He's now reached out again

[Sappho11]

Like most people here, I spent months hoping for a sign of life from my ex who had emotionally abused me for months and who discarded me, twice.

The second discard happened in May, and he made the first h00ver attempt four months later: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=350650

I didn't respond, and he's now reached out again.

To all of you who are desperately waiting for a sign of life from your ex, let me tell you from experience that it is not worth it. Their message, whatever it says, won't make you happy. They won't change. They'll only try to reel you in again for their own sake, not for yours, and only to exploit you, never to love you.

I went from being distraught at the loss of my ex-boyfriend, to being angry at him, to feeling pity for him, and now I just think he's ridiculous. There is literally nothing he could do or say to ever change my perception of him again. So if you're anxiously waiting for a message – rest assured that even if it came, it would change nothing, not about them, not about you. When we originally broke up, I thought a message from him would put me on top of the world. The truth is, it wouldn't have – not even then. At best, it would have prolonged my suffering. And now, that I am over him, I just feel nothing – not even a sense of triumph, no gratification, no satisfaction whatsoever. It just is.

People who have the capability to hurt you so profoundly don't have the capability to make up for it.

I'll translate his BS message in the next post, if anyone cares for proof that they're only ever able to reproduce the same narcissistic $hitshow that you've grown used to during your relationship. And you're better than that.

[Sappho11]

His message starts right in the middle of the subject, no introduction, no form of address:

"Reading between the lines, as I (naturally!) couldn't refrain from taking a look at your social media posts, I suppose that you've found someone [romantic] by now. Please don't confirm this, this would still hurt at present; I'm glad that it happened more quickly this time and if I'm not mistaken, I wish you lots of luck and success. I was serious about the best for you, no matter which form, and it included this scenario.

I am sorry that I left you in the lurch when you needed my support the most. Surely, I didn't provoke the breakup out of jest, nor did I ever want anything but good [things] for you; but it was what it was. We enormously constrained one another (which – apart from the content of our last exchange – also stopped me for months from getting back in touch), instead of giving support, we held each other back in life – of course not intentionally! But still, it was so.

Even though we barely functioned together, and as painful as the aftermath may have been: I hope, you could take something away from our time together. For me, the collected experiences and perspectives therein were incredibly enriching and a learning as well as a life experience, like I've rarely been allowed to make before. For this I am immensely thankful to you.

In the meantime I've completed my diploma. It is difficult to put in words just what a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders, and I won't even try to do so at this point – I just wanted to share the success of this journey with you, because you were one of my most central accompaniments on this path. (Should you be curious to see the final product: please no. The work doesn't live up to my own standards, I have nothing but disdain for the topic and I have only completed it strugglingly and uncharacteristically pragmatically.)

Be unconcerned – I don't want any response from you, I don't feel bad and I won't harrass you again for the time being. The coldness of my last email was a thorn in my side and I still wanted to tell you fragments of my remaining thoughts.

That's all. Stay happy. You deserve it more than most.


PS. Should I be wrong about my assumption and [should] your cheer spring from a different source, the content of this letter [sic] is valid without change – I am happy you have found your life's happiness again."

[Sappho11]

For context, I was his cleaner, cook, maid, personal assistant, psychologist, proof reader, arm candy, life organiser and general bedrock for months, on duty 24/7. He virtually never reciprocated any of this, and discarded me immediately when I complained once that we barely saw one another once a week towards the end, and asked that he at least text me once a day. That was my "holding him back".

I'm now casually seeing someone who's openly told me that they're still healing from a past relationship and aren't ready for something serious yet, and even that person has already made more of an effort to make me a priority in the past four weeks, than my ex ever did in several years.

Ladies, gentlemen, there is ZERO reason to settle for anything less than honesty and reciprocity. I never thought it possible that there'd be someone else for me, but apparently there are many potential partners for everyone. Don't stick with one who tortures and exploits you.

[Couper]

You have truly come full circle.  You have shown that it is not about competition.  It is not about getting even.  It is about personal growth and moving on to a better place.  This is evidenced by the fact that you do not feel triumphant.  However, I do see you as the victor.  I see anyone that can take the suffering they experience in their life and move on to a better place as the victor.  Even more so because you also put yourself out there and use this newfound wisdom to encourage others to do the same rather than being prideful and keeping it all to yourself.

