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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Divorced and sole custody!  (Read 83 times)
RestlessWanderer
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 354


« on: October 13, 2021, 11:13:53 PM »

A little over a month ago my divorce was finalized. Nine difficult months and countless hours of hard work with my attorney paid off. My ex (I can say that now!) hadn't participated in the court hearings since April, even though she essentially pushed the case to trial by refusing to negotiate in mediation. She also stopped calling our son and never signed up for the supervised visitations recommended by the priority consultation. Her attorney even quit the case! So, thanks to going AWOL and abandoning our son I got everything I asked for, and most importantly, sole custody!

My son and I are doing well. I continue my therapy as it will take more work to heal from the decade of trauma. But my son has progressed so much, his therapist felt he no longer had anything to work on. I sometimes feel sad for the path my ex has chosen; addiction, estrangement, ignoring her mental health needs. But I feel validation and immense relief that it's finally behind me.

Thank you BPD Family for all of the support and helpful advice I received during the most difficult times I endured. I learned to not feel angry or like a victim. I learned that the cruelty directed towards me was actually a serious and very real mental illness. I still hope that my ex will find the help she needs, after all our son does need a mother, a healthy mother.
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SinisterComplex
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 383



« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2021, 02:51:29 AM »

Honestly, this is phenomenal. A success story in a sense. Happy for you. The only thing I will say is that the best way to keep yourself fortified as I have helped a close friend through a similar process is to be firm and indifferent. You have sole custody so that really works to your benefit. He only has 50/50.

And really that is absolutely fantastic to hear that your son is doing well given the circumstances. I will share that I personally am very protective over kids and there is nothing more that I like seeing than when a parent parents their child well. Keep on keeping on.

Cheers and all the best to you!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
GaGrl
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« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2021, 08:40:39 AM »

I was thinking of you recently and wondering how things were progressing. I am glad that you have full custody and that your son is doing so well! It is sad, however, that your ex remains so dysfunctional that she cannot mother her son.with

Is your ex completely off your property and living independently? Are you and your son in your own place?
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Couper
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2021, 08:51:27 AM »

Amidst all the turmoil here, it is so encouraging to read the story of someone that was able to persevere and prevail.  I wish you all the best for a brighter future for you and your son. 
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kells76
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« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2021, 11:10:32 AM »

Good to hear back from you, RW! I share GaGrl's questions. Also, how old is your son now? Is he back in school?

Great to hear that your son has "graduated" from therapy for now! Hope it was a positive experience for him, so he knows it's an option in the future if he wants it.

kells76
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RestlessWanderer
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« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2021, 09:34:29 PM »

Kels & GaGrl, my son is 8, 3rd grade. In early July I asked the judge for temporary sole custody so that I could enroll him in a better school without the headache of trying to find ex to agree to the change. The public school in the city where I work is one of the best districts in the state, while the district where we live is terrible. It's an hour commute, but there are so many more opportunities in the better district, plus it makes sense since that's where I am all day. He loves the new school and now he can stay in one district the rest of his schooling years. I also have a lot of family in that city which helps should I need someone to pick up my son for any reason.

Xw thankfully abandoned the property in early June and since we didn't own the home she no longer had a right to be there. Plus, the judge approved a permanent no contact order including a provision that we can't be within 300 feet of one another.

After the judge granted me permission to enter the home I found it a total mess, including new damage and even several used and new syringes. She had laid out her belongings in piles around the entire house, topped with a note indicating who she'd like the things to go to. It was like walking through a will. She also left notes for me, some of which were written on the walls. As I'm sure you can imagine, these notes were mostly BS, blaming me for the whole situation, keeping our son from her, being cruel, and giving up on us without even trying to save the marriage.

I'd be lying if I said the state of the house, the drug paraphernalia, and the notes didn't affect me. But it didn't last long. Mostly, I just felt sad for her and her state of mind. I turned those emotions around and used them to reinforce my decision making. It was easy to see how unstable she was, especially in contrast to the peace and calm my son and I now have since we left.
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Turkish
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Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
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« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2021, 10:26:22 PM »

That's a sad/ happy story, but I'm glad that you both are safe.
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