New Year's Resolution

[AskingWhy]

My resolution for 2022 is to give up hope.  Giving up on hoping my uBPD will all of a sudden become sane.

All the years of our marriage, H has been abusive to me verbally and physically.  Although he has not struck me, he had thrown things (furniture, kitchen items, etc.), punched holes in walls, and once tore a light fixture out of the ceiling in a fit of rage.  Last year, on his birthday, drunk and tearful, he apologized to me for "all the things" he did to me.  Now he is back to his old games.  Over the years, not knowing he was mentally ill, I would weep when he devalued me and threatened divorce.  One time, I was crying so hard that I ended up vomiting.  About ten years ago, I started being less codependent.  I got a backbone.  I allowed myself to feel the indignation that was my right to feel.  I started to laugh at him, like laughing at a toddler having a tantrum.  A toddler having a tantrum needs a time out alone in his room.

His entire family is a psychological mess.  H love bombed me and we were married in three months.  H swept me off my feet.  I did not know what a mess his family was:  X wife uNPD, adult children uBPD (suicide attempts, expulsion from the military, hypersexuality, drug abuse/alcoholism, sleeping with work supervisors, going from job to job), elderly F likely uNPD or uBPD.  (His 80-something father, three weeks after losing his elderly wife, propositioned his next door neighbor who was young enough to be his daughter.  She was so distraught she called H on the phone.)  Again, a mess.

I tried to let H know that his D30 was addicted to recreational drugs and he refused to believe me.  Instead, he shot the messenger.  He called me "jealous c*nt" and a lot of his other usual names for me.  Imagine my not so surprise when the D was hospitalized for five days for serious recreational drug reactions.  

Now the GS appears to be in the ASD spectrum.  From infancy, I knew something was "off."  Failure to make eye contact, stimming with fingers, refusal to deviate from routine, never smiled, obsession with certain toys, and now is not toilet trained and is almost four years old. H's D just had another child a month ago, and the GS is out of control.  The D is obese and does not eat well, often being ill.  (I say k arma is a feisty little...b*.. SD was cruel to me as a teen and as a young adult.)  I have said nothing about my suspicions of GS.  I have no intention of having H dysregulate when I express concerns for his sacred cows.  The child par rots when he talks, and D and H think he's the smartest little thing in the world.   Meanwhile, I am horrified.

So I am giving up hope.  This means I no longer care.  This is what happens over 25 years of marriage to a uBPD H.  I am letting him and his family fall flat on their faces.  I am no longer codependent.  If H dysregulates and withholds affection from me by sleeping on the couch (pouting), I let him.  I no longer try to "talk it out."  I then give him the silent treatment in return.  For NPDs and BPDs, being ignored is like agony.  Let him suffer, I say.

I already feel stronger today.  Holidays are especially times for BPDs to dysregulate.  As I am retired, I am trying my hand at writing fiction novels.  This has been my childhood dream.  I used to consider reading to H years ago, but our R/S has deteriorated so much that I no longer want his input.

I am standing back now for the sh*tshow.  

Sign me, Feeling Better Already

[PhoenixKnight]

I can’t even imagine how difficult things have been for you. To hold out for so many years in such conditions is truly amazing. I can sense the frustration, pain, but more importantly resilience and personal growth and understanding.

You do you, and know that any repercussions are not your fault.

[thankful person]

Asking why, you’re an inspiration! I’m starting to be less bothered by certain things, but I still have a long way to go. Happy new year!

[GaGrl]

"Giving up hope" also can be described as the term we often use here -- "Radical Acceptance."

When you completely, i.e. radically, accept that this is who and what the person with BPD/NPD is, and that you have no control nor wish to have control over their personality disorder nor behavior, then you can proceed to live according to that acceptance.

What does Radical Acceptance look like, feel like, to you in your current situation?

[AskingWhy]

This evening, H dysregulated and told me he wasn't going to take me to a morning medical appointment and that I had better get a family member to take me, or reschedule the appointment.

I have a medical disability that prevents me from driving from time to time, and I was relying on him to take me to the appointment.

Well, H pulled the blackmail on me, telling me he wouldn't drive me or to cancel my appointment unless it apologize to him.  The appointment is for tomorrow morning, and he is pulling this!

He was badgering me about his wanting to go to bed, and to hurry up on some house chores, and so I started the chores.  Then he badgered me again...and again.  Finally, I lost my cool, and said I was doing the chores and that I had enough of the bullying.  Please don't tell me about empathetic listening and proper communication.  I am tapped out of empathy.  When his teen children lived with us (his uNPD X threw each child out of the house as they turned 19), he would cower to their own blackmail and buy expensive gifts and international vacations, etc.

I am sticking to my backbone and not begging for my H to take me to my appointment.  I have faith in karma, if you will.  He will one day have to work on all the karma that he has built up over the years with me.  And karma will s kip generations on occasions. 

[AskingWhy]

Phoenix, Broken and GaGrl, I am working with my own radical acceptance.  This helps immensely.

On the other hand, H got it into his head to "help" me with my library and "decided" to take in onto himself to organize my library.  I hope he did not see my copy of Bill Eddy's book while doing this.  It was a violation of trust to touch my property. 

Because I am depressed (many of us nons are), I sleep in often.  While I was asleep, he "organized" my property while included my library and many of my clothes and such.  I am still furious that he would do this with the BPD pretext of "helping" me.

[BigOof]

Try audiobooks next time.

[AskingWhy]

Try audiobooks next time.

I found the book.  I had sense to hide it!

[Gemsforeyes]

I’m not sure if you’ll answer these questions, but I’m wondering:

Do you have a spoken understanding with your H that he is never to touch the books in your library?  What does “organizing” mean to him?

You have expressed that when your medical condition intensifies, you obviously don’t feel well.  Could your H have actually been genuinely trying to help you get some things done that you haven’t been up to doing?

After 25 years of marriage, are there areas in your joint home that are known as off-limits to him and areas that are known as off-limits to you?

Finally, as far as your H’s dysregulation the night before your doctor appointment and stating he would not be driving you in the morning.  I kind of recall a past incident where he once decided not to take you to an event of some type that you wanted to attend.  We had spoken about maybe it would be good for you to seek out alternative modes of transportation in case he has these last minute mind changes.  If you don’t live in a tiny town, perhaps a cab or Uber could help?  Then the next time he sets off, you can say... “okay”.  If you don’t want to “apologize” for whatever pretend or real offense he was holding over your head.

Just some thoughts to perhaps make your life a bit easier.

Warmly,
Gems