How to approach drug use with a BPD

[rmkatiemom]

Hi, this is my first post.

My DD18 is in a PHP now IOP and BPD is a new diagnosis to us.  We had years of being told she was anxiety and OCD and medicated for that.

Two suicide attempts later and now 18, her new diag is borderline (genetic...my sister, my dad who was originally diagnosed bipolar and many in his family).

So she says she uses pot to calm down her anxiety to calm the thoughts in her head.  However, the usage increased and caused more anxiety and psychosis.  She knows this but still struggles with a lot of anxiety as they add in med after med at the IOP.  She is working on not smoking and last drug screen was clean.

She did say at our second family therapy meeting yesterday that she wants to be able to smoke socially only.  When I asked how to approach this so we decrease the tension and conflict, I got the you  have to let her do what she is going to do response from the family therapist.  My personal therapist says to set house rules and drug screenings are ok.  The family therapist says sure but i question why you want to do the screenings.  Well, the screenings were initially my dd's idea she came up with her other therapist to help her get off pot a year ago but recently we found out she was smoking and tricking the drug tests. 

So  I felt my concerns weren't answered on how to handle the conflict and tension that builds about it right now.  If you say "why are you so worried about pot use" see above comment about how she will get to the point that she falls apart mentally and seeks our help. Her first suicide attempt was after she was a pot, alcohol and mushroom bender that had no idea was going on.  Her PHP said pot is not a good option for her and she is on a ton of meds now. 

Advice on how to handle asking about pot use and drug testings and setting boundaries at home?  Yes, she is 18 now but she is back at home because she was smoking at college and couldn't handle her life in the dorm there, so that's 20k down the drain.  Do we have resentment and frustration?  You bet.  Do we want to help?  Of course.  We swoop in and do what we can to help and get her help but it feels like she gets to make the rules at home according to the new family therapist.

Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Welcome to the group, rmkatiemom -- glad you added us to your support system.

That's gotta be frustrating to feel like you can't exactly "team up" with her therapists to say "no drugs in the house". Ugh.

Does your daughter accept her BPD diagnosis?

Is she still on your insurance?

And do you have any other kids (especially younger) at home?

Glad your personal therapist has your back on this. My gut feeling is that this is solvable (or at minimum, a "least worst" option is out there), it's just so hard when you're in the middle of that process.

The person in my life with (likely) BPD is my husband's ex, not a child, so I'll leave some room here for parents of BPD kids to chime in.

Hang in there,

kells76