Estranged Wife wBPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So I have been reading posts on here for about six months and I'm now taking the plunge and posting

My wife left me after just over 10 years And I suspect she has quite BPD.

No lead up, no explanation, just wasn't there one day.  Blew me away Because I Was under the impression that Our relationship had never been better.

I'm really not taking this too as well and the depression just seemed to have gotten Worse instead of better over the last six months. 

My support network is decent but it's so much work To try to explain BPD to someone who doesn't get it.

I've been trying a lot journaling But I really thinkI still need people to talk to who understand What it's like to be ghosted Out of the blue.

I have a lot of mixed feelings that I'm grappling with and I don't know how best to express them

[chinchilla_dad]

So I have been reading posts on here for about six months and I'm now taking the plunge and posting

My wife left me after just over 10 years And I suspect she has quite BPD.

No lead up, no explanation, just wasn't there one day.  Blew me away Because I Was under the impression that Our relationship had never been better.

I'm really not taking this too as well and the depression just seemed to have gotten Worse instead of better over the last six months. 

My support network is decent but it's so much work To try to explain BPD to someone who doesn't get it.

I've been trying a lot journaling But I really thinkI still need people to talk to who understand What it's like to be ghosted Out of the blue.

I have a lot of mixed feelings that I'm grappling with and I don't know how best to express them

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome chinchilla_dad, 

I'm really glad that you made your first post. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story.

I can tell that you're hurting a lot and very sad. I'm so sorry for how your W just left you.

My support network is decent but it's so much work To try to explain BPD to someone who doesn't get it.

We certainly understand this very well here. It's a complex disorder that is difficult to explain, especially when the pwBPD presents a different face to others than those that they live with. My mom was an uBPD, and only my dad and my siblings understood.

I think you'll find some good help and kindness from the members here.

Do you have any children with your W? Has she been in contact with you at all?

 
Wools

[B1987]

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through, that is really tough.

I know exactly what you mean about the support network not quite understanding the experience of dealing with a bpd relationship. My family are extremely supportive but they had a kind of 'give it a few weeks and move on' approach. They didn't grasp the pain, confusion and the addictive side of being with someone who idolises you one minute and then bails the next.

As time goes by, I am starting to realise that the relationship I had was not real. It took me a while to grasp this but the way I look at things is like this - whilst I was fully in love and content in what I thought was a relationship, she was always and only looking to see how the arrangement benefitted her. She needed constant validation and security to an extent that just wasn't possible. Whenever we had problems or disagreements, she always had one foot out the door. Eventually, she left abruptly and immediately moved another man in, probably because he was easier to control and for her to have her way with, their relationship however is very toxic.

What you're going through is extremely tough and I'm still battling with things myself. My advice is to read up on other people's experiences of bdp relationships as it helped open my eyes and reassured me that it wasn't me, this is a disease that has very similar destructive patterns in most relationships.

Talking to friends and family can help but like you said, they don't always appreciate how devastating these break ups are. I am lucky as my best friend went through a similar thing so we can talk for hours about the $hit we went through .

One thing I would say is be very wary of her getting back in touch and/or trying to come back. Take it from me as I've fell for several recycles, it NEVER gets better! They will say anything to bring your defences down, they will try and convince you they miss you and made a mistake but you are only a form of supply for them. Another way of validating them that they still have a hold on you. I heard the sweetest and most loving things from my ex whenever she got back in touch but she always returned with a truckload of problems and then disappeared again. I am now fully NC for my own wellbeing.

I don't know your situation but I'll admit, I was desperate to hear from my ex so whenever she dropped me a message, I was like putty in her hand. DO NOT FALL FOR IT! It took me a long time to get emotionally strong enough to get to a point where I'd be able to avoid her advances. And on the flipside, please don't be discouraged if they never get in touch - believe me you are better off in this instance.

I wish you all the best, this is an extremely tough journey but you will survive it and in the process become stronger and wiser so that you never fall for these kind of individuals again!

[chinchilla_dad]

 B1987  I have a buddy Whose wife is doing something very similar.I have only had the pleasure of meeting her once briefly But apparently she has full-blown NPD And he's in a huge custody battle Over their two kids.  Luckily I don't have any children with mine Because I knew she had commitment issues But I never realized how serious What was wrong with her was (Thought it was bipolar).  My lawyer and I found her To get the divorce started After some looking.  She had been talking to a couple mutual friends Before she Stop talking to them. 

