Just lost my Sht with mother again, feel ashamed.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have those dreams sometimes too.

[Notwendy]

I have those dreams sometimes too.

[Riv3rW0lf]

It's interesting ...

The first time I had one of those dreams were after my daughter was born.  In those dreams, I would target uBPDm.

Before that, I would have those dreams, but the target wasn't my mother, it was one of my father's girlfriend. I always considered her the reason why our relationship broke for some reasons. Now I know better... Although she still created a lot of issues between dad and me.

[lm1109]

Goldcrest-I am SO sorry to hear that this happened to you! I haven't posted in a while because I haven't found the strength to even begin to write out the amount of memories that have come up for me in the last months, however, reading your post made me feel really emotional. My experience was not the same, but I suppose sort of similar. Like you, it's something I'm just NOW able to really reflect upon and heal as well and I wanted to share.

My brother was almost 5 years older than me and had friends older than him. When I was about 15 one of his friends(who was in his mid 20s and a known alcoholic in our town) apparently came to our house to ask my Dad if he could take me out. My Dad, of course, told him no because I was 15! My mom, however, excitedly ran and told me this news as if she were a giddy schoolgirl! She told me how "cute" he was and basically told me how "LUCKY" I was that this "cute guy" (aka ADULT alcoholic MAN) had a crush on me! I was confused to say the least. Long story short this man molested me months later(although I only recently have labeled it as this) I believed it was my fault back then, because I had been frozen in fear physically and emotionally and I didn't understand what happened. Based on my mother's reaction to his "crush" on me, I wasn't even sure if I should be upset or happy that I had received the attention. Ultimately, I ignored that it had ever happened and made it a point to never be alone with this man again. However, because of my immaturity and lack of ANY sexual experience at that age, I do know it affected me. When I was around 20 years old this memory surfaced and I told my mother about it. Her response was to tell me that she remembered ME having a crush on HIM, essentially telling me it was MY fault that he did what he did.

I have been NC with my sick parents since Thanksgiving and have no desire to have any further contact. Interestingly enough my last straw was a delusional email she sent to me in response to my standing up for myself about her last abusive outburst. In this email she told me that all of the family issues are my fault because I was raped.The rape she is talking about is a date rape that I endured at age 18. I, of course, now understand that I was vulnerable to these abuses as a child/teen because I was already being abused in my home and that NONE of it was MY fault! I honestly don't know if parents like ours "don't know any better" or if it's more sinister. What I do know now is that WE should NOT be carrying the shame...it is not ours to carry! I've accepted that my parents will never "see" me or any of the pain that they've caused. I recently realized in therapy that they have caused such deep wounds that may take a lifetime to heal and these wounds/incidences don't even EXIST to them...they just simply don't exist...and they never will! I don't understand everything and I suppose I don't have much advice either... I just wanted to say you're not alone and you are SO strong! Processing is painful work! I'm just now realizing that doing it is for ME to drop the burdens to move on...it's no longer about me trying to make sense out of the nonsense that I call my childhood! Therapy and inner child meditations have helped me a lot. I've been very focused lately on giving myself the love that I've always deserved. I am becoming my own parent and best friend and I hope you can do the same for yourself! Sending you many hugs!

[Goldcrest]

lm1109 I want to say thank you so much for sharing with me and I am just so sorry that you have been through what you have and the double pain of it being gas lighted. You are a survivor. It is really helpful to me to hear your thoughts and feelings around what you have been through. It validates some of my confusion and shame.

I'm looking at group work with women who have been sexually abused because where I am now in my life (nearly 50) I can see it has had a devastating effect on my ability experience intimacy of any level. I feel I am dirty. I also feel so different to other people that I am easily triggered to feel shame. I tend to stay on the periphery of "normal life". I have made a lot of progress in terms of valuing myself when I am alone and enjoy my own company but I know I long for a connection to others.  I also know the sexual abuse I experienced and my mothers continued hold on me, has wrecked my marriage. I know a lot LOL but I want to start healing and moving forwards now, to build a life which is more connected. I like who I am when alone but when I "see" myself in relation to others I start to feel I am less.

thank you again and lots of hugs to you.

[lm1109]

Thank you Goldcrest, and wow, when you said
" I tend to stay on the periphery of "normal life" that REALLY resonated with me. I know what you mean about valuing yourself when alone but struggling to connect with others. I just told my therapist that I know who I am, I just can't seem be her out in the world. I guess it makes sense because I was never allowed to be her and I suppose I'm also still afraid... I don't know if I'm afraid of just judgement or maybe more abuse? I am able to be myself with my kids and husband but I really struggle outside of my house and with anyone else. Im 34 and I guess I assumed that I would just figure out how to have intimate friendships someday...but it just never happened. We have friends of the family(my husbands friends) that we get together with and other parents we are friendly with..but I really struggle to be close with anyone. It was pretty easy to hide when my kids were little because I was a stay at home mom and my life was all about them but I'm recognizing how lonely it's been trying to do life alone! I'm actually looking into the same sort of support groups. I think I also need to connect with other women who understand abuse because I just always feel like I don't fit in with "normal" people(or at least thats what I tell myself) I hope you find the right group for you and I wish you lots of healing...you deserve it

[Riv3rW0lf]

I am able to be myself with my kids and husband but I really struggle outside of my house and with anyone else. Im 34 and I guess I assumed that I would just figure out how to have intimate friendships someday...but it just never happened.

It's interesting. My problem tends to be the contrary. I open too much, too fast. And not everyone is comfortable with that. It pushes people away. I don't do it in a bad way, nor do I talk about my abuse but I just can't really stand small talk, and I can be brutally honest, sometimes about "taboo subject". I practiced small talk a lot though the past two years and I improved, but it still bored me to death. But I learned the hard way, not everyone can stand an "open person".

I have two close friends... I barely see them though, we live too far away now. We just talk on the phone. Those were the only two that opened back to me and confided deep things to me. I kept them secret and we have been friends ever since. We talk about us...

Maybe you are not the issue, maybe you just haven't met people like you yet, that want real connection.

Many people out there have superficial connections or have already filled their quotas. That's how it felt to me anyway... Like they didn't have the time to add another friend to their list...