How long does love bombing last the second go around? Questions at the bottom

[Dmacs134]

My ex discarded me back in March for another. Of course he claims he did not leave me for her, but the very next day after literally throwing me out of the house he’s meeting up with her and having a make out session. They have been together since, but not without troubles. In April we start to reconnect and talk again. He’s telling me how much he loves me, how she doesn’t give him enough time and attention. By May he is sleeping with his ex-wife, in June he’s visiting me, in July he’s sleeping with some girl he picked up at a bar that happened to be acquaintances with his new gf, visiting me again for a week, and having a major fight with new gf because he caught her in a lie. New gf is clueless about what he’s doing with me and all these other women. She has no idea that he even talks to me and the frequency of our conversations, let alone visiting me. In August he is really trying hard to get back together with me but he’s refusing to break up with the gf. I tell him that his behaviors are not acceptable, that he’s not going to get gf privileges when he’s treating me like a mistress. We don’t speak for a month. In September he shows up at my house unannounced to tell me that he’s officially done with me for good. He discloses that he did break up with her in August to come back to me but then I hurt him again so he went back to her after 2 weeks. Allegedly during this break up she learned that he was with me in July.  He never told me they broke up. We talk and he stays 4  days, lying to new gf on his whereabouts. He leaves me to go break up with her so we can work on us. I tell him he will have to be the one to help rebuild the trust and he gets irritated. She called and it was like a switch flipped. He hops up and says he has to go. I asked why so abruptly, why are you rushing home when you don’t love her? He got a look in his eye and said “I do love her.“ This is the first time that I ever felt he truly meant it. He leaves, telling me that he is going home to leave her and will be back to me in a few days,  but then he calls the next day and says he’s “choosing her.” He thought about it and he can’t bear the thought to hurt her again, saying things like I am not the “safe or secure” option and why would he leave somebody that is simply “nice“ to him while he’s healing and “seemingly perfect” to go back to somebody who keeps abandoning him and hurting him intentionally. I am not “right for him right now.”

In a nice email I tell new gf that he’s playing us both and sent her the irrefutable proof of all the lies & cheating that he’s been doing behind her back since April, to include the acquaintance and the four days that he just spend with me. she doesn’t reply. In fact she blocks me everywhere on social media even though we weren’t friends and my page is on lockdown. Two weeks later I learned that that they are in love again and he’s buying her gifts, one that says some thing like “I want to be your last in everything.” They seem so happy and in love. And I’m left feeling like I got dumped all over again

My questions are:
1. how long does the love bombing last the second go around?
2. What is the average time, in peoples opinion, that this relationship will last?
3. Now that I am fully out of the picture, does a upwBPD consider this a new relationship even though it’s with the same person? Does their “relationship clock“ restart over?
4. I noticed he was on social media friend requesting scantily clad women. Is this part of devaluation or is he just being a guy?

I’m lost, sad, hurt, and confused, looking to make sense out of this mess.

[Sappho11]

Hi Dmacs, I'm sorry you're going through such a trying time. It's a truism, but why choose what isn't choosing you? You're better than that.

The love bombing never lasts long, that's the very nature of it. I can only speak for myself, but in my experience, as soon as he feels he's "got" you, the ugly monster will come out again. Usually that's a matter of days or weeks, not months.

Nobody knows how long their relationship will last, but it's safe to assume it won't be a happy one. Don't be fooled by posts on social media, they mean nothing. It's easy to put on a jolly, perfect front even when things are at their worst.

My ex was with his ex before me for eight years. YEARS. I later learnt it only "worked out" between them for so long because she tolerated everything, asked for nothing, was his literal punching bag emotionally and physically, and was completely subservient to him. Until the very day he left her for me and beyond. She was completely trauma-bonded and begged him to stay – she even suggested he try being together with me while still being formally committed to her. Poor woman. (I'm happy to report she eventually regained her sense of self after a few months away from him, and now lives her own life, wanting nothing to do with him.)

I submitted to him, too, but never quite as much, and we lasted for eight months (two discards included). It all fell apart for good when I decided to set the most minor of boundaries.

Did we look happy to the outside? Definitely. We did make a handsome couple, going purely by visuals.

Were we completely miserable? He was okay sometimes, and I was fricking sorrowful most days. Actually, almost the entire time. Except for, maybe, the 3% of the time when he'd lovebomb me. But 97% of the time were absolute hell.

And perhaps I'm being conservative, but a guy making friends on social media with scantily clad women... that doesn't sound like the behaviour of a man in love to me. It sounds like an immature boy and/or a disordered person securing future supply.

Be glad that you're out of this whole mess. Now's the time to heal. It might seem impossible now, but trust me that in three months' time, having escaped will seem like a huge blessing. There are people who marry pwBPD and have children with them and are tied with a ball and chain for life. This isn't you, nor is it me. We are the lucky ones. As incredible as it sounds now, there will come a day when you will not only see this, too – but feel it, too.  

[Dmacs134]

Thank you for responding. Your words are definitely comforting and helpful. I keep trying to remind myself that I wasn’t his choice and I don’t ever wanna be with somebody who doesn’t want me, but then I’ll spiral thinking “how does she get to be with him and I don’t?” Part of me is convinced he’s changed and the man he should’ve been with me.

