Here we go again (seems like I picked another one).

[Sappho11]

To be quite honest, not everything here is fine and dandy. At least not all the time.

I've been chronicling the situationship with the Pianist in quite some detail. Well, in light of recent developments, and the more I look at the whole thing from a bird's eye perspective, it seems I may have picked another BPD.

The first couple of weeks were glorious. Typical lovebombing: constant attention, lavish gifts, unending compliments (though always only for my looks, just like my ex). I did notice he started to slip in disrespectful comments every now and again, and let's not forget his major breach of my boundaries when I told him "no" with regards to physical intimacies and he just steamrolled my wishes to take things slow. A few weeks ago I told him we had to stop, that sleeping with him was really making things complicated for me emotionally, and he pretended to be all understanding and kind -- but only to manipulate me into doing his bidding, in which he succeeded.

I've noticed that while he accepts all the love and care I give him, he's now almost completely incapable of giving anything back, no matter how small the request. -- At this point, the only time he does anything for me is when senses me pulling away; he becomes quite frantic when this happens.

He also seems to have a hard time apologising, instead saying "it wasn't my fault" (e.g. when he's half an hour late -- it's "the train's fault", not his).

His background story doesn't match up with what other people say and how they react to him.

Beneath his impressive charm, there seems to be a cold, calculating nature. Sometimes he has the same wolfish, manic gaze like my ex.

He has a history of reckless behaviour -- such as unprotected (!) sexual escapades with men and women, possibly irresponsible spending, impulsive behaviour, and who knows what else.

The other day he told me he feels everything "three times as deeply and as long as other people". He struggles with feelings of emptiness, not knowing who he is or where he is going in life, and has several unhealthy coping mechanisms to make up for it.

I've noticed that after meeting him, I tend to be completely exhausted, and more often than not, feel miserable the day after -- we're talking migraine-levels of exhaustion and sadness.

From the start, he's reminded me of my BPDex; some of the parallels were quite incredible. I thought he was the "new and improved" version, sent from Heaven, but now it appears I just fell for the lovebombing once more, and instead of sticking to my path of healing, merely transferred my unfinished feelings to him. I recognise the same toxic trauma bond, the addictive nature of our exchanges, the undercurrent of "something isn't right", feeling insignificant and not seen as a human being, etc.

This week he was in Athens, presumably to sleep with a woman he knows there (which he categorically denies); apparently she turned him down (he wrote she fell ill); I tried to console him; and he's been ghosting me ever since.

The truth is, I've cried over that guy more than once, and I've been feeling unable to pull away; guess the old neurological pathways are just too ingrained.

As with my ex, I'm still holding on to a shred of hope that it's all a complete misunderstanding, that there's an explanation for everything and so on and so forth, but the cold hard truth is staring me in the face and I don't like it.

Perhaps it's also the additional stress of moving house, the financial burden of it, and not least the a huge backlog of work I need to get to, but I have been feeling quite low lately, and I've been absolutely miserable today, including now.

Let this be a consolation to you broken hearts who are still in the midst of a breakup. I thought I had it all together after mine, but the truth is, I don't. I might not have jumped from the pan into the fire, merely into a slightly smaller pan; but it still hurts.

It's a learning process, I suppose.

[SinisterComplex]

It's a process. Just keep your head up and be kind to yourself. Also, instead of focusing on relationships or dating...to me it sounds like you have a hell of a lot more that takes precedence.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Knock out your priorities one by one and take your time.

Beyond that...instead of any kind of labeling I will just say he has his own set of issues to deal with and probably is someone to keep at a distance for your own safety from an emotional standpoint.

From a support perspective...continue to share your wins and losses. Makes no difference because you will be supported regardless. You still got a journey ahead and some lessons to learn on your own.

Do not let yourself get down though because hey S  happens. Keep your head up, tell yourself you are beautiful, you are powerful, and you are awesome! Every day. Again...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[poppy2]

Hi Sappho,

I'm sorry to read all this. I think it's normal to jump into a slightly warmer pan, I mean, each time we go around we learn things, right?

