Any tips/advice on how to prepare for the hearing

[Guts42]

A number of people have recommended I write a book.  Some of the things I've considered "normal" for years have gotten reactions ranging from spit takes to angry ranting.  Maybe one day...

We have a hearing for our temporary restraining order set.  Has anyone ever been involved in one?  CPS has flat out said that if the order isn't continued/extended that they'll step in to help me protect the kids.  However, after speaking with the CPS agent, local PD, and the kids' therapist the gist I'm getting from them is that it will almost certainly be extended/granted/etc.  I think the multiple CPS investigations and her recently being committed (and now my D's interview with the CPS agent) will all come into play.

Any tips/advice on how to prepare for the hearing?

[stolencrumbs]

A number of people have recommended I write a book.  Some of the things I've considered "normal" for years have gotten reactions ranging from spit takes to angry ranting.  Maybe one day...

We have a hearing for our temporary restraining order set.  Has anyone ever been involved in one?  CPS has flat out said that if the order isn't continued/extended that they'll step in to help me protect the kids.  However, after speaking with the CPS agent, local PD, and the kids' therapist the gist I'm getting from them is that it will almost certainly be extended/granted/etc.  I think the multiple CPS investigations and her recently being committed (and now my D's interview with the CPS agent) will all come into play.

Any tips/advice on how to prepare for the hearing?

I had an order of protection against my stbxw. It never actually made it to a hearing, and if your w hires an attorney, you might be prepared for them to offer what my w's attorney offered and I accepted. It was an agreement to extend the temporary order for the duration of the divorce. That kept the order of protection from being something that showed up on background checks of her. For me, I was okay with it because it moved the OP to the same judge that was hearing our divorce case, and a violation of it still put her in contempt, and a hearing was always an option. No idea if your w will ask for that, but be aware that it is a possibility.

I also had an order of protection many years ago against a stalker. That's obviously a different situation, but I did have a hearing for that. It was all pretty straightforward, and I think it would've been with my w as well. Basically, you just need to be able to substantiate what was in your petition for the ex parte order. The judge has already signed off on what you said there being enough to grant an OP. If you can substantiate what's in that, which you can, you should be fine. In my case, I had submitted all the evidence I had to back up what I was saying, and the actual hearing took less than 10 minutes. I wouldn't necessarily count on that, but I think the focus should just be on substantiating the claims in the original petition.

More broadly, I wanted to chime in to say I've been following your story and there are a lot of similarities to my story (minus having children.) I hung around for a long time with my w. I put up with a lot of abuse for a lot of years. My wife was committed multiple times. She self-harmed and made more suicide threats than I can count and a handful of fairly serious attempts. I ultimately filed for divorce and got an order of protection against her. It's all really hard.

But for me, the order of protection was the best thing I ever did. I had a lot of guilt about it. But the order of protection gave me a chance to breathe for the first time in many, many years. I didn't realize how much I needed that until I actually had it.

One of the things I've come to realize, after over a year of weekly therapy, is how distorted my own perceptions of reality were. When you're in the middle of all of that, and threats are everywhere, and you're constantly on high alert, and you get really attuned to the other person's emotions, and you live your life trying to keep fires from starting, you literally lose sight of reality and lose touch with huge portions of yourself. At least I did. And I didn't realize it until I got a break from it. It's like being out at sea for a long time. You get used to it. It feels normal. It's not until you get back on land that you realize how messed up your equilibrium is. I mean on some level I realized it, as you do, but for me, there has been a whole new level of understanding that has come with time and space and the opportunity to just be me.

You have a lot of practical things to think about and work through right now. And all of that is obviously hugely important. I hope you can also take this time when you get a nice long break from the chaos, to start the process of grounding yourself and reorienting yourself and getting back in touch with parts of yourself that have possibly been cut off to you for a long time.

I hope all of what you're doing right now brings you some peace soon. That peace can do wonders for your ability to make decisions about how you want to move through this.

[ForeverDad]

Likely you can follow the lead from the professionals.  As stolencrumbs wrote, be prepared with documentation for what you've already reported. 

You can reference your journals or other records while there to refresh your memory of details.  Your stbEx or her lawyer cannot demand them, they're your records.  When I testified about some recordings I made - over the course of two entire days - I had to declare the dates and other details in my testimony.  Odds are the hearing will be way too brief to dig down that far.

Beware of counter-allegations or traps your ex or attorney may spring on you.  One of your defenses for prior questionable actions (or lack of actions) is that you didn't realize at first what you were dealing with nor how to handle the increasing conflict.

Another trap sprung on you is whether you're bigger than the ex.  (That could make you seem defaulted to being an ogre.  But think... young children are smaller than either parent, is that basis to claim all children should fear all parents since they're all larger?

Yet another is if you're asked whether you want her back.  Previously you would have probably said, yes.  I was almost caught off guard by that.  Instead I said, "No, not the way she is."  That question was posed to get me to say 'yes' and then my ex's attorney would have turned to the magistrate and said, "See?  He wants her back under his control, he's a controller."

You're not there out of spite.  You just want protection for yourself and especially the kids.  You've done what you could until now but it wasn't enough, there needs to be distance and limits set on the contact.

[GaGrl]

What documentation can be presented at this hearing regarding the current effects on the children? Would the therapists provide a diagnosis, such as anxiety or stress related to their interactions with Ex?

[livednlearned]

Any tips/advice on how to prepare for the hearing?

Has anyone explained what will be happening? Do you know if you'll be expected to speak?

Sometimes DV shelters will have advocates who can give you the 30,000 foot view of what typically happens, what the judge is like, what you'll be doing (or not), etc.

Know too that when you stay with someone abusive for a long time and fail to protect the kids, you can also be on trial to an extent.

"My job is to protect these kids and to keep them safe" is a fully formed thought.

I was cautioned by my L to talk about what I was doing for my son to make clear why the same person who permitted the abuse to occur could now be trusted to protect.

Less talk about what my ex was doing wrong, and more about what I was (now) doing right, and would keep doing.

[ForeverDad]

Less talk about what my ex was doing wrong, and more about what I was (now) doing right, and would keep doing.

Courts and its professionals know that there is a risk of a relapse, that is, of you going back to a bad relationship.  You may be surprised to learn that some persons have a hard time learning not to use the court as a revolving door system... seeking help when things get bad, then going back to to the old relationship as things cool off, a cycle that can repeat.

I've also commented that you'll get better response from officials if you follow through on your calls for help.  If you ponder the situation, you can imagine police getting a call to respond to your address and one remarking to the other, "Oh, I know that address.  No rush.  Ms Waffle always calls for help but then retracts her complaints later."  You don't want a reputation as a revolving door litigant.  If it is a serious matter, follow through on the process.