Thx to everyone. I have a question that is blocking my mind. I know that I need to decide on that myself but I would be grateful for some perspectives on that.
So... the BIG issue right now for me is that I am mostly concerned about our son.
He is 11 now, just started his 5th grade which where we live is a big step forward for kids since they jump from having a single teacher to having a teacher for every subject. Also, things start getting serious, no more good marks that are not earned etc.
He is a very emotional kid, and as a child had horrible tantrums, could not sleep well and life was generally a nightmare, asides off course from happy times in between. He "came to himself" somewhere during last year of kindergarten, one very special caregiver, warm and loving, made great impact on him and he became stable.
His 1st grade also started very bad cause he did not have any interest in school etc. But my wife worked really hard with him, despite his reactions and tears, and established a good working routine with him.
From the early days we established a sort of a good cop bad cop thing, me being a good cop cause for some reason he responded too drastic on me being angry, he would go to total mess in seconds. He also could never stand well agressive authority from anyone other than his mother. She managed somehow to make a good mix of love and care and authority.
But that created a situation in which I am more of a friend - father, spending a lot of time with him and playing with him (she really rarely plays with him, she is just not that type), also I was always the one taking him out alone because she works in the kindergarten as a special educations senior consultant just where we live, so when she would come out all the parents were on here neck all the time asking her this and that and she is not a really social type of person (as most BPD people to my knowledge).
Our son continued to develop into a really nice, emphatic and caring kid, also a really funny kid that makes us laugh a lot. He is really a character, different than both of us, enjoys the "stage" and likes to perform etc.
But his deep emotionality remained and he is very much linked to the perception of us as family. He still sleeps with his mother in our bed, because at first he was really afraid of the dark, and later for practical reasons (we had an earthquake and in his room there are cabinets over his bed; also I snore like an elephant and she sleeps really lightly).
OK, thats for the context, thanks for following to here. So the question / issue at hand right now.
After the earthquake which really hit her emotionally, things started getting worse with her BPD. Also, our son became more aware of his mother being "crazy". I established a way of communicating that to him without using medical terms by saying that she has a "different kind of brain" where she sometimes is "not totally in control of her emotions". But off course it takes its tall and it is not a normal situation.
So, right now things are like this:
1) He started 5th grade, really hard, has some setbacks in couple of subjects where he needs to really pull hard to catch up, so we need to work each day for couple of hours. He is OK with that and there is no problem in that respect.
2) BUT - because of the earthquake my son has to go to another school where he has morning / afternoon shifts. As my work works mornings, it means that in the afternoon shifts all schoolwork falls on my back (and she is much better in this as this is her profession and she was the one working with him), and also because he has sports 3 times a week that means that 3 times a week she does not get to see him till 8.30 PM. And that seems to fall really hard on her emotionally because he is in a way her only stronghold at the moment (she always says that the is the only good thing in her life right now).
3) She is lately bragging a lot about us needing to move away somewhere (basically she is bored and does not like this neighbourhood) which is totally killing our son because he finally got integrated into his class and really enjoys living here.
4) So, basically if I would separate / divorce from her, which she always wants during the "off" phases, there would be two choices that I see:
First, the way she wants, to let our son with her. I am really afraid of this because I feel that it might be OK for a while, since I trigger her episodes mostly, but she also sometimes lashes at him and he would not have my protection.
Also, since she works mornings, she would need to move him to another school with only morning shifts. She would also probably move to another part of town so he would loose his friends.
Second, I could ask for custody or at least shared custody week-by-week, but I think she would oppose that (or at least that is what she says when she is "there") and then I would have to play the BPD card (she is undiagnosed and the option of going to therapy is totally off, she "does not believe in therapy") and that would totally destroy our relationship which would be really hard on our son, especially in this pre-adolescent phase.
This is why I am trying to hold on to our marriage as long as possible, at least until our son is old and strong enough to get through it without unrepairable damage. I also fear that he might have BPD trait (her aunt committed suicide) and that his might be a trigger, and we recently had a friend whose son hanged himself at the age of 13, two years after their divorce, and the idea of that is powerful enough for me to endure really anything.
So it is a sort of a dead-lock. If we divorce, our son will be shattered, I think. Especially if she gets him. Also, though I earn most of our money, I don't have a steady job and in our country there is a strong preference in giving children to mothers post-divorce.
If we stay married, and nothing changes, there is a risk of escalation and again situations that would be really bad for our son's mental health.
She is right now I think in the "I am divorcing you phase". Yesterday she hit me 4 times (lightly) on the head for the first time and today morning she did not speak to me, and now she asked if our car is free after her works cause she needs to go somewhere...
