Burned out, uBPD husband wants to divorce

[Secret Lily]

I was numb and finally left for a hotel room. Alone crying. Can't believe after so many years of giving, endurance and the hell I've been through this is where I end up. uBPD husband is now splitting on me and gaslighting. He has brought up divorce so many times. This time I am beat. Even though I kept seeing hope and kept my belief for all this time. But it is a very lonely place to be.I don't know what more is to come. What more I have to deal with. How much strength I actually have.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

what happened Secret Lily? what led up to this?

[Secret Lily]

A lot of things, it's always one thing after another. Triggers change, most of the time it's his reactivity to the stressors of the environment and mood swings. Sometimes it's me not able to control my emotions when I feel resentment, or when I am mad about something he said or did. I have learned about BPD for a while now. And I am no stranger to dealing with mental health issues, but it's wearing me down. We did have a stable period, but there is always an issue that comes up which are hard for me to bear or accept. I try to use the tools that I have learned, and to remain calm. Refusing to go to the extremes with him. I guess what I am trying to figure out it if he means it this time, the divorce, he said it was the last straw. What triggered him this time is me trying to discuss something that he did not want to. And me expressing my hurt. It was actually not a fight, but he got triggered and lashed out at me hours later. That's when he started to split dan distort all the memories. Blaming everything on me. "I give him stress, I need to go, he has given up on having a marriage/relationship."

[Secret Lily]

This time he said I have only given him stress ever since we got married. Which is of course not true. The good and happy things, my good qualities are being overlooked every single time when he is in that state.

This is the first time I actually left to stay by myself. Because I never wanted to prolong the splitting phase by triggering the abandonment issues even more. That's why this time when I left I also left a note. He hasn't contacted me, my therapist advises me to send him a message, an olive branch so to speak. I am not sure if that will help?

[Cat Familiar]

You’ve probably come across the term *splitting*. Here’s an overview from this article:  https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-splitting-425210#:~:text=Splitting%20is%20a%20term%20used%20in%20psychiatry%20to,person%20or%20event%20are%20neither%20weighed%20nor%20cohesive.

Splitting is a term used in psychiatry to describe the inability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Some might say that a person who splits sees the world in terms of black or white—all or nothing. It's a distorted way of thinking in which the positive or negative attributes of a person or event are neither weighed nor cohesive.

You are absolutely right that he is overlooking all your good qualities when he is in that state.

It won’t help to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) when he’s like that.

At some point he will likely reset, and often when this happens the talk about divorce will be completely *forgotten*  Of course, you won’t forget. 

[Secret Lily]

Yes, hence the resentment at times. So many hurtful things said and gaslighting, projecting. But I have been better at letting go now. Indeed he has been talking about divorce so many times now. He is aware of that, because during this splitting phase, he did say that he wanted to divorce so many times now and I was the one not willing to..he wants to draw up plans (in the middle of the night...), when I said I am not able to that any time soon, he left it at telling me to give him "my plans" asap.

[Tuxedo Cat]

Secret Lily, I just want to tell you that you are not alone. The splitting you describe is almost identical to what I’ve been experiencing.  For me, his lovely words to me were “You make me want to kill myself”.  I share your struggles with resentment.  I hope you know you don’t need to draw up any plans to submit.

[Secret Lily]

I am so grateful to have found this platform, it is really helpful. Thanks for all the support I have received. I am sorry to hear about your situation Tuxedo Cat, I can only hope things will gradually improve for us and for our spouses! I am not planning on submitting any kind of plans, thank you for the kind reminder.

[NotAHero]

Secret Lilly

 I’m sorry you are going through this. I struggle with resentment as well and like you I don’t know if there is a way to completely let it go.

 When splitting they can act like monsters. The only evidence that it’s a mental illness and not a character is how quickly they forget and switch back as if nothing happened. That’s the only clue that it’s not real. Problem is, they typically escalate the behavior. It seems like it eventually becomes unbearable hence their failed relationships. My uBPD has escalated her behavior over the last 2 years that I now know that the only way to let go of current and future resentment is to let her go altogether. However, each BPD is different, if he doesn’t escalate and resets each time then there is a chance. Just make sure you don’t get mystified. Don’t take it personally but do take note of the level of harm and track any escalation. That might give you a clue where it’s heading.

[Secret Lily]

Thank you NotAHero for your useful insight! I'm sorry to know you are going through the process too. On one hand I am so happy to have found this forum, on the other hand I am saddened to see how many of us there are, dealing with the effects of BPD.

