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Author Topic: Father has died, anxious about the funeral  (Read 494 times)
Goldcrest
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« on: October 19, 2021, 09:06:24 AM »

Hey everyone. It's been a long time since I last posted but am in a crap place after my dad died on Sunday. I ended up supporting my mother at the time of his death we were at the hospital together and it was a pretty horrendous experience. Of course it's all about my mother and what she is going through. Thankfully I live far from her and am back home now but the vultures are circling and already my support forgotten and neighbours are knee deep in my fathers financial affairs. I'm in a better place in so far as I am ready to call time out if I ever get too overwhelmed but I still struggle with how I am perceived by my mothers flying monkeys. I hate that she puts me down to the neighbours and friends for not doing enough even though I had to endure the most difficult 48 hours with her as my father died.

I have refused to get involved with organising stuff, to basically stay away from any situation where I might get triangulated. I think I got a bit trauma bonded to her over my dads death because we were went through the experience together but as soon as I started to withdraw support she has started to reject me again.

I wondered if anyone had any tips for getting through the funeral. I haven't seen my brother in 14 years and he will be there, the next-door neighbour (the daughter she never had) will doubtless be orchestrating things. I just need to hold my emotions in check. I said goodbye to my dad and his response to I love you was...look after your mother for me.
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PearlsBefore
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« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2021, 11:14:04 AM »

I was given last rites at one point as an accidental poisoning far from hospitals left caretakers convinced I wouldn't last more than an hour given the severity of my seizures - and to be honest, my advice to my VERY young son included the same phrase, "take care of your mother for me...and don't let her [X]". He's been unfairly burdened by being born to a BPD mother and dancing around some of the unpleasantness that it involves.

I wouldn't hold it against your father's memory that his largest concern on his deathbed was how his BPD loved one was possibly going to fare in the world without a caretaker...he assumes you know that he loves you, but he doesn't assume that you know how important it is to him that his dying wish is that she's not feeling abandoned and killing herself six months later, etc.

That said, while your mother's relation to you, your father's wishes and your mother's illness may all mandate that you become closer and more charitable to her...I'd say you're wise to recognise the dangers of getting enmeshed in returning after 14 years to anything involving OTHER relatives. Shake their hands pleasantly through the coming days of funeral preparations, but remain detached and think of them as business colleagues or "friends of a friend", their memories or ideas about her might not align with yours...but it doesn't matter, a month from now you aren't planning to see your brother again, so let him think what he thinks. Just smile, nod, shake hands and focus on supporting your mother and supporting yourself.

Edit: Oh, and unless you're in considerable financial straits like unable to feed and clothe your own children, then just walk away from the inheritance entirely. It is essentially NEVER worth the stress and insanity - people become freaking barbarians and start plotting even years before the elderly's death...how to get it divided equally by child, or equally by how many grandchildren each child provided, or by who spent the most time with her in the last five years, or last five months, or last five minutes of her life, etc, etc. Just make it known that you'll appreciate whoever ends up dividing it giving you "some vaguely equal share they think is fair given that you didn't enter the fray thus allowing them to win" and STILL work from the assumption you'll get nothing. Your mental health is worth far more; let the vultures fight.
« Last Edit: October 19, 2021, 11:27:15 AM by PearlsBefore » Logged

Cast not your pearls before swine, lest they trample them, and turn and rend you. --- I live in libraries; if you find an academic article online that you can't access but might help you - send me a Private Message.
zachira
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« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2021, 12:01:45 PM »

My condolences on the loss of your father and the ongoing pain of having to deal with being mistreated by a mother and her flying monkeys. My mother who is deceased had BPD. My family is full of flying monkeys who are relatives and family friends. At my mother's service, I was sitting alone until some of the younger generation can to sit with me, and later invited me to hang out with them, while I was pretty much ostracized by most of the flying monkeys from my generation. Is there anybody you can ask to come with you to the service and any events honoring your father so you are not such an easy target? One of the ways I dealt with my mother with BPD was as much as possible to have people around that she wanted to look good in front of and did not want to see how she really treated close family members. I would say spend as little time as possible at the events honoring your father, and stay with a friend or in a hotel if that is possible. You clearly can't predict what things that will happen that will be the most painful and overwhelming to you. Remember that people with BPD and their flying monkeys like to use others to dump their overwhelming feelings on. The best piece of advice my therapist ever gave me was when in the presence of a disordered person to focus on how I was feeling inside. This has really helped to keep me from taking on feelings that do not belong to me, and should be owned by the persons feeling them. What boundaries do you think you need to set with your mother, your brother, and the flying monkeys that will help you with self care during this very emotional sad time? We are here to listen and support you. Post as often as you feel the need to. We get it here.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2021, 12:28:50 PM »

First, let me express condolences on the loss of your father. It's tough to watch your father die in a hospital bed, and I went through the same thing as well. I could have written almost the same post as you did, except by that time, BPD mom had been so abusive that I had to keep a distance. The Golden Child was considered the supportive one. BPD mom was angry at me for several reasons, had painted me black to my father.

