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Broken person
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« on: September 21, 2021, 05:19:09 PM »

So, we have a dog, we’ve had him five years. He is officially my wife’s dog because we were both going to get a dog but then she wanted to get one first and he is a rescue dog who doesn’t get on with other dogs. I adore him. Anyway, a few weeks ago he jumped the six foot fence chasing probably a fox.. he went missing for a whole night. He has escaped the garden four times in five years. I walked the streets all night looking for him but eventually he came home on his own. At my wife’s insistence, we bought him a gps tracker for his collar and I paid a five year subscription for this. Now we have the device, she is resistant to putting it on the dog!!! It’s like, whenever we get anything new, if I mention it it seems to make it further away  the time anything may happen with it. I know it’s more about control than anything else. I have learnt to truly let go but then things don’t happen. Like when we went to NYC and I mentioned a few times that I’d like to see the John Lennon tribute in Central Park. And she was like, “would you stop banging on about that??” And in the end I stopped mentioning it, hoping she would announce we were going, but we never made it there. I was too nervous of her to just say “I’m going see you later”. That was five years ago, actually just before we got the dog. I want things to be different. But just a little goal.. WE DON’T WANT TO LOSE OUR BELOVED DOG!!! She’s like, “there are LOADS of priorities” when I said it’s important. And, “he has his collar on”. When he went missing he didn’t have his collar on (my fault). But nobody saw him anyway so it wouldn’t have made a difference. I want the tracker on the dog but he’s not officially my dog but I did pay for the device because she is financially dependent on me being the working parent. What would you do?
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« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2021, 08:45:46 AM »

Sounds like it has affected you emotionally, mentally (stress), physically (sleep), financially. That must be hard. If it's her dog, make her responsible. It sounds like your caretaking is enabling her unwanted and irresponsible behaviors. You can let go and let whatever happens to the dog happen. Let your partner pay for food, vet, GPS tracker, etc. Let her search for the dog when it escapes. If she can't handle the responsibilities, then she can't handle the dog. If she can't, then either it becomes your dog or you can adopt it to someone else. If it's your dog, then you have the power to attach the GPS collar. Easier said than done, but this may be a long term solution. Good luck.

I have learnt to truly let go but then things don’t happen. Like when we went to NYC and I mentioned a few times that I’d like to see the John Lennon tribute in Central Park. And she was like, “would you stop banging on about that??” And in the end I stopped mentioning it, hoping she would announce we were going, but we never made it there.
Maybe consider a solo trip to get away and do things you like. I do this every few months and find it very rewarding.
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« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2021, 10:19:14 AM »

Maybe consider a solo trip to get away and do things you like. I do this every few months and find it very rewarding.

Any tips on taking that back? For me If told my BPD partner I was going somewhere alone he would follow me out to the car and tell me that he would never do that to me because it's what couples do they stick together.
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« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2021, 05:20:54 PM »

Thanks for your thoughts Jabiru, I don’t want to risk losing the dog!! But don’t have much choice. She is now charging up the tracker  again. I don’t know if she had forgotten or just not got round to it but if I ever remind her of anything she always says no and then does it when she is ready. I should explain the reason I searched for the dog all night is because she sleeps with our children and is breastfeeding them. I literally went to bed at 2am and got up again at 4am. I was most worried the dog might attack a cat or another dog.
Always mean, yes I find the same, I am never allowed to do anything on my own because we’re a couple and I should want to be with her. I might add that nyc was a once in a lifetime trip for us as we live in uk. She has always been jealous of my relationship with music, I have attended many festivals, concerts, rock clubs back before I knew her and music was my life. She wishes she could play the piano and write songs like me and does not like me doing it, even writing songs for her. She does not know such a relationship of being a fan either, just likes popular songs, not buying albums. She’s a different generation to me really. I had to get rid of all my cds because she was paranoid they reminded me of my ex specifically having sex with him. Which was incorrect. But I recently got Alexa auto echo for my car. I don’t often go out alone but when I do I’m now in heaven. I don’t tell her how happy I am. She would be jealous of Alexa.
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« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2021, 08:33:28 AM »

Always mean, yes I find the same, I am never allowed to do anything on my own because we’re a couple and I should want to be with her.
It sounds like you're stopping yourself from doing things you like because of fear, obligation, guilt (FOG). I think it's ok to do something for yourself once in a while. Try talking to friends, family, therapist to get their thoughts and maybe get more comfortable with the idea.

