This finally makes sense

[TheRedPill]

My son is thirty five years old. Just writing that brings on so many feelings feelings of guilt. Like, how could I be in denial for so long.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Welcome, TheRedPill -- so glad you reached out.

This is a place for you and your own journey without judgment. It's never too late to have the courage to want to change, to make things better.

You must have put some pieces together recently about your son. What are some of the behaviors he has and traits he exhibits that are challenging and have made you dig deeper to understand?

Write back whatever is comfortable, whenever works for you.

-kells76

[TheRedPill]

Wow, not sure what happened there! I wrote a whole 5 paragraph diatribe about my son's history verbally assaulting our family since his teenage years. For some reason only the first two sentences posted. Anyway: He's been arrested for not knowing when to stop arguing with the police. He blows up over the tiniest slights from anyone ... the whole world is conspiring to disrespect him in his view. He's never physically hurt anyone, but he has no problem crowding a person's space and making them feel like they might be in some type of danger. The worst part is that he cannot ever see that he is wrong. It's always someone else's fault that he has problems in his life (relationship, employment, housing ... you name it, he's always managing a crisis).
Through his teen years I thought he was having normal teen rebellion issues, so I thought discipline, patience and love would do it. Then in his twenties I was just in denial, always wanting to believe that he was immature yet would eventually grow out of it. Well, I waited too long. When he approached 30 I started to realized that he had mental health issues and not simply behavior issues ... now he refuses therapy because he doesn't believe that anything is wrong with him (there's something wrong with all of the rest of us).
I just recently found "Stop Walking on Eggshells" ... and for the first time in decades I feel hopeful. Hopeful that I might be able to final set some boundaries and manage my own life.

[kells76]

I'm so glad you found "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and that you came out of reading it with a sense of hope. Knowing that you don't have to just keep living this way forever... must be a weight off of your shoulders.

All of this sounds so familiar:

He blows up over the tiniest slights from anyone

the whole world is conspiring to disrespect him

he cannot ever see that he is wrong

It's always someone else's fault that he has problems in his life

(just highlighting the whole thing... so accurate)

he's always managing a crisis

he refuses therapy because he doesn't believe that anything is wrong with him (there's something wrong with all of the rest of us)

Yes, yes, and yes.

While I'm not a medical or mental health professional, all these facets of behavior are like a "connect the dots" puzzle, and when you draw the lines to connect them, it's like "aha! now I see the full picture" which sure looks like a personality disorder -- a pervasive and entrenched way of seeing the world and having relationships that is chaotic, dysfunctional, immature, and hurtful, with extreme emotions that are poorly managed.

Can I ask, is he living with you at the moment?

What's your level of supporting him tangibly? Anything from "nothing, he's an adult who is responsible for his own life" through "insurance and gas money" through "he lives at home and we feed him" through whatever.

Knowing the level of involvement you have in his life can help us help you in your new quest to set some boundaries and "take back the steering wheel" of your own life.

While your new journey may be very difficult at times, it is possible to come out of it with your self respect and a sense of knowing that while you've done everything you can for your adult child, you are making different choices and allowing your son to make his own, too.

Keep us posted on how you're doing;

kells76

[TheRedPill]

So, there is such a long, long story pertaining to how we have supported him. He lived at home initially, but the threats of violence were just too much and he left early. He was married to his high school girlfriend (I hesitate to call her a highschool sweetheart because the relationship was toxic and he abused her verbally & emotionally). When he was twenty and she nineteen they had my granddaughter (she's fifteen now). During their marriage he drifted from one job to another (usually people just didn't want to deal with him), sometimes not working for long periods (though in his re-telling of the story he was self-employed, when everyone else remembers long stretches of him getting lost in video games).
They moved in with us briefly but one day he got into a really bad argument with my daughter (he was 24, she was 16) because she wasn't respecting him properly. My husband and I weren't home but when we returned he was being arrested and there were 5 sheriff cars at our house. He didn't "exactly" touch her, but she was intimidated enough to call the police and when they arrived the situation only escalated.
My daughter-in-law worked full time a lot but they were both in and out of college so their finances were never stable. My husband and I did help some (as well as her parents) but after the third time they were evicted her parents relented fully and allowed them to move into their home. This was a move I know they regretted because they would go on to support my son for six years, while enduring some of the worst treatment because they did not want to see their daughter and granddaughter homeless.
When my granddaughter was in middle school, my son finally got a job in construction (this was about 5 years ago) and they moved into a place of their own, but not before some very bad blow-ups with his in-laws and with members of our family. His relationship with my daughter-in-law was also very rocky as she had been trying to split for years (which is I think what lit a fire under him to finally try to really work). After some very public embarrassments, she had had enough and so they split. For the last time, he moved home with us. By this time it was just my husband and me (we have three other adult children, and the BP is the oldest), so we thought with just the three of us maybe we can manage and I could convince him to get help. That lasted for one month. There was a blow up and he stormed out (I followed begging him not to leave in the middle of winter). He slept in his car for a few days and then on a friend's couch. (that was four years ago)
After that, he was going through a depression but actually did take care of himself financially for two years (although we gave him a car and paid the insurance). He had an apartment, job, and worked out a lot. He was grieving the loss of his marriage and was suffering some depression, but it's so crazy, like he switched to an inward acting BP. He was quiet, withdrawn, but still refused to get therapy. He also became a vegan and lost like 60 pounds. He still had the "tantrums" but not as often ... or maybe it was just that he wasn't interacting with people as often.
Then, two years ago, he met another woman. This woman was enamored with him like his ex was (addicted to the crazy). She's sweet, but has some problems of her own. Anyway, long story short, before you knew it ... he can't hold a job again. We've been helping financially for the past two years, but couldn't just take care of a whole other household. She had children from a previous marriage .. AND she and my son just had a baby a week ago (I have a new granddaughter to protect). They are homeless. I just paid for them to be in a hotel for a month because they needed somewhere to bring the baby.
My husband and I have paid thousands of dollars over the past few months trying to help but it's like playing a game of whack-a-mole! We just can't keep up.
The latest bit of drama (it's happening daily now) is that they are now splitting up because he blew up on her, crowding b her personal space and she is afraid that it is only a matter of time before he is physically violent. I'm at a complete loss