A lifetime of effort can be spent trying to "fix" one single person that doesn't want to be fixed and nothing will be gained.  However, helping people that are looking for that same way forward (and in turn can eventually do the same for others) has the potential to spread exponentially.  That's a beautiful thing.    

[poppy2]

Hey Sappho,

Thanks for sharing your update! I can't wait to read the translation and see whatever bizarre comparisons he's come up with this time.

Funnily enough, I think I'm in a similar spot to you. I havent heard from my ex (at least, not directly, although she posts very apposite songs on social media, which I admit I am curious to see), but rather retrospectively processing my feelings based on her behaviour.

For example, yesterday I was thinking :     my feeling that I was only a satellite in her orbit wasn't accidental, I had no intrinsic value as a person, only extrinsic value. And that is a deep form of psychic violence which, at the same time, they are also oblivious to.

Without being religious, I feel like she came into my life for a higher purpose, and that is - if you can learn boundaries, assertiveness, self-reliance, not to mistake compassion or pity for love, and to 'read' what is really happening rather than what you wish is happening (the fantasy, which they and to some extent we trade in) from a pwBPD, then you can practice it with anyone. The conflicting board is really an inspiration to me in this regard and I'm learning a lot from the people there.

of course there are many losses and terrible grief associated with it. The fact that they really are 'users' without a stable sense of self is just beyond comprehension. At the same time, I was with her for a reason, and know if I continue although the path of self-enquiry I'll overcome the person that was with her. That looks like the real 'victory' to me (and I am in need of empowerment, given the way she left me).

In the end, whether this happens in real life, or in my mind, is of little consequence. The important thing is getting there.

[poppy2]

haha, Sappho. Oh my. I can imagine this letter in German. Your ex does know that we're living in the 21st century, right? not in the late 1800s. I hope you don't mind if I take the liberty of dissecting this, as you once did for me.

"Reading between the lines, as I (naturally!) couldn't refrain from taking a look at your social media posts, I suppose that you've found someone [romantic] by now. Please don't confirm this, this would still hurt at present; I'm glad that it happened more quickly this time and if I'm not mistaken, I wish you lots of luck and success. I was serious about the best for you, no matter which form, and it included this scenario.

"I feel a deep ambivalence about the fact that you have a life independent of me. I don't want you to actually confirm this, but I do want you to know that I suffer because of it."

I am sorry that I left you in the lurch when you needed my support the most. Surely, I didn't provoke the breakup out of jest, nor did I ever want anything but good [things] for you; but it was what it was.

"Okay, I acted like a cad. We both know it. But you know, I reached my limitations, and that isn't my fault. In fact, taking responsibilty, which involves a commitment to change and growth, is so foreign to me that I'm now going to shift strangely to a collective "we" as I seek to wriggle my way out of my true feelings, then or now."

We enormously constrained one another (which – apart from the content of our last exchange – also stopped me for months from getting back in touch), instead of giving support, we held each other back in life – of course not intentionally! But still, it was so.
Even though we barely functioned together, and as painful as the aftermath may have been: I hope, you could take something away from our time together. For me, the collected experiences and perspectives therein were incredibly enriching and a learning as well as a life experience, like I've rarely been allowed to make before. For this I am immensely thankful to you.

This is a real word salad. "on the one hand, I want you to know we were terrible for each other, I mean, god-awful. on the other hand, I admit I really need you in my life, in fact, you're bascially unique." Personally, and I noticed this very much when you dissected the email I received, the general tone is sort of vaguely nice but the devil is in the (lack of) details. What exactly was so rarely enriching about his time with you? In fact, where are you at all? we are left none the wiser.

In the meantime I've completed my diploma. It is difficult to put in words just what a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders, and I won't even try to do so at this point – I just wanted to share the success of this journey with you, because you were one of my most central accompaniments on this path. (Should you be curious to see the final product: please no. The work doesn't live up to my own standards, I have nothing but disdain for the topic and I have only completed it strugglingly and uncharacteristically pragmatically.)

"by the way, I'm still pretty insecure about my work. I appreciate the support you showed me in the past and would you please, perhaps, maybe, tell me I'm better than I think I am"? 