I'm neck deep in Researching this as I'm sure We all were at first And I'm fully aware of all of the warning signs and the charming.  It looks like she moved out of state And back in with her mother and sister (both narcs, surprise surprise). 

I still can't get over how similar So many of people's Experiences are. 

I was curious to know what else Everyone has found that helps specifically with a BPD breakup.

[HeWho]

B1987  I have a buddy Whose wife is doing something very similar.I have only had the pleasure of meeting her once briefly But apparently she has full-blown NPD And he's in a huge custody battle Over their two kids.  Luckily I don't have any children with mine Because I knew she had commitment issues But I never realized how serious What was wrong with her was (Thought it was bipolar).  My lawyer and I found her To get the divorce started After some looking.  She had been talking to a couple mutual friends Before she Stop talking to them.  

I'm neck deep in Researching this as I'm sure We all were at first And I'm fully aware of all of the warning signs and the charming.  It looks like she moved out of state And back in with her mother and sister (both narcs, surprise surprise).  

I still can't get over how similar So many of people's Experiences are.  

I was curious to know what else Everyone has found that helps specifically with a BPD breakup.

The book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" was the most eye opening and scary thing I've ever witnessed. Not only was it so accurate to my circumstances but it also gave me a lot of understanding and insight on her. I really was accepting and repressing a lot of stuff I shouldn't have throughout the relationship. Because of my self esteem issues,  I tried to be the fixer or compassionate. This actually was enabling her the whole time. I tried to be better for her but realizing I was losing pieces of myself.

That got me in my current situation. Accused of a sex crime and domestic abuse. It's alarming how many people here have experienced the same thing. Wondered "why is this happening?" As I read a lot of these post and learn more about BPD, I've come to a couple of general understandings.

A lot of us have self esteem issues and we are willing to give more than receive because of those issues. We have unresolved traumas or issues that reside from childhood or past relationships. Because we found this connection with a partner who finally understood us,  they have the affection and charm we desire,  we overlook a lot of things. The chemistry and understanding is almost unspoken and like a fire that burns. We are souls that can detect each other like lifelong friends.

Today I had an epiphany that the reason my wwBPD tried to annihilate me in such a grand fashion was because she thought I lied about my trauma. She thought I lied about the relationship with my ex wife (after one conversation on the phone) and her perception and thoughts of me shifted a complete 180. This meant I was no longer like her. The last almost 6 years of our relationship no longer mattered after 1 conversation with my ex. I thought how is that possible. How is that logical? Definitely can't be logic. But because my ex is a master and manipulation and my wwBPD was validated when she was raging at me, this was enough to cast out our real experiences and time together. No our time together was not real anymore. She threatened to divorce me if I didn't confirm this new reality that was presented.  Being weak hearted and in fear of divorce I validated these false accusations hoping to weather the storm. Me validating these lies in fear of divorce only deepened the hole I was thrown in.

I paid for her Masters,  and now she currently makes over $90 an hour working from home (I had to convince her how fortunate and easy her job is so she wouldn't quit), she currently has 20k in her account that pays for our house in Texas. She using my military benefit to get a yoga instructor certification (she's never happy and always searching for a purpose ie actress,  YouTube influencer,  Instagram verified), she filed a protection order on me with false allegations (eviction by PO as my lawyer calls it) and filed a claim at my job that I assaulted her multiple times (now my case will be reviewed by board members to determine if I'm innocent or guilty) she could've easily left and went anywhere with her job and she chose to stay here and destroy me. It is very intentional and emotional. All this to say no matter what she walks away from this situation on top very comfortably.

Bottom line. Look inward my friend. Challenge your unresolved issues of trauma and self esteem. Establish self love and understanding. What are your passions,  your hobbies,  your traits?

With my every job and freedom on the line currently, I have no choice but to either lay down and accept everything or to fight back and take control of my life again. I was so far gone in the abuse and and relationship I no longer had a "self". I was more worried and concerned about my own wife whose trying to end my life then for myself. I defended her actions saying she just emotional and if I can just talk to her things would be ok.

