Closer to fine

[Calli]

I can feel myself moving through more stages of understandings.  Being able to reflect more clearly on things, coming to a more neutral territory in my mind about how things went.   The anger and frustration of the time I wasted and the embarrassment of falling for his lies and love bombing will probably always be there to some small degree.  But they’ve lessened from what they were. 

I know he’s angry as well, but much less able to process in a healthy way - always splitting. I suspect we won’t be friends much at all in the future and I’m very ok with that.  I feel myself letting go, finally.  Accepting more and more the truth.  I won’t buy into his own provocations made out of his anger.  Those terrible push-pull games he so loved (“Thats what love is, Calli!  Those aches, they pull at your heart”.  “We’ll it’s horrible!”) .  The other day he posted a picture of another woman, and at first I had that familiar sorrow, ache, anger, jealousy - but quickly I realized that it doesn’t matter - it could be an inanimate doll and it would be the same for him.  He treats us like objects to fulfill his own desires and wants, selfishly.  She could be switched out for another just as easily, as he has done in the past.  Because of his incapacity to truly know intimacy and true, selfless love.  And that is tragic in and of itself.

Today I deleted some of the silly pictures I saved as momentos - and it was like a timeline of our relationship replaying. I could remember each and every mood he was in for every snapshot and screenshot saved.  “Oh, he was happy that day”. “Oh, I remember right after this he started yelling at me”.  “This was when he said that incredibly demeaning comment to me”.   

To be so tied to the memory like a play-by-play is just more evidence of the addiction I had to it all.  To him, to the dopamine rush, even now to the hit if I visit his social media page searching for any sign he thinks of me.  Thankfully I’m doing less and less of that.  But as many here have commented in previous posts, it is truly like a substance addiction.   My brother is an alcoholic and I recognize similar signs in this situation. 

Lastly, I’ve been thinking more about the fact that he couldn’t even stomach the idea of it being me who ended things. (It was me, who finally cut it off for good).  When he came back, he had spun a story in his mind that it was he who has ended things, and that he was worried I was pining away for him, stuck in a rut.  So egotistical, it makes me laugh.  Whatever floats his boat I suppose.  I wonder if anyone else has had their ex spin a different breakup story in their minds so they can live with things better? 

Thanks for any insights you may have.  I always appreciate the helpful feedback.  I am way further along in my healing process because of the great people here, I am sure of it

Thx,
Calligrapher

[B1987]

Hi Calli

I'm so glad to hear how well you're doing! The progress you've made and the inner-strength you must have is very inspirational.

It is truly sad that they'll never experience real intimacy and selfless love like you mentioned. I realise now that whilst I 100% loved my ex, her love for me (although strong at times) was entirely conditional - conditional to the fact that you can offer them what they need at that moment in time.

These relationships definitely have addictive traits, this is something I am working to overcome.

It's interesting that you mentioned your ex spun a different tale about how you broke up. My ex abruptly broke up with me by text but when I heard from her a few months ago, she was adamant that it was ME who broke up with HER and said she really wished I hadn't done that - WTF?

Anyway, I really hope you continue to improve and wish you all the best for 2022.

[ILMBPDC]

My ex abruptly discarded me, going 100% NC, because I told him that I felt like he was using me - I'm pretty sure that hit too close to home and caused him to panic and abandon me before I could abandon him - funny thing is, I wasn't planning on abandoning him, I just wanted a frank discussion.  3 1/2 months later he contacts me and I straight up called him out on it and he says "that's not what happened and you know it." WTF?  According to him, I told him that "he wasn't doing me any favors" being in my life. He even sent me a screen shot of part of the text I sent (I had deleted everything after it was apparent he was done). He had to do some major reading between the lines to come to that conclusion. So, yeah, he built a scenario in his head based on what he thought I might have possibly meant in a text I sent. Instead of talking about it or asking for clarification or having any sort of conversation, he just cut me off.

I've read that pwBPD rewrite history quite frequently and even though I was flabbergasted to see him do it, I wasn't entirely surprised.

[rob66]

Funny, ILMBPDC, and yet another indication that people with BPD behave in very similar patterns, but when I told my ex that she was using me, she immediately broke up with me. It's as if once they know their game plan they can't stand the shame of it, so they run. Cowardly in my eyes. Who knows how they see it.