But I would suggest, if you feel miserable, and especially if you feel the past repeating, then the best thing to do is take your distance. What I mean is - maybe it's more the patterns that repeat, rather than any one person who is the same... either you or him... and it's about being aware of those patterns and protecting yourself from them. Trust your gut feeling, I feel it is less often wrong than the intelligence, and your gut feeling is telling you some pretty important things right now.

I have the impression you're a risk-taker and I think that's a good thing! But maybe this was just one risk that didn't work out?

Best wishes,
poppy

[grumpydonut]

I think the chief lesson here is: listen to Grumpydonut when he says

But, on a serious note, good that you've seen it this early! That's good progress.

[Ad Meliora]

His background story doesn't match up with what other people say and how they react to him.

So Bachelor#1 is out.  That's fine, if not dandy as well.  Yes, as Grumpy pointed out you sleuthed this out early.  The story didn't check out and you knew enough to "check it out" so this is all good.  Yes, Grumpy was right in this instance, but there may be a time when similar situations will arise and you may come out ahead.  It's going to be a trial and error process.  A learning process as you said.  You still have a couple more, and there's always Bachelor #4?   

At least you're out there and mixing and mingling.  I'm still at the pants stage, boy it's daunting.  So do you put them on one leg at a time, or just jump into them?  This is all much more complicated than I remember.

I can put off the decision for at least another day.  Tomorrow is [American] Football Sunday, where teams do battle on the grid iron (and I can remain in comfy pants).  The quarterback of my team has Covid, so he's out,  and they're up against tough competition.  He gets paid millions and millions of $ and still he wasn't smart enough to stay away from parties while being unvaccinated.  The point is this guy made a bad decision and now literally millions of fans have to live with the disappointment of his personal indiscretion.  While on the other hand, you're out some vitamins and your time spent on a lost prospect.  It could be worse.

[poppy2]

At least you're out there and mixing and mingling.  I'm still at the pants stage, boy it's daunting.  So do you put them on one leg at a time, or just jump into them?  This is all much more complicated than I remember.

 

[grumpydonut]

For goodness sake, Ad. One at a time, my friend. If you try to jump into your pants with two feet at the same time, you're going to ruin the pants and make a fool of yourself.

[SinisterComplex]

So Bachelor#1 is out.  That's fine, if not dandy as well.  Yes, as Grumpy pointed out you sleuthed this out early.  The story didn't check out and you knew enough to "check it out" so this is all good.  Yes, Grumpy was right in this instance, but there may be a time when similar situations will arise and you may come out ahead.  It's going to be a trial and error process.  A learning process as you said.  You still have a couple more, and there's always Bachelor #4?  

At least you're out there and mixing and mingling.  I'm still at the pants stage, boy it's daunting.  So do you put them on one leg at a time, or just jump into them?  This is all much more complicated than I remember.

I can put off the decision for at least another day.  Tomorrow is [American] Football Sunday, where teams do battle on the grid iron (and I can remain in comfy pants).  The quarterback of my team has Covid, so he's out,  and they're up against tough competition.  He gets paid millions and millions of $ and still he wasn't smart enough to stay away from parties while being unvaccinated.  The point is this guy made a bad decision and now literally millions of fans have to live with the disappointment of his personal indiscretion.  While on the other hand, you're out some vitamins and your time spent on a lost prospect.  It could be worse.

He said he was "Immunized" *cough* *cough*...no pun intended.  

Sundays...the holiday of the sweat pants, hoodies, and American Football. Can I get a hell yeah? :-D

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Ad Meliora]

Perhaps it's also the additional stress of moving house, the financial burden of it, and not least the a huge backlog of work I need to get to, but I have been feeling quite low lately, and I've been absolutely miserable today, including now.--Sappho

Hey Sappho,  So how's it going today?  Some of those stresses now resolved or about the same?

My team got it's "pants" beat off them on Sunday so I'm feeling low too.  Not too much as the big talk is about the QB and him taking horse dewormer to be Covid-Free. Aye.  All so ridiculous.

