The Bullets You Dodge

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I see this is turning into a thread of light-hearted entertainment   Fair enough, I'm here for it.

Seems fair to me Sappho.  You were the one who started the "Comical Moments..." thread after all. 

Sounds like Bachelor #3 could be right around the corner, getting back on Tinder.  I don't use such sites, but maybe I will one day.  Not for me so much.  I kinda agree with Once who is saying that there's going to be some weird behaviors out there even if it's a relatively small section of the population with actual BPD.  Stress and the pandemic isn't really helping things.  We're all going to be hypervigilant here and overanalyze every action and phrase.  I think you're doing good, but I think what people are saying also makes sense about Bachelor #1.

What I wouldn't give to have someone drop by and bring Vitamin D (or a cup of soup, a caffe latte?)!  You seem like a very attentive friend/girlfriend and that will serve you well (as long as your partner doesn't have BPD).  I am like that, well, more "was" like that.  Now I'm more like "meh", they can take care of their own selves and it's a bit chilly outside, and it's a loong walk. I'll take a nice nap after my morning tea (yawn).  My BPDex has tempered my whole thought process on dating and courtship so I'm not in a good place now to give good counsel on the topic.

dating again is a nerve wracking thing. --Once Removed

This sums it up.  It should get easier as you get older, but a person gets more set in their ways, it seems harder.  Also, you just don't want to put up with as much BS in general or waste your time.  Our BPDex's have assured us to be on the lookout now for that.  I'm on the other side of the hourglass in the sands of time.  Maybe you've seen the conversations with ILMBPDC, as we grow older and are forced with contemplating mortality, and being alone.  Nerve wracking.

[Ad Meliora]

I see this is turning into a thread of light-hearted entertainment   Fair enough, I'm here for it.

Seems fair to me Sappho.  You were the one who started the "Comical Moments..." thread after all. 

Sounds like Bachelor #3 could be right around the corner, getting back on Tinder.  I don't use such sites, but maybe I will one day.  Not for me so much.  I kinda agree with Once who is saying that there's going to be some weird behaviors out there even if it's a relatively small section of the population with actual BPD.  Stress and the pandemic isn't really helping things.  We're all going to be hypervigilant here and overanalyze every action and phrase.  I think you're doing good, but I think what people are saying also makes sense about Bachelor #1.

What I wouldn't give to have someone drop by and bring Vitamin D (or a cup of soup, a caffe latte?)!  You seem like a very attentive friend/girlfriend and that will serve you well (as long as your partner doesn't have BPD).  I am like that, well, more "was" like that.  Now I'm more like "meh", they can take care of their own selves and it's a bit chilly outside, and it's a loong walk. I'll take a nice nap after my morning tea (yawn).  My BPDex has tempered my whole thought process on dating and courtship so I'm not in a good place now to give good counsel on the topic.

dating again is a nerve wracking thing. --Once Removed

This sums it up.  It should get easier as you get older, but a person gets more set in their ways, it seems harder.  Also, you just don't want to put up with as much BS in general or waste your time.  Our BPDex's have assured us to be on the lookout now for that.  I'm on the other side of the hourglass in the sands of time.  Maybe you've seen the conversations with ILMBPDC, as we grow older and are forced with contemplating mortality, and being alone.  Nerve wracking.

[Sappho11]

This sums it up.  It should get easier as you get older, but a person gets more set in their ways, it seems harder.  Also, you just don't want to put up with as much BS in general or waste your time.  Our BPDex's have assured us to be on the lookout now for that.  I'm on the other side of the hourglass in the sands of time.  Maybe you've seen the conversations with ILMBPDC, as we grow older and are forced with contemplating mortality, and being alone.  Nerve wracking.

Good advice. This was actually one of the major points that gave me the creeps with my ex, and often had me lying awake next to him at night, thinking "If I waste more years of my life with this guy, I might not have time to meet someone who'll love me back, someone who's responsible enough to have children with..." I'm 32, and I never thought it would matter, but it's beginning to be a concern.

