bpdM's cruel response to my email changing wedding plans

[GaGrl]

Families are social systems, and families with a pwBPD develop a system that (unhealthily) allows everyone to function.

When one person in the system decides no longer to participate in the behaviors that have adapted to the pwBPD, the system is disrupted. Multiple members in the family now have to act and respond in a way that is uncomfortable and different. They may want to get the family system back to what it was before, as quickly as possible.

You are seeing this play out with your dad, brother, and sister. Their reactions aren't your "fault." They are responsible for their own emotions and behavior.

 I admire your courage. I know this is so difficult.

[wmm]

I'm a bit calmer today. I saw a car at the back of my house yesterday and I got really nervous and pulled up at another house until they left. It turned out to be the parents of a neighbour. My mom emailed yesterday half apologizing for the night before. She told me she was drunk, which wasn't a good excuse. She said that I still said horrible things to her. I'm reluctant to get the police involved because my brother still lives there and he had to break up an argument between my parents yesterday. He would be the one dealing with her if the police got involved. I also don't want my sister to hate me. Should I tell my mom I need time and not to contact me or come to my place until I am ready or should I just ignore her for now?

[Notwendy]

Personally, I don't tolerate verbal abuse and I have actually walked away from my BPD mother when she starts that. You have just started setting boundaries with her. The initial response is to escalate the behavior that has worked so far for her. Families have a sort of balance ( even if it is dysfunctional) and when one person changes, other family members attempt to enlist the person back into their role, as it upsets the balance.

A warning is that changing your role can possibly result in being expelled from the family system. I experienced this when I set boundaries, but it was important to me to do that. My children had gotten older and BPD mom had started to enlist them as her emotional caretakers. I did not want this.

She turned several family members to "her side". I didn't go NC with her as she is elderly. It didn't feel right to me. But I keep an emotional distance from her circle.

As to if to ask for time to not speak to her. You can ask this. She may not go along with it and might escalate further but you need to base your decision on YOU. Not what she might do and hold your boundary regardless.

I am dealing with this now. After an episode of "mean ness" from her, I don't want to speak to her- not because of her but that I don't want to get into a conversation with her right now. So then, she sends me the "I love you" text. She doesn't ever say that and I didn't answer because it felt strange to get this and I don't want to reply to that. But it does feel strange to ignore her messages because, it goes against the rules I grew up with which is to comply with her.

[yamada]

she wants a fight..dont give her one..She is calling your names in order to distract from her behaviour.. It is not her wedding... Her paying for it gives her the right in her head to do what she wants..Take up her threat.. as real.. And say "well that's sad you wont come...but this is what we are doing and I don't want you to pay for it.. BPD use emotional black mail and obligation for power..

[Flossy]

wmm

Why don't people answer the question that you asked!

I will. Okay, if it will make you feel elevated and hyper-alert to not say anything (ignore her)...then tell her There is to be no contact of any kind before...(you put in a date).

This will give you some headspace for your nerves and adrenal gland to settle.

That is all you write. No explanation, nothing more. But, you are not allowed to respond if she tries to contact you. If you do, this negates what you say. This would give her reason to believe she can still manipulate you.

If she turns up, lock the door and turn the lights off. It doesnt matter if she knows you are home. You are standing by what you say. She will eventually get used to the boundaries you set. You re not allowed to feel guilty about being less than perfectly honest. You do whatever it takes to make your stated boundary stick. You have set a date for contact...you stick to it.

When the date is over...the next day...You write something very simple , about yourself, not her, such as "I have had the break I need. Love ..." That's it.

Basically, you have to learn to go against your loving nature. This human will destroy you if you do not learn to do this and you can do it. It will take practise and it wont mean you are a bad person or an a##hole. It will make you stronger against the worst kind of human being, a mother who puts herself before her child. You can do it. Practise, practise, practise.

On the days you have to recuperate you have to do lots of looking after yourself. Your favourite foods, your favourite shows, early shower, comfy Jamies, a glass of wine. No pondering about her or your sister.  OK?

[Turkish]

I sorry I late to this thread but between her "Dearest Firstborn Child" email and this:

Hi (insert my name),

By now, you will have read my email about the wedding. What you sent us was disgusting and insulting. Please don't contact me anymore in the future until you have done some serious psychological therapy, both you and (fiance's name).

Did you respond, or was that just her responding to what she later changed her view towards you as an imagined insult?

[Notwendy]

I think people did answer with two choices- email her back to not contact her or to ignore it. Both are choices- depending on one's comfort level with either.


Basically, you have to learn to go against your loving nature.

This is an important statement. It does feel against our nature to have a firm boundary with, or ignore a parent. So how do we approach this while remaining true to who we are?

By reframing what actions are loving. Loving is not the same as appeasing and pleasing, or enabling.

One example is a small child wants cookies before dinner. The loving act is to say no because you want them to eat healthy food. Saying no might result in the child having a tantrum. They aren't happy in the moment. It would make them happy in the moment if you gave in and let them eat cookies, but to love them, and want what is best for them requires you say no.

Allowing our parents to be abusive is enabling them to be abusive. This isn't an act of love to enable someone to behave badly. This teaches them to be abusive- because they can be abusive and get what they want. Loving someone can require a boundary. They may not like it,  but it's more loving to not tolerate abusive behavior.

One aspect of "our loving nature" is that we weren't taught to include ourselves in that love. It's not loving to you to tolerate abuse. It is self love to not tolerate it.

[Methuen]

I just have to comment on the beautifully articulated previous post  from NotWendy.  This message, I believe, is at the crux of it, not just for Wmm, but for all of us who have a pwBPD in our lives.  It’s  easy to loose sight of, whilst in the eye of the storm,  but so important it’s  the kind of thing we could print off and stick on the wall as a daily reminder..   