 I think it helps to know that someone else has been in a similar situation, so thank you. Funny enough, his ex-wife said the same exact thing that your ex’s ex said. She begged him not to leave her and said that it’s ok for him to run wild as long as he comes home to her every night. She said she won’t ask questions. He left her and came straight to me. We dated for 4 months but kept the connection for 6 months post breakup so, 10 in total. But keep in mind, he was with new girlfriend for those 6 months that we kept our connection. We too fell apart as soon as I start holding to the boundaries I set. I like how you picked up on his emotional immaturity. I’ve never met a man that acts more like a 14-year-old boy when it comes to dating and relationships…down to some of the things he says and his logic.

Can I ask you, what did your friends think of him? One of her good friends has learned he’s cheated on her with me and I can’t imagine she would be supportive of her continuing to date him.

[Dad50]

“how does she get to be with him and I don’t?” Part of me is convinced he’s changed and the man he should’ve been with me."


This is the exact sentiment that has me in the pity party. I think it is actually a progression. Just sad and bitter that they couldn't treat us like the new partner, and if they treated us like the new partner we would still be together, and of course the "what is wrong with me?" negative self talk. But really it helps us focus on how bad they really were to us.

Maybe they are treating the new person better. Like in my case, she found someone who has no one else and nothing substantial in their life to take their attention away from her. So maybe it will work. I guess it doesn't matter.

Much like you all, I was on the other end of the philandering. My ex even offered that, while she was in a new, epically fantastic relationship, if I promised not to date anyone new and stay loyal to her she would have as much se with me as I needed to keep me loyal to her. That is even how she worded it. Staying loyal to her. While she was planning a future with someone else.

[Sappho11]

Thank you for responding. Your words are definitely comforting and helpful. I keep trying to remind myself that I wasn’t his choice and I don’t ever wanna be with somebody who doesn’t want me, but then I’ll spiral thinking “how does she get to be with him and I don’t?” Part of me is convinced he’s changed and the man he should’ve been with me.

 I think it helps to know that someone else has been in a similar situation, so thank you. Funny enough, his ex-wife said the same exact thing that your ex’s ex said. She begged him not to leave her and said that it’s ok for him to run wild as long as he comes home to her every night. She said she won’t ask questions. He left her and came straight to me. We dated for 4 months but kept the connection for 6 months post breakup so, 10 in total. But keep in mind, he was with new girlfriend for those 6 months that we kept our connection. We too fell apart as soon as I start holding to the boundaries I set. I like how you picked up on his emotional immaturity. I’ve never met a man that acts more like a 14-year-old boy when it comes to dating and relationships…down to some of the things he says and his logic.

I imagine you'll find great consolation in many of the threads here. It's uncanny how all of these disordered people seem to run on exactly the same script, no matter the age, cultural, economic or religious background. Really goes to show that you're dealing with the empty shell of a personality disorder, not an actual person (which they pretended to be).

Can I ask you, what did your friends think of him? One of her good friends has learned he’s cheated on her with me and I can’t imagine she would be supportive of her continuing to date him.

My friends thought my ex was a complete loser, even while we were together. Those that got to know him, at least. Those that didn't know him personally thought he was super-handsome and we were a picturesque couple. But naturally, that means very little.

I actually had to hide quite a few things from my friends, such as my ex's confession that he had visited a prostitute while he was still together with his ex-girlfriend... I was afraid that they'd think less of me, knowing I still stayed by his side after his loong list of moral and ethical transgressions, coupled with the fact that he had never achieved anything in his life, despite having been born with the best possible hand of cards, biographically speaking.

What did I learn? Listening to friends is generally worth it. Most will mean well.

[Dmacs134]

@Dad50- the pity party has been the worst for me. I think that is the perfect phrase too. I know I'm a good, kind person. I know I'm a catch. Yet he has somehow made me feel less than. He's told me how new gf is always happy, never gets mad, always smiling, people just love to be around her, her skin is better than mine and she's 3 years older than me, etc. The sad thing is, prior to him, I was always smiling, happy, and all that stuff too, and I know based on pictures that her skin isn't any better or worse than mine. She's pretty with makeup on, but without...woah Nelly! LOL! For me, I've had tons of male and female friends throughout the years tell me I'm beautiful without makeup. He LOVED that I didn't always wear makeup but when I did, he always reacted with a "WOW! You are hot!" This tangent is to say, I've never been one to compare myself to another woman. I believe beauty is in the eye of the beholder and people are beautiful in their own way, yet now he has me comparing myself to someone that I know intellectually is not better or worse than me. We're two different people. The negative self talk actually sent me to the dermatologist to look into botox and how to better my skin! This isn't who I am. Fortunately, I didn't go through with the botox procedure.

My gut is saying he's treating the new person better and the new person is finally at peace knowing I'm out of the picture. She's well aware of all the cheating he did the first 5 months of their relationship and has still chosen to stay. I'm convinced he spun it as I was the problem. He couldn't get over me thus he acted out but now that he's done with me, he can be this stand-up man with her. Of course, I don't know what was really said, this is just what's made up in my head.
@Sappho11- It is uncanny how the people on this forum, the Quora and Reddit BPD/NPD forums all have the same stories, just change out the characters. And its crazy how all of us that are impacted by them feel and think the same. We are all searching for answers as to wtf just happened, wondering if they change with the new person, trying to figure out if they really loved us, feeling that there is good somewhere deep within these people, etc. I really hope some Psychiatrist or other medical professionals are studying all these internet forums. Maybe they can find a way to help us that suffer at the hands of these disordered people. It should make for a great research paper at the very least.