Are BPD relationships worth it?

[Phoenix910]

I know at face value the answer is no. But I do want to know with intentionality of seeing it through do you feel like things get better and the fight is worth it?

I know it takes a lot of effort and patience. But I’m very discouraged right now. My boyfriend is what I believe an undiagnosed pwBPD. So I am at the beginning stages of it all with an accumulation of stress and the weight on my shoulders. Since last night I’ve been coming to the conclusion to be released from this relationship. He got emotionally a few days ago and said nice things to me (first time in a long time even though we’ve only been together for 3 months) and expressed how he’s scared to lose me.

I’m conflicted, he took Monday off from work because we got into an argument and I’m fearful that he may go into a dark hole. It feels like a lose lose situation. Ideally I’d want to work through it but I don’t think I can trust him or his emotions. He’s barely talking to me now but trying to fake the front (telling me good morning and how he hopes I have a great day). It’s a lot. Idk how I got into this situation. I want to be my normal self again.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Couscous]

If you don’t want kids and wish to devote the remainder of your life attempting to meet the unmet childhood needs of your boyfriend, (which is impossible, btw) then by all means go for it.

The best thing you can possibly do for yourself is to start examining your own childhood and family of origin in order to understand why you were, like a moth drawn to a flame, attracted you to him in the first place.  Only then will you be able to avoid finding yourself in this exact same position with your next boyfriend.

[yeethedonut]

Hey, I totally feel your pain. If the relationship is only 3 months old and you are already feeling like you want out, it's a good sign that it might be the best course of action. I understand that it's scary because you are a kind, empathetic person in that you don't want to have this person fall into a depression, but what is important to recognize in any relationship, particularly one in which there is a pw BPD is that you are not the cause for their emotions. If you choose to leave, the despair that he may or may not feel is not your responsibility, nor your cross to bear. Especially keep this in mind if he attempts to blame you for causing his emotions-- you are not the source. The source is something inside him that you, nor anyone else, can fix or put a band-aid on because the only person who can do that is himself.

Here is a bit of advice, from my own experience with a boyfriend who has untreated BPD-- this is a critical point in your relationship right now and you need to be decisive. Being with someone who has BPD, especially untreated, is a massive commitment and you will have to give up more resources (time, energy, emotional stability) to keep it over a relationship with someone who does not have BPD. If you choose to stay, you must accept that there is a fair possibility it will result in great heartbreak for you if your loved one cannot or chooses not to get help. You will be on a constant emotional rollercoaster often with extreme highs where you feel everything couldn't be more perfect, and crushing lows that have you questioning your own sanity. I'm not saying this to scare you, but it is the reality of BPD-- they are often hurting constantly, and at a depth that people who do not have the condition can rarely understand.

If the main reason for you staying is for his sake, please do not stay. This is true for any relationship, but especially a BPD one-- the relationships can be far too damaging and by the time you make up your mind however many months or years down the line that it isn't a good enough reason, the damage to yourself will be far more than it already has been. People with BPD deserve love and respect just as much as anyone else, but it is important to realize that being with someone with untreated BPD has many heartbreaks in store for you. It isn't worth it to stay out of a desire to appease him; you have to be ready to commit and sacrifice a great deal for this person, and if you aren't ready to do that it can be disastrous.

[NotAHero]

 Can’t tell you what to do only you can make that decision.

 We can tell you with almost absolute certainty things will not get better.

[once removed]

this is the Bettering board. it would serve little point if things couldnt get better.

I know it takes a lot of effort and patience.

having said that, these are special needs relationships. they are challenging. they are something that, if you choose to remain in it, you should go into it with eyes wide open.

you should also answer, for yourself, the question "if this relationship could not improve for me one iota, would that be good enough for me?".

realistic expectations are critical, and we cant really make those for you. at three months, that judgment would be hard for anyone to make.

what would you say is the primary issue that you want to see improve?

[Chosen]

Like many have said above, I think there is no right or wrong answer, but if you choose to stay it should be an informed decision.  You should know what to expect rather than staying "just because".  And don't expect things will change or get better if you make no effort to improve things on your front.

