with BPD (pwBPD) is often a master at Blame Shifting. Don't be a cooperative victim/sacrifice. As in,
"It's All Your Fault!" by William Eddy. He founded HighConflictInstitute.com and is the author of several books and seminars on BPD, NPD and other acting out personality disorders associated with high conflict.
William Eddy also wrote one of our most helpful handbooks here on the separating/divorcing board...
"Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder". You need to read this paperback book, it is full of practical tips and strategies. Probably best for it to be delivered where your spouse won't see or access it? Maybe a friend (not a mutual friend of you both!) can order it for you?
One point the SPLITTING book makes is how to have consultations with multiple family law attorneys so that you select the one most suited to you, has experience with seriously difficult cases and can offer good strategies to obtain a "least bad" outcome. Just any lawyer who fills out forms and holds your hand is not what you need. You'd be surprised how many of us here had our lawyers tell us afterward, "Your ex is not just a difficult person but The Most Difficult Person I've ever dealt with." You will need the most experienced and proactive lawyer to get you through the process. A capable lawyer. Doesn't have to be expensive, just capable, experienced with the local family court, not theatrical, focused on what needs to get done, not afraid of trials, etc.
