BPD ex wife found out about new relationship

[AlbatrossRising]

So my BPD wife of 4 years and two children left me for another man about 6 months ago and filed for divorce. A lot happened to the lead up to this including multiple suicide attempts by her, psych holds, verbal and physical abuse, surprise debt, and a lot of cheating, lying, manipulating, gaslighting and devaluing. Before this all went down she was self aware enough to tell me often that she caused so many issues and how great I was for remaining by her side, but eventually I was fully painted black and she ran. No matter what I did to keep our family together, there was no progress. And every time I caught her cheating, she only denied it and gaslit me or accused me of being the one cheating and ruining our marriage.

Since this time she moved out, has been with “my replacement” that she still denies (not that I ask anymore) and has done everything in her power to keep the kids from me. She even has my 3 year old referring to the new guy as “daddy”. Not a fun situation.

About a month ago, I began a new relationship with a coworker of mine that has gone through similar stuff of her own with her narcissistic ex. We started out as great friends and a support system for one another and eventually this evolved into more.

My ex has recently caught wind of this. My oldest daughter will reference my new girlfriend and my ex also has accused me of having hickies on my neck and asked me multiple times who this other woman is. I often help watch my GFs daughter and my ex has seen her daughter during child exchanges and has asked me about her too. My ex also has snuck on to my property during this time and has taken stuff out of my backyard, maybe out of spite? She also has dressed very sleezy during exchanges to get my attention and has kept the kids from me as much as she possibly can as “punishment”. My ex will also be overly nice and friendly at times now too.

All this is confusing to me. She herself told me multiple times that she was no longer my wife and what she does is none of my business and now she seems so jealous and spiteful Bc I finally moved on.

I was curious if any of you had any input on this or have a experienced something similar.

I know her new relationship won’t last. As they never do and she definitely traded down. I’m also advancing my career and I know she’s gotten wind of that as well. I feel as if I’m moving on in a strong way and her greener grass wasn’t as green as she thought.

[grumpydonut]

Hey Albatross,

I can't offer too much insight regarding this topic, but I can share an anecdote that will highlight that this is likely all part of the disorder.

My ex cheated on me and begged me to forgive her. I did. 6 months later she ghosted me to secretly start dating the bloke she cheated on me with. However, despite this, she admitted that she was stalking me online and even created a fake dating profile to see if I was on Tinder...

It's confusing to you, because it's disordered thinking. It doesn't make sense to us because we don't think or behave that way. The one thing I would encourage is that you don't overthink her actions, as it's a path to no where.

Eventually you'll get to the stage where you see or hear of her doing something baffling and you'll simply say to yourself "yep, BPD"

[Ad Meliora]

Hi Albatross,

While your specific situation is unlike mine, the behavior seems similar especially this.

She herself told me multiple times that she was no longer my wife and what she does is none of my business and now she seems so jealous and spiteful Bc I finally moved on.

My BPDx was the queen of double standards.  I was to comply with one set of behaviors (whatever she wanted, when she wanted) and she another (whatever the hell she wanted whenever the hell she wanted to do it).  So it's not surprising she said she didn't care, and now she does.

All the other crap aside (and there's plenty I can see here my friend), my advice is to keep your relationship "downwind" from your ex and not give her any more fuel for her erratic behaviors.  Play it cool for a bit, and she'll likely soon get bored and some other impulse will drive her to do some other wild and crazy thing (hopefully not involving you or your backyard lawn furniture  .  So if it's things on social media, maybe don't post about your new relationship, etc...for a bit.

Another reason to keep your new relationship on the QT is that your oldest daughter may become an inadvertent messenger of disturbing news.  It's not good to put your kids in the middle, especially with an unstable ex.  If you can, maybe don't do "date night" on nights your exchanging kids with your BPDx.  I'm sure your co-worker will understand and she doesn't want to exacerbate the situation, right?

You're wife's a manipulator, of course she's going to do the daddy thing.  Your daughter will know the difference.  My father tried the same thing when I was seven and my sister 4 with our stepmother (our mother very much alive and we lived with her).  We knew the difference (and she soon will).  One battle at a time.

There's the other forum board too, about divorcing with kids, those folks might be a good place for specific references to your situation.  Good luck