Well I'm on the staying board so you bet I'm not going to tell you things won't get better.  And I'm a firm believer that things can go better, even if just one person (the non-pwBPD) changes.  Of course, if the pwBPD acknowledges they need help and seek help, that's great, but don't hold your hopes up that it's gonna happen.  You can only control yourself. 

And it's gonna be a lot of hard work.  You can't go lazy, you need to be alert, you need to learn a lot about yourself (because let's be honest, your pwBPD will know how to trigger you and if you let yourself easily be triggered then the relationship really isn't going to improve).  You will need to take care of yourself emotionally, because your pwBPD is very likely unable to.  You need to learn to pick your battles, and really to let go of some expectation from your pwBPD. 

Is it worth it?  The relationship is "only" 3 months which may be short to some people but it really depends on how much you value it.  If it's something you value, then it's something worth hanging on to. 

[Couscous]

Idk how I got into this situation. I want to be my normal self again.

This to me is a big clue that you don’t really want to stay. But it also sounds like there is a part of you that feels guilty for wanting to leave. You may have a self-sacrifice schema if this is the case.

If you want to get a good sense of what life will be like for you if you stay, the book Disarming the Narcissist is worth a read. The book is written with the assumption that the reader wishes to maintain the relationship. (A pwBPD is basically a needy narcissist with abandonment issues.)

[Phoenix910]

If you don’t want kids and wish to devote the remainder of your life attempting to meet the unmet childhood needs of your boyfriend, (which is impossible, btw) then by all means go for it.

The best thing you can possibly do for yourself is to start examining your own childhood and family of origin in order to understand why you were, like a moth drawn to a flame, attracted you to him in the first place.  Only then will you be able to avoid finding yourself in this exact same position with your next boyfriend.

Might be some codependence on my end when I am with someone but not sure. I can go long periods without dating, but I think when someone begins pushing me away I try to cling to them more or see if they are okay. I try to "save"/"help" them because I know they are a good person deep down inside.

[Phoenix910]

Hey, I totally feel your pain. If the relationship is only 3 months old and you are already feeling like you want out, it's a good sign that it might be the best course of action. I understand that it's scary because you are a kind, empathetic person in that you don't want to have this person fall into a depression, but what is important to recognize in any relationship, particularly one in which there is a pw BPD is that you are not the cause for their emotions. If you choose to leave, the despair that he may or may not feel is not your responsibility, nor your cross to bear. Especially keep this in mind if he attempts to blame you for causing his emotions-- you are not the source. The source is something inside him that you, nor anyone else, can fix or put a band-aid on because the only person who can do that is himself.

Here is a bit of advice, from my own experience with a boyfriend who has untreated BPD-- this is a critical point in your relationship right now and you need to be decisive. Being with someone who has BPD, especially untreated, is a massive commitment and you will have to give up more resources (time, energy, emotional stability) to keep it over a relationship with someone who does not have BPD. If you choose to stay, you must accept that there is a fair possibility it will result in great heartbreak for you if your loved one cannot or chooses not to get help. You will be on a constant emotional rollercoaster often with extreme highs where you feel everything couldn't be more perfect, and crushing lows that have you questioning your own sanity. I'm not saying this to scare you, but it is the reality of BPD-- they are often hurting constantly, and at a depth that people who do not have the condition can rarely understand.

If the main reason for you staying is for his sake, please do not stay. This is true for any relationship, but especially a BPD one-- the relationships can be far too damaging and by the time you make up your mind however many months or years down the line that it isn't a good enough reason, the damage to yourself will be far more than it already has been. People with BPD deserve love and respect just as much as anyone else, but it is important to realize that being with someone with untreated BPD has many heartbreaks in store for you. It isn't worth it to stay out of a desire to appease him; you have to be ready to commit and sacrifice a great deal for this person, and if you aren't ready to do that it can be disastrous.