The bottom line is you need to have that self love. You need to fix yourself. I'm struggling daily and working on this. I'm trying my best to move forward and find myself. To love myself and put myself before her. That's hard to do because now it requires you to fix yourself, be honest with yourself. She has literally tried to destroy my life and I'm more worried about her... I'm fixing that problem now.

Thank you for posting and sharing your story. It gives me insight and understanding into my own issues. This is a step in the right direction for you. I'm here periodically if you need to vent or talk.

[chinchilla_dad]

I'm trying to stay positive And be fortunate My situation Could be a lot worse.  I'm continuing with Regular therapy And selfhelp groups.  LOL ironically she was the one I want to start therapy.  She didn't open up to the therapist at all Then bailed after Five or six sessions.  I have a feeling that she was expecting The therapist was going to tell me How aweful and AbusiveI was to her And when that didn't happen She got frustrated.  We had just started getting into her childhood And whatever Crazy trama She's had in the past that was buried for so long Triggered her.  She then projected all of that on me And split me black, Then split my mother Whom she was pretty close to, Started going around and telling everyone how awful we've been to her But couldn't really keep her stories right And pretty much anyone who knows me Did not side with her And then she split all of them black too.  The sheriffs department Went to serve her with divorce paperwork And confirmed that she was living With her mother and mother's boyfriend But whomever was still living there Said that she left and doesn't know where she is So we might have to consider a private investigator. 

Therapies been helping a lot.  Obviously I have insecure attachment issues, And I'm finally getting to work on My own personality disorder (OCPD) Which I neglected For the last10 years Because I was too busy trying to handle her And try to constantly try to fill up that BPD supply Which inevitably always drains out And then they're off looking for something else new in shiny.  Finally understanding That she has Borderline And not bipolar Like we thought Really helps Because I'm fully aware of my OCPD And have been Since high school And just how hard It is change A personality disorder.  I'm so thankul have a tight inner circle Who all got burned by at least one cluster B In the last year and they get it. 

[chinchilla_dad]

HeWho - I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through.  I'm curious to know what state you live in and what the laws are like. 

[HeWho]

HeWho - I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through.  I'm curious to know what state you live in and what the laws are like.  

I'm currently residing in Tennessee. Luckily her claims are pretty outlandish and without evidence so I haven't been arrested or charged. What she's accusing me of is enough to warrant a no contact order. I am not able to go within 1000 feet of my house or her at any time. Any attempt to break the order or contact her results in an immediate arrest.

The crazy part is she makes twice as much as me and works from home. She wants to use the benefits of my job for her latest passion to find happiness. This is the reason she hasn't filed for divorce. When she asked me to leave I replied that she can literally go wherever she wanted. I'm stuck here due to work. She basically filed the protection order a right after that. She went through my phone and deleted our entire history then went straight to the police. I didn't see it coming at all. I definitely wasn't ready for the sex crime accusations. The distortion of character and weight of her allegations are enough to put my job at risk. In the protection order she claimed I was impeding her from leaving until she threatened to call the police. I couldn't believe how many lies she fit on the paper.

Anyhow the way the protection order works,  its basically I'm guilty until proven innocent. If she testified false allegations they would still arrest me because she's saying things "under oath ". The amount of power and weight false allegations have on my life are severely impeding and expensive. Luckily due to my character I have people on my side who know I wouldn't hurt a fly. My character and how I treat people is literally saving my friendships and job right now. The truth is I always put her happiness, her needs and safety before my own. Maybe too much which has landed me here.

I will say that throughout this process I've still been defending her and putting her first which is basically placing myself further in a bind. I'm worried about her well being while she's trying to destroy me. Even writing that out makes me feel dumb. My lawyer is suggesting I immediately file for divorce and sue her for defamation of character. He even said I could probably get alimony and get the money we have that should go towards the mortgage of our second home.  I told him I just want to have peace with her and I didn't want to take anything from her.

Our entire relationship she would question my love for her. It's sad to say only after things ended so abruptly that I understood why she questioned my love for her. I never wanted her money I just wanted her love. I needed it even. Now I'm trying to change that mindset to do what's best for me. It's a hard transition honestly.

[SinisterComplex]

I'm currently residing in Tennessee. Luckily her claims are pretty outlandish and without evidence so I haven't been arrested or charged. What she's accusing me of is enough to warrant a no contact order. I am not able to go within 1000 feet of my house or her at any time. Any attempt to break the order or contact her results in an immediate arrest.

