Where to begin? Need advice my current situation and beyond.

[Bara]

First post. I could go into a lot of background if that helps, but I feel my story is probably similar to most others. Happy to give extra context if necessary but here’s the TLDR.

Married to a potential UBP for the last five years, dating for 7+. Two-year-old boy, home owners. I work from home full-time, SO is stay at home mom with aspirations. Have read “walking on eggshells“ twice and I’m also working on
“The Essential family guide” now.

My current issue is that I have been “gray walling” for some time while I’ve been trying to figure this all out. She wants me to talk to her but I don’t know what to say at this point. It’s so clear that all of this is out of her control and it will be impossible to use logic to get her to see this. I’m not even sure what to say, and I need some help. I have been in touch with my support group in terms of my therapist my family and friends and feel confident that I am on the road to happiness by not worrying about pleasing my SO. But now I don’t know what to do about the situation at home. While I wish she would get the help she needs so that we can stay together because I love our family and it’s potential, I am prepared to leave if that is what’s necessary because I can’t allow this to happen to my son.

I want to stop being avoidant and deal with the situation but it’s so complex I don’t even know where to start. I have stopped the bleeding (I’m not taking it personal anymore and not trying to change it) Now what?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bugwaterguy]

Walking On Eggshells (check out the Workbook too) is great, along with the family guide.

Another great book that helped me is "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Manning

One key concept - that is counterintuitive - is validation.  BPDs are created by innate emotional sensitivity, combined with invalidation.

Even if she blames you, or says something that doesn't make sense - validate her feelings.  Try to go beyond just repeating back what she says - and explain why she might feel this way. 

Validation is NOT agreement. Don't validate things that are untrue.

Validate the pain and hopelessness, then counteract it by generating hopeful statements.

For example, if she says, "You are ruining my life"  you could say,  "I can see why you would feel that way, things seem very difficult for you right now.  It seems like you have been struggling for a while.  It is natural to be stressed out with everything going on, both in your personal life, and with a pandemic and everything else going on in the world."  Then respond with hope, "I have seen you work through tough times like this before, even when it is really difficult."

[Firsttimefather]

Hi, sorry for what you are going through. I was only in my relationship for a year. 7+? I am curious, you mention you hope your SO gets the help she needs. You mention your therapists. Did your partner not take part in therapy? Hang in there. I think my relationship is over, at least I don’t see me going another round, however I sympathize with you and validate that you are not alone. Even though my situation is as it is, I do occasionally fantasize a future with her from time to time in which we have the conversation needed to make agreements to try and work on it. My partner called the police on me with a fake DV call. Nothing happened, they came, I told them she was BPD they were super great and I volunteered to walk away, 3 weeks ago haven’t gone back home. There was LC a few days ago. Anyway, had this ever happened to you in 7 years? I hope I don’t dredge up painful memories for you at this time. Once again, hang in there and I wish you beyond all the best.

[Bara]

Thanks for the replies so far... didn't realize how much relief I would get with just getting a response.

Validation is proving very difficult with the way she phrases things to me. Could use some help as it takes me a while to formulate a response. I am getting better at not getting triggered myself or reacting too quickly. But again, the language used makes this very difficult. She tends to put me in a no win defensive position.

"I saw you flirting with that girl. I am so sad and upset, I wish you would treat me like that. Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Again, her comments tend to paint me in a corner and take a position which will be lose/lose.


My partner has been in and out of therapy since she was a kid. This is a comfortable place for her as she is an "expert" in mental health. We have seen 3 different couples therapists, none of which have worked out. To my knowledge none of these therapists (hers or ours) have training in individuals with BP.

Police have been called 3 times in our relationship. All within the last 6 months or so. I called on her the first time because I was genuinely overwhelmed and didn't know what else to do. That was at a time prior to my awareness of BP when I was totally lost, isolated, and confused. That was my rock bottom when I decided I needed to make a change, even if it would be hard.
The other two times were her calling them on me (and my mom) in the same day. I was attempting to leave the house because she was totally unhinged and she called the police as I was "trying to take the only vehicle she had which put our sleeping son in danger". Obviously the police talked to us for 5 min and knew what was going on and were very nice and understanding. She has never addressed this to me directly in form of apology or acknowledgement.

I think overall that is the weirdest part. There is so much backlog of unacceptable behavior that has never been resolved I don't even know where to begin. Or if it would even matter, as it probably will never be resolved.

[bugwaterguy]

"I saw you flirting with that girl. I am so sad and upset, I wish you would treat me like that. Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Again, her comments tend to paint me in a corner and take a position which will be lose/lose.

It is very difficult to respond to accusations in the heat of the moment - I have found this to be helpful to self-regulate my emotions:
1. Pause.
2. Pay attention to my emotions (what are you feeling?, don't try to change it, just be aware)
3. Pay attention to my physical sensation (is your blood pressure up?, do you feel knots in your stomach?)
4. Pay attention to your body posture and language (crossed arms or legs, eye contact, hunched)
5. Half-smile. (not a smirk or a full smile - because that could be seen as invalidating - the kind of smile you give yourself when you are feeling sad and want to show care, but not that you are glad about a situation)
6. Validate and cheerlead yourself. (in your head - tell yourself you are doing the best you can do right now)

Then respond.  Here is what might be a good response.  "I can understand that you would be upset if you thought I was treating another girl better than I was treating you.  That would feel horrible.  I like treating you in ways that would make you feel good.  What things did you see me doing that you would like me to do for you?"

(this is easier when not in the heat of the moment)

[Firsttimefather]

Your response, wow! I’ve read it a handful of times now and it provides me a window of what it would be like if I returned. I feel I was just seeing the tip of the iceberg do to speak. I could picture myself in your shoes as you describe your situation. I don’t see me going back though I’m pretty sure she shows back up. We are only within week 4 after the split and going 4 days NC. Hard as I still feel I love that person despite the stuff she put me through. Your reply also helped me to recall all these little things I forgot, like what day to day life had actually become. I started picturing me in the future as a very unhappy person constantly reminding myself ‘but I love her’. I wish you all the best and hope you work through it to some sort of peace. My thoughts are with you and thank you.