Be unconcerned – I don't want any response from you, I don't feel bad and I won't harrass you again for the time being. The coldness of my last email was a thorn in my side and I still wanted to tell you fragments of my remaining thoughts.

This "for the time being" is a little worrying. Since you seem totally over this, have you thought about blocking him? I generally don't support that sort of behaviour as it's immature, but given the way he treated you in this case it's totally justified.

PS. Should I be wrong about my assumption and [should] your cheer spring from a different source, the content of this letter [sic] is valid without change – I am happy you have found your life's happiness again."

"Oh, in case you've forgotten by now, I'm still ambivalent about the ways I ended things. I'm not ready to admit that your happiness as an independent woman has nothing to do with me anymore."

[Dad50]

Thanks for the inspiration along the road to recovery.

This dude can certainly write entire paragraphs without actually conveying anything of substance.

[Ad Meliora]

I went from being distraught at the loss of my ex-boyfriend, to being angry at him, to feeling pity for him, and now I just think he's ridiculous. ...

People who have the capability to hurt you so profoundly don't have the capability to make up for it.--Sappho

I think you identified the proper stages of detachment. Congrats!    I agree with you on both of your statements above.  I'm seeing the whole relationship as ridiculous, especially as I read through my journals.  Why I didn't end it sooner, I'll never really know.

I read the "letter" or whatever and agree with Dad50.  I don't even know your ex and these words just sound hollow.  It's a lot of "we" kinda talk which makes it seem like you are still at least half to blame.  Then moves on to stuff about himself, so that pretty much backs up everything else you go on to say.

He must be missing his nurse or to be specific.

For context, I was his cleaner, cook, maid, personal assistant, psychologist, proof reader, arm candy, life organiser and general bedrock for months, on duty 24/7--Sappho

Nightmare's over, It's Sappho time.

[grumpydonut]

Not sure if there's a language barrier that is impacting these words, but this bloke is such an obnoxious psuedo-intellectual. Who writes like that, haha.

[Sappho11]

You have truly come full circle.  You have shown that it is not about competition.  It is not about getting even.  It is about personal growth and moving on to a better place.  This is evidenced by the fact that you do not feel triumphant.  However, I do see you as the victor.  I see anyone that can take the suffering they experience in their life and move on to a better place as the victor.  Even more so because you also put yourself out there and use this newfound wisdom to encourage others to do the same rather than being prideful and keeping it all to yourself.

A lifetime of effort can be spent trying to "fix" one single person that doesn't want to be fixed and nothing will be gained.  However, helping people that are looking for that same way forward (and in turn can eventually do the same for others) has the potential to spread exponentially.  That's a beautiful thing.    

Thank you for your kind words, Couper. I try.

There have been cases in the past where I did feel triumphant after someone who'd rejected me came back (and I got to tell them 'sorry, not interested anymore'). At that time, it felt like getting a shred of dignity back. I suppose this is what happens in normal relationships that don't work out.

But this time, it's different. All I see now are the actions of a disordered, mentally ill person. It's like in the old joke that you should never get into a fistfight with a child – either you win and you look like a jerk, or you lose and everybody knows you got your a... kicked by a child. And since pwBPD are essentially children, there is no "winning" or "getting even". Whether or not they come back, and/or apologise, is of no consequence.

I remember you were the first person to respond to me when I first joined this forum. At the time you wisely wrote that if I ever encounter the good qualities of my ex in another person, without the disorder, I'll be able to appreciate them much more. I think of these words often these days. I've recently met someone who does have many of those qualities – sensitivity, a strong desire for physical affection, even a similar kind of handsomeness – and while it isn't clear where this is going yet, you were right: all these things seem so much sweeter now.

Without being religious, I feel like she came into my life for a higher purpose, and that is - if you can learn boundaries, assertiveness, self-reliance, not to mistake compassion or pity for love, and to 'read' what is really happening rather than what you wish is happening (the fantasy, which they and to some extent we trade in) from a pwBPD, then you can practice it with anyone.

I agree wholeheartedly! What a splendid collection of skills to aspire to. We are doomed to repeat the same mistakes until we learn from them; life has a way of presenting us with the same challenges over and over until we do.

of course there are many losses and terrible grief associated with it. The fact that they really are 'users' without a stable sense of self is just beyond comprehension. At the same time, I was with her for a reason, and know if I continue although the path of self-enquiry I'll overcome the person that was with her. That looks like the real 'victory' to me (and I am in need of empowerment, given the way she left me).