I considered not attending the funeral. My mother and her family would be there. She also told them terrible things about me. One that I didn't visit my father, I tried but her behavior was so abusive, I had to limit my visits. I did call but sometimes she'd pick up the extension and my father would have to hang up. Or she'd let him talk but listened in.

Pearlsbefore- something to think about. I did ask my father what his wishes were and like you, his main concern was BPD mother's well being, and then he mentioned the GC sibling. He did not mention me. I didn't expect any inheritance, it would all go to BPD mom. However he did leave a sentimental item to the GC. Nothing for me. Maybe he did but BPD mother kept it, I don't know. I didn't expect him to be concerned about me, but the fact that he did not mention me at all has left me wondering if he meant to disown me or BPD mother did. Maybe it doesn't matter as he did what she wanted, but it mattered to me.

I am not attached to my mother, but my Daddy- I have been a Daddy's girl all the way. He was my hero, my kids adored him. I have so many memories of good times we shared. He formed wonderful relationships with my kids over the years. I was good to him and did what I could in his elder years, but I could not do one thing he wanted me to do and that was to allow my mother to emotionally and verbally abuse me, in order to keep the peace, and also allow her to have unlimited access to my kids and do the same to them. That's when I had to stop being her doormat. I thought my father would understand but he didn't. After all, if he would allow her to do this to me, why not allow her to do this to my kids.

That was it, I didn't comply with this, and as far as BPD mother is concerned, I was out. Also, there has to be a reason an adult child isn't stepping in to help as much with their parents. It can't be her fault, right? So it had to be mine, and so started the smear campaign.

The main reason I did attend the funeral was because my kids wanted to. So I went, and as suggested, smiled, said hello and kept an emotional distance.

BPD mom did fine on her own but she realized that when she disowned me, this included my kids. So eventually she re-owned me. But she continues to be verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Our recent issue is that she has wanted to move near me. I said no. So now, it's back with the smear campaign and threats to disown me again.

So, my advice, as Pearls said- unless you need it for basic needs, run, don't walk, from any inheritance. For me, if BPD mom thought I wanted something this would become a point of drama for her.

The other is for Pearl. If you are married to your pwBPD, and you have children, give them something sentimental of yours for all of them, and do it now, because you can't be sure that their BPD mother will let them know you love them once you are not able to tell them yourself. Also, when expressing your wishes, please don't obligate them to their BPD mother. The posts here reflect the struggle many of us have with wishing to do our best with a person who is abusive to us. Your kids want to know that you love them for who they are, and that they have value to you beyond being the caretaker to their mother. If possible, make arrangements for her to be able to hire assistance. That has been a great gift to us for from my father.

And to Goldcrest, you too can take care of you. Decide what your limits are. Your mother may not be able to be happy with what you do for her. I have done many nice things for my mother since my father passed away. I just haven't done everything she wants me to do and that erases it all for her. Act on your own conscience - do it if you wish, because you think it's the right thing to do, as it's not possible to know if she would appreciate or acknowledge it.

I was an emotional mess after my father died. Take care of you. I missed him so much. It's ok to feel what you feel.




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Goldcrest
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« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2021, 01:30:26 PM »

Thanks all, really helpful replies, what I needed to hear. Pearlsbefore and Notwendy I agree about the inheritance. My dad left everything to my mother, everything. They didn't even do solicitor made wills just something off the internet. My dad was wealthy and my mother never worked a day in her life. There was a lot of carrot dangling over the last 3 years as my mother has cancer and the carrots were to get me to care for her. I used to be vulnerable to the promises of financial help or inheritance but about 6 months before my dad died (and it was unexpected) I really started to get my head around letting go of getting anything from them. I saw that the money equated to love and the love was only ever meant for her. I decided I would only do for them what was bourne out of compassion and to protect my integrity.

The worst thing for me is the pain of losing my father is complex. I was not allowed to be close to him, phone calls were controlled by my mother and she would get very jealous if we talked to each other without her in the room. I idolised him as a child but he never intervened in her abuse. As children we were invisible to him. I was also caught in the "cry wolf" dynamic where often my mother would exaggerate his or her condition to get me to see them when in hospital. Often I was told that he or she was dying, then they would make a miraculous recovery. I was livid when I went to see him in hospital this last time because I was convinced I was being deceived again about how serious it was. On one rare morning while she was at Chemo and he was in hospital I spent a couple of hours with him helping to feed him peaches...I was oblivious that this would be the last contact alone with him I had and I wasted some of the time I could have been with him getting a coffee in the hospital cafe.

Zachira - thank you. I think I will just try very hard to be as inconspicuous as possible at the funeral and blame my quietness on sadness. My mother has created many drama triangles amongst her friends and kept them all separated so that she can bitch about each of them to the other. I think sparks might fly when they realise they have been manipulated and lied to.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2021, 02:49:32 PM »

Our relationships with our fathers is similar. He didn't intervene with my mother's abuse either, but yet, I idolized him. I think we do cling on to our most "normal" parent, they are the only parent who seems to show us love in an (almost) normal way. My BPD mother also controlled our relationship- listening to phone calls, reading my emails.