@AlwaysMean, you may want to create your own thread as it's custom here to focus on the OP. In short, it requires a mindset shift and courage. Calmly tell them where you're going, when you'll be back, and go. No need to ask for permission or beg them for innocent fun.
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« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2021, 04:28:59 PM »

Thanks Jabiru, I literally never talk to anyone when she’s not there! You guys are a lifeline, it seems awful talking about my wife behind her back but I have desperately needed to for 8 years our whole relationship. I only manage to come on here because she doesn’t want me in bed with her because of being uncomfortable and having our babies in the bed. It’s also worse because I teach piano, lessons went online because of Covid and have stayed online because our baby was very sick at birth and is still vulnerable.
Always mean, I sympathise if you feel unable to do this. I’m certainly not ready for it. I feel I am slowly tackling a few things but little by little and not all at once.
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« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2021, 11:28:39 AM »

This group is so amazing. Thank you everyone!
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« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2021, 11:47:35 AM »

The current focus of control is the dog but you also know it's more than the dog.

When a living creature who depends on it's owners for its own well being needs something, it's not "her" dog or "your dog". By  not putting on the tracker, she is in a sense, decreasing the well being of the dog. If the dog gets loose or hurt because you don't know where it is, the dog suffers.

At some point, you need to stand up to this because it just doesn't stop until you stop it. Clearly this feeds an emotional need of your wife's and so she has no incentive to stop being controlling. You will need to be the one who decides what is OK with you and what is not. Some things you might not care about. Should we paint the walls blue or grey? Who cares, she can paint them whatever. What movie will you watch? These decisions don't have consequences that might harm someone.

But the dog depends on you two. What if she said "it's my dog, you can't feed him" and then didn't feed the dog properly? At some point you'd have to step in an give the dog proper food, because avoiding making your wife upset might have dangerous consequences to the dog.

You bought the tracker for the sake of the dog. Put it on the dog. She can pitch a fit, or whatever, but just like you sent pictures to your Mum, and wore the blouse you like, it might be she doesn't do much.
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« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2021, 11:59:16 AM »

Broken Person, please understand that if I make these challenges, it's because I observed this for decades with my parents. I can take the trash out for BPD mother and she will scream at me because it's 2 inches away from where she wants it on the lawn. I brought in food for my father in his elder years and she'd throw it in the rubbish bin if I didn't have her explicit permission to bring him something to eat. When we went on errands, she'd call every 5 minutes to ask where he was. If I called him on the phone, she'd listen in on the phone calls.

All this is due to her fears and this kind of control helps quell her fears of whatever. Surely we were not going to run off and abandon her when we went to the store for a can of soup, and I empathize with her feelings but I can't fix them by going along with all the controls, because it's emotional and not rational.

Her denying you your music hobby comes from insecurity- you might pay more attention to that than to her. But by denying yourself, she doesn't learn that even if you did pursue your music, you'd still love her. The only way for her to learn this is for you to pursue your music and then also pay attention to her.

 Your kids need you- the YOU that you are. Who knows- they may love music too. And one day maybe go with you to NYC to see the John Lennon tribute.
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« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2021, 04:13:01 PM »

Not Wendy, please don’t ever feel like you are out of line, I absolutely appreciate you 100% sharing your story and experiences, especially as this affects our dog and even more so the children. Bizarrely, I got in today and was told, the tracker is on the dog now. She is so random, likes to do things in her own time.. and as I say it takes longer if I put pressure on. But please, always tell me what you think because I really appreciate your advice. I was just saying in another post about being demanded to stop reading to our toddler in the middle of reading a book. I’m so upset with myself for complying. Do you have any advice? You may remember one time I refused to put the baby down and she snatched her out of my arms and physically threw me it off the room.  Oh and your John Lennon comment actually brought  tears to my eyes. I want to share my mum’s love of the Beatles with the children. Also I have asked mum to get me a Beatles top for Christmas, it says “all you need is love” which may be triggering for my wife. But making my mum happy is important to me as she is having a very hard time with my dad being sick and never getting to see us.
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« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2021, 09:32:38 AM »

I am glad you are OK with the comments. I had a 12 step co-dependency sponsor whose advice sometimes upset me but her frankness also was a gift. It is upsetting to see where we "give in" to things we really don't want to give in to, but do it to keep the peace but once I became aware of when I was doing that, I was better able to make changes in my own behavior. Also, it's not necessary a skill we become perfect at and it does take some practice. I have thankfully gotten better at it, but I still sometimes default to appeasing. The difference is I am more aware of it when I do, and so can work at doing better. Progress ( not perfection ) is a popular saying.