Excellently said. And this is probably wherein the greatest potential of this upheaval lies: it tends to destroy the very foundations of our lives, only for us to realise that whatever was destroyed wasn't that great to begin with (or else it would have lasted).

It is fairly easy to admit this when it comes to, say, other relationships which suddenly blatantly appear to be toxic; it's much more difficult to do when it involves recognising deficient parts of yourself. The other day I was talking to a friend who recently got out of a narcissistic relationship. I tried to console him that it was difficult to see it now, but that (forgive the truism) it would eventually make him a stronger and better person. He half jokingly, half sadly replied, "How much stronger and better am I supposed to get?" I had to laugh because it was exactly what I thought immediately after the breakup, holding on to whatever shreds of ego that were left, until I realised I had HUGE areas to improve about myself. But that's the whole point of these experiences, isn't it? To help us let go of an ego which no longer serves us, to better ourselves not just superficially but from the ground up, and to ascend to a higher level of consciousness where we're able to make better choices both for ourselves as well as in our treatment of other people.

[Sappho11]

haha, Sappho. Oh my. I can imagine this letter in German. Your ex does know that we're living in the 21st century, right? not in the late 1800s.

At this point I should probably admit that I am somewhat at fault for this – or at least, it's his feeble attempt at mirroring. In German, I do speak in a rather antiquated manner myself (inevitable consequence of a neglectful childhood spent to larger parts in the company of 18th-century books than in that of 20th-century adults), and ironically, this was always a contention point for my ex. "Nobody says 'mir deucht' anymore." "Nobody starts a sentence with 'Allein,...'." "Well, I do. Get used to it." This was probably the only subject I always held my ground on, and after we broke up, he suddenly started to feign this style of speech himself (with little success, as you can tell – he doesn't seem to understand that there still need to be actual thoughts behind those words).

I hope you don't mind if I take the liberty of dissecting this, as you once did for me.

Oh poppy, you're the best!    Thank you for this linguistic autopsy. You pinpointed everything I felt when I read this and more!

This is a real word salad. "on the one hand, I want you to know we were terrible for each other, I mean, god-awful. on the other hand, I admit I really need you in my life, in fact, you're bascially unique." Personally, and I noticed this very much when you dissected the email I received, the general tone is sort of vaguely nice but the devil is in the (lack of) details. What exactly was so rarely enriching about his time with you? In fact, where are you at all? we are left none the wiser.

I don't factor into the equation as a human being because I was always just an extra in his solipsist universe. No surprises here.

"by the way, I'm still pretty insecure about my work. I appreciate the support you showed me in the past and would you please, perhaps, maybe, tell me I'm better than I think I am"? 

Oh God, how glad I am that I don't have to do this any longer! His life was a complete catastrophe; I don't think I've ever met anyone who had achieved as little as he had. Never again will I fall in love with someone's "potential" – chances are, it's just an attempted rationalisation of visceral animal desire.

This "for the time being" is a little worrying. Since you seem totally over this, have you thought about blocking him? I generally don't support that sort of behaviour as it's immature, but given the way he treated you in this case it's totally justified.

I've blocked him on all platforms and on my phone, but not email because I only check my email once a day and if he writes, it's easy enough to just dismiss it, without it having any effect on my day. I'll definitely block him if he writes again.

"Oh, in case you've forgotten by now, I'm still ambivalent about the ways I ended things. I'm not ready to admit that your happiness as an independent woman has nothing to do with me anymore."

Honestly, who does he think he is? It's almost as if he's saying "I broke up with you because I didn't want you anymore, but don't you dare to fall in love with anyone else – I might want you again at some point, after all." Sickening!

[Sappho11]

Thanks for the inspiration along the road to recovery.

This dude can certainly write entire paragraphs without actually conveying anything of substance.

Thank you. Can't they all? BPD might as well be called "No substance disorder", because that's what it is. All their words and whatever actions they muster are empty and hollow.

I think you identified the proper stages of detachment. Congrats!    I agree with you on both of your statements above.  I'm seeing the whole relationship as ridiculous, especially as I read through my journals.  Why I didn't end it sooner, I'll never really know.

