Need to learn to stop being a rescuer (Karpman Triangle)

[Kingston]

25 year old son who lives with bipolar disorder is often the victim. Has worked with psychologist in a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy program for many years.

I have always been a fixer, do more that is asked, gets VERY anxious about the behaviour of others.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Kingston, welcome to the group 

"Victim" identity is common for people with BPD (pwBPD). It is difficult for them to accept responsibility or blame, and often, they shift blame to others and to external situations. Your son's way of approaching life as a victim sounds very familiar.

You mention he has bipolar, was he diagnosed? If so, does he accept his diagnosis?

Given that he has bipolar, I wonder if there's something more going on that leads you to suspect BPD, either instead of or in addition to bipolar?

It sounds like he's been compliant with his DBT program, though, which is a plus.

Does he still live with you?

I have always been a fixer, do more that is asked, gets VERY anxious about the behaviour of others.

That's also familiar. There's what other people do, which can be problematic, yet at the end of the day, we have to deal with our own responses to others.

Sounds like you've tried "fixing" your son in the past -- is that accurate?

Learning new tools and skills to manage ourselves, and our own anxieties, is a big part of the culture here. It's heartbreaking when we can't help the ones we love, yet, when we help ourselves, that positions us for a different kind of success in our relationships.

Looking forward to hearing more from you;

kells76

[Kingston]

He was diagnosed with Bipolar at age 16. He accepts the diagnosis, but still grieves the loss of "normality" I think.   At 15 was diagnosed with ADHD -  inattentive. He lives with us.  I suspect more than bipolar,  now because mood swings are very rapid. Same day. Argumentative, irritable, then singing in the kitchen.  Blames parents for not being supportive.

I am working on reducing my co-dependence.. Working with Family Resources social worker, and a peer Caregiver.  I have stopped fixing his problems.  A long history of rescuing is hard to change.. from fetching his lost mittens at age 5 to ensuring he has a supply of medications or reminding him of medical appointments in his 20s.