The crazy part is she makes twice as much as me and works from home. She wants to use the benefits of my job for her latest passion to find happiness. This is the reason she hasn't filed for divorce. When she asked me to leave I replied that she can literally go wherever she wanted. I'm stuck here due to work. She basically filed the protection order a right after that. She went through my phone and deleted our entire history then went straight to the police. I didn't see it coming at all. I definitely wasn't ready for the sex crime accusations. The distortion of character and weight of her allegations are enough to put my job at risk. In the protection order she claimed I was impeding her from leaving until she threatened to call the police. I couldn't believe how many lies she fit on the paper.

Anyhow the way the protection order works,  its basically I'm guilty until proven innocent. If she testified false allegations they would still arrest me because she's saying things "under oath ". The amount of power and weight false allegations have on my life are severely impeding and expensive. Luckily due to my character I have people on my side who know I wouldn't hurt a fly. My character and how I treat people is literally saving my friendships and job right now. The truth is I always put her happiness, her needs and safety before my own. Maybe too much which has landed me here.

I will say that throughout this process I've still been defending her and putting her first which is basically placing myself further in a bind. I'm worried about her well being while she's trying to destroy me. Even writing that out makes me feel dumb. My lawyer is suggesting I immediately file for divorce and sue her for defamation of character. He even said I could probably get alimony and get the money we have that should go towards the mortgage of our second home.  I told him I just want to have peace with her and I didn't want to take anything from her.

Our entire relationship she would question my love for her. It's sad to say only after things ended so abruptly that I understood why she questioned my love for her. I never wanted her money I just wanted her love. I needed it even. Now I'm trying to change that mindset to do what's best for me. It's a hard transition honestly.

Yes the transition takes time and it won't be easy. However, you can do it. I am happy to hear you are ready to start choosing to do what is best for you. That should always be the case. Something I say to many people I help both here on the boards and in the real world...the hero gets zero! It sounds all great to be so noble and kind, but at the end of the day that just means you are giving people a license to S  on you. The unfortunate reality is that if you are too nice and kind people take advantage of it and will stretch it as far as they can. You always have to be willing to have confrontations and put people in their place as it pertains to you. You want to be respected before being liked. That is the mind set that takes some work to develop, but in the long run it is the mind set that will allow you to be happier.

Remember you matter. You can't always focus on everyone else's happiness and care or you will get left in the dust. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[chinchilla_dad]

I really feel for you.  My first BPD Got some assault charges to stick and ended up doing one month inside.  Also lost my Job and made my College degree Kind of worthless Because I was working To be in criminal justice At the time And I ended up with a record straight out of college.  Anyway I bounced back And met a girl that i ended up marrying After dating and being SUPER happy Through all my 20s.  Well it turns out she's got a quiet BPD and she just disappeared one day and never saw her again.  And thanks to good old New Jersey law Even though we were only married For less than a year and a half She gets half the house even though she's not on the deed.  And she gets half of my business. 

[HeWho]

I really feel for you.  My first BPD Got some assault charges to stick and ended up doing one month inside.  Also lost my Job and made my College degree Kind of worthless Because I was working To be in criminal justice At the time And I ended up with a record straight out of college.  Anyway I bounced back And met a girl that i ended up marrying After dating and being SUPER happy Through all my 20s.  Well it turns out she's got a quiet BPD and she just disappeared one day and never saw her again.  And thanks to good old New Jersey law Even though we were only married For less than a year and a half She gets half the house even though she's not on the deed.  And she gets half of my business. 

Wow I'm sorry to hear that. The laws are written so badly sometimes. I wish you could get out with everything you earned. Is there any way to fight that?

I remember my dad telling me that if I was married to my wife for a year or 2 more she would be entitled to a percentage of my petition when I retire. So if I retired as a CW3 or CW4 she would be able to get a pretty nice chunk of that every month.

[chinchilla_dad]

Fortunately I work for myself so I have to worry about the pension thing.  Basically the lawyer saying we need to try to find her first And then we'll figure out how to just make her go away.  Time will tell.  Thanks for your service.  I very strongly considered Going army warrant Back in the day