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Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
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Brené Brown, PhD
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SRCyclist
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1


« on: September 19, 2021, 06:12:26 AM »

I have been married for 35 years. For much of that time I have felt there was something not quite right about our relationship. However, we are very much alike in some ways and in spite of some difficult times managed to get through and stay broadly happy. Then almost four years ago my mother had a stroke, but was able to live independently for the last two years of her life. This event seemed to trigger something in my wife, and behaviour which I had been accustomed to and able to navigate in the past seemed to go into overdrive. It was my 30 year old daughter who was able to describe it most succinctly: it is like walking on eggshells and she always has to be right. After reading around the issues and behaviours (including '5 types of people who can ruin your life' by Bill Eddy) I came across the book 'Stop walking on eggshells' by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. The descriptions in the book resonated so clearly that it was almost spooky. It starts to make sense of so much that I have experienced (including panic attacks when interacting with my wife ten years ago, which led to me being on antidepressants ever since). But it also helps me to understand how painful it must be for my wife too, so I can think of her with more compassion in spite of my being the target of blame - along with my now deceased mother - and being held responsible for everything that has gone wrong. I have not helped matters by simply trying to go along with her narrative and simply agreeing with everything she says, even if it goes against my principles and means being less than honest. I have no desire to divorce. I am sure I still love her, but I need to find a way to make life bearable. I am sure that she knows deep dlown that there is something wrong about her behaviour, but she keeps insisting that everything she does, says and feels is 'completely normal'. If I give any indication that this may not be entirely the case (what is completely normal anyway?) it is met by distress and rage. So I go along with the idea that seems to comfort her, that I must have Asperger's. But I rather doubt it - even if I recognise some of the traits in me - as it has never caused any difficulties in any other area of my life. But if it helps her cope with the idea that I (and my mother) have caused all our problems, that she is completely innocent and has done nothing wrong, but I am not completely evil (otherwise why would she even want to stay with me?) so be it. Unfortunately it is not enough. However much I tell her that I love her, understand her (which is more true now than ever after reading the 'Eggshells' book) and am sorry for all the hurt I have caused her, it is never enough. And the endless questioning and conflict goes on (much of it about incidents decades ago)...
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Woolspinner2000
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2012



« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2021, 07:29:53 PM »

Welcome SRCyclistWelcome new member (click to insert in post)

You have a lot of years invested in your relationship, and kudos to you for the courage to work on you and what you can do.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) That's a big deal.

Living with a pwBPD whether they exhibit the traits of BPD or have been diagnosed is challenging to say the least. I'm glad that you've found some relief and gained some understanding by reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. You mentioned your daughter; what are her thoughts about her mom? Has she read the book too?

We have some great resources at the top of this page, and once is about learning to not be invalidating. If you have time to read that, there are some tips that might be helpful to you. Let me know what you think.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Do you have a T?

Wools
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