[brighter future]

About 1.5 - 2 months before our breakup, my BPD ex told me that she was "terrified that I was going to leave" her while noting that she was going through some severe emotional difficulties. Her moods were constantly up and down during most of of our relationship. She also quit taking all of her meds during this particular time period, which made things even worse. We'll be broken up two years this coming April.

About 5-6 days before she discarded me, she called me up in the evening like she always did. Shortly into the conversation, she began to belittle and devalue me and state that she was angry because I wouldn't give her an engagement ring. Several minutes later, she apologized for what she had said and told me that she was in a bad state of mind and told me "don't lose sleep over this. It has nothing to do with you." Five to 6 days later, she showed up at my house and told me that she "loved me more than anything and would do anything to be with me." Then came the discard a few minutes later. She was talking to a former lover the next day (the man she had an affair with immediately after leaving her ex-husband). Less than two weeks later, they were in a committed relationship. The crazy thing is, I found out about 6 weeks into our relationship that she had been involved with this guy for a couple of months and actually ditched him to start seeing me. I wish I could have seen the writing on the wall at that time. Unfortunately I ignored it and pressed forward with her.

Her excuse as to why she discarded me varied depending on who she told. Most people told me what she'd told them about what happened with our relationship. One friend questioned why she had moved on so quickly. This was at about the 6 week mark after the breakup. She told them "Brighter Future and I have been broken up for several months now (had actually been six weeks), I am not going to sit around the house being miserable." The funniest version was that I "wasn't a risk taker" and that she "wasn't going to date someone forever." Even funnier is the fact that she is still with this guy today nearly two years later and has no ring or marriage commitment from him. She told a mutual friend nearly a year ago that she and lover boy were close to engagement. Still nothing to this day. I'm so glad to be away from all of that craziness. It's amazing how much clearer that you can see when you step away from this type of relationship.

Best wishes to you.

[ILMBPDC]

Funny, ILMBPDC, and yet another indication that people with BPD behave in very similar patterns, but when I told my ex that she was using me, she immediately broke up with me. It's as if once they know their game plan they can't stand the shame of it, so they run. Cowardly in my eyes. Who knows how they see it.

My ex saw it as "helping" me. He literally said that. And that he thought it was "for the best" to give me "space to heal". He decided what he thought I needed and made himself the hero. (actually I'm more inclined to think he had an emotional spiral and discarded me then after the fact, made himself the hero, but whatever)

You know, I guess I can see why - if he is that broken, he likely needs a way to tell himself that what he is doing was "right" and not because of his own emotional dysregulation. We are all the heroes of our own story after all.  I am not excusing him in the least, I'm just saying that a lot of us think we are on the right side of things but the other person has a completely different perspective. And when there is something like BPD involved they need a way to make themselves feel like what they did was right, even though they know they caused a lot of pain. Even if it means literally rewriting history in their brains.

Man, its got to be rough in their heads.

ETA: Another point is that the last time I saw him before the discard we had been discussing something to do with energy and people who give/take energy and he commented something along the lines about how he was aware that he took my energy with no reciprocation (i.e. using me - semantics). So I know for a fact that he knew he was using me.

[brighter future]

ETA: Another point is that the last time I saw him before the discard we had been discussing something to do with energy and people who give/take energy and he commented something along the lines about how he was aware that he took my energy with no reciprocation (i.e. using me - semantics). So I know for a fact that he knew he was using me.

Very interesting. Mine told me on more than one occasion, "You put so much more into this relationship than I do. I feel guilty."  After the breakup, and I had been split black, she said "I'm sorry, but you didn't do enough."   I suppose she had to say that to  feel better about herself. After that comment was made was when I told her I felt like she did nothing but use me for the majority of our nearly two year relationship.  I got no reply to what I said to her.

She's very good at planting seeds so people will do things for her. She did this throughout our relationship. I got a text message recently from a mutual friend with a screenshot of a post my ex made on social media. She needed to do a repair on her house and said what materials she needed to complete the work. Then she said if anyone had any of these materials left over from a job (that they wanted to give away free of charge) at their own home to contact her. I'm thinking to myself, why in the world don't you take some responsibility and buy the materials yourself? A few days later, our mutual friend contacted me again with another screenshot from my ex's social media. My ex had made another post saying how her "wonderful man" showed up with the materials he had bought himself at the home improvement store, and he made the repairs that were needed on the home. It was like watching myself through this guy 2-3 years earlier.