Tell me more about these pants, and putting them on.  I know it's jumping threads a bit but that ties in here too.  I'm thinking that maybe you're more of a dress person (skirts, etc...) so this whole talk about pants may be baffling to you.

Perhaps, unlike Grumpy, I don't want to be right on the whole r/s approach.  I am fine being proven wrong, that sitting at home and staying out of the game is not the right approach.  I hope there is success, even with weird behaviors and miscues in these early dating experiences.

I'm just doing my thing.  I'm in the extrovert category, and it's a killer for me to stay home (and literally a "killer" to leave right now, our cases here are through the roof).  My BPDex used my people skills and wanting to interact with others against me.  She knew how to "Flip that Sh*t" as comedian JB Smoove would say. I just know myself well enough that taking a pause is the right thing, even if it doesn't feel that good and is lonely most days.  I have some things to still work through yet.

But that's not the case for you, as it seems you are more than ready to get back in the game.  In 'the ole ballgame' it's three strikes and you're out.  No reason to slouch your shoulders and give up after one swing-and-a-miss there Casey.  Keep your eye on the ball, player, and watch the pitcher's cues.  When the right pitch comes your way put all your effort into it and maybe the next one you'll hit out of the park!  (Or and least an in-field triple, which is still pretty good 

And maybe this analogy isn't the best, maybe it's more like practice in the batting cages.  You just swing at any junky pitch that comes your way, and in that you find the ones that work for you.  Either way, you're up.

My ex liked to golf, I think so she could curse out in nature without many people around her.  For me, I prefer the driving range.  I get 50 chances at the perfect drive, I don't have to find the ball after I shank it, and it's a short hop over to the clubhouse for a nice refreshment (largely unwinded) if I so choose.

[grumpydonut]

Haha @Ad. What I wrote was entirely in jest!

[once removed]

It's a learning process, I suppose.

what did you learn?

[ILMBPDC]

Hi Sappho - thank you so much for continuing to share your saga!  I am proud of you for recognizing the issues quite quickly this time around, even if its awful to have to go through the BPD stuff again. One day you will be able to spot it a mile away and net get involved at all -at least that's my hope, for you AND me (and everyone here!)

[SinisterComplex]

How are you doing Sappho? Share both good and bad.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Sappho11]

It's over, and it hurts like an actual breakup. The trauma bond is strong.

It was impossible to meet him lately. He'd always cancel at the last minute with some ridiculous health concern. Communication was spotty at best. A far cry from the constant chasing, attention, flattery etc. at the beginning.

I made an attempt to distance myself last Sunday (using an excuse), but I crumbled this week, he seemed all understanding, and then he cancelled yet again for tonight. Another flimsy excuse. I called him out on it and his argumentation became more and more absurd.

Today I'm told him on the phone that this wasn't going to work for me, that I had the nagging feeling he never truly saw me as a person, that I was fed up with actions not matching up with words, and that I was going to keep my distance, not just via text, but also on social media; at least until he was able again to see another human being as such, which I wasn't going to wait for. He sounded genuinely afflicted but didn't make any effort to convince me otherwise. "Self-preservation comes first" he said sadly. "I understand. I'm really sorry." I'm not sure whether that was genuine. It doesn't matter now, anyway.

I guess I fell for the lovebombing again hook, line and sinker. I haven't been this unhappy since the relationship with my BPDex. It's the kind of profound sorrow that spoils your entire existence, which renders even thinking of something pleasant impossible. I've had a horrible week and have been crying all day.

So in an effort to remind myself of all the things I disliked about him (not least his immature posts and political opinions), I scrolled through his FB page and finally stumbled upon a picture of the mysterious ex he's still getting over. And guess what? She looks almost exactly like me. No joke. If I cut my hair short, we could be mistaken for twin sisters. I've never seen anything like it. Same features, height, stature, hair texture and colour, everything.

