"What do you want from me?" - uBPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been using the advice from the eggshells book as best I can, currently reading Essential Family Guide. At this point I have become a grey wall and generally avoidant as to not trigger anything. My uBPD spouse is starting to see through it (she has had a lot of experience with therapists so when you start using "Sounds like.." and "I can understand why you would feel that way...") she knows that it is a smoke screen to avoid conflict.

I was recently asked "What do you want from me?"

I wasn't sure how to answer. I know this is a trap, but also I don't really know how to answer anymore. While I want our family to make it, knowing that she will likely never see or understand how her behavior is harmful... I don't know what to say. I guess her asking me this is making me realize that I want out. What I want is to end the chaos in my life from. I can see that my shift in behavior since learning about BPD is causing the uBPDs behavior to get worse as I'm no longer filling the empty void and I was the main source for years now. 

Note: I also have learned the hard way that my spouse will bait me in with questions when really she is looking for an opportunity to unload her thoughts and feelings on me and just needs an opening. So needless to say, her asking me this is suspect and I highly doubt she actually wants to know what I need.

I am now being accused of punishing her by with holding love and affection, when the reality is I am terrified of her which causes the attraction to nose dive. I guess the real answer is that I want her to get help from someone who specializes in personality disorders, but that will simply not go well as we all know.

So how do I approach this question? How can I be honest but not cause a blow up?

[Bara]

I have been using the advice from the eggshells book as best I can, currently reading Essential Family Guide. At this point I have become a grey wall and generally avoidant as to not trigger anything. My uBPD spouse is starting to see through it (she has had a lot of experience with therapists so when you start using "Sounds like.." and "I can understand why you would feel that way...") she knows that it is a smoke screen to avoid conflict.

I was recently asked "What do you want from me?"

I wasn't sure how to answer. I know this is a trap, but also I don't really know how to answer anymore. While I want our family to make it, knowing that she will likely never see or understand how her behavior is harmful... I don't know what to say. I guess her asking me this is making me realize that I want out. What I want is to end the chaos in my life from. I can see that my shift in behavior since learning about BPD is causing the uBPDs behavior to get worse as I'm no longer filling the empty void and I was the main source for years now. 

Note: I also have learned the hard way that my spouse will bait me in with questions when really she is looking for an opportunity to unload her thoughts and feelings on me and just needs an opening. So needless to say, her asking me this is suspect and I highly doubt she actually wants to know what I need.

I am now being accused of punishing her by with holding love and affection, when the reality is I am terrified of her which causes the attraction to nose dive. I guess the real answer is that I want her to get help from someone who specializes in personality disorders, but that will simply not go well as we all know.

So how do I approach this question? How can I be honest but not cause a blow up?

[NotAHero]

 The question already has an answer in her head. There is no answer you can give to get out of the emotional dump that is coming. Best is to distract her. Regardless you will get blamed and devalued or whatever your pwbpd does to project her feelings on you.

[kells76]

I was recently asked "What do you want from me?"

I'm curious about the context of this question -- what was going on beforehand (i.e., a related discussion, something low-key, something intense, etc)?

I think NotAHero's suggestion that she may already "have an answer in her head" could be close. That is...

I wonder, a lot, if pwBPD use words/talking/conversations not to communicate/share information, but rather, to express feelings. We can get caught up in the meanings, in the words that were said, and (understandably so) treat the words they say as meaning what those words mean. Instead, I'm starting to suspect that pwBPD use words to express emotions, kind of "coming at it from the side", not directly/with the dictionary meaning of the words. In fact, despite many appearances of competence, togetherness, emotional sophistication, using "sophisticated" vocabulary, etc, pwBPD are rather stunted in emotional expression.

So, yeah, the vibes I'm getting at the moment are -- she is feeling anxious and insecure inside, and hopes/believes that if she can just hear "the right thing" from outside herself, from you, that she'll feel better inside.

But, because those feelings are coming from inside of her, there's nothing anyone on the outside can say that will help her insides feel better. Even if you came up with the most perfect words, she might still feel anxious, afraid, rageful, etc, because the words you said didn't change how she felt, and that's what she wanted.

All that being said, context could help us brainstorm some low-intensity responses or some moves to take the temperature down, because I suspect it's less about coming up with the right answer, and more about taking those moments and making them the "least worst" possible -- finding a way to balance her need to do some emotional expression with your need to not be her emotional punching bag.

Any of that ring true?

[Ozzie101]

Well said, Kells. My T and I talked a lot about this sort of thing earlier this week.

I’ve called it the “magical thing.” When my H gets upset about something, he will latch on to what needs to happen or what he needs to hear (usually something he “needs” me or my family to do for him). It becomes an obsession and he won’t let it go. He often can’t even really articulate what it is. But it’s what would “save” him. It would make the hurt go away.

The problem is, that magical thing is not the solution. If he gets the magical thing, the hurt is still there and he moves on to another MT.

After some time, I came to recognize the pattern and stepped out of it. I no longer rush around trying to help him because I know what he says he needs is not actually the solution.

It takes a lot of skill to navigate when they fixate like that — and to hear what’s really going on underneath what they’re saying.

[BigOof]

I agree with NotAHero - there's no right answer. I stopped answering questions like this a long time ago. Makes arguments really short.

[Bara]

To add some context...

I have been generally avoidant and non confrontational. She is framing that as punishing her by withholding love and affection.

The "What do you want from me?" Is asking... What do you want me to do so you will give me what I want?

This appears innocent, but it feels like a drug addict asking for money. The real need is hers and she is desperate to get the attention fuel. Maybe I'm being too harsh.

[WhatToDo47]

Super helpful thread, thank you! Not really anything to add but I’ve been there.