Flying monkeys and Cut Off From Granddaughter

[Bluejay12]

We have been dealing with our adult BPD daughter and narcissist son in law for over two years.  They have used our sweet little granddaughter as a weapon against us.  She’s 4.  We haven’t even seen her now for over 7 months.  They live 6 minutes away.  Tragic.  They’ve used others in the family to advance their narratives but then dump them.  In the process, those family members have caused us even more grief because they participated in the evil, even if it was for a short while.  Can’t help but feel betrayed.  We’ve read the books on this subject which tell us to just take care of ourselves.  Good advice but what about the child?   Grandparent laws in our state are not supportive.  We’ve checked.  We are seniors so time is precious and they’ve squandered it.  Tonight I just needed to post here because I don’t know of any group of people who could understand more.  Thanks for listening

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello again Bluejay 12

I am pretty sure I have written to you before to say I recognize your pain, I know your pain.  I am glad you keep posting because it can be part of the healing.  I so agree with you...your situation is tragic.

I am much farther along in my similar journey...and it has been a heart-wrenching journey.  Those little loves-of-our-lives to whom we were surrogate parents because of all the drama in their mother's life (our daughter) are now 29/31.  They have different fathers with neither one of them having relationships with them nor those families...nor with us, their only living grandparents.   Such is the unbelievable influence our ubpd daughter has had on them.   I liken that to "Stockholm Syndrome."  Sadly, they are not even close with each other.  I am sure that is not what their mother wanted because a favourite line of hers has always been "the 3 of us."

Over the years I have read posts written by other grandparents where they have toyed with or taken advantage of "Grandparent Laws."   Seems in your case that is not an option.  Of course each scenario is different but I have always wondered about the added trauma to the children if that does come into play.  Once again...each scenario is different.

We have now been estranged from our daughter (who also lives within spitting distance of us) for 5 years.   Any contact has been through hurtful emails or letters.  Up to about 2 years ago I would respond (react) and then I made the decision to "step out of the arena."   If ever she decides to reach out in a more pleasant manner, she will be answered.

I so wish I could fill you with hope that your situation will change...that your family will become the family of your dreams...and therein lies the key.   One should not live with dreams...instead...with reality.   Right now you feel you (your husband, too) are a victim.  Your heart is on your sleeve as you deal with your daughter and for sure she'll play into that.

So what to do?  I think being here, participating in this forum, is a great start.   My journey to healing (by the way...a work-in-progress) was helped along as I started to post.  Rather than being judged, I was validated.  That eventually gave me the courage to make changes.  God knows I read and read and read about BPD but it took a while for me to put different "techniques" into practice.  Oh yes...it has been trial and error.

Bluejay 12 I so encourage you to keep posting...do your homework.  If at all possible, seek professional help for yourself and your husband.  I have done that a few times and what a relief it has been.

From one Mom to another...((HUGS) ...from Huat