How to serve my BPD Spouse with Divorce papers

[anewearth]

Hi,

I need help!  Thank you all for being here.  I am about to serve my BPD spouse of 18 years divorce papers and need help to do it in the best way.  She is a clinical psychologist but will not get help for her BPD.  She has thought she could heal it herself but she has not been successful.  We share a six year old child.  She has expressed suicidal thoughts before and she has viewed me as both angel and devil consistently flip-flopping between the two with increasing frequency over the last 16 months or so.  I have had enough.  I don't want to hurt her, but I need to protect my boy and myself.  I am afraid her being served divorce papers will make her do extremely dangerous things she has never done before and I want to protect myself, my boy and her.  How can I do this?  I have a lawyer. 
 
Your insights would be much appreciated.

Kind regards,
anewearth

[NotAHero]

 Need more information to give a meaningful advice. Specifically if you talked to her about separation and how did she handle it?

[Turkish]

In California, I was able to serve the custody and CS stipulation by mail. The second choice was asking her brother to do it to avoid the shame of it being done by a stranger.

The difference was that I had many conversations with her about it, with me refusing to share the kids without a legal order that protected us both and the kids.

Does she know you're going to do this?

If she's that unstable, a process server might send her over the edge though it might be what you have to do. How are you and your boy keeping safe?

[ForeverDad]

There are two risks I'll mention.

One is that you decide to serve her yourself, the stbEx flames out, calls police and tries to get you arrested by claiming DV.  At the least it could end up with you (the male) removed by the police just because they want the immediate incident calmed down.  (I had a police visit, police decided to separate us.  I was the one who called but it was me the officer asked to hand my preschooler off to his mother and "step away".)  So my strong suggestion is that if you take that path then have a trusted person with you or nearby to witness that you're not the one misbehaving.

Another idea if you're doing it in person is to meet in a public setting or *quietly* record the interaction, perhaps from the background and not taunting it, since once something happens it's nearly impossible to pull a device out and start in the midst of an incident.  The point is to document you aren't the one aggressive or threatening.

Second is when someone serves her, perhaps a process server.  With you remote, she may decide to start filing allegations of DV or child abuse.  Or at next encounter set you up to get framed for whatever.  She probably will have foremost in her mind that she has to make you look worse than her.  (During my separation, during my 2 year divorce process and even a year afterward I faced repeated child abuse allegations.  Some I never learned the details, others were deemed "unsubstantiated" and closed.  It is very hard to get an allegation deemed "unfounded".)

[mart555]

Listen to ForeverDad: cover your ass.  Expect the worse. 

I highly recommend that you record audio (if legal) and document. Note that even if it goes well, don't let your guards down: the bomb might be priming itself. In my case, it took a week before the end had to go to the hospital / psych ward.  She was "an angel" during the previous week, trying to charm me.

[BigOof]

Don't serve papers unless you have recordings of what you need to prove in court. If she is a clinical psychologist, you won't get a diagnosis of BPD and any claims will destroy your credibility. Before serving papers, spend a month pushing her buttons while discreetly recording. Preferably, record her being abusive towards your child. It is about the child and not you.

Buy the audiobook "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and discretely listen to it 5 times.

Post serving papers, get a body camera and wear it at all times with your child.

[GaGrl]

What is your lawyer recommending?

Based on your experiences with your wife, what is your intuition telling you might be her reaction?

Are the two of you in any couples counseling that would allow you to tell her in the safety of a session?

Are you thoroughly prepared for the logistics following serving her with the Petition for Divorce? That is, will you move out? Are you petitioning that she move out? Will your daughter be with you or her mother, and with what temporary custody arrangements in place?

[ForeverDad]

I would like to add a caution not to misunderstand what one of our new members said above.  You don't want to be cast as some one "framing mischief" to create an incident.  Yes, be prepared to be documenting (witnesses or recording) when an incident may occur.  No, you can't risk being found to be fomenting conflict.

A typical example found in books is where a spouse calls up the ex, spouts curses at the ex, ends the call, then turns on a recorder prepared to record the ex calling back and immediately cursing for no evident reason.  Aha, got you!  But what if both calls had been recorded by the ex?  Which would the court consider the full account, the one response call with half the story or the two calls including the triggering one?

When I recorded, I made sure I hadn't been aggressive or said/done anything that the court could possibly criticize.  That said, by then I stopped trying to appease or apologize and so if that — or a blue moon or her mood of the moment or anything else — triggered my then-spouse, so be it.  I was documenting I was not the one behaving poorly or abusively.

Your spouse is no doubt accustomed to behave better when in public or at work.  Your task in respect to a divorce has been to reveal how she behaved in private, away from the public scenarios.  About BPD patterns... Others may have noticed some "off" behaviors but your family has experienced way more than that, typical for family members of a pwBPD.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello and welcome. 
My fiancé planned and executed a "surprise" exit to avoid having to deal with the meltdown and emotions of her ex when she left.  She picked up their two children from school, packed from a list, and departed to an apartment her mother had rented and furnished for her.  She then texted her soon to be ex stating there was a letter for him at home and he should go home and read it.  She then turned the phone off for several days.  The letter she left was crafted with her lawyer to ensure she could not be accused of kidnapping the children.  It worked for her.  The following week she took the children to school and he picked them up after school beginning their custody sharing plan.  She had her mother go with her to drop the children off at the school just in case he was waiting.  She did not tell him where she moved to, but he figured out which complex she was in and he was spotted looking around the complex.  She emailed him telling him to stop stalking her or she would have her lawyer file a TRO.  That worked and he moved on to another relationship 45 days after she left.

In her case, she was confident the children were safe with him before she let him take them.  The number one priority is safety for you and the children.  Plan well. 

Good luck.  CoMo