So today the Pianist and I went for a walk. We spoke quite candidly. Out of nowhere, he suddenly apologised for having overstepped my physical boundaries. That he was sorry, that he should have controlled himself better. I told him it was nothing to worry about, that this was at least 50% my responsibility, too. He still looked quite remorseful. I said that setting boundaries was a learning process for me, and that I was considering this good practice. This eventually turned into a fruitful discussion of boundaries in general.

We were on the road for a good four hours, of which every minute was enjoyable. We spoke about serious matters and about light-hearted ones. He seemed shier today than usual and made me laugh quite a bit, which is something that hadn't really happened before. I'm now seeing a different facet of him; apparently I was quite wrong about him being a stereotypical womaniser. He's not a player, but he has quite a few inner demons to wrestle with, and he does have a history of entertaining serial "friendships" with women with a physical component – usually women who eventually move on to someone who's actually serious about them. He was quite surprised when I told him that it wasn't unusual for the new, actual boyfriends of these women to be unhappy about his presence in their lives, and to forbid their girlfriends from seeing him. "Yes but – we would have kept it completely platonic from then on!" "That's not how it works." He does have Asperger's, after all.

We do share some weird traits, such as an overly sensitive, fine-tuned sense of hearing and the experiences that come with it, as well as synaesthesia with regards to sounds, numbers and letters. Frankly, I've never met anyone who perceived the world the same way. Admittedly, this rarity makes the entire thing somewhat dangerous for me.

We flirted, I teased him, we kissed, though more innocently this time (you can bet I made sure of that!), he'd take my hand, I'd pull it away. He's travelling to Greece next week but when he's back, he said he wants to cook for me and arrange a nice evening, just the two of us. It's possible we'll meet up again this week but I'm not counting on it.

For those now rooting for a potential happy ending, here's the major SPOILER that he's again stressed he's emotionally unavailable and unable to give me a proper relationship. I told him that was fine, that I liked him the way he was now, not some putative future version of his, that I was all right with the current arrangement, and that I was looking elsewhere for something serious. He got all curious and asked me whether I wanted to tell him about my potential candidates, and I just said, What's the point? He didn't press any further.

The strange thing is, in this whole thing, I am not worried in the slightest. Everything is out in the open and seems okay. I can tell that our outings do him good, I greatly enjoy them too, and that's enough for me. I'm happy to see him happy, and I'm okay with it if he's not.

Today was the first time he didn't send a message after the meeting. Strangely enough, even that doesn't worry me.

[Ad Meliora]

Good.  Glad you solved the putative puzzle of Bachelor #1, at least to a good point for now.  Keep us posted.  You still have some good years ahead of you for children so for now I think you should party-on, so to speak.   I let all my exes convince me not to have children and at 49, I'm not sure I'm completely fine--with that decision.

You know, I have the calendar years to back me but since I don't have any children I'm kinda like a 29 yr old, just with 20 years experience. (haha) I haven't had to "grow up" that way.  Although I do have cats, and have had cats all my adult life.  And as Charles Dickens says... "What greater gift than the love of a cat."   I think it's actually ok.

[Sappho11]

Good.  Glad you solved the putative puzzle of Bachelor #1, at least to a good point for now.  Keep us posted.  You still have some good years ahead of you for children so for now I think you should party-on, so to speak.   I let all my exes convince me not to have children and at 49, I'm not sure I'm completely fine--with that decision.

You know, I have the calendar years to back me but since I don't have any children I'm kinda like a 29 yr old, just with 20 years experience. (haha) I haven't had to "grow up" that way.  Although I do have cats, and have had cats all my adult life.  And as Charles Dickens says... "What greater gift than the love of a cat."   I think it's actually ok.

I wonder, does one's inner age clock stop counting at the age of 28, 29? Yesterday I read an exercise that started with the words "Imagine yourself in ten years' time..." and my mind immediately went "I'll be 38...", only to realise ten whole minutes later that no, I won't, I'll actually be 42. Oh dear! I think I'll be one of those women who just can't age gracefully.

-------

Side note to the Pianist. I noticed that I've been sleeping terribly after the days we met; very light sleep, high resting pulse, and I wake up after only four or five hours at the most. Probably the adrenaline wearing off. The last two times I went to see him I also noticed a real restlessness beforehand, feeling uncomfortably (!) on edge, and I wondered – how long (over the course of my life) have I been mistaking anxiety for butterflies? I don't know yet whether this is merely the aftermath of my last, ill-fated relationship with my BPDex, or whether this whole story is developing similarly – but it's definitely something to remain wary of.

