Seeking sanity amidst yet another onslaught of condescension and cruelty

[Catjoy]

I’ve finally joined this group a couple years after first reading/listening to books such as stop walking on eggshells, Loving someone with bpd, and stop caretaking the pwBPD. I was about to start listening to one of those over again, and still probably will, but I remembered the mention of support sites and thought there would be something specifically and immediately soothing to my situation.

I am two years divorced from my son’s father, who has been largely abusive since I met him about 12 years ago. I fall into the cycle every few months due to loneliness and desire to protect and be there for my son, and to being caught off guard with abusive manipulation that too often includes stalking/spying, verbal/emotional abuse concerning my character and false assertions and narratives regarding intimacy with other men, and financial threats. There has been physical and sexual abuse as well, and thankfully the divorce and his therapy has stopped the physical abuse, and the sexual abuse has dwindled to him having text tantrums when I don’t have sex with him when he wants after I have fallen into the cycle. He says he wants me to look at him in a way “like I used to” (which is absolutely absurd even if he didn’t consistently damage our relationship with hurtful words and assertions).

Most recently - yesterday, after he had multiple text tantrums that were very negatively, falsely directed at my character and where he also (at least) changed his mind about showing up for parenting, I had expressed my regret that I don’t know how to be what he needs but I would be willing to share my BrainWorx (neurological rewiring program) app with him if he would like to pursue a more fulfilling life. He rejected this and said we are like kayne and kim. I said that may be accurate and I’m curious about their story. He then sent me $1000 over the phone with a note that said I hate you. I have not responded, I don’t want to reward his negative word/communication choice or encourage his ability to buy his way out of being hurtful.

Of course, the thing is that I feel bad for him because I know he is suffering and just wants to feel better but doesn’t possess the neurological pathways to cope with emotion or consider a perception where he isn’t being rejected and neglected. I usually tell him he has to stop calling me names and putting me down if he wants to improve our relationship and then I wish him well. It’s hard. My life is slowly improving and hopefully I learn something every time I step backwards so maybe next time I’ll walk around the proverbial hole rather than falling in.

[Cat Familiar]

You are divorced, but you return to the relationship for intimacy at times? How do you handle coparenting and child support?

[ForeverDad]

I'm sure many here would agree that post-marriage contact does pull our emotional strings.  Remembering some good times from a bad marriage are difficult to keep in perspective, that the relationship failed miserably.

Of course, you clearly are distressed over those times you fall for the manipulation, pressure and "less bad" times.  I'll focus on one aspect you're struggling with... inconsistent Boundaries.

Let me explain by describing what many of us have had to do after after the separation and divorce.  Even if we have to share parenting, the adult relationship — the marriage —  is over.  Often we cannot continue as friends, buddies or whatever, the chasm between past perceptions and behaviors versus facts is just too great.

Sadly, it is often self-sabotage to feel you can drift back into some sort of a relationship with the disordered ex-spouse.  Family courts don't try to fix the parents.  It deals with them as they are.  We too would do well to deal with the ex-spouses as they are.  They're messed up, bad news for us, lacking our best interests at heart and far too risky to buddy up (or let our guard down) with them even briefly.

Which brings me back to Boundaries.  Read the articles on boundaries in the Tools and Skills workshops board.  Acting-out disordered people resist boundaries.  So it's up to us to establish our own Boundaries to aid us in response to their actions and behaviors.  As an over-simplified example, we take charge of establishing boundaries... "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."

More specifically, in this instance you need to have a boundary for yourself such as, "I cannot risk getting into a relaxed relationship again with my ex because it always ends up hurting me."  Does that make sense?