where do you truly "forget"

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Its taken me a lot of experimentation, trial and error,

its the soccer field for me. it always has been the same.

its a whole different world for those 60 or sometimes 90 minutes

ive thought about this cr@p otherwise - in the gym, triathlons, or chilling listening to some music (depends what style)

soccer is the best therapy I found, I wonder if for each of us there might be something similar, it just needs discovered?

what helps me "off" the field, is to have came to a definitive conclusion. I love soccer more than her, and this is irrefutable. if it were untrue, id be thinking of her and disturb the game, like it happens in other scenarios.

but a football match was more importan than the (led to believe) "one".

and its not like im some young teenager with dreams of number 10 shirt of Barcelona anymore, im nearly 40 and its just a hobby where im still good enough to get picked for a 5 a side but classify it as a hobby.

like I said previously, so much for "the one", relegated beneath that. not exactly much to grieve now is it.

[Cromwell]

Its taken me a lot of experimentation, trial and error,

its the soccer field for me. it always has been the same.

its a whole different world for those 60 or sometimes 90 minutes

ive thought about this cr@p otherwise - in the gym, triathlons, or chilling listening to some music (depends what style)

soccer is the best therapy I found, I wonder if for each of us there might be something similar, it just needs discovered?

what helps me "off" the field, is to have came to a definitive conclusion. I love soccer more than her, and this is irrefutable. if it were untrue, id be thinking of her and disturb the game, like it happens in other scenarios.

but a football match was more importan than the (led to believe) "one".

and its not like im some young teenager with dreams of number 10 shirt of Barcelona anymore, im nearly 40 and its just a hobby where im still good enough to get picked for a 5 a side but classify it as a hobby.

like I said previously, so much for "the one", relegated beneath that. not exactly much to grieve now is it.

[Cromwell]

nvever mind to formulate a reply, its no issue for me to talk to myself, its one of the benefits of liking oneself.

im ok with my own company, trust me on this - its one pathway to consider as an escape mechanism.

if you can live with yourself and at the very least be content (im fortunate to be entertained but content will do) the rest is of course a bonus. at worst, screensavers.

its not a megalomaniac way of thinking, of classifitying the untermensche - they walk left right, sometimes jump, go to work for 9am etc and have very similar patterns of speech can almost be predicable.

of course its better to have more meaningful conversations within the "self". when everything else is just banal and non authentic.

like my ex, just a racemix of copycat me, copycat others and appropiate a blend for oneself.

to some extent, perhaps we all do this, but with her bpd permutation it was done to full throttle. she wanted to "become" the other.

if this concept is hard to grasp, thats normal. it took me awhile, it took me awhile, post relationship post humously to get a bit more of a guage of whats going on.

so when do you "not" think of your ex? soccer field does it for me. without an answer can only infer an inference. you think your thinking = all - the time, and in great agony as a result.

its unlikely you have to suffer this way, find your niche, it might be the key out. Soccer, i cant play it 24/7 but it does it for me. to the point I think "hm, why didnt I think of her whilst playing soccer" after the match.

who knows what mushrooms from there, in my case, I want to meet other girls, I want to explore even more hobbies. its been a narrow lonely world with the "harbinger of tepidness" , you supplied the personality.

nothing to stop you going out there and forget the past, and really gun for it and ifhavent found what does the trick the process of finding it, thats gotta be productive potentially therapeutic in and of itself.

I dont think you truly want to think of them I dont have a clue why you would hurt yourself?

[poppy2]

Hi Cromwell,

I think you've started a really good thread here. I think everybody needs that activity that is their "time out", not only from abusive relationships, but also from life stresses generally.

Unfortunately, I don't yet have such an activity. If I find one, I'll let you know! Playing soccer sounds like a very healthy one, as the body can just focus on itself.

best wishes
poppy

[Cromwell]

it took me awhile poppy, to reconnect to what already was. soccer was my thing I gave it up, I thought id gravitated to other things. eventually it reconnected and the spark was back. in those moments there is no calamity there is no ails to heal from. its a purification.

of course theres always an undercurrent, theres work to be done, but its my thing that resembles oxygen intake from being underwater too long. I know some others have also found their groove - music is a popular one im trying to let it also take me away. I wonder if you have something if not, id encourage to try, it makes a lot of difference to assert our own identity. My ex had nothing to do with soccer, for me it was important, later on its become even more so.

if enmeshment occured, it stands to reason, the process of differentiation to assert a difference, can only be a beneficial thing in detachment process.

good speed to you thanks for conversing.

best,

Crom.

[poppy2]

it took me awhile poppy, to reconnect to what already was. soccer was my thing I gave it up, I thought id gravitated to other things. eventually it reconnected and the spark was back. in those moments there is no calamity there is no ails to heal from. its a purification.

Yeah I think the fact that it also involves the body is really healthy and good. A real distraction, to "get involved" in something. I think your phrase "reconnecting to what already was" is really important, it' could also be seen as the "creative freedom" part of detachment listed in the guidelines. I would maybe connect with - poetry? but that's far too mind based, I think getting out of your mind is the key to purification, and connecting to the native goodness of the body.

if enmeshment occured, it stands to reason, the process of differentiation to assert a difference, can only be a beneficial thing in detachment process.

You put that very well! And for self-confidence, to think, "I am good at this, in fact, I'm brilliant at it, and they wouldn't have a clue". That's an important part of self-affirmation after damaging experiences, I think too... I don't know if I was enmeshed, I think I was just very confused, stressed, and unable to be myself anymore...so I am looking for those reminders of self-worth/self-activity too.