(The difference is that I actually feel relaxed around him, and feel subjectively relaxed and jolly afterwards – there aren't any guessing games, no stressful arguments, no doubts etc., so I'm willing to continue this for now and will keep watching and working through my various experiences.)

Perhaps this is also some consolation for the folks here who still struggle with the rawness of a BPD relationship ending. You can put an end to it all mentally, and be completely detached emotionally – but your body will still take a while to catch up. I think that's okay and to be expected. And it's all the more reason to avoid getting dragged into another situation of that kind.

[Sappho11]

I'm having bit of a déjà vu.

I was right in not being worried about him not sending a cute message after our last meetup. It turns out he passed out on the couch at seven in the evening and slept through 2AM (at which point the cute message arrived)... apparently we have a similarly stimulating/exhausting effect on one another.

We had loosely agreed to meet tonight at my place. Nothing fancy, just drinking tea (and him probably trying his tricks  ). We had been exchanging memes last night, and he'd seemed reluctant to stop messaging, so I kind of had a feeling today that he'd excuse himself. (I eventually set a healthy boundary and told him I was going to go to bed, which he respected.)

So he did actually excuse himself, said that he was a mess wrapped up in blankets right now, sounded actually distraught, and emphatically added that it had nothing to do with me, that he had had a great time on Tuesday, that he was truly sorry, and could we postpone it...?

And this is were the difference between him and my ex occurred to me.

My ex would always push me away, either with no explanation or with blatant lies. Everything felt unstable and unsafe.

This guy is clearly emotionally unavailable, but he makes sure that I know it's got nothing to do with me. There's a human level of empathy and concern for my feelings. That's why everything feels so stable and predictable.

I suppose that's the main difference between a personality disorder and a mood disorder – there's still plenty of humanity in the latter.

Now – I'm not going to lie, I'm actually quite happy to get the time to recharge. I've got loads of fun things planned for the next couple of days, and I might even have some surplus love and energy to spend on the Pianist at the weekend, without sacrificing any part of myself.

This isn't the perfect love story, but it's a splendid learning experience. I'm still on the lookout for Mr Right, too, so we'll see how that goes.

[poppy2]

This isn't the perfect love story, but it's a splendid learning experience. I'm still on the lookout for Mr Right, too, so we'll see how that goes.

Always happy to read your updates Sappho. And the space between a fling and Mr Right is so wide and yet somehow filled with the same stuff, as well, as your namesake knew so well:

"Some say it's a force of cavalry, others of foot,
others of ships, but I say that the most beautiful thing
upon the black earth is whatever it is you desire."

That daily desiring (of anything, it could be a good meal) is so powerful. Viel Glück!

[Ad Meliora]

The last two times I went to see him I also noticed a real restlessness beforehand, feeling uncomfortably (!) on edge, and I wondered – how long (over the course of my life) have I been mistaking anxiety for butterflies? I don't know yet whether this is merely the aftermath of my last, ill-fated relationship with my BPDex, or whether this whole story is developing similarly – but it's definitely something to remain wary of.

I'll say this Sappho.  Just thinking about dating right now is giving me the same side effects you list above!    So it may not be much to worry about.  You know, worrying about your worrying, because of all the previous worrying...   Maybe another trip back to the Vitamin Shop?  What's good for nerves?  Vitamin E or Vitamin B?  Hmmm...Valerian root extract helps with sleep, if you don't know that trick yet.  It's a chance to get out and grab another tea so it's good to me.

I suppose that's the main difference between a personality disorder and a mood disorder – there's still plenty of humanity in the latter.--Sappho

I think this is a fair assessment.  I was with someone with Bi-polar disorder for the better part of 15 years.  I had a good relationship with her for most of it.  I never felt like I would "catch" her disease.  There were ups and downs, but they were somewhat predictable in nature.  She was a human and had plenty of human-ness to share and give.  The break-up we could both see coming from miles away.  Never easy after 15 years but we didn't lament about it months (and years) later.  In fact, I've spent more time ruminating about my BPDex and that relationship than all of the other relationships I've had in the last 30 years combined!  I mean all of them, best friend break-ups included!