You're absolutely right yeethedonut. I'm going to have to make the bold and risky decision to suggest therapy. I know it sounds like a bad idea, but I'm going to attempt to do it in a way that makes him feel seen rather than attacked. No one deserves to suffer both pwBPD and the non-BPD partner. This week has been so hard for me. He barely wants to spend quality time but still wants to be with me. I'm thinking about ordering DBT and CBT books and either gifting it to him or "accidentally" leaving it at his place. I know it sounds like a recipe for disaster as I am wording it, but again I'm going to attempt to go about it strategically so he knows I empathize with him and not being judgmental. I agree if he isn't going to seek treatment this relationship is practically doomed. I care about him and in person when I observe his mannerisms I see his pure heart, but I sense he's in agony. I know I have to take care of myself as well. I've been thinking about pitching the idea of just being friends. We can hang out and communicate here and there. I just feel like he's suffering in this relationship with all his intense emotions and I am suffering on the receiving end.

[Phoenix910]

Can’t tell you what to do only you can make that decision.

 We can tell you with almost absolute certainty things will not get better.

NotAHero Thanks for the honestly. Do you think even with therapy things won't get better?

[Phoenix910]

this is the Bettering board. it would serve little point if things couldnt get better.

having said that, these are special needs relationships. they are challenging. they are something that, if you choose to remain in it, you should go into it with eyes wide open.

you should also answer, for yourself, the question "if this relationship could not improve for me one iota, would that be good enough for me?".

realistic expectations are critical, and we cant really make those for you. at three months, that judgment would be hard for anyone to make.

what would you say is the primary issue that you want to see improve?

I feel like if he agrees to go to therapy, and resonates with the symptoms of BPD. That would be a HUGE plus. Realistically the relationship needs to improve it is a sh*t show at only 3 months. I'm emotionally numb yet I feel everything. A paradox indeed.

The primary issue is of course the raging, and projection. And right now the distance he has allowed between us. He makes time to spend with his friends both male and female, but for me it's a "i'll let you know". I started encouraging him to spread his wings (I was accepting the idea of us going our separate ways" to which he doesn't want and says I have his heart. *Sigh*

[Phoenix910]

Like many have said above, I think there is no right or wrong answer, but if you choose to stay it should be an informed decision.  You should know what to expect rather than staying "just because".  And don't expect things will change or get better if you make no effort to improve things on your front.

Well I'm on the staying board so you bet I'm not going to tell you things won't get better.  And I'm a firm believer that things can go better, even if just one person (the non-pwBPD) changes.  Of course, if the pwBPD acknowledges they need help and seek help, that's great, but don't hold your hopes up that it's gonna happen.  You can only control yourself. 

And it's gonna be a lot of hard work.  You can't go lazy, you need to be alert, you need to learn a lot about yourself (because let's be honest, your pwBPD will know how to trigger you and if you let yourself easily be triggered then the relationship really isn't going to improve).  You will need to take care of yourself emotionally, because your pwBPD is very likely unable to.  You need to learn to pick your battles, and really to let go of some expectation from your pwBPD. 

Is it worth it?  The relationship is "only" 3 months which may be short to some people but it really depends on how much you value it.  If it's something you value, then it's something worth hanging on to. 

Thanks for providing insight on the path less traveled Chosen. I've definitely been doing so much research on this matter. Trying to pivot this relationship. Is your significant other in therapy? My partner is currently distancing himself from me. It's been weeks. We've only seen each other (these past two weeks) if I ask him if I can stop by. He makes time to spend with his male and female "friends" (idk what's really going on between the female friends). He claims he's getting it under control. He doesn't want me to leave, but I'm trying to figure out how did this become a long distant relationship when we live 30 mins away from each other. We might spend time on Sunday but I am not holding my breath. I just feel like I'm in this waiting period with him and I'm just like if you want to do your thing then let me go. But he ended up crying saying he's scared to lose me. I'm definitely going to have to encourage therapy. Honestly it can go either way with him. He may be receptive or offended, but I have to get it on the radar somehow. I care about him, I just want us both together and individually to have better days.

[Phoenix910]

This to me is a big clue that you don’t really want to stay. But it also sounds like there is a part of you that feels guilty for wanting to leave. You may have a self-sacrifice schema if this is the case.

If you want to get a good sense of what life will be like for you if you stay, the book Disarming the Narcissist is worth a read. The book is written with the assumption that the reader wishes to maintain the relationship. (A pwBPD is basically a needy narcissist with abandonment issues.)