Well, that explains why he chased after me with such fervour in the beginning... why he never seemed to see me, as a person... why he only ever complimented me for my looks... why my interests, my talents, my strengths never mattered to him... why he only liked me when I was all fiery and determined and dismissive (apparently like her), and why he'd pull back when I was feeling tender and vulnerable and affectionate... I was just a prop for him to recreate the memories of his ex. He'd even tousle my hair to look more like hers... everything I said or did distracted him from his fantasy, everything I did naturally made me more like me and less like her, and thus he lost interest.

And yet I keep wondering whether things would be different if I hadn't slept with him, let alone so soon; if we had made friends first and got to know one another properly first... I hate myself for having given in immediately, this had never happened to me, so why did it have to happen now...? Why, of all people, with this man whom I liked so much...?

The sense of loss I feel is completely disproportionate for having known this guy for just about three months... meeting him initally gave me wings, and I always feared that a large part of my new zest for life was this infatuation... and it really was. Perhaps it's no wonder that it now feels almost as bad as the real breakup from my BPDex in January. Complete and utter darkness. Not a hint of joy in sight. I have a few things planned for next week that I should be looking forward to, but don't and don't see how I can. It's ridiculous.

I just want these terrible feelings to end. And for someone to put their arms around me and tell me that things will be all right.

In other news, my country has decided on yet another lockdown which began last Monday, so I'll have exactly zero options to meet new people for the next couple of months (government plans to uphold the regulations at least until Christmas... last year they stuck with it until May). I'm completely starved for human touch and can't even go for a massage.

I don't know how I'm going to cope.

[Ad Meliora]

And yet I keep wondering whether things would be different if I hadn't slept with him, let alone so soon; if we had made friends first and got to know one another properly first... I hate myself for having given in immediately, this had never happened to me, so why did it have to happen now...? Why, of all people, with this man whom I liked so much...?

Sorry Sappho, to hear it's been a rough week and a rough day.  

There's a lot you've posted and processed here.  I'd say to this point above that it was he who pressured you, if I remember right.  With that being the case I doubt the outcomes would've been different.  Perhaps delayed, but not different, and that may have even made the experience worse since more time would be spend in a r/s that doesn't have a future.  

Interesting about his ex. How were you going to know you were her doppelgänger?  That's not on you either, and likely explains a lot of things as you pointed out.

You still have the other potential bachelors right?  I know #1 seemed promising, but you've no eliminated him as a contender, some of that sounds a bit harsh but he likely had it coming.  It's a zinger for sure.

Today I'm told him on the phone that this wasn't going to work for me, that I had the nagging feeling he never truly saw me as a person, that I was fed up with actions not matching up with words, and that I was going to keep my distance, not just via text, but also on social media; at least until he was able again to see another human being as such, which I wasn't going to wait for. --Sappho

You're a busy woman.  You have your new flat, your work, your music lessons and that doesn't even get into what you want to do in your free time.  No need to lament about having your time wasted as you have solved that problem.

I just want these terrible feelings to end. And for someone to put their arms around me and tell me that things will be all right.--Sappho

There isn't anyone on this list who doesn't understand this implicitly.  When I think back to 15 months+ ago, I had someone to wrap her arms around me, but it was never all right with her, never.  Still it felt good at the moment, she was electric.

Well you may not have human touch but you have human contact in the members on this forum.  Island of Misfit Toys we all may be...

[poppy2]

And yet I keep wondering whether things would be different if I hadn't slept with him, let alone so soon; if we had made friends first and got to know one another properly first... I hate myself for having given in immediately, this had never happened to me, so why did it have to happen now...? Why, of all people, with this man whom I liked so much...?

The sense of loss I feel is completely disproportionate for having known this guy for just about three months... meeting him initally gave me wings, and I always feared that a large part of my new zest for life was this infatuation... and it really was. Perhaps it's no wonder that it now feels almost as bad as the real breakup from my BPDex in January. Complete and utter darkness. Not a hint of joy in sight. I have a few things planned for next week that I should be looking forward to, but don't and don't see how I can. It's ridiculous

Hey Sappho,

I'm very sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. I can understand your thoughts and feelings very well... of course, the experience gave you wings and hope, you looked forward to something different and fresh, and then you got badly let down. I'd just really like to affirm that it isn't your fault, you couldn't have known you were a stand-in for his ex (as ad Meliora says).