I do see that he does reset each time (ranges from hrs to days to 2 weeks) and he has been improving, although little by little, and he is more aware of his actions now. My attempts at setting boundaries... I can start to see its effects. These are the reasons why I still see hope. But in times like these, another unforeseen episode/trigger and divorce threat, just makes me really wonder if the improvements are too slow to catch up with life. That while even there is improvement, my husband still gives up altogether. 

A little update, I followed the therapist's suggestion and sent him a message which he ignored. I expected that, since from experience I know I will be stonewalled until he resets. Even though I knew this, it still hurt me when he actually ignored my message, never reached out to me, not caring where I was etc. Oh well..I will get over it.

[MontanaDude]

I can empathize Secret Lily. I'm going through this right now with my wife of 20 years and it's incredibly hard and frustrating. Don't forget we have to take care of ourselves in the process, and understand our own personal limits. I still haven't reached mine but I think I'm close. Best of luck and prayers.

[Secret Lily]

I appreciate the support MontanaDude! 20 years wow, hats off to your inner strength! I moved back from the hotel 1 night early, because I noticed the longer I was staying away the longer the splitting phase is going to last. He has covered all the pictures of us in the house and took off his wedding ring. Not the first time doing so though. Social media did not change. Still insisting on divorcing, because that is the "resolution" for him, me gone = him stress free. But I try to not let it get to me and just ride this splitting phase out. No idea how long it's going to last this time. We have couple's therapy session planned for this Saturday, I so want to be able to continue that one, but maybe that won't be possible. Definitely like you suggested, I am cutting myself some slack, dealing with these turbulent emotions is really draining on the body and mind. Prayers to you too!

[Secret Lily]

Having a less calm day, feeling more anxious and emotional. I have a feeling this time around might be different kind of splitting. But I think I have felt this way once or twice before so I don't know. Just posting it here trying to gain some support! Thanks.

[NotAHero]

 Sorry you are still going through this.

  From my experience BP behavior is a lot like a slot machine. You can never know what’s going to last or where it’s going. My advice is focus on yourself and try to isolate yourself emotionally as much as you can.  You can’t control where this is going. It’s not your fault and there is nothing you can do to change the outcome. Remember, how they act when splitting is never about you, it’s always about them.

 I wouldn’t sit there and worry if it’s splitting or a BP discard. Instead, try your best to prepare for both probabilities. In my case  after a few rounds of similar behavior to what you are experiencing I went ahead and started rearranging my life without the BP, slowly but surely. That way if she comes back I’m ok with better boundaries ( since there is less leverage for her to control me) and if she discards me for the next flavor I’m fine too.

 I know that sounds radical but look at how much pain and anxiety you are experiencing. Do you think that betting your life on the choices of a mentally ill person is a good idea ?

[Secret Lily]

You are correct NotAHero, that it is not a good idea at all. I guess this time around there is something that he has picked up again from pre-marriage, the usage of edibles. And he knows I am against that. Which worries me things are declining. And I feel more helpless, unsteady, because I am not originally from here and I moved to this country for him, we also moved around quite a bit in the last couple of years.

[NotAHero]

  I see that you have an additional concern because rearranging your life without him in a foreign country is very challenging. However, if you don’t have kids it is still possible, hard but possible.  Look into starting your own financial self support if that is an issue. As for emotional support these boards are a start but you will eventually find more in the community. If the splitting turns into a discard moving back can be an option too. I don’t know much about the details of your situation but be aware that it is easy to have unrealistic hope when the alternative is hard.  With BP there is no guarantees that the worst won’t happen. I know that is probably not what you want to hear right now but I offer my opinion out of genuine empathy for someone dealing with a somewhat similar situation to mine.

[Secret Lily]

  I see that you have an additional concern because rearranging your life without him in a foreign country is very challenging. However, if you don’t have kids it is still possible, hard but possible.  Look into starting your own financial self support if that is an issue. As for emotional support these boards are a start but you will eventually find more in the community. If the splitting turns into a discard moving back can be an option too. I don’t know much about the details of your situation but be aware that it is easy to have unrealistic hope when the alternative is hard.  With BP there is no guarantees that the worst won’t happen. I know that is probably not what you want to hear right now but I offer my opinion out of genuine empathy for someone dealing with a somewhat similar situation to mine.

Not at all! It is the reality and I appreciate you for pointing that out to me. Luckily I don't have to worry about the financials. If things have reached a certain point, and I can't get him to commit to therapy, I will definitely make the choice to move back. I hope that things will take a turn for the better, for both of us!

