discarded and trying to move on

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Yeah, No Contact.  It's the only way.  I had to do it.  My BPDex was an expert at flipping the situation and putting it on me.  She could always talk me out of breaking up, even if a day later the same behaviors would continue and the previous conversation completely forgotten.  She was convincing, captivating and articulate.  An expert story teller.  I bought them all.

But the "proof is in the pudding", "it's where the rubber meets the road",  at some point words have to have deeds to match otherwise they are meaningless.

You can listen to us, or your therapist, or yourself, but for crying out loud don't listen to a single thing your BPDx says at this point.

[Ad Meliora]

Yeah, No Contact.  It's the only way.  I had to do it.  My BPDex was an expert at flipping the situation and putting it on me.  She could always talk me out of breaking up, even if a day later the same behaviors would continue and the previous conversation completely forgotten.  She was convincing, captivating and articulate.  An expert story teller.  I bought them all.

But the "proof is in the pudding", "it's where the rubber meets the road",  at some point words have to have deeds to match otherwise they are meaningless.

You can listen to us, or your therapist, or yourself, but for crying out loud don't listen to a single thing your BPDx says at this point.

[SinisterComplex]

Yeah, No Contact.  It's the only way.  I had to do it.  My BPDex was an expert at flipping the situation and putting it on me.  She could always talk me out of breaking up, even if a day later the same behaviors would continue and the previous conversation completely forgotten.  She was convincing, captivating and articulate.  An expert story teller.  I bought them all.

But the "proof is in the pudding", "it's where the rubber meets the road",  at some point words have to have deeds to match otherwise they are meaningless.

You can listen to us, or your therapist, or yourself, but for crying out loud don't listen to a single thing your BPDx says at this point.

Aero, I am going to re-iterate and emphasize what AD-M has said. IT IS THE ONLY WAY. To quote Shinedown from their song Cut The Chord

"Cause agony brings no reward
For one more hit and one last score
Don't be a casualty, cut the cord
cut the cord
(Freedom, la la la la)
(Freedom)"

You don't have to explain jack S to anyone either because you are making a healthy decision and choosing yourself and putting yourself, your feelings, and your own mental health first! Nike that S and Just Do It!

Cheers and best wishes and hell if you need a big hug well then how about a big grizzly bear hug! 

[aero0421]

Thanks for the pep talk. I agree -- I'm not going to speak to her further.

I think just processing what she said is really painful. It was traumatic enough for my partner to leave, disappear, refuse to explain, and instantly find a new partner. But now I'm processing that she really feels that I was her problem. That I made her unhappy. Some of it makes sense and of course there is such a thing as incompatibility beyond bpd and disorders. But I can't help but feel horrible that this relationship that I thought was worth fighting for, that was so important to me, ultimately was not for her. Worse than that, she views me as her trigger and that now all is better. It's really disorienting. And frustrating. Because I don't feel I was given a fair chance.

And I remember at the start of our relationship she said I made her so happy and I had everything she wants, and her husband did not. Now, the new guy makes her happier. So am I crazy? Am I deluding myself? I'm focused on myself, but part of this process for me is understanding how this has all gone down. I'm an analytical person. And it's just really painful to think that I was "wrong". Has anyone else worked through these feelings?

[ILMBPDC]

Yes, I spoke to my therapist today thank god (I talk to her twice a week). Kel messaged me a few more times today, saying it meant a lot to talk with me and that she misses me in her life. On the one hand, I did have a lot of things I had wanted to say to her, and finally had the chance to, so it's the closest I'll get to closure. It's also just strange hearing from her so much after 5 months of silence.

I'm glad you feel better getting stuff off your chest just be very aware of the possibility that she is trying to recycle OR just wants to make sure she still "has" you in case she needs to recycle.

I'll be honest, I worry about this - I know I haven't fully healed and if he came back to me now (just about 10 weeks later) I feel like I might try to navigate "being friends" with him again, even though I know better and know it can't work (I tried it once already, it didn't work!). There's some tiny part of me who still wants him in my life. I'm hoping I can heal that part fully before he reaches out. 

[quote  author=aero0421]I'm not going to speak to her further.[/quote]
I'm so glad to hear this! Its always a little scary when I hear someone has talked to their ex, its such a slippery slope

I think just processing what she said is really painful. It was traumatic enough for my partner to leave, disappear, refuse to explain, and instantly find a new partner. But now I'm processing that she really feels that I was her problem. That I made her unhappy. Some of it makes sense and of course there is such a thing as incompatibility beyond bpd and disorders. But I can't help but feel horrible that this relationship that I thought was worth fighting for, that was so important to me, ultimately was not for her. Worse than that, she views me as her trigger and that now all is better. It's really disorienting. And frustrating. Because I don't feel I was given a fair chance.

