New to this group and slightly overwhelmed

[Sherann]

Hello, I'm new here. I'm struggling a little trying to navigate this site and how it works and understanding proper etiquette here. I'm 52 years old, married for 22 years, together for 26. Six months ago my 18 year old daughter recommended I read the Revised "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" book. She said I might be surprised at what I discover.  I finished the book and I was speechless for days, at the realization that this is what I've been dealing with all my married life. Suddenly so much made sense.  We have 3 grown kids, 22, 18 and 17.  I home schooled my kids and I'm here to say I'm blessed beyond words when it comes to my children.  They are 3 of the most amazing humans you'll ever meet.  Anyway, one weekend we all left town for a family reunion.  Husband with BPD opted to stay home.  While I was gone he was looking for something and ran across the "I hate you. Don't Leave Me" book. He was not happy about it, but also didn't read it. I explained that our daughter recommended it. I returned home from the reunion and he was silent about the book for about a week then out of nowhere, he asked if he could read it. I told him he has the right to read whatever he wants. He never read it. But another 2 weeks goes by and one night he had a dramatic episode, suggesting again I was cheating on him.  I've been faithful since day one.  I laid my head on the pillow and cried silently and prayed to God that he show me where the Bible and Mental Illness come together.  The next morning husband got up and went to work.  2 hours later he sends me a text with these exact words "I soo have BPD baby". I dropped my phone and cried in relief. I asked him if he read the book. He said he looked up BPD and sent me the link to a YouTube video he watched and said he has 7, if not 8 of the BPD traits. For about 2 weeks we were in that honeymoon mode.  Relieved to have answers and know that there's treatment.  Now he has entered the "It's gonna get worse before it gets better stage."  He's expressing his awareness of the burden he is to me and the kids. Talks about how we'll all be better off without him.  I will say that there have definitely been more peaceful days in between. He's becoming more aware when he's entertaining thoughts that aren't a reality.  He's even been able to stop himself and apologize and he asks if he can "take it back".  He is an alcoholic with some control over consumption, but I know how much alcohol can negatively affect a BPD. Neither of us have gone to therapy because we simply cannot afford it. So now in the day to day grind and getting to figure out next steps.  I'm half way thru the Walking On Eggshells workbook,  which has been eye opening and a huge help... although painful to see the areas where I may have been making things worse, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it.  We own the DBT Workbooks, but he's yet to actually dive into them.  Meanwhile I'm doing my part and continue to do my homework.  Is it unrealistic to expect him to actively start working on DBT skills?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi Sherann and welcome. This is a great forum with the most wonderful supportive and knowledgeable people here to help you. I’m a beginner myself really having only become active here a few months ago, but I have learnt so much and it is helping my relationship with my wife and our two babies ages two years, and eight months. It’s great that your husband has identified that he recognises the bpd, wants to help himself and get therapy. My wife was diagnosed bpd before we met seven years ago. She did a bit of dbt to help with self harm/eating disorders/suicide attempts. So she has conquered these behaviours, however getting on with her on a daily basis is where the challenges now lie. She no longer identifies as having bpd, but she most definitely does portray it constantly, but I see no point in discussing it with her. The good news is that I have managed to improve our relationship all on my own. I am inspired by your amazing children and glad you have them. One thing I am most concerned about is teaching my own children to be mentally and emotionally strong and healthy. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

[once removed]

Is it unrealistic to expect him to actively start working on DBT skills?

not necessarily.

but when i was going through my breakup, i ordered a book we recommend here called the journey from abandonment to healing. the people that i was confiding in had pretty much had it up to here with me, and would redirect me to the book, and i continued to put it off.

eventually i did read it, and it helped a lot.

but sometimes people, for whatever reason, are slow to embrace what might help them.

that can apply to people with bpd traits even more so.

Now he has entered the "It's gonna get worse before it gets better stage."

this, frankly, is to be expected, and is not necessarily a negative indicator.

if anything, its promising that your husband went to feeling analyzed and ganged up on to accepting the possibility.

He's expressing his awareness of the burden he is to me and the kids. Talks about how we'll all be better off without him.

this is kind of the double edged sword when it comes to bpd. self awareness, as it applies to ones level of neediness, and, frankly, difficulty, can result in self loathing.

I'm half way thru the Walking On Eggshells workbook

its difficult, i agree, to figure out next steps. theres real progress here, but you also dont want to push too hard.

it might be a good idea to pick up, in this order:

stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist
loving someone with borderline personality disorder

generally speaking, stop walking on eggshells validates us. stop caretaking challenges us in the ways that we contribute less than helpfully in the relationship. loving someone talks about building the kind of environment that both people can thrive in. its really a combined approach.

sometimes, and especially for people with bpd traits, positive peers are the best motivator. if youre improving, hes gonna want to tend to step up.

