Newest crisis - so much pain...

[zachira]

Methuen,
You are describing what is so frustrating about dealing with many highly dysfunctional people: They surround themselves with people who will enable their dysfunction. For example, my sister with NPD surrounds herself with other narcissists, people who are easily taken in by her charm, and flying monkeys who will help her with her smear campaigns and dirty deads. Dealing with the army of enablers can be so overwhelming and frustrating because you can't really influence the people your mother so carefully manipulates so she does not have to go to assisted living. 

[Couscous]

I believe her friends don’t know how to say no to her, because they are kind people.  Who can say no to an 85 yr old weak waif? Some of her friends have been friends with her for decades.  They are too good (as people) to bail on her now.

If she didn’t get all this help, she could not survive living independently.

What I am curious about is what you think would happen if you stopped helping and started saying no?

[Methuen]

What I am curious about is what you think would happen if you stopped helping and started saying no?

Two things:  
1) she has to ask her friends to do more, and/or
she asks for help from old forgotten acquaintances
2) the waif gets even waifier, before the witch appears

[Methuen]

you can't really influence the people your mother so carefully manipulates so she does not have to go to assisted living.  

Exactly.  These are kind, caring, helpful people.  She only cultivates friendships with these kind of people.  She can’t stand strong women who have confidence and opinions.  She likes the nurturing quiet helpful types.  I have learned which one to be around her.

Last week, out of the blue, she texted me “I only have caring people in my life”.  No other  comment.  I suspect the Queen was saying that to have such good people in her life, she must be a good deserving person.  Who knows.

Around the time she was transitioning from staying with us to getting home care,  she said “I have nobody”.

It changes as quickly as her mood.

H and I try to manage how much we do, and leave her to her friends/enablers to do the rest.  She says things like “______(friend) and I agree that we would rather die (or commit suicide) before we go to a home.  Who knows if it’s true, but I leave her plenty for her friends to do.

[Couscous]

She says things like “______(friend) and I agree that we would rather die (or commit suicide) before we go to a home.  Who knows if it’s true, but I leave her plenty for her friends to do.

Ah, I see, so she’s using emotional blackmail in order to to have her way, and it sounds like part of you fears that it may be more than just an empty threat. It does sound like there is a whole lot of FOG  (fear, obligation and guilt) going on here.

[Notwendy]

My mother does this too- surrounds herself with people who enable her. She also does this with her hired helpers- only keeps someone if they comply with her. If they set any limits or boundaries she decides she doesn't continue with them.

Several people have recommended assisted living but she finds some way to refuse it. Even if it would benefit her, her need to be in control makes this not a good fit. She will not cooperate with regulations. She's the boss.

Waif is the hardest for me. She says " I wish the grandchildren would visit". I understand this but it's not a priority for them. When I visit, the first thing she does is enlist me as a servant. I don't mind helping her. I would do helpful things regardless but when I visit, she is the Queen and I am a lowly serf, only there to do her bidding. I must not ask questions. I must simply obey. It's emotionally abusive. What she wants is for my kids to attend to her. We just can't visit and sit and have a meal. There's the requests to do things for her. It's not that we wouldn't do it- but it's not the thing she needs done that she wants. She wants the "doing things for her". My kids would be helpful too. None of us want to say no to her or disappoint her.

[zachira]

Methuen,
It sounds like this is all about setting boundaries about how much you will do for your mother which you are doing while trying hard to limit how much your mother's mistreatment of you and others bothers you. I was terribly upset by how my mother took advantage of so many kind caring people. After she died, I wrote all the ones I knew about thank you notes and invited them to the events honoring her life. I so wished I could have been less emotionally upset by how my mother mistreated me and others until the day she died. I think it is normal that the more time we spend with an abusive parent, the more upset our nervous system gets which is telling us we are not safe. It is like the fire alarm gets louder and louder the more the blaze spreads and the longer it lasts. I am feeling so much better now that my first legal battle with my sister is over. I realize I had limited abilities to calm my nervous system while my sister had some real control over my long term wellbeing. I keep hoping that soon your mother will be forced into some kind of permanent long term care, and you will only visit  when you choose to do so, and be able to leave as soon as you need to. When I visited my mother when she was temporarily in a rehab center, I came infrequently and left quickly when mom became abusive.