I say that, because I'm tired. Truly exhausted. I want to see better days but idk when that'll be. I don't want to stay if there's not going to even been a yearning for improvement you know? I'd stay if he genuinely wants to improve himself and be in this relationship. I'm trying to find an opportunity to meet with him in person about this. He's currently creating distance between us so idk how to go about it. We text and talk on the phone but this conversation is more appropriate in person.

[yeethedonut]

My final sort of thoughts on your situation is that it is possible he is feeling engulfment, hence the distance. In regards to your plan, I have to agree in that it probably isn't a good idea. In general, people do not easily accept influence; it's why when people suggest unsolicited to us a tv show or a type of music they like we almost never follow up and engage with those suggestions. For some, it even acts a repellent of sorts; because they were suggested it in a way they never asked for, it actually dissuades them from the suggested thing. This is especially true for BPD people-- they think in extremely black-and-white terms, and if he is not receptive to the idea you could actually have the complete opposite effect on him and dissuade him from ever getting help. That's why addressing these things to a BPD person is extremely difficult-- they desperately need the help, and to some extent they may know it on the inside, but because of this psychological tendency you may have the complete opposite effect on him.

If you really want to go this route before you make the decision to end the relationship or not, you must tread with tremendous care, and it must be done gradually over a long period of time. Again, this is the commitment you have to decide now to make; pw BPD take a lot of patience and time. There is no reality, or at least no case that I have heard of, where a single conversation was enough to get a pw BPD to seek help and actually stick with it long enough to have any impact on them. This is why you have to make the decision now if you are choosing to stay with this relationship. Because any improvement in your relationship that you are hoping for through mental health care for your boyfriend will take a long time; it will likely take months, possibly years before the pw BPD is even ready to consider mental health care. Think of it as having to take a program before you are even allowed into the area of study that you would like to be in, such as pre-law and pre-med. Within this period, you will have to continue to endure the same behaviour that you are enduring now and possibly worse as the relationship progresses out of the 'honeymoon' stage and into seeing to the full extent of behaviour the a pw BPD exhibits. Again, this stage can go for weeks/months/years. It will take consistent, gentle nudging from you to seek help in a way that does not trigger or offend them, and you will also have to lead by example. You must imagine yourself as the adult, and in some ways a parent. You are their role model, and whatever behaviour you treat them with or exhibit, that is the behaviour they will model themselves after. This means that you will have to act exceptionally for a great deal of the time that you are around them. You of course are only human and will slip up or fail at times, and I won't lie to you that the consequences of this feel very unfair and very punishing, as you are already enduring now with his withdrawing. This too is something you will have to endure constantly in the pre-help stage.

I'm sorry for the book that I am writing you here, . This is just all the stuff that I wish I had known going into my relationship; there's a ton to learn and be aware of. If you read all this and still decide that you would like to try, I'm happy to give you more pointers on how to get through this period. But be aware that if this is BPD, it shouldn't be a 'we'll see how it goes' sort of decision as you might have with standard relationships; it is a special needs relationship that can damage you significantly without the proper tools. That being said, they are very much a person and if you feel that your bond, your connection with them is strong and worthwhile to you and you feel you have the personal strength to endure everything I've outlined, the relationship can still be very rewarding. Again, if you decide to continue... I can help give you some tips on starting the process of encouraging him to receive care.

[Phoenix910]

I'm sorry for the book that I am writing you here, . This is just all the stuff that I wish I had known going into my relationship; there's a ton to learn and be aware of. If you read all this and still decide that you would like to try, I'm happy to give you more pointers on how to get through this period. But be aware that if this is BPD, it shouldn't be a 'we'll see how it goes' sort of decision as you might have with standard relationships; it is a special needs relationship that can damage you significantly without the proper tools. That being said, they are very much a person and if you feel that your bond, your connection with them is strong and worthwhile to you and you feel you have the personal strength to endure everything I've outlined, the relationship can still be very rewarding. Again, if you decide to continue... I can help give you some tips on starting the process of encouraging him to receive care.

