Should I stay or Should I go

[Tired22]

Hello this is my first post and I desperately need some guidance. I have been with my husband for over 20 years. I recently discovered he has untreated bpd. I have read up on the condition and now everything makes sense to me. All the raging, fear of abandonment, splitting, cruelness, anger issues. I feel relief but at the same time I don't know what to do. He is stonewalling me currently but the last time we spoke he told me I don't love him(not true) and that it's over and I should move out. (We are divorced but reconciled so I have no right to the house we are currently in). So I don't know if I should try to save our relationship with the knowledge of knowing he has bpd or just leave. We have children. I am just so tired I don't want to spend the rest of my life on this emotional rollercoaster. I didn't tell him i suspect he has bpd i know that wouldn't go over well but I did suggest therapy and he flat out refused and said if that is the only way to save the relationship then it is over but I know he doesn't want me to go and is pushing me away . Sorry for the rant and any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

welcome Tired22,

I am so glad you took the brave step of joining us here and making your first post.  I know that is tough to do.

You've found a community that understands.  We get it.   We all know exactly how it feels to be raged at during an episode of emotional dysregulation.  we get how exhausting it is to live with the harmfully intense emotions that change rapidly.   we've all experienced it and been where you are now.

Can I ask how you discovered BPD?   and how long you have had this information?

BPD is a complex illness.    BPD exists on a spectrum.   some people may have mild traits and not reach the stage of being diagnosed.    some people are seriously impaired.    and the symptoms can wax and wane depending on individual stress.

If you decided to try to save the relationship, do you have any early thoughts on how go about that?    The recommendations you will likely receive here is to enter therapy yourself, to receive the support of a trained and competent professional.   and to come here and post regularly, to become a member of this community as we work to support each other.

it will likely take some time to make a decision about what is best for you.   posting will help !    it did for me.

'ducks

[Tired22]

Thanks for reaching out ducks. I had run into bpd by accident when I was searching for mental illnesses. I always knew something was off with my husband. I just never knew what. When I read the symptoms I just knew this is what we have been dealing with all these years. I've read 3 books over the last few weeks since I just discovered the illness. I love him but I am just emotionally exhausted. I'm on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. My therapist left but I see a new one tomorrow so I am hoping she can help me navigate my current situation. I just lost someone who i loved dearly she was like a mother to me and his lack of compassion and empathy is disconcerting. Now I understand why he has been acting out but I just don't know if I can forgive all his transgressions since she got sick and passed(there's a lot). Thanks again

-Tired22

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Tired22, 

I'd like to join babyducks in sending you a warm welcome. I'm so thankful that you found this site and jumped right in. You need all the support you can get, and you'll find this to be a very caring community.

You've been married a long time, and you've invested yourself in the relationship. I'm glad you didn't get hooked in by his comment that you don't love him. That's an attempt to define you and how you think and feel. Only you get to define yourself and your feelings, no one else has the privilege of doing that.

Let us know how things go with the new T. It's wonderful that you're in T.  The decision as to stay or go is a process that you will need to work through with the help of your T, and I can tell how tired you are emotionally. If you need to step away for some quiet time, like a weekend away so you have time to think, I'd definitely encourage that. Sometimes the loudness around us doesn't allow us to hear our own thoughts.

Take care,
 
Wools

[babyducks]

My condolences on your loss Tired22.  I'm very sorry.   


You mentioned transgressions?    pwBPD (people with BPD) or people who are organized at the borderline level usually have a high level of neediness and attentions seeking behaviors.   it is as if they truly believe that there is a limited amount of affection, care, attention to go around and they fight to obtain every scrap they can.

that's not to excuse his behaviors.   when we are hurting, and we have the person we are supposed to trust add abuse or harshness to a difficult situation it does wear us out.    there is no safe haven for us to go and grieve and rest.   

my then partner now Ex decided to leave me as my mother lay dying.    I think some of it was she couldn't bear that my attention was consumed in other places, and she couldn't cope with me being genuinely and significantly sad for a decent period of time.

'ducks