I want to say that because I feel these 'why' questions, which I also know so well, can really fall so hard... but his actions or lack of seeing you as a full person are on him, not on you. And for people who are accustomed to loss it can be really hard to see that no, you didn't cause this, and no, you're not responsible for it.. I see you as a very resourceful, intelligent, and determined woman who is really doing her best. I know that saying that cannot alleviate your suffering but I hope that it can at least place a small star in what must feel like an empty sky.

I just want these terrible feelings to end. And for someone to put their arms around me and tell me that things will be all right.

Do you have your favourite blanket, toy or cup of tea? have you listened to your favourite, saddest song? Is there an object, memory, or time in your life when you felt supported, upheld, or cherished? I hope you can connect to even just one of these things and then hear me say sincerely to you: you are not alone. Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be alright.I know how much it sucks

[SinisterComplex]

It's over, and it hurts like an actual breakup. The trauma bond is strong.

It was impossible to meet him lately. He'd always cancel at the last minute with some ridiculous health concern. Communication was spotty at best. A far cry from the constant chasing, attention, flattery etc. at the beginning.

I made an attempt to distance myself last Sunday (using an excuse), but I crumbled this week, he seemed all understanding, and then he cancelled yet again for tonight. Another flimsy excuse. I called him out on it and his argumentation became more and more absurd.

Today I'm told him on the phone that this wasn't going to work for me, that I had the nagging feeling he never truly saw me as a person, that I was fed up with actions not matching up with words, and that I was going to keep my distance, not just via text, but also on social media; at least until he was able again to see another human being as such, which I wasn't going to wait for. He sounded genuinely afflicted but didn't make any effort to convince me otherwise. "Self-preservation comes first" he said sadly. "I understand. I'm really sorry." I'm not sure whether that was genuine. It doesn't matter now, anyway.

I guess I fell for the lovebombing again hook, line and sinker. I haven't been this unhappy since the relationship with my BPDex. It's the kind of profound sorrow that spoils your entire existence, which renders even thinking of something pleasant impossible. I've had a horrible week and have been crying all day.

So in an effort to remind myself of all the things I disliked about him (not least his immature posts and political opinions), I scrolled through his FB page and finally stumbled upon a picture of the mysterious ex he's still getting over. And guess what? She looks almost exactly like me. No joke. If I cut my hair short, we could be mistaken for twin sisters. I've never seen anything like it. Same features, height, stature, hair texture and colour, everything.

Well, that explains why he chased after me with such fervour in the beginning... why he never seemed to see me, as a person... why he only ever complimented me for my looks... why my interests, my talents, my strengths never mattered to him... why he only liked me when I was all fiery and determined and dismissive (apparently like her), and why he'd pull back when I was feeling tender and vulnerable and affectionate... I was just a prop for him to recreate the memories of his ex. He'd even tousle my hair to look more like hers... everything I said or did distracted him from his fantasy, everything I did naturally made me more like me and less like her, and thus he lost interest.

And yet I keep wondering whether things would be different if I hadn't slept with him, let alone so soon; if we had made friends first and got to know one another properly first... I hate myself for having given in immediately, this had never happened to me, so why did it have to happen now...? Why, of all people, with this man whom I liked so much...?

The sense of loss I feel is completely disproportionate for having known this guy for just about three months... meeting him initally gave me wings, and I always feared that a large part of my new zest for life was this infatuation... and it really was. Perhaps it's no wonder that it now feels almost as bad as the real breakup from my BPDex in January. Complete and utter darkness. Not a hint of joy in sight. I have a few things planned for next week that I should be looking forward to, but don't and don't see how I can. It's ridiculous.

I just want these terrible feelings to end. And for someone to put their arms around me and tell me that things will be all right.