Please don’t apologize thank you for taking the time out to give me pointers. Honestly I’m conflicted. In a perfect world I’d rather us take a break, he seek treatment and goes into remission/get healed, and then we get back together and live happily ever after. Have you and your partner broken up before? I’m also worried about the aftermath of the breakup. What he will say and/do. I feel stuck. His sister told me he hasn’t been in a relationship since highschool so that’s roughly 12-15 years ago. I know I should prioritize myself but c’mon it’s not so easy when you don’t even know what they will do when you “abandon” them. Also when he feels engulfment what should I do? He spends time with his friends but I’m getting the short end of the stick.

[thankful person]

If you don’t want kids and wish to devote the remainder of your life attempting to meet the unmet childhood needs of your boyfriend, (which is impossible, btw) then by all means go for it.

The best thing you can possibly do for yourself is to start examining your own childhood and family of origin in order to understand why you were, like a moth drawn to a flame, attracted you to him in the first place.  Only then will you be able to avoid finding yourself in this exact same position with your next boyfriend.

I completely agree with couscous. But I just wanted to add, if you do want to have children in the future then bear in mind you are looking at the possibility of raising them with your boyfriend. I worked with children for over twenty years before I had my own. (Biologically they are my wife’s children). I felt well prepared to parent, having worked with children with a range of issues and disabilities. But what I hadn’t bargained on, was the effect my wife’s behaviour would have on them. I worry for their mental health. My eldest has become closer to me since the new baby arrived. My wife is so jealous and screeches at me to put her down and stop reading stories. I’m ashamed to say that on occasion I have obeyed to keep my wife happy. Once I said no, and she snatched the child off me and physically threw me out of the room. I am a piano teacher and she has said I am forbidden from teaching the children how to play the piano, because she can’t do it. My parents have rarely met my children though my wife does have more control while they’re little, being the breast feeding birth mother. Just a few things to think about. I have found this site very helpful and it has improved my relationship hugely, without my wife having to know or agree to anything. I am working hard to improve things. But it’s going to be a hard road ahead for sure.

[Phoenix910]

I completely agree with couscous. But I just wanted to add, if you do want to have children in the future then bear in mind you are looking at the possibility of raising them with your boyfriend. I worked with children for over twenty years before I had my own. (Biologically they are my wife’s children). I felt well prepared to parent, having worked with children with a range of issues and disabilities. But what I hadn’t bargained on, was the effect my wife’s behaviour would have on them. I worry for their mental health. My eldest has become closer to me since the new baby arrived. My wife is so jealous and screeches at me to put her down and stop reading stories. I’m ashamed to say that on occasion I have obeyed to keep my wife happy. Once I said no, and she snatched the child off me and physically threw me out of the room. I am a piano teacher and she has said I am forbidden from teaching the children how to play the piano, because she can’t do it. My parents have rarely met my children though my wife does have more control while they’re little, being the breast feeding birth mother. Just a few things to think about. I have found this site very helpful and it has improved my relationship hugely, without my wife having to know or agree to anything. I am working hard to improve things. But it’s going to be a hard road ahead for sure.

Thank you for sharing some further insight. Definitely a great point made. Is your wife in therapy?/Has she ever been in therapy? I've been crying this week because of how I feel so stuck right now. I know logically speaking it would be best for me to exit stage left especially because I am still relatively young, unmarried, and have no kids. Then I'm also experiencing some sort of guilt of what are they going to say and/or do when I try to leave the relationship? He took a day off from work after an argument we had and told me he was thinking about me all day. I'm so sad i feel helpless. I can't believe how oblivious I was during the love bombing/idealization stage. But in my defense I never dated anyone with a mental illness (at least one that's this apparent) before. He even told me "sometimes breaks are necessary as long as they're temporary" I was talking about me taking short breaks from work and I believe he was trying to reference our relationship. *sigh* I care for him but I'm at the point of wanting to encourage him to explore his options/date other people and we can stick a pin on this. I want this to be as "painless" as possible.

