Hi all,
@Meuthen, I'm glad you found my post funny
I would say that I'd actually dealt the collateral damage pretty well, and got myself to a good place... only then to sacrifice it to not one, but two pwBPD relationships, the second of which finally landed me here. Obviously, I hadn't done as much processing as I thought. More below on where I'd like to start
@Wools thanks for the welcome! I've had a look at the survival guide, maybe reading it more closely will help inspire a first post. I am sort of working through the past by examining my relationships, really... what they have shown me is that once love and abuse/control become mixed up, I just can't tell them apart anymore, and become sort of defenceless.
Two more thoughts - I think I am responsible for working to 'fix' everything, I know this rationally isn't the case but I still nevertheless developed the resources/abilities to 'fix' (I don't really like this word... I prefer over-taking responsibility) situations that harm me or that aren't solvable by me. That's a common caretaking behaviour and the book of that name was really helpful to explain that to me. (I know you mention this Notwendy, but since I found meaning in that behaviour for a long time, it will be hard to give it up).
Connected to this, is a feeling of betrayal, anger or wrongness if somebody else doesn't really care for me or shows they don't live by the same standards. It's funny, as these two behaviors are really like two sides of the same coin, and that's what I like about the caretaking concept.. it's sort of makes it possible to tease out the different effects of unhealthy thinking. Of course, it's normal to feel angry if somebody betrays you
I mean, my projection is that they *should* care when in fact, they don't or can't. In that sense, on reflection of my relationships I would say that I also want a 'caretaker'. I would have rationalized this before as part of healthy intimacy and interdependency, and I think I am ready for that, but my choice of parters tells a different story.
I'm just sharing these observations as a way of introducing myself, I'm sure it's a really long process to grow past them emotionally and 'explaining' is the least step (I've read so many books now).
I inherited a lot of 'wrongness', 'guilt', or 'need to prove' from my emotionally absent mother. Fortunately, I had a good, stable father, but unfortunately he then became really sick and burnt out (im sure from having to deal with his demanding job and being a kind of sole parent).
@Notwendy
It sounds to me like you're very far down the journey of forgiveness? at least, that's the impression I have from your informed post. I can very well imagine how hard the mixed messages of love/abuse were and am basically in the same boat myself. However, I've never been able to forgive my mother, partly I think because I've never stopped resenting her. It's not her fault if she was abused as a child, but I also felt it was her fault for never facing up to this and doing something about it. I don't really trust her, to be frank, at all.
The reason I want to connect with/learn from others, though, is because in a way the past will always repeat until we finally accept it. That's hard work. My last relarionship and the honesty, courage, and commitment of the people of these boards makes me want to try though.