I agree with your need (it's mine too) to find differentiation now, and i'd also like to share a more general thought - I think that in healthy relationships the process of differentiation can happen in the relationship, you know? like, you gain more respect for someone, seeing how they are different to you, sharing or at least sharing a respectful distance of that, rather than enmeshment or over-involvement. And as the relationship grows this sort of intimate respect for difference also grows. Of course that isn't how my situation turned out at all    and maybe not yours either. But that wasn't my fault. Differentiation is part of my vision of how a good relationship should function (that's the ongoing "notes for the future" mental thread.)

Good luck at your next soccer game!
poppy

[poppy2]

small PS - I think for differentiation within the relationship you need: trust, intimacy, honesty, and good communication. I got ... about 3% of that from my ex during the devaluation stage. So further note for the future: leave when these things aren't present.

[Cromwell]

by differentiation I mean more towards (Veering you towards) what already exists fundamentally. that as an entity you are irreplacable and entirely unique. whatever occured afterwards, in terms of bonding and illussions and so on, its the structure built upon the bedrock, its not the essence.

thanks Poppy, its a marvel for in itself, to score some mediocre goals and the field is jaw dropped. they dont speak with words, the expression says it all "how did?, what just? that old guy?

i dont have their stamina, im double the age, but ive got my niche and comparative advantage: experience. also these 2012 generation dont like a rib check, they dont go for the difficult tackles, what happened to slide tackles? i exploit their lack of enthusiasm to make up for the lack of stamina.

i think ill give it up and grieve it in another 2 years, theres many who carry on but i dont think I will, ive given my bit back ive been given the chance to keep going on, but like everything is an expiry date, and i know it from the internal compass.

please, live each day as if were a fruit fly. its not just some sort of internet meme, or old folks saying. it is a reality ive seen for myself, we dont know each day when is the last. I want to see the northern lights, its not a big deal, but it needs to get actioned. and if tomorrow was the last, Id turn in my grave to think id spent an iota of it turning myself inside out, "stir crazy" as one of my american friends introduced me a term used there, about BPD ex. literally, life is precious, it can be short, ive awakened to it that my grieving is just not "worth it" in the big picture.

this is a claxxon warning sign (i know some of you arent ready for it) but all the same, let it go, it doesnt need to be a burden. its been 5 years for me but in my defence, ive done a huge amount of things cross-parallel. next year im doing a phd, not bad for some guy heartbroken out of nowhere in his mid 30s?

differentiation might be an obscure way of putting it, i apologise if so. we are already differentiated, what I reallyh mean is to get back into ones own skin. The relationship truly was over the day i decided to finish it, after that has been a psychic battle, very elaborate and strong but still, a battle within myself and this alone. its important now to be aware of this, as something beyond my ex - she has just been the stimulus of provoking the fault line for expressing itself as an eruption.

im a bit of an outsider, or I prefer "maverick" i havent done the therapy route but I do advocate it. nonethless, ive found my own way and these are tips I hope take on board that worked.

I am healed, I could leave this community and be fine, if someone wishes to challenge me as away of affirming my proclamations.

id just leave and not come back, the only thing that keeps me here is I love the place so much to leave it, its as simple as that. some days its nice to talk.

but do listen what ive to say, ive been around the block I know the script. poppy, thanks for your interest and to those lurking and viewing and all sorts, good luck, if you came here to scrape something that might be of help - the short answer is - revist the past before the relationship, if there is a hobby or past time, give it another go, it cant do any harm it might just do a world of good.

good luck, thanks Poppy not making this so lonely, and onward to victory I believe you will get there also.

Crom

[Couper]

Anywhere I'm in the company of mentally healthy people.  I can totally forget the nightmare that is waiting for me at home.  Recently I was away for five days at an event I go to annually.  From departure I had heard nothing from her and thought nothing of her... then on the afternoon of the 4th day she texted out of the blue about some mundane thing and from that point forward it was like she was looking over my shoulder.  Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

[poppy2]

Anywhere I'm in the company of mentally healthy people.  I can totally forget the nightmare that is waiting for me at home.  Recently I was away for five days at an event I go to annually.  From departure I had heard nothing from her and thought nothing of her... then on the afternoon of the 4th day she texted out of the blue about some mundane thing and from that point forward it was like she was looking over my shoulder.  Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

Hi Couper,

I'm sorry to hear it's like that for you. Must be very tough. I agree that the company of mentally healthy people just makes such a huge difference. Are there many of them around in your day to day? I mean, perhaps not directly at home, but at work or elsewhere?

[Couper]

Hi Couper,

I'm sorry to hear it's like that for you. Must be very tough. I agree that the company of mentally healthy people just makes such a huge difference. Are there many of them around in your day to day? I mean, perhaps not directly at home, but at work or elsewhere?

Thanks, and thank you for asking.  It is what it is, just have to deal with it.  I "work from home" but not in the home -- in a separate building on our property and typically alone.  I have my kids, people on the phone, and the occasional visitor, but I don't have a normal day like most where I report to work with 20 different people.  Every once in awhile I have a reason to make a house call, so there is some variety.

[Cromwell]

I agree with Coupar in my own experience, it has helped the healing process by spending time with healthy non toxic folk. Not only is it calming it was the process of neural readaptation. For a long time i was thinking 'wheres the argument? It was conditioned to be expected. Sometimes I'd be the one to create some sort of drama even if mild. But recognised it after. It does take some unlearning as well. Thanks.