[Sherann]

Hi Sherann and welcome. This is a great forum with the most wonderful supportive and knowledgeable people here to help you. I’m a beginner myself really having only become active here a few months ago, but I have learnt so much and it is helping my relationship with my wife and our two babies ages two years, and eight months. It’s great that your husband has identified that he recognises the bpd, wants to help himself and get therapy. My wife was diagnosed bpd before we met seven years ago. She did a bit of dbt to help with self harm/eating disorders/suicide attempts. So she has conquered these behaviours, however getting on with her on a daily basis is where the challenges now lie. She no longer identifies as having bpd, but she most definitely does portray it constantly, but I see no point in discussing it with her. The good news is that I have managed to improve our relationship all on my own. I am inspired by your amazing children and glad you have them. One thing I am most concerned about is teaching my own children to be mentally and emotionally strong and healthy. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Thank you for reaching out. I'm sorry to hear that she no longer identifies with BPD. Glad to hear that the relationship has improved though.  I am thankful that my husband never self harmed or attempted suicide. His self harm I feel is alcohol and just not caring about it taking care of his health. >

[Sherann]

I am inspired by your amazing children and glad you have them. One thing I am most concerned about is teaching my own children to be mentally and emotionally strong and healthy. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

I don't know if you're a religious person, but I've always felt like I've got God by my side. It was my faith years ago that showed me that it's not personal. The more I could step back and create healthy boundaries, really helped me throughout the years.  And I think more than anything, since they were young children, I had very open dialog with them. They were home schooled, but I did not shelter them. We made great sacrifices for me to be home to raise my kids. My kids and I are always talking about how the school system is broken and that Mental Health Awareness should be taught in schools.  I also didn't allow them to have cell phones until their late teens. They were frustrated, but today thank me for that.  They are all on social media scrolling through now and then,  but they don't put themselves out there,  nor is their self worth dependant on their online popularity.  I'm thankful for that.  They are living their lives and because my daughter is much like dad,  she saw herself in him.  She took it upon herself when she was 15 to educate herself on mental illness.  She went thru a year of depression and disassociation herself and managed to snap out of it.  I'm so grateful that Mental Illness is no longer a taboo conversation in our home.  Honestly, I think this alone has been one of the most helpful things. So conversation without judgement I feel has been the key to raising healthy children.  Always keeping the lines of communication open. Also, I might add that we chose to live slightly minimalistic lives, all of us in a 375sq space. This forced us to communicate and learn conflict resolution. We couldn't hide in a room.  I know these things are necessarily do-able, but regardless of your faith or living situation, just talk openly with your kids as they get older.

[Sherann]

not necessarily.

but when i was going through my breakup, i ordered a book we recommend here called the journey from abandonment to healing. the people that i was confiding in had pretty much had it up to here with me, and would redirect me to the book, and i continued to put it off.

eventually i did read it, and it helped a lot.

but sometimes people, for whatever reason, are slow to embrace what might help them.

that can apply to people with bpd traits even more so.

this, frankly, is to be expected, and is not necessarily a negative indicator.

if anything, its promising that your husband went to feeling analyzed and ganged up on to accepting the possibility.

this is kind of the double edged sword when it comes to bpd. self awareness, as it applies to ones level of neediness, and, frankly, difficulty, can result in self loathing.

its difficult, i agree, to figure out next steps. theres real progress here, but you also dont want to push too hard.

it might be a good idea to pick up, in this order:

stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist
loving someone with borderline personality disorder

generally speaking, stop walking on eggshells validates us. stop caretaking challenges us in the ways that we contribute less than helpfully in the relationship. loving someone talks about building the kind of environment that both people can thrive in. its really a combined approach.

sometimes, and especially for people with bpd traits, positive peers are the best motivator. if youre improving, hes gonna want to tend to step up.

Thank you so much for your reply.  I agree and trying to focus on the positives.  He doesn't self harm and has never attempted suicide.  So I'm thankful for that. I go back and forth between "I'm exhausted from trying and just want to live a normal life" to "I'm determined to educate myself and understand this illness, because I remember the beautiful person he is when his mind isn't in that dark space".  And thank you for the reminder that these things take time and that by focusing on self is a more productive way to hopefully inspire him. And thank you for the recommendations on the books. I'll definitely be picking them up.  I'm so glad I found this support group.