So there's something special there about these relationships with the disordered types.  Special-bad, of course.

Life's not easy for a lot of reasons right now, global pandemic not withstanding.  Probably good to cut people a little slack.  Among those people, include yourself.

[Sappho11]

Always happy to read your updates Sappho. And the space between a fling and Mr Right is so wide and yet somehow filled with the same stuff, as well, as your namesake knew so well:

"Some say it's a force of cavalry, others of foot,
others of ships, but I say that the most beautiful thing
upon the black earth is whatever it is you desire."

That daily desiring (of anything, it could be a good meal) is so powerful. Viel Glück!

Very true. Thank you so much!

I'll say this Sappho.  Just thinking about dating right now is giving me the same side effects you list above!    So it may not be much to worry about.  You know, worrying about your worrying, because of all the previous worrying...  Maybe another trip back to the Vitamin Shop?  What's good for nerves?  Vitamin E or Vitamin B?  Hmmm...Valerian root extract helps with sleep, if you don't know that trick yet.  It's a chance to get out and grab another tea so it's good to me.

I actually do take Valerian in order to fall asleep! Excellent tip.

I think this is a fair assessment.  I was with someone with Bi-polar disorder for the better part of 15 years.  I had a good relationship with her for most of it.  I never felt like I would "catch" her disease.  There were ups and downs, but they were somewhat predictable in nature.  She was a human and had plenty of human-ness to share and give.  The break-up we could both see coming from miles away.  Never easy after 15 years but we didn't lament about it months (and years) later.  In fact, I've spent more time ruminating about my BPDex and that relationship than all of the other relationships I've had in the last 30 years combined!  I mean all of them, best friend break-ups included!

So there's something special there about these relationships with the disordered types.  Special-bad, of course.

As someone who doesn't have much experience with relationships, this is so interesting to read. After the breakup with my BPDex, I thought "I can never go through this again". Realising that future breakups, while difficult, won't be quite as agonising, is a ray of hope.

Life's not easy for a lot of reasons right now, global pandemic not withstanding.  Probably good to cut people a little slack.  Among those people, include yourself.

Thank you, will do.

---------

So the Pianist and I met up last night. He had already postponed the Thursday meeting for rather curious health reasons, and attempted to postpone yesterday's for yet others. I told him not to be silly, that I'd pop over regardless. He tried to dissuade me, texting me that he was really feeling quite miserable, and that he'd rather not, that he'd rather see me when he was back to being well... I just replied that it didn't make a difference, that I was coming over to give him the book I'd promised him, and that he was quite welcome to be miserable in my presence.

I fully anticipated going there and not being let in. But I really wanted him to have that particular book (Stoic philosophy – just what the fellow needs) for his trip to Greece next week.

Well, he did open up, not just the door, but about his feelings, too. He was actually really glad to see me. It turns out that there was indeed some basis to his health issues, not just an excuse – though I playfully suggested that adding hypochondria to his list of issues wouldn't be making things any better for him. He kept apologising: "I'm sorry. We've met at a really terrible time in my life. I promise it'll get better." I told him not to worry, and to get better for his sake, not for somebody else's.

We started fooling around, which is always interspersed with fragments of philosophical discussion, and I opened up about some things, too. Somehow the conversation touched upon the love of my youth, and the Pianist asked: "What became of him?" I didn't want to tell him, so I just said "Not a lot anymore", and he suddenly hugged me with such tenderness and compassion as never before, and held me close for what felt like an eternity.

He was generally a lot more affectionate than usual. We spoke about our respective plans for the future, particularly career-wise, and discovered more things we had in common: a disdain for fame and the pursuit of it, that we both liked to lie in bed and mentally swap out vowels or prefixes of random words, a strong preference for dim lighting, among other things, some profound, others mere accidentals. – We both like to memorise and recite verses from poems, and I quoted one of mine; he became quite agitated and asked: "Beautiful, what is that? I definitely know that!" "That would rather surprise me." "What is it? Is it – by you? But – I know it...!" – We discovered more differences, too, but all minor, and some quite hilarious.