Thank you! Yes, why didn't we end it sooner? The eros is mighty, I suppose.

This is a good opportunity to develop self-compassion. We often tend to look at our past selves as if we're sitting in front of the TV watching the Superbowl. "No! You idiot! Why did you go that way, you loser! Should have gone the other!" – But that's easy to say from the perspective of sitting comfortably in a couch, stuffing your face with Doritos (aka in hindsight). It's a whole different game when you're on the field, the spotlight is on you, you're sweating underneath your armour, and millions of people are watching. Which I imagine is quite similar to the anxiety you feel while still within these relationships.

We all did the best we could given the circumstances.

I read the "letter" or whatever and agree with Dad50.  I don't even know your ex and these words just sound hollow.  It's a lot of "we" kinda talk which makes it seem like you are still at least half to blame.  Then moves on to stuff about himself, so that pretty much backs up everything else you go on to say.

Thank you. Yeah, there's no way he'll ever take responsibility for his actions. In his perception, it will always be my fault.

And that's okay. Because in contrast to him, I am able to trust my own judgement, and I don't need to change his to be at peace with myself.

He must be missing his nurse or to be specific.

My guess is his ex before me didn't want him back and now he's trying to recycle me. Nnnnnope.

Nightmare's over, It's Sappho time.

Damn right it is!

Not sure if there's a language barrier that is impacting these words, but this bloke is such an obnoxious psuedo-intellectual. Who writes like that, haha.

  "Obnoxious pseudo-intellectual" is my new favourite phrase, thank you.

[Cant breathe]

I'm not sure how much the translation from German is affecting the word choice, but I do know that on the rare instances I heard from my ex after a discard, the words were similarly hollow, the delivery always wooden, the notes always focused on himself. I think we all wait for the sweet words, an honest and remorseful explanation that would make sense of things and wipe away the hurt. But this is just not going to happen. They are incapable. Even when we are sucked back in for another round, we have to do mental gymnastics to excuse their behavior because they still can't show full remorse.   

Let this be one more reminder that you are better off out of this relationship. You will grow, you will heal. He is stuck. Let him sink.

[grumpydonut]

I just took a shot for every time he spoke about himself under the guise of caring about Sappho. I now have alcohol poisoning and may die...

[poppy2]

In German, I do speak in a rather antiquated manner myself (inevitable consequence of a neglectful childhood spent to larger parts in the company of 18th-century books than in that of 20th-century adults), and ironically, this was always a contention point for my ex.

That's interesting! German is anyway far more formal than English, but you've taken it to the next-level

Oh poppy, you're the best!    Thank you for this linguistic autopsy. You pinpointed everything I felt when I read this and more!

You're very welcome  I'm glad it was helpful.

Never again will I fall in love with someone's "potential" – chances are, it's just an attempted rationalisation of visceral animal desire.

I made this mistake too. In your case, it seems to be related to music. In my case, with queerness. I thought: we can learn from each other, right  WRONG. But I do fundamentally believe we learn from each other and the world... I will just be more discerning about who I share that with.

Honestly, who does he think he is? It's almost as if he's saying "I broke up with you because I didn't want you anymore, but don't you dare to fall in love with anyone else – I might want you again at some point, after all." Sickening!

I'm so glad that you reached a place where this makes you angry, rather than being demeaning. It is demeaning, weird, and objectifying. I'm glad to hear you're having more positive experiences now!

He half jokingly, half sadly replied, "How much stronger and better am I supposed to get?" I had to laugh because it was exactly what I thought immediately after the breakup, holding on to whatever shreds of ego that were left, until I realised I had HUGE areas to improve about myself. But that's the whole point of these experiences, isn't it? To help us let go of an ego which no longer serves us, to better ourselves not just superficially but from the ground up, and to ascend to a higher level of consciousness where we're able to make better choices both for ourselves as well as in our treatment of other people.
 

Honestly, I'm still halfway between your friend and you  I believe, yes, the only choice is transforming the pain and overcoming it. For me I think this higher level is at some distant point in the future. Transforming pain into beauty.. it's a life task. Without the validation and knowledge the forum provides I wouldn't even know where to begin with that. 

[Ad Meliora]

Yeah Sappho, I'm kinda envious that he wants to charm you back, but then I think of the examples you provided and the emotional hell you endured and I think you're being smart to respond here and not to him.