Ouch. 

And I remember at the start of our relationship she said I made her so happy and I had everything she wants, and her husband did not. Now, the new guy makes her happier. So am I crazy? Am I deluding myself?

No, you're not crazy. BPDs are known to rewrite history in their head. It makes no sense to anyone but them.

I'm focused on myself, but part of this process for me is understanding how this has all gone down. I'm an analytical person. And it's just really painful to think that I was "wrong". Has anyone else worked through these feelings?

I've said it a number of times on this forum - I am very analytical too, and have a need to understand things. But in this situation I realized that I had to work on letting go of the need to understand, I had to come to terms with knowing I will never understand. Its a really hard thing to let go of when you are analytical but this is one thing that you truly cannot analyze to find the answer. Their brains just don't work the same way so it will never make sense to us.

[Dad50]

Your story sounds so much like mine.I think that folks are right that the only way is no contact. I am not quite there yet either. Seeing them be so nice and kind to someone is so painful because it makes you think maybe it was you, but they were just like that with us at the beginning.

[WhatToDo47]

Wow this all sounds so much like my story, and it even happened around the same time frame. I am also analytical, and my wife found me when I was in a weak spot coming off a bad break up. She told me how awful it was that someone treated me like that and that she would never hurt me or abandon me. Fast forward 6 years, and one random Monday afternoon she splits me and discards me for someone new, saying I’m her trigger now, that she can’t remember the good times, etc. And, to her, it’s all completely normal and justified because of how hurt she was feeling at the time.

All of the above helped me so much. You’re definitely not alone.

[WhatToDo47]

Hang in there.

I know it’s so much to process. All of us here have had similar experiences. My wife of 4 years did this to me recently. Everything was so amazing at first. I told her and everyone I knew for 4 years how blessed I was and how I found my soulmate. I overlooked all her red flags like her alcohol and coping mechanisms. The fact she cheated and left every relationship suddenly for someone else. The fact that in every aspect of her life she was the victim. She even called me like her hero/savior/rescuer.

As time went on she struggled more and more. We have two daughters and all she wanted to do was play “mom” and wife on social media but not actually being those roles. She started getting more depressed, disconnected to the kids, multiple suicide attempts and psych holds, even abuse at me and the kids.  She praised me throughout for staying by her side and called herself terrible over and over for what she would put us through. Then suddenly one day she ghosted me and then wanted a divorce. This lead to a sudden departure on her end. She left me, filed for divorce, and was having an affair. She also put us in extreme debt and hid it. All while gaslighting and blaming me for everything. She even told me she never loved me and used me this entire time.

Currently, we are in a custody battle and she’s having my kids call the new guy “daddy” all while still gaslighting me that I’m the issue and she’s not with anyone.

I luckily am in a new relationship and am moving forward in my career. Doesn’t make things that easy though. She damaged me greatly and I have a ton of guards and baggage after everything. She destroyed me. But I’m rebuilding slowly. And now that I’m moving forward she has begun “hovering” at times. She’s stalked my house, questions and cares about what I’m doing in my career and who I’m with. All this after months of her saying “what I do is none of your business” and “I’m not your wife”.

Here’s the bottom line. BPD is like the relationship twilight zone. Suddenly and unexpectedly the person you trust the most does everything imaginable to betray and destroy you while blaming you. It’s their defense mechanism to prevent their false reality of being abandoned. They don’t have an identity so they chase highs and mimic who they are around or with. The use people. They suffer internally doing anything they can to keep their head above water. And they will do this again and again and again forever, unless they undergo years of actual effective treatment.

I know it’s hard. My life literally was destroyed by the love of my life. And I still love her. So take it from me, you’re better off without her. That person you fell in love with doesn’t really exist. You deserve something real. And even if they DID try to come back, it would be short lived.

It’s not your fault. It took me time to realize it wasn’t my fault either. They’re sick. Pathological. Unwell. And I feel bad for them/her. They will likely never find any peace and happiness. And everyone that they move on to will eventually face the same reality we did. It’s a cliche, but you really did dodge a bullet.

This is so helpful. Thank you truly!

[WhatToDo47]

No. 100s of others on this board have wondered that, too. It's normal. But the answer is a definitive no - in the long term. In the short term, yes, he will. He will be idealised just like you were.

Consider this:

All BPDs have a pattern of unstable relationships. If she doesn't have unstable relationships, she doesn't have BPD. If she has BPD, she has unstable relationships.

You are sure she has BPD. Therefore, she will not have a stable (and happy) relationship with your replacement.

So simple yet so helpful. Wow.