New direction

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’ve bee in this relationship for six years, we’ve been married for two years and divorced still together for two and a half. We’ve broke up countless times, separated more times than I can remember. Last week I stumbled onto the definition of BPD and was floored, was her to a T. And, unfortunately I was the classic example of what not to do, I had been enabling her and swallowing and hiding abuse almost constantly. I read nonstop for three days trying to understand and clarify what I’d learned, only to gather more confirming information that she has BPD, and NPD, and I have been her safety net/door mat all along, and with all my “efforts “ been adding fuel to the fire.
We broke up (again) yesterday and only with this new information do I have confidence and clarity that this time will stick, now I have to put myself back together. I am a shell of the person I was, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. I was fortunate to find a counselor with BPD exposure and to get that ball rolling. I am here hoping for some guardrails though I wasn’t the most social person to start with so I don’t have much confidence in myself to be receptive or adept, but am am going to try my best

[Tierrabuena]

I’ve bee in this relationship for six years, we’ve been married for two years and divorced still together for two and a half. We’ve broke up countless times, separated more times than I can remember. Last week I stumbled onto the definition of BPD and was floored, was her to a T. And, unfortunately I was the classic example of what not to do, I had been enabling her and swallowing and hiding abuse almost constantly. I read nonstop for three days trying to understand and clarify what I’d learned, only to gather more confirming information that she has BPD, and NPD, and I have been her safety net/door mat all along, and with all my “efforts “ been adding fuel to the fire.
We broke up (again) yesterday and only with this new information do I have confidence and clarity that this time will stick, now I have to put myself back together. I am a shell of the person I was, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. I was fortunate to find a counselor with BPD exposure and to get that ball rolling. I am here hoping for some guardrails though I wasn’t the most social person to start with so I don’t have much confidence in myself to be receptive or adept, but am am going to try my best

[WhatToDo47]

Hi! I don’t have too much to say at this point other than I know how you feel, it’s awful, and you’re not alone.

Get therapy for yourself for likely PTSD symptoms that you’re suffering. Take care of yourself, read other stories on here, and go slow.

Here if you need anything or have specific questions!

[ACycleWiser]

I’ve bee in this relationship for six years, we’ve been married for two years and divorced still together for two and a half. We’ve broke up countless times, separated more times than I can remember. Last week I stumbled onto the definition of BPD and was floored, was her to a T. And, unfortunately I was the classic example of what not to do, I had been enabling her and swallowing and hiding abuse almost constantly. I read nonstop for three days trying to understand and clarify what I’d learned, only to gather more confirming information that she has BPD, and NPD, and I have been her safety net/door mat all along, and with all my “efforts “ been adding fuel to the fire.
We broke up (again) yesterday and only with this new information do I have confidence and clarity that this time will stick, now I have to put myself back together. I am a shell of the person I was, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. I was fortunate to find a counselor with BPD exposure and to get that ball rolling. I am here hoping for some guardrails though I wasn’t the most social person to start with so I don’t have much confidence in myself to be receptive or adept, but am am going to try my best

Oh Man, i can feel how confusing and wrecking those years must have been, especially navigating them without a BPD radar. I was in the same situation too in the beginning. Flying Blind.

Don't blame yourself. You can mitigate some of the chaos by applying often quite counterintuitive approaches, learn about the disorder, the techniques and trying to see and love the person loose from the disorder, but even then success is not guaranteed and the chance of just burning out from trying is still very high. Even if you know everything about BPD, BPD may not be able to really know or understand you in the end.

I do want to say there is hope. Of course you need to figure out what this all was, and build yourself up again, but in such a way that prevents these disasters in the future. But in the first few weeks especially you may be in a state of shock, and this is perfectly normal, your body can't just deal with all the tension that you had to endure releasing at the same time. At the same time it is withdrawing from spinning on the BPD merry go around, even on a biological level. Don't be afraid of this, it will pass and your body is just working to restore its balance again.

The Hope is that this is the start of a process of gaining a lot of knowledge, self-compassion and self insight, but it will only come to you if you keep your distance.

[Tierrabuena]

VERY helpful advice, I hadn’t considered the shock of it all. That definitely explains some things. I also appreciate the going slow  view, I think that will be valuable to me going forward, I tend to want things “done” and allowing myself time to process and adjust rather than stress about progress  is a great vision. Also the keeping distance part is going to be huge for me, I need to try to learn that.
Thank you

[WhatToDo47]

I’m so glad it’s helpful! I tend to he the same way. You can actually develop PTSD from this. Make sure you take care of yourself with therapy and healthy ways to relieve stress, whether actively in the relationship or not. Also, I’ve seen a lot of things comparing these relationships to addiction, including the physical highs/withdrawals/intermittent reinforcement, etc. A helpful paradigm and analogy worth looking into if you want.

Have a great day all!

[SinisterComplex]

VERY helpful advice, I hadn’t considered the shock of it all. That definitely explains some things. I also appreciate the going slow  view, I think that will be valuable to me going forward, I tend to want things “done” and allowing myself time to process and adjust rather than stress about progress  is a great vision. Also the keeping distance part is going to be huge for me, I need to try to learn that.
Thank you

Definitely slow yourself down for sure. Keeping distance will help you tremendously. It is something you learn though TB. It is something you NIKE it. The easiest way to keeping distance apart...make sure it is something you truly want and then stick to it. Reach out to friends to help keep you accountable. Post here, etc.

At the end of the day though...do what you feel and think is in your best interests. It is your life and you have to live it.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-