It was getting late, we were both tired, and I found myself struggling to pull away (thanks to my tendency to fall into anxious attachment when exhausted), but I eventually managed, not without berating myself in the cab home for not having done better. He had requested a text when I got home, so I wrote: "I'm knocked out... next time I'll leave sooner!" He replied: "Please don't Thank you for this lovely evening."

Next week he's in Greece, which is great; he'll get a chance to recharge, as do I, plus I've got to move house and have a huge backlog of work to attend to. The Pianist also gave me two shorter books to read, which I'll try to fit in if time allows.

In other news, the day before yesterday I met a young cellist who seems quite keen to meet up and play some music; there's still the jazz composer aka Bachelor #2, and now an American organist who likes my music has mentioned that he'll be in my city on Monday and wants to meet up. Lots of things to do, lots of people to see.

Did I mention I recently got the keys to my new flat? Well, in the meantime, there's been water damage from the flat above! Oh dear. I made the realtor hand me written assurance that this would be fixed on their tab, not mine, and within a week. I guess I can be happy about getting my new place completely repainted for free.  

[kells76]

Sappho11, couldn't help chiming in on the "swapping vowels" game -- my sister taught me one where you substitute all the vowels in an animal's name for Os. Chimpanzee, red panda, and grizzly bear turn into, ehm, more humorous versions. Enjoy!

-kells76

[Sappho11]

So Ad Meliora was right, and we now have Bachelor #3.

Oh boy, the antithesis to the Pianist if there ever was one: an American who speaks the local dialect to perfection, both acoustically and grammatically (quite the incredible feat even for a native speaker, and he's only been learning the language for five years!), a professional organist, dependable, reliable, incredibly fond of my music, nothing less than reverent, a family man without a family (yet), and giving off the vibe as if he fell in love at first sight. I mentioned I was moving house and he immediately offered his help, even though it would have meant driving to and fro between several countries in between his many engagements (I naturally and politely declined). He lives in a different state and invited me over for concerts, stressing that I could play concerts at this venue and that anytime I wanted, that he'd show me around and introduce me to everyone and his uncle, I just had to say the word.

I'm glad I met him – time flew, and he's a lovely fellow, no doubt; but oh dear, this kind of behaviour does hold up a mirror to my past patterns: So this is how other people feel if you're being too kind, too nice! It's all well and good up to a point, then it becomes slightly unsettling, and eventually, downright stifling. I was getting tired and wanted to leave, but he couldn't quite bring himself to, and it got a lot later than I'd anticipated. Now it's almost one o'clock in the morning and I'm exhausted! I need to burn this feeling into my head for the next time I struggle to pull away from the Pianist; the last thing I want is to make that poor man feel like I do now – nor do I want to be seen the way I see the Organist. There's nothing attractive about someone who's over-zealous. (Though I have to say – had I met that man in the wake of the breakup with my BPDex, I'd probably have thought him an angel.)

As an aside, again I find it curious how closely musical tastes are related to personality: the Pianist reveres Brahms – the Organist hates him. And I? Am on the fence.

Stay tuned for news from Bachelor #2 aka The Composer, whom I've postponed to next week. What a whirlwind. Where were all these men in my 20's?  

[Ad Meliora]

Sounds good Sappho.  Let us know how the "situationship" resolves with Bachelor #1.  Bachelor#3 sounds promising.  Seems you're on the road to redemption and that's nothing but a good thing.

You'll maybe have to focus on a "Neutral" composer to satisfy all of the various keyboard players.  No electric keyboardist in the mix yet right?  What about Bach?  I'm guessing the organist digs him.  And then you have Liszt, probably polarizing.

Maybe someone modern like Rufus Wainwright, gotta love "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk" right?

[SinisterComplex]

Honestly Sappho I think this one of the best and healthiest things you can do for yourself. I am paying attention. I enjoy seeing that you are showing a growing and stronger sense of introspection and self-awareness. Keep it up. I may not chime in as much because of redundancy, but nonetheless I do pay close attention and check in when time permits. 

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Cromwell]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EzURpTF5c8