[AndreaX]

Hi Sherann,

I'm new here too. I can identify with the 'feeling overwhelmed' with all the resources on this site and getting used to navigating it. But I'm very glad it's here, and everyone I've encountered in this forum has been very supportive and compassionate. I'm also glad the compassion extends to the bpd sufferer, as this isn't the case with all such discussion forums when it comes to mental illness and challenging personality traits...

It sounds like your husband has a good degree of insight insofar as he now accepts he has a problem, but I agree with this comment:

this is kind of the double edged sword when it comes to bpd. self awareness, as it applies to ones level of neediness, and, frankly, difficulty, can result in self loathing. (end quote)

My own partner, who has recently been diagnosed with BPD, rejects the label, but does recognise he has traits that set him apart from most other people. At times, when he sees how hard a time other people have with his behaviour and what he says, he can get very down on himself.

When he's in this state of self-loathing, he can end up apologising repeatedly - not for specific things, but for being 'a bad person' or even not deserving to live. At its worst, anger or frustration will turn to self-harm and talk about suicide, of 'not belonging in this world' or wishing he was never born. Unfortunately, this trait makes it even harder for people to accept him as he is, and it becomes a vicious circle.

This has been the case for as long as I've been with him - coming up to three years, although it was largely masked at the beginning of our relationship - and I can't see it changing with the diagnosis, quite honestly. Perhaps this is because he doesn't accept it; or maybe he does at some level and it freaks him out. (He's 58 now and has gone through life resisting treatment or diagnosis, despite a history of acute episodes.)

The fact that your husband recognises he has a condition and wants to at least understand it better seems to me a very positive first step. Of course it won't be easy for either of you, but it sounds like you have more than enough love, commitment and mutual respect to be able to make that journey together. Best of luck! (And apologies for banging on about my own situation...)

[AndreaX]

Sorry, the quote in the middle is supposed to end at 'end quote'. The rest of the comment is mine!

[thankful person]

Hi Sherann,
Thank you for your comments. I am glad your faith has helped you. It sounds like you’ve done an amazing job with your family. It’s great that you could see not to take things personally. I have worked with mental health patients in the past, but despite the bpd diagnosis before I met my wife, I have only managed to stop taking things personally since joining the forum last year. Actually that has really helped. Despite my wife’s continuing bpd behaviours, she sees herself as a proud recovery warrior. We are both keen for our children to grow up emotionally stable and healthy, but she doesn’t seem to see that some of her behaviour could be hurtful or even harmful to them. However I am sure that when the children are old enough she will tell them about the bpd. So it won’t be a secret, just for them to investigate if they want to, and if they do then they will recognise, as I do, the reasons behind some of her behaviour. How did you explain such things to your children when they were growing up? Did you feel you had to apologise for your husband’s behaviour and try to explain it to them?

[Sherann]

Sorry, the quote in the middle is supposed to end at 'end quote'. The rest of the comment is mine!

Please don't apologize for sharing your information.  The party about self loathing and the vicious cycle is so relatable.  Hearing these stories makes me feel like I'm not alone.  So thank you for the warm welcome.

[Sherann]

Hi Sherann,
Thank you for your comments. I am glad your faith has helped you. It sounds like you’ve done an amazing job with your family. It’s great that you could see not to take things personally. I have worked with mental health patients in the past, but despite the bpd diagnosis before I met my wife, I have only managed to stop taking things personally since joining the forum last year. Actually that has really helped. Despite my wife’s continuing bpd behaviours, she sees herself as a proud recovery warrior. We are both keen for our children to grow up emotionally stable and healthy, but she doesn’t seem to see that some of her behaviour could be hurtful or even harmful to them. However I am sure that when the children are old enough she will tell them about the bpd. So it won’t be a secret, just for them to investigate if they want to, and if they do then they will recognise, as I do, the reasons behind some of her behaviour. How did you explain such things to your children when they were growing up? Did you feel you had to apologise for your husband’s behaviour and try to explain it to them?

I think having one sound partner has been really helpful when it comes to the kids. I never tried to excuse his behavior, but always tried to explain. And this has always been a challenge. I've done my best not paint him as the bad guy.  I've also been up against in-laws that were in denial about him struggling with mental illness... and a bunch of really bad learned behavior. I've had to constantly and gently remind him "remember, we're not doing that anymore".  Also, looking back there were some occasions where I found myself apologizing for him. But I think I was blessed with the fact that he kinda let me raise them. He wasn't as hands on. It got a little more combative when they became teens and had a voice.  But that also didn't last long because they really started understanding his illness and recognizing it as such.