One way we overlap some with the BPD person in our lives is that both people have difficulty managing difficult feelings and we have poor boundaries. So when they get upset with us, it's hard for us to manage how we feel when that happens. But actually, her feelings are not yours, and yours are not hers. Still- when she gets upset, you may choose to give in to stop, or avoid the upset. To you, you feel you are helping her by not upsetting her. However, someone with poor emotional regulation skills can't learn to regulate better if someone else is doing it for them. And you need to learn to be able to manage your discomfort when your wife is upset.

A wise counselor told me ( once she has established there'd be no physical harm to me ) is that I need to learn to "stay calm during the storm". This meant learning better emotional regulation skills for me ( and so the person who is upset can learn to manage their emotions better too ). You already have these skills if you work with children and you have a toddler. Your task as a parent is to allow the toddler to self regulate. They don't know how to do this yet. They may tantrum if they want cookies for dinner and you day "no". But you know it's not in their best interest to give in to the cookie.

The Beatles were awesome. Passing your love for music to your children is a wonderful gift.
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« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2021, 04:10:44 PM »

Thanks not Wendy. Please continue to share any advice if you have the time, I am so so grateful. I am definitely becoming more aware. Like yesterday I “messed up” and reminded my wife the baby had a hospital appointment. She didn’t have it in her diary. Long story short, I had got it wrong because the appointment had been cancelled and changed but I hadn’t written it down. I was at work when I heard my wife was breaking down up at the hospital with both kids, everyone stressed and tired, there is a lot going on atm. And I spent the morning convincing myself not to apologise!! And so I got it and gave the support and empathy and became aware of my feeling that I actually wanted her to blame me. Which I found very strange, because I really don’t need any more punishment. So anyway. She didn’t even blame me.
Today wife was sick in bed and I have wanted to make the grandparents a thank you card with toddler for the birthday presents. And spent some time agonising about whether to make one for her parents too because, it’s going to be wrong whether I do or don’t right? And then I was like… I know.. let’s make Mummy a get well card. And when she came down she was so pleased with it and was fine with me helping little make cards for both grandparents. I think I’m learning. It’s all little things but I’m getting somewhere slowly. And you know what, I’m not as upset by anything right now because I finally feel I have some support in your wonderful people. Thank you again.
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« Reply #12 on: October 17, 2021, 05:03:14 AM »

I'm glad this is helping. We are humans, and sometimes do things like mix up appointments. Our mistakes don't define us. Unfortunately in dysfunction, people can add additional "meaning" to them- but it's not true. For my mother- she would have thought I did something like that on purpose to her, when it was an unintentional mistake. Even a small error became the "crime of the century" in the moment.

So, you mixed up an appointment. Yes, it's understandably stressful to pack up the kids and run off to the medical center, but in the grand scheme of things, it didn't cause any harm. For you to let it go is a big step.

One part of being less of a caretaker is to let people manage their own "jobs" in the family. If your wife is the one who takes the baby to medical appointments, then she can schedule them and make her own appointments. When you become the reminder - you then take on the responsibility for that- and if you make an error- that becomes yours. However, if she were to be fully responsible for them, and make an error- she then can learn from that- it's inconvenient- she will try to remember better next time.

One thing I learned with my BPD mother is that "friendly suggestions" feel invalidating to her. She will snap back at me because what she hears when I say them is " you can't do this on your own". It's not what I meant but it's how she receives it.

That's the "dark side" of too much caretaking. It's invalidating in a way. My father tried to take the stress off my mother in any way he could. The result though is that when he did things for her, she didn't get the satisfaction of accomplishment and it didn't help her self esteem. Part of letting go of caretaking is to allow the other person to make a mistake. Of course, we'd step in if it was something that put someone in danger, but for keeping an appointment- let her manage her schedule and step away from that.

How much your wife actually can do is hard to know. It's a bit of chicken and egg. On one hand, my mother has serious issues related to BPD. Yet, did my father's caretaking contribute to some of her helplessness? I don't know.