In other news, my country has decided on yet another lockdown which began last Monday, so I'll have exactly zero options to meet new people for the next couple of months (government plans to uphold the regulations at least until Christmas... last year they stuck with it until May). I'm completely starved for human touch and can't even go for a massage.

I don't know how I'm going to cope.

Well my darlin Sappho...you are going to be ok. I'll soften up for once... ...there a big bear hug from a hulkish man...LOL. Let it out. You are tough and resilient and you will get through it all. Believe in YOU.

You will cope by continuing to engage here. This family cares and we have your back. Take it easy and don't beat yourself up. You can't ever be faulted for wanting to be happy and wanting to be respected, loved, and cared for.

Cheers and best wishes!  

-SC-

[grumpydonut]

 

Something that will potentially take your mind off it for twenty mins. Have a look at object-relations theory. Explains the you / ex gf dynamic.

[ILMBPDC]

It's over, and it hurts like an actual breakup. The trauma bond is strong.

I'm so sorry. I know nothing I can say can change your feelings but I am still proud of you for recognizing this and ending it so quickly, compared to last time. I am of the opinion that the love bombing brings you up so high that no matter when it ends its going to hurt. There is something about the oxytocin produced during the love bombing phase that acts almost like heroin in the brain and that is not an easy drug to get off of.

The sense of loss I feel is completely disproportionate for having known this guy for just about three months... meeting him initally gave me wings, and I always feared that a large part of my new zest for life was this infatuation... and it really was. Perhaps it's no wonder that it now feels almost as bad as the real breakup from my BPDex in January. Complete and utter darkness. Not a hint of joy in sight. I have a few things planned for next week that I should be looking forward to, but don't and don't see how I can. It's ridiculous.

I absolutely understand this sentiment. I felt ridiculous, too, for having felt such pain and misery after such a short relationship, but the length of the relationship is not what matters - your feelings are absolutely valid. You are a loving, caring person and you do not deserve to have you heart and feeling toyed with, ever.

I just want these terrible feelings to end. And for someone to put their arms around me and tell me that things will be all right.

    It will be all right. You will get through this and be stronger on the other side.

[Sappho11]

Thank you all for your kind replies and words of encouragement. Sorry it has taken so long to reply. I was meaning to reply to each of you individually but I'm really at the end of my rope with regards to energy levels at the moment.

I'm exhausted and wired at the same time. Granted, the rest of my life hasn't exactly been conducive of rest and restoration lately. This simply needs to be ridden out, I suppose.

The only thing that has given me a hint of relief lately has been music. Ironically, when I broke up with my BPDex, I had this entire new album in mind, complete with a cover, tracklist and all. It doesn't fit at all with what I usually do – classical music – so I was hesitant to act upon it. The other day I wrote another song which rekindled my motivation to actually go ahead and make that bloody album. So this is how I'm trying to work through my feelings now. It doesn't take away the pain, but hopefully it ends up creating something which other people can find beautiful or even take consolation in.

I still thank my lucky stars that at least, I don't have to worry about a terrible living situation anymore, nor about a lack of money. Business is largely in order again even though I have been uncharacteristically flaky... bless the gracious people who currently have to deal with me for their seemingly endless patience and understanding. I've had horrible times in my life where I had no money, no prospects, no friends, no reason to live... this isn't one of those times.

I suppose I'm also wrestling with the fact that no, I am not okay without a romantic partner. I really need someone in my life who treats me well and who shares things with me. It's the one variable that makes the greatest difference to my happiness. I can do without a great many "important" things, even money, if only I have love from someone I love, too. But if love is lacking, the best I can do is fill my life with pebbles such as meeting friends here or there, the odd hobby, the odd interest... and at best it will be just okay, not great, just barely tolerable. Even my musical work, the only other thing I'd truly, absolutely need, is fuelled by love.

This is always glossed over when breakups happen; people give you advice on how to spend your time, but the truth is, we all have different priorities, and no, not everybody can be satisfied or "live a full life" without a partner.

