its an unfortunate given, i think, that our loved ones, generally speaking, do not always have the emotional faculties to be the emotional rock in our relationship.
my dad died, coming up on four years ago. dont worry; i dont mean to compete with your loss here, but to put it in perspective.
i didnt set out to measure peoples responses, but there were so many people, including my very best friend, that either disappointed me, or full on hurt me. it taught me a lot. at the time, i was determined that id never overlook another person suffering over someones death. ive since done so, many times.
human beings are a case study failure at meeting each others needs, as much as we might want to.
likewise, these relationships are not, necessarily, fair or equal, in terms of, well, fair and equal in general, but also in terms of needs met.
one important thing is to have a strong support system in place. have people that you can lean on. i dont mean go and find an emotional affair. i mean have a very close friend or two, or join a grief support system, that sort of thing.
that wont make it go away when your loved one makes your loss or hardship about her. it will help meet your needs, all of which you cant fulfill in any relationship, and it will help keep you grounded.
So I'm going to avoid her until she apologizes to me
this wont help you, it wont help your relationship. its an understandable reaction, and its also a high conflict strategy.
one of the things that i did when i lost my dad was just state, up front, what i needed from people in terms of support. the primary thing i needed, personally, was company. i didnt need or want to talk, necessarily. i needed some normalcy, some things to look forward to, some people to be around, to know that people cared. if people asked me what they could do, i told them just that. if they wanted to bring food, or whatever, i accepted it graciously; everyone has their way of reaching out and i appreciated any effort. but if asked, i spoke honestly. most people stepped up. some didnt.
the best way to get your needs met is to clearly communicate them. avoiding someone, or acting in a way in order to get them met, is the least likely way to get them met.