The topic of this thread is control, and one thing that was pointed out to me about too much caretaking is that this too feels controlling to the other person. It's a form of controlling their emotions ( to avoid outbursts). I think what you are finding is that when you step back- she seems to be better. (maybe there's an emotional reaction at first but she gets there). So long as people and pets are safe, letting her manage more might help.
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« Reply #13 on: October 17, 2021, 05:14:50 PM »

Hi not Wendy, yes my wife does accuse me of being too controlling and “taking over” when I try to help and make suggestions. But at the same time, it is my job to change her bed, make sure she drinks enough water and takes her meds (the latter two are breast feeding related so it’s my job as a parent apparently). Today I forgot her lunch time meds even though I brought in the baby’s meds and some snacks for myself oops. I have alarms set on my phone for baby meds. I said, “ok I’ll just go get it” (it’s hard for her to do much because the baby is nearly always in her arms and we have found with both breast feeding babies they are very attached like this). She said, “no don’t worry.” I said, “I’ll forget!! I’ll set an alarm for later.” She said, “don’t do that, I’ll remember”. Of course, we both forgot and then she thinks it’s my fault for forgetting in the first place even though I immediately offered to fix the mistake.
I do make her more dependent in some ways. It’s very strange because she went to special needs high school  but is unable to articulate why and her parents have no paperwork. She does find academics hard (I think it’s due to having a traumatic childhood). But I’ve always said I think she’d have learnt more in a regular school. It seems they allowed them to give up quite easily. And I speak as someone who has worked in special needs schools. I am certainly going to take heed of everything you’ve said. I’m learning so much it’s amazing.
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« Reply #14 on: October 17, 2021, 06:00:26 PM »

Also I’m not sure if I mentioned that my wife is 15 years younger than me, and I was her first proper relationship and she moved straight out of her parents house to living together with me. So, especially as an experienced teacher, with no children, it was extremely hard not to take on all the “how to be an adult” lessons! I learnt pretty early on to pretend I didn’t know exactly what to do, how to use a washing machine for example. Things are improved now, but her school education as I say, was severely lacking and I do struggle with wanting to teach her lots of things and knowing she doesn’t want me to. Even though some of it is functional life skills and some of it just stuff that I feel everyone should know… yes I know I’m sounding controlling, but I do  try to respect her wishes.
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« Reply #15 on: October 18, 2021, 06:11:48 AM »

Broken Person,

Another concept to consider is "radical acceptance". You seem well aware of your wife's emotional issues ( and possibly intellectual ones as well), albeit nobody can know the full extent of daily life with someone with BPD. Generally, a child is placed in a special needs classroom after an evaluation shows that the student's needs can't be met in a regular classroom. It's interesting that you feel they gave up on teaching/making her do work- perhaps she had behavioral issues?

As to how much caretaking- it's important to keep in mind to do for her what she can't do, to protect the ones who need protection ( the children- their medicine and care has to be met) but to also carve a space for yourself and let her do what she can do.

Your denying yourself is not taking care of her basic needs. It doesn't help anyone for you to not play your music, or have contact with your mother. As hard as it is to keep your boundaries, I think it's important to draw the line between what needs to be done for the welfare of your family and what doesn't.

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« Reply #16 on: October 18, 2021, 05:30:44 PM »

Thanks not Wendy, I am really trying to change things round here little by little, especially because I have the mental health of my parents to consider as well as my children’s well-being.. And I’m going to read the book “raising resilient children with a bpd parent” next. My wife thinks I should encourage the child to go to her for a story. As a professional, we would read stories to whichever child who asked and whenever they asked. I am devastated that on occasion I have refused to read my daughter a story at my wife’s insistence. I know it’s fear of her getting angry. But I judge the shouting to be more upsetting to the child than my rejection of her request for a story. Do you think I should try to get her to go to my wife for stories? Isn’t this caretaking? How do you think I should handle it when my wife tells me to stop reading a story and says I should encourage the child to go to her? She’s ok with me reading a couple of stories but after them wants me to involve her.
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« Reply #17 on: October 19, 2021, 07:03:53 AM »

I think it would help to understand the Karpman triangle. This sort of thing came into play in my family of origin as well, except that my mother was not interested much in child care. The interesting thing is that children also have a sense of who they can bond to. Very young children cling to their mothers but I also think that children bond most with the parent or guardian who does hands on care, interacts with them. In my family, I bonded with my father. This didn't go over well with my mother who saw his attention to me as taking away attention from her, or jealousy over the fact that I preferred him.

