How do I find the strength and tools to stay with my partner?
I could really use some help as I have no one to talk to. I feel so alone in this situation. This forum is my last hope. My girlfriend's BPD is getting worse. She has made 2 suicide attempts in the last month and threatened a few more. Her response to stressful situations now is to put herself in danger. This is either by not eating (she has an eating disorder) or getting drunk and then wandering off into the city by herself. I always end up following her. She becomes abusive with me when she gets too overwhelmed, saying incredibly horrible things to me. She also says she doesn't care about me or that she enjoys hurting me. She recently threatened to tell the police that I hit her, or to post horrible things about me on social media.
Even with all this I deeply love her and she loves me. When she "comes down" from these episodes she is always extremely guilty and sorry, to the point of balling her eyes out. She tells me she would never actually do the things she threatens to do, and that she didnt mean them. I can see she is suffering massively and that she just can't handle her emotions. Her mother's cancer has recently come back and she had placed her life on hold for our relationship while we waited for her visa to come in (we were long distance for 2 of the 3 years of our relationship and we are trying to bring her to my country, I am currently visiting her in her country now). I can see that all of this is just a
PLEASE READed up defense mechanism but it still hurts so much. When she isn't suffering an episode we have wonderful moments together. I love so many aspects of her personality, and she makes me so happy.
I just feel like I am dating two people. There is like this incredibly sweet and beautiful part of her and then this other monstrous version. She has started therapy (although she has tried it before). She got diagnosed formally with bpd about 3 weeks ago but we have thought she had it for a long time. Even though I understand her condition I don't know how to respond when she has an episode. Please, can anyone here help me? I feel like I am dissolving inside.
Hi White Orchid,
Welcome... you've come to a really great place. There is lots of wisdom here and it's a really hopeful place. No judgement. Everybody learns from everybody else.
When I read what you write, I hear that you feel like you are losing yourself episode by episode. And that is a really important moment of self awareness. Why, because much of what you will need to learn to adapt may come across as counter intuitive.
Like - the best way to engage someone in an episode may be to disengage. (Don't read too much into that for the moment, because I don't know all the context) That being said, I am hearing some pretty abusive behavior on her part, and I would implore you to stay safe and protect yourself.
As for the rest - I would encourage you to scope out the site and see what resonates. Some of your questions may emerge in a way that you may intuit some of the answers. Also, have you heard of the book "Stop Walking Eggshells"?
Finally, just out of curiosity, how long have you been together? Do you have children in the mix somewhere?
Any other details about the relationship that might give some context?
Write back when you feel up to it.
In the meantime, hang in there.
Rev