It's been difficult lately, especially teaching, because I see all these happy people going back home to their wonderful and loving spouses after the lesson, while I go home to a cold, dark apartment – and have done for virtually my entire life, without any sign that this will ever change for me. Every failed situationship adds credence to my belief that domestic happiness, this mundane thing, is and will forever remain completely out of reach for me. Sorry for the self-pity, but it really feels like a curse sometimes.

[Ad Meliora]

I suppose I'm also wrestling with the fact that no, I am not okay without a romantic partner. I really need someone in my life who treats me well and who shares things with me. It's the one variable that makes the greatest difference to my happiness. I can do without a great many "important" things, even money, if only I have love from someone I love, too. But if love is lacking, the best I can do is fill my life with pebbles such as meeting friends here or there, the odd hobby, the odd interest... and at best it will be just okay, not great, just barely tolerable. Even my musical work, the only other thing I'd truly, absolutely need, is fuelled by love.

Thanks for sharing with us Sappho.  I'm in this camp too.  It's been really, really, really tough--that's the best I can come up with in words--these last 15 months on my own.  I like to write.  Mostly for myself, I feel uninspired when not in a romantic r/s and/or without a supportive partner in my life.  I've that the fortunate experience of having most of my previous relationships fall into that category.  I hitched my wagon to the wrong person in my BPDex.  A mistake, but not the end of the story.  She was exciting and inspiring but my work/efforts were lost on her.

There's a reason we read about creative artists and their "muses".  I think truly creative and romantic people benefit greatly from having that, and as you can see when things turn also suffer greatly from the loss.

So what's the answer here?  I don't know, I honestly don't have the words.  One day at a time?  Perhaps.

It's been difficult lately, especially teaching, because I see all these happy people going back home to their wonderful and loving spouses after the lesson, while I go home to a cold, dark apartment – and have done for virtually my entire life, without any sign that this will ever change for me. Every failed situationship adds credence to my belief that domestic happiness, this mundane thing, is and will forever remain completely out of reach for me. Sorry for the self-pity, but it really feels like a curse sometimes.--Sappho

I've been prone to this type of thinking too.  It drags me to a lonely place.  One perspective I can add with my years of living age 29 over 20 years :-) is that much of that is another illusion.  It looks in our eyes as desirable and ideal, but we don't know their specific situations.  They may be going home to a partner with BPD, or some other disorder.  They may be $100,000 pounds in debt and have deep money worries.  One of the partners may drink too much or philander about.  It's hard to know.  This is what I say to myself, when honestly I want to just break down from missing what I once had in past relationships.

You still have several prospects if the board is current.  I have zero, but yet I am all but certain I will find what I am seeking (again).  Is there something wrong with me?  (Don't answer that...)

I have faith and confidence in you and your abilities to attract the right person.  It may not be easy now, but perhaps it will be worth the wait.

[poppy2]

Hi Sappho,

I've read your update and I'm glad you took the energy to share, as I was wondering how you were doing.

I totally agree with Ad Meliora, and with you... I also just find it so difficult to be without that person, and desire it so deeply. Everytime I try it doesn't work out, although I try my best.

I also agree with Ad that that image of the 'happy couple' is also very skewed... relationships are so much work and people can also stay in them for the wrong reasons.

I nevertheless fantasize of getting back with my ex a lot only because then I would at least have a chance at all that. It's unhealthy thinking but it comes from that place of need and I agree, 'giving it to yourself' is important but also just not that fulfilling.

It's lonely as hell, but there's a nice community of ppl here who care

[grumpydonut]

and no, not everybody can be satisfied or "live a full life" without a partner.

That may be true, Sappho. But I'd suggest that this is what makes you vulnerable to BPD people. One thing that caught my eye further up, is that you mentioned that this short relationship was the reason you were feeling so good about life.

Again, ALL people are different. That said, my therapist has said "if you can't find happiness by yourself, you won't find it with a partner".

It sounds like you're waiting for someone else to give your life meaning and fulfilment? That sounds like a slippery slope to meeting another borderline or narc. What do you think?