need to share,sorry long post.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I had 26 years abuse from a sister-in-law with BPD (aided  by my brother). Eventually I said "no more". Another 25 years passed and HER daughter (my neice) made contact.  In innocence (ignorance or whatever!) I reunited.
I listened with care and understanding as this girl listed the litany of HER afflictions. A few things didn't "add up"-but then everyone makes mistakes, forgets things etc,so no real alarm bells.
I have now coped the same treatment form this neice. From HER texting me AT LEAST daily, ringing, bombarding me with photos of every minute thing  in her life, from stating that "you are my mother now"(she has wiped her mother & brothers) a bombshell.She has told me I am infringing on her life, her relationship with her partner.If I say I miss her (we live in different states), I am controlling, emotionally manipulating & I ammaking her gulity for living where she does.She claims I am projecting so many things onto her,(I am NOT), that I dont respect her, I am self pitying when she is going through SO MUCH MORE, I am toxic.
Of course it all came "bam" from nowhere.Just an abusive text (which I might add was worded in a very formal, correct, manner so as to make her sound very logical, and emotionally well balanced), telling me all these things & saying she wants no more contact with me as I am so toxic, ...everything over.
Ok, I have read up about BPD...I feel as if I could write a thesis on it now! Ok, I accept she "can't help it", but I find it difficult that people say"oh she'll come around, get over it, shes probably stressed, shes had a bad couple of years" etc...all the excuses under the sun for her bad behaviour.  As a resultof these comments from others,  I'm beginning to feel everyone blames me & she is totally excused.
Yes (in time,as I am still grieving, hurt) I believe I can forgive? But really how can anyone say her behaviour is emotionally healthy? How can it be right to allow this to happen to me again? Why does the responsibilty for her behaviour become MINE,which is what people seem to suggest by saying,"oh she'll come round, tiptoe gently, just be there for her", she'll come back, just love her.
I WAS there for her, I did love her & made lots of excuses and was smoothing over how she interpreted things,  and this is the result. I'm devastated & feeling that everyone pardons her, thinks its well, "just a reaction". (mind you I don't believe she WILL try and reconnect),but my emotions at this point are causing me to feel that IT IS all my fault, that somehow I am some bad, toxic kind of person.
Sorry for the rambling! I just need to talk with others who have experienced these things.
Thanks

[pennymoo]

I had 26 years abuse from a sister-in-law with BPD (aided  by my brother). Eventually I said "no more". Another 25 years passed and HER daughter (my neice) made contact.  In innocence (ignorance or whatever!) I reunited.
I listened with care and understanding as this girl listed the litany of HER afflictions. A few things didn't "add up"-but then everyone makes mistakes, forgets things etc,so no real alarm bells.
I have now coped the same treatment form this neice. From HER texting me AT LEAST daily, ringing, bombarding me with photos of every minute thing  in her life, from stating that "you are my mother now"(she has wiped her mother & brothers) a bombshell.She has told me I am infringing on her life, her relationship with her partner.If I say I miss her (we live in different states), I am controlling, emotionally manipulating & I ammaking her gulity for living where she does.She claims I am projecting so many things onto her,(I am NOT), that I dont respect her, I am self pitying when she is going through SO MUCH MORE, I am toxic.
Of course it all came "bam" from nowhere.Just an abusive text (which I might add was worded in a very formal, correct, manner so as to make her sound very logical, and emotionally well balanced), telling me all these things & saying she wants no more contact with me as I am so toxic, ...everything over.
Ok, I have read up about BPD...I feel as if I could write a thesis on it now! Ok, I accept she "can't help it", but I find it difficult that people say"oh she'll come around, get over it, shes probably stressed, shes had a bad couple of years" etc...all the excuses under the sun for her bad behaviour.  As a resultof these comments from others,  I'm beginning to feel everyone blames me & she is totally excused.
Yes (in time,as I am still grieving, hurt) I believe I can forgive? But really how can anyone say her behaviour is emotionally healthy? How can it be right to allow this to happen to me again? Why does the responsibilty for her behaviour become MINE,which is what people seem to suggest by saying,"oh she'll come round, tiptoe gently, just be there for her", she'll come back, just love her.
I WAS there for her, I did love her & made lots of excuses and was smoothing over how she interpreted things,  and this is the result. I'm devastated & feeling that everyone pardons her, thinks its well, "just a reaction". (mind you I don't believe she WILL try and reconnect),but my emotions at this point are causing me to feel that IT IS all my fault, that somehow I am some bad, toxic kind of person.
Sorry for the rambling! I just need to talk with others who have experienced these things.
Thanks

[wantmorepeace]

The fact that she can't help it is not the same as you being responsible for her feelings and behavior.  You are not!  You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.  She will go on her roller coaster and as you are only human you will of course have feelings about being attacked.  But know that this is not your doing.  And take care of yourself.

[Couscous]

I totally hear you. What’s so hard to fathom is how the non-disorded family members always seem to act as codependent agents of the disordered ones and leap to their defense. And it’s because the entire family system is sick, not just the individual who acts out the most. You may want to research family systems theory. Sadly, this is why very often the only solution is to opt-out of the family completely. Something very unnatural and painful to have to do.

This video did a good job explaining why they excuse the disordered person: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Tp0jBS0uTS8

[pennymoo]

Thanks for the support & replies.