To try to "force" the connection, I think, is a form of violating the child's natural boundaries and I think it's a set up for them to tolerate the BPD behaviors in a partnership when they become adults. There's a connection between being raised in a dysfunctional family and choosing a dysfunctional partner. The message I got growing up was "your mother really loves you" and so there was confusion between abuse and love. And then "you should love your mother" when at one point, I really didn't like being around her. Rather than make these natural boundaries a child might have around someone they don't feel comfortable with, forcing the relationship may teach them to override them.

So if your wife is upset that your child comes to you for a story, why not read stories together? But if it's you that your child wants, there could be a reason for it, and even if your wife doesn't like it, consider it's best to not force it.

Because your wife needs to learn a lesson too. If you aren't nice to people, they won't want to be around you. This could be anyone. There's no rule that family members need to tolerate being mistreated just because they are related to you.

You are not responsible for your wife's relationship with the kids. She is. With my own mother, she didn't have to be nice to me. My father enforced my obedience to her. I tolerated how she treats me because of that. Let your wife learn that if she wants the kids to come to her for a story, maybe she needs to be responsive to them when they ask, or offer to read one.
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« Reply #18 on: October 19, 2021, 05:05:29 PM »

  But at the same time, it is my job to change her bed, make sure she drinks enough water and takes her meds (the latter two are breast feeding related so it’s my job as a parent apparently). 


How did her meds become your job?

Great discussion and insights in this thread as to the dynamics going on here.  Keep up the good work!!!

Best,

FF
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« Reply #19 on: October 19, 2021, 06:33:09 PM »

Thanks not Wendy, I am really hopeful that I can improve things especially for the children as well as myself. The dynamics have completely changed obviously since having the second child. Wife used to do everything with the eldest, putting her to bed etc. Things changed when little one was born and in icu, suddenly I was doing everything with the eldest. When wife came home after a few weeks with a new child on the breast, it took a long time for eldest to trust her again. And then of course the jealousy started. Reading that back it sounds like the toddler being jealous, but I actually meant my wife is jealous of the whole family and our relationships with each other even the dog. I am certainly working on a generally calmer environment, which I’ve found I can achieve partly just by not sharing so many of my thoughts with her. I’m not ready to tackle playing the piano though. I think in the next week I will put the new dress on the child that my mum bought. I’ve given my wife enough chances to choose to do it. I’m sure there will be a reason like, “I wanted her to wear it for a special occasion”.  Is it ok to just say, “I wanted her to wear it today.” It was her idea to get a bigger size “so she can wear it longer”. But the dress mum got last time only got worn a couple of times because it caused arguments. And now she’s too big for it. I’m determined that this won’t happen again.
FF, my wife takes medication to help with breast feeding and also needs to drink lots of water for this. If she forgets I get blamed. In her words, “the baby is your child too so it’s your responsibility to remind me”. She has seriously struggled with breast feeding both children, her body struggles to produce enough milk. And she usually blames me for causing stress which affects the breast feeding. It was worse with the first child. I used to get screeched at if she fell asleep on me cos it would affect the milk supply. This one doesn’t ever fall asleep on me thank God.
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« Reply #20 on: October 20, 2021, 06:22:15 AM »

Dear Broken Person, it is wonderful to see you going from strength to strength! One thing I feel you should be aware of is that pwBPD tend to be deficient in the 'love hormone' : oxytocin. But breast feeding stimulates oxytocin production, so from a biochemical point of view your wife is closer to normal then she has ever been. Here is a video about it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsp0jX-6m4Q
Wiser minds must weigh in, but I suspect what is happening is that your wife is overwhelmed by all the empathy she is suddenly feeling. She struggles to find emotional tools to deal with it because she is feeling more empathy than she has ever felt before. Life stresses of course don't help, two small children is stressful enough and then illness. The bottom line, though, is that therapy would really help her deal with stress as well as (for her) raised oxytocin levels.
I am far from suggesting that you propose therapy to her, it is her job to make decisions about her mental health. I did want you to know more about what might be going on so that you are strengthened in your role as emotional leader.
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« Reply #21 on: October 20, 2021, 07:42:14 AM »

Interesting. I wonder if your wife's desire for another baby coincides with the child adding solid foods and nursing less.

Breast feeding might being a sense of well being due to oxytocin levels rising. Well something else does too  Being cool (click to insert in post)  if she's interested.

But more than that, nursing is a way to cuddle and feel close to a baby and this may help her feel loved and secure. But children need to grow up to be independent adults and this sense of independence needs to be fostered too.