[yeethedonut]

Please don’t apologize thank you for taking the time out to give me pointers. Honestly I’m conflicted. In a perfect world I’d rather us take a break, he seek treatment and goes into remission/get healed, and then we get back together and live happily ever after. Have you and your partner broken up before? I’m also worried about the aftermath of the breakup. What he will say and/do. I feel stuck. His sister told me he hasn’t been in a relationship since highschool so that’s roughly 12-15 years ago. I know I should prioritize myself but c’mon it’s not so easy when you don’t even know what they will do when you “abandon” them. Also when he feels engulfment what should I do? He spends time with his friends but I’m getting the short end of the stick.

Hi, I completely understand where you're coming from. In response to whether we have broken up-- sort of. It wasn't definitive, but there was a period of two months where we were not 'together'. There have been many, many times where he has said that he wants to, or has threatened to, without meaning it or having it be a mask for something else entirely that he is actually asking for (example: I want you to suggest an alternate approach to our relationship. To him this seems very obvious that this is actually what he wants and is asking for even though what he said was he wanted to break up). This is sadly, very standard in BPD relationships. Just like with any person, BPD people all react very differently when faced with breaking up-- there are common behaviours of course, but you also need to keep it in context with who your partner is as a person, morally and ethically. If they are an individual who has strong values and respects when you have given them a firm boundary, the break up might be much easier than you think. However, common BPD behaviour is a push-and-pull dynamic. This means that when you initially break up with them, depending on the individual, they may try to pull you close to them by begging, reasoning, bargaining, etc. Or they may react in the complete opposite way and split you black and cut all contact with you. This may interchange a lot back and forth; as in they may start with anger and pushing you as far away as possible(blocking, unresponsive, complete avoidance) and the next day, week, month they will be back with apologies and sweet words. This is why a great many ex-partners of pw BPD go no contact-- the mood swings and behaviours are too much to manage.

I won't tell you what to do, you are free to choose whatever feels right for you. I can give you advice however that if you want to break up with him, you need to be very, very clear. Do not leave room for interpretation. Something I have learned from my own experience as well as from specialized experts in BPD is that pw BPD are extremely literal. They of course understand sarcasm, jokes, etc, but when it comes to serious expression they will take you entirely by what you say and nothing less. Think of the genie problem as an example: if your wording is even slightly open to interpretation, the genie can do whatever it likes with that open interpretation and you will get a wish that is very different from what you imagined. And even then, BPD people will latch on to one part of a sentence and listen to nothing else past that part. So if you say, "I want to take a break for a little while just so I can get my schoolwork done", a pw BPD may take that first part, "I want to take a break" and run wild with it in every possible negative interpretation about themselves as possible. Think about it in terms of a metaphorical ladder, in which each thought is another step: 'they want a break from me'   'they must not want to be near me'   'because they don't want to be near me they must hate me'   'they are going to abandon me.'

This is likely what will happen with him. My guess would be, based on the little I know about him, that he may split black on you, which means at first he will completely shut down on you after you break up with him. He will very likely come back after that; only you can decide what to do in this case-- because the relationship is so new, (again I can't tell you what to do here, I encourage you to do what you feel is best for you) I encourage you in this case to not respond to him if he is at all combative or idealizing you/putting you on a pedestal in any form(ex. "You treated me so well, you were so amazing and I messed all that up, I'm so sorry please talk to me again"). In either case if you feel the need to reply, I would suggest firmly but gently remind him that this is your choice and you would like him to respect it, and that it is not a topic open for debate. If he persists, you may tell him something along the lines of 'I'm sorry that you feel that way, but I see it differently. I don't want to further talk about it, and this will be my last message.'

If he feels engulfed there is only one thing you can really do: back off and give him space. It may sound counter-intuitive if he is pulling away from you to pull back yourself, and it is hard to do so because it seems that you are longing for intimacy with him hence your comment about him spending time with his friends. But it is the only action here that will get you any net positive reaction. Being a partner of a pw BPD often requires you to make the hardest choice because it is the only one that will get you the behaviour that you desire from them. I'm not sure what your usual contact schedule is like between the two of you, but whatever your normal is, reduce it. Particularly if there is an area he draws attention to. Being with someone who has BPD is difficult for a reason because it often requires you having to shelve your own feelings and needs to meet theirs first, before you can have your own met. It's unfortunately par for the course.