Dad also left a lot of money to BPD mom. The blessing in this is that she does have enough to meet her needs, but we suspect she has spent it quickly. The "carrot dangling" was not finances but some sentimental items I wanted and she knew I wanted them. I had to let go of that. My father died after a long illness and during that time, I felt as if I was being set up to be her caretaker, by my father and her family who will tell me how wonderful she is but I know they don't want to take this on. I seem to have become the family villain by not agreeing to be her enabler.

My mother also cried wolf. I spent a long time helping out and as soon as I got home she called me to tell me things were dire. I jumped back in the car and drove back, to find the home health nurse taking care of the issue. She didn't want me back for him, she wanted me back to be of service to her.

Please don't feel bad about the coffee. It's not possible to predict the end in all cases. I did get some time alone with my Dad and then BPD mom showed up with her family. The nurse told us it was soon but not imminent- maybe days, even a week. At that point, I thought he had disowned me and that it didn't matter to him if I was there or not. He wasn't able to tell me. I said goodbye. He died a while later with my mother and her preferred family there. She then called other relatives but not me. I found out when one of his relatives called me. This was deliberate on her part.

So yes I get this complex hurt. We loved them so much. Did he love me? I hope so. What helped me to understand better was to learn about co-dependency. I thought he was the "normal" parent and in many ways, he was. I thought he was a victim of BPD mom's behavior but then I realized, his need to enable matched her need to be enabled and this made a strong bond between them, even if the relationship was not easy for him. The Karpman triangle helped explain this. For him to rescue, she had to be victim and there has to be a persecutor to rescue her from. Sometimes that role was mine.

We kids were invisible too. With my mother, we were the canvas upon which she projected her feelings. So we were whatever she thought we were. And Dad was so enmeshed with Mom, and also probably overwhelmed with the responsibility of earning for the family ( she didn't work) and us that he became mostly focused on that. Still - we had our material needs met and he did spend time with us as a parent. I attribute the good in our childhoods to him.

I think it helps to do some of your own traditions or rituals aside from the funeral. I felt so out of place at my father's. But I did make a point of grieving privately. Donate something to a charity of your choice in his name, or some kind of memorial if that has meaning to you. Do something to honor his memory in your own special way.   

I don't know if you are religious or not, but in every religion there's some sort of consciousness after death. For me, it was some consolation to think that perhaps, he sees the truth now, that I did love him. I'm his daughter no matter what he thought of me. I hope it's a consolation to think your father knows you are too.
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Goldcrest
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« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2021, 11:32:03 PM »

Notwendy I am sorry for what you have been too also at the hands of your mother. It is so helpful to read your story and other stories here, so much resonates and I feel less alone.

It's all so sad isn't it. Children are innocent. I have struggled to know all my life if my father loved me as he was so emotionally absent to me and my brother but loving to my mother both physically and financially. I always felt like I was in a constant state of separation anxiety trying to get him to "see" me and to validate me. He would never call me but occasionally my mother would allow me to speak to him at the end of a conversation with her while she hovered listening. When I visited he would take ages to come down from upstairs (from his room where he would sit on the computer for hours) to see me. In the last few years of his life he would sleep through most of my visits.

I ended up always falling in love with emotionally absent men, again setting up the pain of longing. I think I knew that my dad was going to leave me (die) for a while now as his health has not been good and he was morbidly obese. I have been very angry with my husband and become more independent because unconsciously I knew once he was gone I would have to be come a full adult.

My dad used food for comfort from the stress of my mother who would alternate between idolising him and shaming/ridiculing him. My most painful memory before his death was helping to feed him peaches and seeing the delight on his face to eat after having been nil by mouth for too long in the hospital.

I can't even find a photograph that isn't free of some painful memory or even one where my dad is looking at me. I think I will set up some therapy to get through this bit. My mum booked the funeral without checking my work schedule so booked it when I am working and I'll need to find cover (i'm a wedding photographer) and the neighbour and her have decided what my dad will wear in his coffin.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #7 on: October 20, 2021, 07:27:13 AM »

I think we understand this. I also think this is your father giving in to your mother over the years- he surely walked on eggshells with her.

I think it helps to read some of the posts on the relationship board- it will give you an idea of what your parents' relationship was like, not that what he did was OK, but to know if was not about you, or even rejecting you but the dynamics between him and your mother.

Also the tools help in any relationship, not just with BPD. I too had accepted "crumbs" of affection from others. After my father died, I began work on my own co-dependent traits, learned from growing up in a home with this kind of dysfunction, and it thankfully has made a difference. Looking at my own tendencies to enable, I also was able to see these tendencies in my father.

I think he did the best he could with a tough situation, but that doesn't make it OK. I think one benefit is to see that it was not about me, it was not personal. I used to think "if only I was good enough" my parents would "see" that. I am good enough, and so are you- whether or not your father could see that.

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