Partner is unconventional BPD and we have a child

[Turkish]

Don't do it. She's seeing someone else, yes? It took September through the beginning of February to get my ex to leave... while she was seeing her beau. It was an emotional hell for me. She phoned it in as a mother. She slept on the couch. Meals were largely separate (because I couldn't stand her face). She 9nce stayed out until 5AM while I was home with our kids. A teenage mom, basically. I didn't charge her rent or utilities so she could save up. We turned in the $40k SUV (2013 dollars) I had bought her at a loss to me of about $8k.

She wants something. Her past behaviors have demonstrated that you're not safe (she's not a safe person to be around). For pwBPD, "lying feels like survival." See this post from a recent thread on Detaching. I read that book.

It also isn't her choice whether or not to sign a parenting plan. She could be served. I'd keep doing to soft approach though for now. I convinced my ex, the talks and negotiations starting when she lived with me, and ultimately served her by mail, no public shaming from a process server.

My ex also asked to come back (by text!) about four years after her marriage to the guy she left me for imploded. None of that was for me, but her.

Edit: my ex and I weren't married and I bought the house under my name.

[Couper]

Another reason to be careful with this "moving in" stuff (and maybe you already know this) -- is that in some states if she is there some certain amount of time and meets other criteria, like she's receiving her mail there, kicking her out later can become a legal issue in spite of the fact that you owned the house prior to her arrival on the scene.  Once they consider it her "residence", removing her can take on a whole new level of difficulty.

A friend just went through this.  He owned his house for over 20 years.  After he was widowed, he let a woman move in with him that didn't want to go when it was time for her to leave.  The State Police were called.  At first they were siding with her given the length of time issue (which was months -- not years) but then they found that she was still receiving her mail across the line in a neighboring state and that was enough to make them side with my friend and remove her. 

 

[NotAHero]

Turkish

 I honestly don’t know if she found a new host of just trying to. As of now she lives with her non exclusive couple friends that she had sexual relationship with in the past. Of course she is pretending to be “loyal still” and with her double think she appears to be truly believing that. .  My guess is that she is with them temporarily until she finds a new host. I’m afraid of her or what she might do but I took quite a few precautions. Keep in mind I’m trying to keep my son close during this time too so I’m having to take some risks. The stress she is putting me through is insurmountable. I’m not detailing the daily bursts in person when she shows up or on the phone or the messages. The deescalating techniques are not as helpful as books describe them probably because she may have some NPD elements present at the same time.

Couper

 That’s is true but she won’t get permanent position regardless. Worst case scenario I have to pay for an apartment for her for a few months and I’m not really opposed to that. I just want the nightmare to be over.

[NotAHero]

About #2... does she move back before or after complying with the legal stuff?  Why does it matter?  Promises mean little, it's the actions that count.  She could promise to work it out, move back and then insist on all sorts of delays and conditions.  Get the legal stuff in writing and according to what a local lawyer agrees is as binding as possible.

Is the residence a rental or do you own it?  Just saying, if you do end up divorcing and it's your home, there's risk the judge could award her possession with the child, even if only temporarily.

The only reason my now-ex didn't get possession of our home was that at the beginning I had protection (TPO) in a DV case and I got possession so she had to move out.  Otherwise I surely would have been the one on the outside looking in until our custody was finalized two years later.

Update to my case, legal papers signed ( after very careful push and pull cycles) and filed almost a month ago but for some reason the judge has not signed them yet.

 She tried to move back in gas lighting her way out of everything she did pretending “she never left just wanted a break”. I said no but keeping the relationship at arms length since the lawyer told me it’s 50/50 chance the judge will sign without a hearing. The anxiety and tension are high. I have a foot in heaven and the other in hell. Since I wrote my original post I have had things thrown at me, verbally abused countless times and much more. Nevertheless I kept the child exchange schedule going as if a court order was in place.

 I think whoever was using her got bored and bailed so she wants me back. She seems convinced with what she is trying to gas light me with. When I objected to the made up history she was enraged again after being nice for one day only. Reading the stories here and ironically giving advice to others helps me greatly in staying objective to my own struggle.

[NotAHero]

Don't do it. She's seeing someone else, yes? It took September through the beginning of February to get my ex to leave... while she was seeing her beau. It was an emotional hell for me. She phoned it in as a mother. She slept on the couch. Meals were largely separate (because I couldn't stand her face). She 9nce stayed out until 5AM while I was home with our kids. A teenage mom, basically. I didn't charge her rent or utilities so she could save up. We turned in the $40k SUV (2013 dollars) I had bought her at a loss to me of about $8k.

She wants something. Her past behaviors have demonstrated that you're not safe (she's not a safe person to be around). For pwBPD, "lying feels like survival." See this post from a recent thread on Detaching. I read that book.

It also isn't her choice whether or not to sign a parenting plan. She could be served. I'd keep doing to soft approach though for now. I convinced my ex, the talks and negotiations starting when she lived with me, and ultimately served her by mail, no public shaming from a process server.

My ex also asked to come back (by text!) about four years after her marriage to the guy she left me for imploded. None of that was for me, but her.

Edit: my ex and I weren't married and I bought the house under my name.

   I am going through a very similar situation now except she denies seeing others ( behavior and circumstances say otherwise).  Please tell me you got over it and it’s just a memory now…

[Turkish]

She asked to come back while separated but still married. I could have made it happen. I don't like her and she's gotten really weird with the public journey of self improvement from her childhood pain, but we get along well enough.