[ILMBPDC]

My ex had made another post saying how her "wonderful man" showed up with the materials he had bought himself at the home improvement store, and he made the repairs that were needed on the home. It was like watching myself through this guy 2-3 years earlier.

Sometimes I run across ads online for relationship/dating "gurus" and they often suggest making your man feel needed by bringing out his "hero instinct". It screams manipulation to me - but it also sounds like exactly what your ex does. She acts helpless (or if not helpless exactly, lays down the groundwork for needing to be helped) so some man can come in on his white horse and save her. Sadly I find that women who act like that almost always have men falling at their feet so maybe the "gurus" have something there .

My ex didn't do that exactly, but he would ask my opinion or advice on things (that he never took), making it seem like he was super interested. When I was in school he would want to hear about things I learned, telling me how he wanted to learn xyz too (he never did). He wanted advice on his garden (that he never planted). So in a way, he triggered my own (codependent) instinct to "help". I am very cognizant of not overstepping and doing the codependent "fixing" thing - as in seeing a problem and fixing it whether the person needed help or not - but if he asked for help I would gladly help. I did get the feeling that at times he wanted me to take control, actually. I wonder how common that is in BPD.

[brighter future]

Sometimes I run across ads online for relationship/dating "gurus" and they often suggest making your man feel needed by bringing out his "hero instinct". It screams manipulation to me - but it also sounds like exactly what your ex does. She acts helpless (or if not helpless exactly, lays down the groundwork for needing to be helped) so some man can come in on his white horse and save her. Sadly I find that women who act like that almost always have men falling at their feet so maybe the "gurus" have something there .

It screams manipulation to me as well.

If she's not doing things like I described in my last post, she is "sick" which sends people running to her rescue. On at least two occasions, two of those instances required emergency room visits at the hospital. I drove to her home each time to take her to the hospital while her mother came to the house to take care of my ex's children while we were gone. Each time, her home was a filthy mess, and her mother spent the entire time cleaning while we were at the emergency room. Additionally, each time we visited the hospital, the staff couldn't find anything wrong with her after doing a full run of bloodwork, etc. They'd just send her home with anti-nausea medicine or something similar. My guess is that it was more mental than anything that was causing her to be "sick". One of our mutual friends told me that she had another one of these episodes about 4-6 weeks ago that required another trip to the ER. Supposedly, nothing was found. Judging by what I was told, it sent people to her rescue once again.

Prior to my ex-g/f with suspected BPD, I was married to a woman for 5 years that was diagnosed with BPD. Her BPD diagnosis was given after our divorce was finalized. Her attention seeking behavior consisted of suicide threats, which caused either me, my mother, her physician, counselor,  or her parents to come to her rescue. By comparison, my ex-g/f never threatened suicide. Usually with my ex-wife, she'd have a session with her counselor, and she said that she wanted to kill herself. That would cause him to have to call our health insurance company to talk to a case worker, who would in turn find a bed for her at the psychiatric ward at the hospital close to an hour from our home. Then, I along with a member of my family, would have to go and pick her up at the counselor's office. We would go home and pack a bag, then drop her off at the psychiatric ward. This happened on 3 or 4 occasions in over the course of about 4-5 months. After 3 years, her primary counselor dumped her and advised her to seek treatment elsewhere stating that he felt like she was making excuses not to get better so she could continue seeking treatment and more attention. He also noted that he felt like if he continued to work with her, it would become even more unhealthy. To this day, she is still seeing 3 different providers for treatment. The scary thing is, she completed her degree recently and is a mental health counselor herself. My question is, how can you help others turn their life around when you can't manage your own life.  

During my time here on the forum and in counseling myself, I've learned that BPD is all about attachments. The more the merrier as they say. I'm concerned that my ex-wife is seeking more attachments through her clients while she is a counselor. It was my hope that she would be found out before she earned that degree and found a job. I just hope she doesn't cause harm to someone else.