This is the most important take-away I think from your questions though: You are not responsible for his behaviours, actions, and emotions. No matter how he reacts to you breaking up with him, no matter what he says or threatens, it is not your problem or burden to carry; do not let him tell you otherwise. Remember who you are, and don't allow his devaluations of you begin to reflect your own perception of yourself; you must be an immovable object in this case and have a firm understanding of who you are, and what you are not. He can only change those things about you if you allow him to.

[thankful person]

Thank you for sharing some further insight. Definitely a great point made. Is your wife in therapy?/Has she ever been in therapy?

My wife was diagnosed bpd at age 20 following a suicide attempt. She was severely self harming and had an eating disorder. I left my ex for her, on the condition that she would get better. And she did attend dbt for sometime and no longer self harms, her eating will always be erratic but she’s not bulimic and her whole family are strange around food. But here’s the thing. She sees herself as a proud recovery warrior. She does not believe she has bpd anymore, despite regularly displaying bpd behaviour. And I see absolutely no point in discussing this with her, this is also backed up by advice in certain bpd books and on this forum. After she snatched the child and threw me out the room, I told her that I would want us to tell someone if it happened again and she said she would tell the health visitor. It hasn’t happened again. She had post natal depression especially bad because our littlest was very sick and my wife blames herself (though it wasn’t her fault). Honestly I think you should get yourself a therapist, learn about your own issues. My wife is very much against me doing this so I’m not ready to tackle this just yet, but I do think it would help me. I thought I left a healthy and stable relationship to be with her, even knowing how mentally ill she was. As if that’s not crazy enough, I’ve only recently realised how unhealthy my previous relationship with my ex boyfriend actually was. I’ve learnt so much from being on here and the best book I’ve read was “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist” and there’s also one that goes with it about raising resilient children which is also really good.

[NotAHero]

NotAHero Thanks for the honestly. Do you think even with therapy things won't get better?

  Experts opinions can be confusing because some say therapy helps some day it’s a life long disorder.

 In reality only if the BP seeks help in their own after hitting rock bottom ( just like an addict) therapy can be helpful. If they do it under pressure it doesn’t do anything in fact it makes matters worse. uBPDs rarely seek therapy on their own and rarely get better.

[thankful person]

  Experts opinions can be confusing because some say therapy helps some day it’s a life long disorder.

 In reality only if the BP seeks help in their own after hitting rock bottom ( just like an addict) therapy can be helpful. If they do it under pressure it doesn’t do anything in fact it makes matters worse. uBPDs rarely seek therapy on their own and rarely get better.

I agree with this. My wife does not think she personally has a problem, so does not believe she needs help. Even when her behaviour affects the children, she blames me for stressing her out so much. When she had an eating disorder and was self harming, she knew she had a problem that she needed to fix. And she did and I am very proud of her for that. But the control, the jealousy of my relationships with other people, my work, my hobbies, the constant verbal attacks on me… she does not think she needs help, just wishes I would be a better person and wife.

[Couscous]

… constant verbal attacks on me… she does not think she needs help, just wishes I would be a better person and wife.

Even if you were a better person she would still find reasons to blame you, because that is how she rids herself of her painful feelings or regulates her emotions, since BPDs cannot self regulate, just like how babies cannot self-regulate.

Emotional hot potato is the name of the game, aka « See What You Made Me Do! ».

[Cat Familiar]

To go back to the question, are BPD relationships worth it? From my experience with two BPD marriages, I’d say a definite *maybe*.

If your partner is physically violent, abuses substances, engages in illegal or immoral activity, I’d say no.

If your partner has traits, but for the most part is kind, understanding, and willing to work on issues, I’d say an enthusiastic yes.

[Couscous]

They may be worth it if your partner doesn’t also have NPD (30% of BPDs do) and you remain childless, but if not then probably not worth it once your children grow up and do a family cutoff, or worse, one or all of your children also develop the disorder. But that's just my 2 cents as the child of a BPD with multiple siblings that have it too.