Without boundaries, there is tyranny.  Within boundaries, love and respect can be nurtured, if other conditions are also right.  With the pwBPD, other  conditions aren’t exactly right, so nurturing true love and respect might not be possible, making the need for boundaries so much more important to avoid the bullying, abuse, tyranny.  By having and respecting our own boundaries, we are practicing self love.  I think that to experience a deeper love for others, we have to also be able to love and respect ourselves. 

NotWendy’s example of setting a boundary for a child touched me.  We all know children need to be taught things, and be allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.  Our BPD parents have the emotional skin of a child but in an adult body.

It feels “off” (horrible) to have to set a boundary with a parent.  But it’s still the right thing  to do, as long as we do it with kindness, and not in a fit of rage.  The parent will respond as the child does ( with a tantrum but also with intent to hurt and manipulate ) to bring about the result they want. It is indeed hard to go against our loving  nature. 

The only way a child learns not to have a tantrum if they want a candy or a toy in the store, is if the tantrum never brings them the result they want. 

Notwendy, your point about reframing what actions are loving, is heard. 

[wmm]

I haven't responded to my mom at all. I have chosen to have no contact for now while she calms down and to keep myself have space.

I got into an argument with my younger sister yesterday because she defended my mom to my dad even though she only knew my mom's side of the story. She already got upset with me for telling my mom via email instead of in person. The day after I emailed my mom my parents for in a big fight and my brother intervened. My sister was upset that my brother had to deal with it. My parents had already been fighting before I told my mom I was cancelling the wedding. I told my sister I wasn't her mother or my brother's mother and that she should talk to my parents about fighting if she was upset about it. Yesterday after I called her out for getting involved and defending my mom I told her that she was enmeshed with my mom and she got upset and said she wasn't going to talk to me. She said that at least she knew she had problems. I asked her what she meant but she just said she didn't want to talk to me. I'm more upset with her because she's not mentally ill. I don't know what to do about it. I'm sure she's talking badly about me to my mom.

[zachira]

You have changed your wedding plans and now are trying to figure out how to deal with the reactions of family members. In a healthy family, the members respond by sharing their feelings while taking into consideration how what they do will affect others instead of reacting which is literally responding with volatile hurtful emotions with no empathy for the recipient of the convoluted messages they are trying to send. It is important to let everyone involved take responsibility for their own feelings and not allow yourself to be the dumping grounds for their dysregulated emotions. Provide no or little information about how you are feeling to the people you know really don't care about your feelings.

[Notwendy]

Thanks for the kind words. I am glad they are helpful.

I will reiterate Zachira's comments. Entire family dynamics can be dysfunctional even if other family members are not mentally ill. The dysfunctional dynamics serve to keep a sort of balance in a family, with each person doing their part. When one person in the family doesn't go along with their expected role, all the family members might feel an unbalance and try to get the person back into their role. Sometimes they might expel the family member.

One example if disordered dynamics is the Karpman triangle. Your mother has taken victim perspective ( that seems to be a default role for someone with BPD from my observations. You can see the potential triangles. ( there are several in my family too).

Your parents have an argument. Your mother is victim, father the persecutor, sister steps in as rescuer.

You cancel the wedding ( persecutor), mother is victim, sister steps in as rescuer.

Here is the problem when you share your feelings and wish for understanding. You then potentially are the one who has been slighted or hurt. That means your mother can't be victim here. She has to be victim. Victim isn't responsible for anything they may have done. One doesn't blame the victim. So you can't have understanding because if so, then victim can't be victim.

If I share any hurt feelings with my mother, she gets especially mean because it's expecting understanding from the victim.

Your sister seems to tend towards rescuer for mom, not you.

Best to avoid the triangles.

[wmm]

My sister said she needed space from all family members and I gave her space. She then reached out and apologized for unfollowing me on Instagram (I didn't even realize it until her apology). I wasn't upset with her for doing that. I did tell her that I had felt upset because it seemed like she took my mom's side without even talking to me. I told her that I respected her need for space and gave it to her until she reached out to me again. She messaged me on Instagram with a funny video, which I responded to, but she still hasn't requested to follow me and I'm not going to push it.

I talked to my older sister and her mom (she's a half-sister) over the weekend and told them about everything that had happened. It felt good to have a family member to talk to and have them empathize with me. My old sister has been on the receiving end of my mom's cruelty. They suggest that my partner and I get married without my family and just have two witnesses (it's required by law to have two witnesses where I live). She suggested that I don't tell my family until after I'm already married to avoid the drama beforehand. I liked this suggestion and had thought about it before as an option. The problem is that I'm worried most of my family will be mad at me if I do this. What I've learned though, is that I need to do what's best for myself and my partner, not what's best for others. I bought a pretty and simple white dress and my partner will wear a dress shirt and dress pants because he doesn't own a suit and can't afford one right now. If we have my mother at the ceremony she could end up having a fit over nothing and I would feel nervous the whole time. Should I tell my family beforehand or afterwards?

I still haven't talked to my mother. She hasn't emailed me in a while. I've enjoyed the quiet and calm. My dad said that she is still manic and that her doctor has upped her medication again. To be honest, I don't want to talk to my mother. Even if we patch things up, at some point she will freak out at me again, just like she always does. The problem is that this will make it hard for me to stay in touch with most of my family. At the moment I'm willing to make this sacrifice. The peace of mind that I've had not having to talk to my mom lately has been really helpful. I still have her blocked on my phone (she doesn't know this). What do you think I should do?

[zachira]

So wonderful that you do have a sister and other family you can talk to. I think you are trying to sort out what you wish you could do and the things you are going to have to do to avoid the worst of being targeted by your mother with her anger about not being in control of your wedding.