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« Reply #22 on: October 20, 2021, 05:09:38 PM »

Thanks khimbosis and not Wendy. That is interesting about oxytocin levels making my wife more normal. Her bpd has been massively elevated since having the children and I thought it was mostly hormonal, as the actual caring for them doesn’t seem to stress her that much, it has all been about the struggle with breast- feeding and little one being sick and in nicu. Yes my wife surely does feel sad that the little one is now trying to sit up more and she planned to start weaning her at six months (present advice) as with the first, but she has acknowledged that she is showing signs of becoming unsatisfied and may choose to wean early (it’s only a couple of weeks away). I guess she feels the baby won’t need her as much. She does love to see the children becoming more independent though in a way but I guess her solution is, as I’ve said, have more babies. She really wants a big family. But she has acknowledged that we would need to pay off our debts if we wanted to foster. And that is certainly not happening anytime soon. But she wants to have the last two embryos (one at a time, but could still become twins) then do another round of ivf.. then maybe foster. She has also acknowledged that her previous mental health issues may prevent it. I have no idea if this is the case. How can I best support her with all of this? How do I validate her but tell her I don’t agree? Obviously I will have to disagree at some point if it’s not all going to happen…
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« Reply #23 on: October 20, 2021, 06:39:03 PM »

I think if I had to pick one common theme, it would be "how to say no to someone with BPD". It's very hard but consider that, yes doesn't really mean yes if one can't say no. And yes doesn't mean yes if it's actually yes out of fear.
It'
The reaction may be tough to manage but really, in any relationship, we have to be able to say yes or no. I don't think anyone likes to hear "no" but mature people don't get completely unglued over it.

I will admit, saying "no" is scary for me. Saying "no" to BPD mom is especially scary.

Some things don't have to be decided. The youngest is 6 months old. You can say "let's discuss about more children when baby is older" "Let me think about it" "I need time to think about this" are also appropriate answers to requests.
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« Reply #24 on: October 21, 2021, 07:29:20 AM »

  How do I validate her but tell her I don’t agree? Obviously I will have to disagree at some point if it’s not all going to happen…

Do you really need to tell her you don't agree?  That is the question....most of the time we can just validate and move on.

There are other ways to gently say that you are not in agreement.

"That's a very important point I hadn't considered yet.  I'll take some time to think about that this weekend, then we can see where we can come together on an agreement."

Best,

FF
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« Reply #25 on: October 21, 2021, 02:05:18 PM »

Agree with FF No need to disagree. Validate her, then put the reponsibility of execution onto her. Let her make the appointments and figure out how to pay for them. A mild "can we pay our debts first before we make more expenses ?" might work on a good day.  Or maybe just change the subject and propose you work together on a savings plan to pay college fees for the two you already have...
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« Reply #26 on: October 21, 2021, 05:05:47 PM »

Thank you all, sometimes my wife likes to remind me that she says a lot of things that she doesn’t actually intend to do, just she likes thinking and talking about it. I certainly don’t like to study and dissect and try to make sense of what she says. They say to stop and think before responding… Well now I am literally stopping to try and think what you guys would advise me. It’s a great way of keeping my mouth shut actually. Like those poor kids she mentioned fostering? She texted me when I was working, “I want to look after them and love them forever…” And that evening I validated her feelings about this. And she hasn’t mentioned it since. I hope they find a wonderful loving home but it won’t be with us.
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« Reply #27 on: October 22, 2021, 07:21:49 AM »

She texted me when I was working, “I want to look after them and love them forever…” And that evening I validated her feelings about this. And she hasn’t mentioned it since. I hope they find a wonderful loving home but it won’t be with us.

Slam dunk!!!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Nice Work!!

Best,

FF
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« Reply #28 on: October 22, 2021, 05:04:18 PM »

Amazing when I think how many arguments could have been prevented over the years by me just saying, “ah I see..” rather than my standard responses: “that’s ridiculous, let me tell you why..”; “right these are your options…”; “here are some ideas how I can help you with this…” “we can’t do that because we can’t afford it..” and, one of the biggest sins, responding to “I look horrible” with “no you don’t..”
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« Reply #29 on: October 23, 2021, 09:30:59 AM »


So...if she walked through the house today and announced to you..

"I look horrible.."

What would you say in response?

I'm interested in your thoughts on reasons for that response.

Best,

FF
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