[Secret Lily]

Update, he is starting to come out the splitting phase now, things haven't returned to our usual normal yet, and this time the warming up goes much slower. Which could be an indication of how big of a trigger it was? Will just wait and see what he is going to do, now I feel I need to think of the how's to therapy, to stability etc.

[CParent]

I'm glad that things seem to be getting a bit better, Secret Lily. I can only imagine how stressful this all is especially since you're in a foreign country. I hope you have a strong support system to help you through this all.

And I agree with NotAHero, it's not about you, it really has nothing to do with you. If one thing didn't set him off, something else likely would have. For years I blamed myself, even though my therapist told me he was emotionally abusing me. When I finally learned of the probable diagnosis, I started to feel free. It really wasn't all my fault! Every once in a while I still get annoyed, thinking "I'm a great wife! How is it he can barely stand being in my presence? I've even fixed everything he complained about!" But it's not about us. All we can really do is try to be a person we can be proud of.

So, I hope you're taking good care of yourself and being kind to yourself. Good luck with the therapy and on the road ahead.

[once removed]

I guess what I am trying to figure out it if he means it this time, the divorce, he said it was the last straw. What triggered him this time is me trying to discuss something that he did not want to. And me expressing my hurt. It was actually not a fight, but he got triggered and lashed out at me hours later. That's when he started to split dan distort all the memories. Blaming everything on me. "I give him stress, I need to go, he has given up on having a marriage/relationship."
...
This time he said I have only given him stress ever since we got married. Which is of course not true. The good and happy things, my good qualities are being overlooked every single time when he is in that state.

is it possible that the two of you are experiencing the relationship very differently?

he blames everything on you. you say it isnt true. you blame things on him. he says they arent true.

this is, ultimately, the nature of unresolvable conflict.

unresolvable conflict happens when two people keep going at each other, not really hearing the other person. what they hear only reinforces the position theyve taken. as a result, neither person feels unheard, so they keep going at each other, trying harder to be heard.

does that feel right, in terms of what youre experiencing?

[Secret Lily]

is it possible that the two of you are experiencing the relationship very differently?

he blames everything on you. you say it isnt true. you blame things on him. he says they arent true.

this is, ultimately, the nature of unresolvable conflict.

unresolvable conflict happens when two people keep going at each other, not really hearing the other person. what they hear only reinforces the position theyve taken. as a result, neither person feels unheard, so they keep going at each other, trying harder to be heard.

does that feel right, in terms of what youre experiencing?

I feel what I am experiencing is as if I am in two different relationships. One is happy, loving, understanding etc. The other is when he is triggered everything is being viewed as negative. And only negative. Simultaneously with the lashing out. I do feel how we both experience our marriage is really different. Because I am the one with the "better memory", whereas he tends to forget a lot of things, or I would often be surprised by his changing opinions about one same thing. For example, a fun day out somewhere, depending on which day he recalls the experience, he could describe it as good, fun, bad, annoying or horrible. Which for me was hard to cope. Because sometimes he would say something hurtful about a memory of ours. So when he is in that state I have the feeling he presents things differently as how they have happened, but because I learned not to JADE, so I have been better at letting that part go. Short of wearing a body cam, it really was no use trying to argue about what was said, what happened.

So you are right how this causes unsolvable conflict, but recently I have noticed how my husband has been more and more aware of his actions during his splitting phase now. To me that is a good sign. He actually admitted it to me this time coming out of the dysregulation. Before he would either forget or pretend nothing has happened. So I am hopeful that this will bring about some change. Together with therapy sessions. I do long for some stability.

[Secret Lily]

I'm glad that things seem to be getting a bit better, Secret Lily. I can only imagine how stressful this all is especially since you're in a foreign country. I hope you have a strong support system to help you through this all.

And I agree with NotAHero, it's not about you, it really has nothing to do with you. If one thing didn't set him off, something else likely would have. For years I blamed myself, even though my therapist told me he was emotionally abusing me. When I finally learned of the probable diagnosis, I started to feel free. It really wasn't all my fault! Every once in a while I still get annoyed, thinking "I'm a great wife! How is it he can barely stand being in my presence? I've even fixed everything he complained about!" But it's not about us. All we can really do is try to be a person we can be proud of.

So, I hope you're taking good care of yourself and being kind to yourself. Good luck with the therapy and on the road ahead.

Thank you so much CParent! I can totally relate, sometimes I would say to myself: I am a good wife and a good person, how come he doesn't see that? And my confidence level in myself went down for a while. I was such a confident person before all this. But now I am improving on not taking certain things personally. You are right, it's not about us! I will take care and I hope things will improve for you too