It’s always selfish why they come back isn’t it?

[Calli]

It’s always for selfish reasons isn’t it?  Why they come back.  They may open with something promising…almost suggesting they’ve seen the light, apology ahead?  Never.  “I miss you….you made me feel such confidence, so good, I felt heard…” 

In my case - it’s to assuage his guilt!  But it’s even misplaced guilt - he doesn’t even take responsibility for how his actions ended things and the effects they had on me.  He wants my forgiveness because he wasn’t being true to himself (Eye roll).   That’s the least of your troubles, buddy.

And they just never understand the damaging effects they’ve had on us, do they?  The lives and families they’ve destroyed in their wake.  They don’t and can’t take responsibility for their own actions and manipulations.   They choose not to see it - blind to it.  Because if they ever confront that about themselves, they couldn’t handle it.   

“Did I somehow mislead you?”   I’ll say!  I have transcripts, conversations where I was the love of his life.  And he mine.  Years of this.  And it’s like it never existed in his mind.  He’s convinced himself of an alternate reality.  Anything to save face and ego.  It’s phenomenal how they do it.  Truly. 

His brain just cannot take the truth.  It’s not meant for it I guess. It is true that they are toxic to keep in our lives. 

I take solace in the fact that at least now we both agree we do not want to have a relationship.  A master chess game to extricate myself from it all, in a way that doesn’t provoke. 

[AlbatrossRising]

I understand. By BPD wife of 4 years and two kids left me earlier this year for another man. This was very sudden and after her coping and depression worsened. I used to be her biggest “savior”. Her “soulmate” and “best friend”, etc. then suddenly I was painted black and she lived in a new reality of me being terrible. She even admitted she loved me and just used me. She said she manipulates me bc I’m easy to manipulate. She’d blame me for every problem she ever had suddenly. She also told me that she doesn’t have BPD but I do (?).

It really is amazing how they conduct themselves. What they do and say. The reality they point for themselves.

Currently in a custody battle for my kids. She barely lets me see them. Has my daughters call the new supply “daddy”. It’s all psychotic

[grumpydonut]

@albatross

Have you looked at NPD symptoms and compared them to your ex? Sounds like you're dealing with something even more malevolent than the typical BPD.

[Dad50]

Same.

My ex had the nerve to tell me she just wanted to see me happy with a new relationship, and to do that I needed to unburden myself and list all the ways that I was terrible to her, my ex. This was one of her favorite tactics when we were together.

"List all the ways you are garbage".    Now it's, "I want to be your friend and see you happy, so just list all the ways you were garbage to me."

[SinisterComplex]

Same.

My ex had the nerve to tell me she just wanted to see me happy with a new relationship, and to do that I needed to unburden myself and list all the ways that I was terrible to her, my ex. This was one of her favorite tactics when we were together.

"List all the ways you are garbage".    Now it's, "I want to be your friend and see you happy, so just list all the ways you were garbage to me."

You were garbage huh? MMM...sorry to have dark humor, but that is kind of funny. Just from what I have seen here Dad50 I'm not so sure how you could be garbage or how you could be garbage to someone. I kinda have to immediately raise my BS   Flag on that one. LOL.

You sir seem to truly just genuinely be a good person. Too nice for your own good, but definitely a good human being. Now, I say that and perhaps you are hiding an alternate ego...one of a very sinister evil-doer. Ok I stretched it...yeah not seeing that. Ha.

Please keep being an authentic and genuinely good person.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[wiltoncarrot]

d

[Cromwell]

Correct and it was the same starting the relationship.

So take a leaf from their book {in the healthy way} and be a bit more selfish yourself?

[Dad50]

You were garbage huh? MMM...sorry to have dark humor, but that is kind of funny. Just from what I have seen here Dad50 I'm not so sure how you could be garbage or how you could be garbage to someone. I kinda have to immediately raise my BS   Flag on that one. LOL.

You sir seem to truly just genuinely be a good person. Too nice for your own good, but definitely a good human being. Now, I say that and perhaps you are hiding an alternate ego...one of a very sinister evil-doer. Ok I stretched it...yeah not seeing that. Ha.

Please keep being an authentic and genuinely good person.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thanks

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks

No problem. Its important you know the truth and that someone reminds you and keeps you grounded.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Calli]

Albatross, I’m so sorry to hear how hard your situation is currently.  It is truly heartbreaking how she treated you, and I hope that the custody works out!   And Dad50, it is obvious you are a very good person, and that what your ex did and said was abusive.   I am sorry you had to go through it. 

I am just thankful for sites like these where we can learn from eachother.

One other thing I take solace in - even though my ex reached out for misplaced guilt reasons - somewhere inside he must be struggling in some way.  if his reaching out to explain further, connect someway, lets him breathe easier now, maybe close his own chapter of difficulties - then I think it’s good.  I think I have reached a point that (although it irked me), my healing is not set back by it (or at least not substantially).  I know in 12-step programs they say not to reach out and apologize if doing so hurts the person more than it would help - so part of me was angry he did in my case - doesn’t he know this hurts me?   But in truth, I’ve moved past that now.  And I’m looking at it from a better view - if it brings peace overall, I think it’s good. 

And yes, grumpy donut as always you’ve got excellent insights - I should take a chapter in the book of selfishness … time to focus on me and what I want.  And i want stability, reassurance, trustworthiness, and reliability. 

[SinisterComplex]

Calli you don't necessarily need to be selfish. Just still be yourself, but have stronger boundaries and don't let others walk all over you. Do things because YOU want to not because someone else wants you to. Just don't go too far to the extreme. Essentially just make sure you are putting yourself to the side and you are not compromising yourself. You matter and your feelings matter...always keep that at the forefront of your mind! "And i want stability, reassurance, trustworthiness, and reliability." - This is good and this is what you should want. Do not settle for anything less than that. If you are dealing with someone who violates your boundaries and cannot respect you and your standards then do not hesitate to tell them to go kick rocks!

Cheers and all the best to you!

-SC-