I love hearing the posts and progress.  I'm definitely heading towards the "Sappho-Zone" of detachment!  That's the place to be for me! Heck yeah.

Keep us posted on updates, and the emerging saga "Sappho phinds a phlat" and other phonetic fantastical adventures.

[Ad Meliora]

Not sure if there's a language barrier that is impacting these words, but this bloke is such an obnoxious psuedo-intellectual. Who writes like that, haha.

Nice one GrumpyD.  Glad to see you back posting again.

[SinisterComplex]

Not sure if there's a language barrier that is impacting these words, but this bloke is such an obnoxious psuedo-intellectual. Who writes like that, haha.

Someone trying to appear smarter than they actually are. Ha. Additionally, trying to be too proper as if insinuating that Sappho could not handle what he had to say. Essentially he appeared to be rather passive aggressive and handling her with kid gloves. To a point I make...damn people nut up and spit out the truth. You don't have to lie to kick it. LOL

Seriously though...if anything Sappho I hope you gained an edge from this experience. When dealing with someone like this who tip toes and flip flops like a pancake you just have to hit em with a hey S or get off the pot mentality.

As far as contact with him and how he has gone about things...there is no doubt it is all about keeping you open as an option he can come back to later on.

As I have helped many people with...always keep this thought at the forefront of how you view yourself...you are either Option 1 or you are Option NONE! You bow to no one else and you will never be the backup kept in a glass jar break in case of emergency.

Happy to see you doing so well after this. Keep on keeping on.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Sappho11]

I'm not sure how much the translation from German is affecting the word choice (...)

Not a lot. He does have a weird writing style, trying to conceal the lack of thought/emotion behind empty words and a convoluted syntax.

...but I do know that on the rare instances I heard from my ex after a discard, the words were similarly hollow, the delivery always wooden, the notes always focused on himself. I think we all wait for the sweet words, an honest and remorseful explanation that would make sense of things and wipe away the hurt. But this is just not going to happen. They are incapable. Even when we are sucked back in for another round, we have to do mental gymnastics to excuse their behavior because they still can't show full remorse.   

Let this be one more reminder that you are better off out of this relationship. You will grow, you will heal. He is stuck. Let him sink.

I like to think I've already healed (for the largest part). Don't be concerned,  there is no way in hell I'd ever take him back.

I just took a shot for every time he spoke about himself under the guise of caring about Sappho. I now have alcohol poisoning and may die...

  Maybe I should have done this when I was together with him – might have made the relationship a lot more tolerable 

Yeah Sappho, I'm kinda envious that he wants to charm you back, but then I think of the examples you provided and the emotional hell you endured and I think you're being smart to respond here and not to him.

No need for envy. I thought it would feel gratifying to receive those messages. But it really doesn't. All they do is further illustrate his mental illness.

I love hearing the posts and progress.  I'm definitely heading towards the "Sappho-Zone" of detachment!  That's the place to be for me! Heck yeah.

That's the spirit! I'm still immensely flattered to be the namesake of that zone 

Keep us posted on updates, and the emerging saga "Sappho phinds a phlat" and other phonetic fantastical adventures.

I've found one! Thought I'd mentioned. It's a lovely place, a literal stone's throw from where I spent the happiest years of my childhood. I'll be moving in three weeks time.

Someone trying to appear smarter than they actually are. Ha. Additionally, trying to be too proper as if insinuating that Sappho could not handle what he had to say. Essentially he appeared to be rather passive aggressive and handling her with kid gloves. To a point I make...damn people nut up and spit out the truth. You don't have to lie to kick it. LOL

Seriously though...if anything Sappho I hope you gained an edge from this experience. When dealing with someone like this who tip toes and flip flops like a pancake you just have to hit em with a hey S or get off the pot mentality.

As far as contact with him and how he has gone about things...there is no doubt it is all about keeping you open as an option he can come back to later on.

As I have helped many people with...always keep this thought at the forefront of how you view yourself...you are either Option 1 or you are Option NONE! You bow to no one else and you will never be the backup kept in a glass jar break in case of emergency.

Happy to see you doing so well after this. Keep on keeping on.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you, SC! Your message has really made me think, and it is quite apropos even with regards to my present situation. I'm currently seeing someone casually, even though that's not really my cup of tea. He's been very candid about not wanting anything serious at the moment, so perhaps it is time for my retreat.

[Ad Meliora]

– But that's easy to say from the perspective of sitting comfortably in a couch, stuffing your face with Doritos (aka in hindsight).

So wait...they have Doritos in your part of the world?  I think I should apologize here for something.   In America we sure like our chips: corn, potato, mystery veggie, it doesn't matter.  I'm more of a potato chip guy myself when I want to scream at the TV, a little french onion dip on the side, perhaps.  But just so I can be clear on the analogy here am I picturing "Cool Ranch", "Nacho Cheese" or "Spicy Nacho Cheese" Doritios.  I'm into details...

I don't need any more analysis on your ex's writing.  Mine only ever wrote me one email that contained more than 2 paragraphs, otherwise it was 140 characters or less and usually ended with "and stuff".  Maybe you can guess from my posts that that didn't really work for me.

[ILMBPDC]

To all of you who are desperately waiting for a sign of life from your ex, let me tell you from experience that it is not worth it. Their message, whatever it says, won't make you happy. They won't change. They'll only try to reel you in again for their own sake, not for yours, and only to exploit you, never to love you.

Thank you for this reminder. Its so true - the  relationship was never about us, it was always about them and so is the breakup...its always going to be all about them

I went from being distraught at the loss of my ex-boyfriend, to being angry at him, to feeling pity for him, and now I just think he's ridiculous. There is literally nothing he could do or say to ever change my perception of him again. So if you're anxiously waiting for a message – rest assured that even if it came, it would change nothing, not about them, not about you. When we originally broke up, I thought a message from him would put me on top of the world. The truth is, it wouldn't have – not even then. At best, it would have prolonged my suffering. And now, that I am over him, I just feel nothing – not even a sense of triumph, no gratification, no satisfaction whatsoever. It just is.

I'm still waiting to feel nothing. I'm getting there, I think, but I am about 2 months behind you in the healing process so maybe 2 months from now I will be where you are now. I can't wait.

People who have the capability to hurt you so profoundly don't have the capability to make up for it.

Another fantastic reminder. I need this one tattooed on my forehead.
Thank you. You have been a huge help in my healing process through these months!  

[Sappho11]

So wait...they have Doritos in your part of the world?  I think I should apologize here for something.   In America we sure like our chips: corn, potato, mystery veggie, it doesn't matter.  I'm more of a potato chip guy myself when I want to scream at the TV, a little french onion dip on the side, perhaps.  But just so I can be clear on the analogy here am I picturing "Cool Ranch", "Nacho Cheese" or "Spicy Nacho Cheese" Doritios.  I'm into details...

Thanks, now I have a hankering for American chips  The last time I was on your side of the pond was fifteen years ago, and I was mesmerised by all the flavours you have (chips, or crisps over here, are my culinary guilty pleasure). Here, the most common flavour is paprika – something which doesn't seem to be common over there!

I don't need any more analysis on your ex's writing.  Mine only ever wrote me one email that contained more than 2 paragraphs, otherwise it was 140 characters or less and usually ended with "and stuff".  Maybe you can guess from my posts that that didn't really work for me.

Honestly, things like that make me wonder how many bullets I dodged when I unmatched Tinder matches because their writing style gave me the creeps, and my friends told me I was "too picky".

Writing is like a plaster cast of the mind.

Thank you for this reminder. Its so true - the  relationship was never about us, it was always about them and so is the breakup...its always going to be all about them
I'm still waiting to feel nothing. I'm getting there, I think, but I am about 2 months behind you in the healing process so maybe 2 months from now I will be where you are now. I can't wait.

You'll get there, trust me! Looking forward to reading your updates on your path 

Another fantastic reminder. I need this one tattooed on my forehead.
Thank you. You have been a huge help in my healing process through these months!  

Thank you so much. We can all but try!

[Cromwell]

Sappho, sounds like the usual fayre, lots of sweetness counterpoised by bitter, like honey blending with vinegar.

so what is to be done?

btw: ive followed your advice and started martial arts, you were correct its made a big difference positively, thanks for that.

by the sounds of it, all things being equal, would you say he was "better" than the former ex?