She has COVID and preventing a surprise visit

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

Update and question. My estranged wife texted me yesterday that she has COVID, looking for sympathy, but this also devolved to: Why don't you want to talk to me? It seemed like if I returned you'd be the same, but you seem different now, etc.

1.) What's her goal with this COVID announcement? Is she just looking for sympathy?

2.) Our lease expires in about 1 month, I will renew without her. I'm worried that between now and then she might make a surprise appearance. Whether we reconcile or not, I don't want a surprise appearance for many reasons.

Is the recent increase in contact, looking for sympathy, etc, a foreshadowing/testing the waters for showing up? If I ignore her OR tell her she can't come back, she is likely to just show up (she's done this to many people over the years). If I am too engaged, she is likely to realize I'm the only one she has left and show up. So... what do I do?

She is in another state and has filed for divorce months ago but not served me.

[WhatToDo47]

Hi,

Update and question. My estranged wife texted me yesterday that she has COVID, looking for sympathy, but this also devolved to: Why don't you want to talk to me? It seemed like if I returned you'd be the same, but you seem different now, etc.

1.) What's her goal with this COVID announcement? Is she just looking for sympathy?

2.) Our lease expires in about 1 month, I will renew without her. I'm worried that between now and then she might make a surprise appearance. Whether we reconcile or not, I don't want a surprise appearance for many reasons.

Is the recent increase in contact, looking for sympathy, etc, a foreshadowing/testing the waters for showing up? If I ignore her OR tell her she can't come back, she is likely to just show up (she's done this to many people over the years). If I am too engaged, she is likely to realize I'm the only one she has left and show up. So... what do I do?

She is in another state and has filed for divorce months ago but not served me.

[BigOof]

I doubt there's much thought to it. Probably likes playing the victim and making you look bad when you don't comply with her needs for validation.

I like your use of the word "estranged." Your language is becoming distancing. Keep it going!

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey-

The first thing you do is change the deadbolts on your home doors immediately.  No question about that, right?  And if you are set on staying where you currently live, then ask to renew your lease individually now, a month early. 

If she’s not immersed in appropriate therapy at this moment, she will not be ready to reconcile as a functional married partner in a month.  How *I* see this is that you don’t have marital issues, your wife has deep core issues.  You know this, I think.  Communication tools only go so far, but they generally won’t stop her destructive violence.  And left unaddressed, that will cost you more than you ever thought possible, my friend.

I’m not sure what is meant by “she has filed for divorce months ago but not served me”...

Does that mean she filled out paperwork but told her attorney to sit on it?  Or was she just SAYING she filed to simply measure your reaction?

If you want to take more decisive action and TRULY want to take control of this situation and put the brakes on any surprise returns to your home, then YOU file.  Now.  She’ll get enraged for sure and pretty well guaranteed she’ll blow up at you.  But the upside is that action on YOUR part should give you the time you want and NEED to really consider what is best for you.  You’ve really got to dig in and understand why her behavior has been “acceptable” to you.  And why you’d be willing to have a child with her considering these behaviors.  You have to know the dangers of her leaving WITH your baby (ies).  There are so many awful stories here of very disordered BPD/NPD partners taking off and disappearing unannounced with young children.

You can always withdraw any filing later.

As far as her COVID diagnosis goes- you’ve been actively engaging in dialogue with her, so why wouldn’t she tell you?  She contacts you to GET FROM you.  Whatever she can.  More time, attention, sympathy, money, apologies... not to give to you.  Anything she gives is to get.  That’s been my experience, so I’m very biased at this point - 25.5 years of it.  And until she does extensive therapy and true self-reflection, she will stay this way.  And so will you as long as you accept the memories of how things were when you first met as “good enough”.

Soon you’ll be at fault for the fact she caught the virus - if you hadn’t “FORCED” her to leave your home, she wouldn’t have caught the virus.  GET that?

My friend, I know this is a difficult and confusing time for you.  It’s also an important crossroads for you.  And she has exhibited some dangerous behaviors that you may wish to brush aside in hopes of reconciliation.  More than words. 

I am sorry, please know that.  My words probably feel harsh and I don’t mean them to be.  I lied to myself for too many years.  I just cannot do that here.

I keep saying this... you cannot love her to wellness.

Your thoughts?

Hugs,
Gemsforeyes

[WhatToDo47]

I doubt there's much thought to it. Probably likes playing the victim and making you look bad when you don't comply with her needs for validation.

I like your use of the word "estranged." Your language is becoming distancing. Keep it going!

Thank you, I think you’re probably right. Estranged is a word I picked up from my lawyer. It’s helping

[WhatToDo47]

Hi gems,

I want to change the deadbolts, but I don’t have a way of doing it without her being notified, so it doesn’t seem worth stirring the pot. She doesn’t have a key, but the office does have to let her in if she shows up. However, my lawyer said to call him and the police if she shows up, as she has moved her things out and changed her address with the post office. Regardless, a situation I’d like to avoid. The leasing office said that I have to wait until next month to renew, but that they will help me get her off and handle the communication.

You are right that she has deep core issues, I’ve always known that, just not how deep and severe. I am worried about the destructive violence, especially because she doesn’t seem to comprehend how it affects others/that there’s anything unusual about it.

Regarding the divorce, I’m able to see she filed on 12/7, but no one has notified me (I looked it up).

The behavior was acceptable before because it was much less severe and never directed towards me, I foolishly thought I was somehow immune. I am very terrified that she would take off with the dog, and that’s a dog. If that happened with children, I would be devastated.

My current plan is to have my lawyer contact hers and find out what the status actually is, not what my BPDw thinks it is, as her sense of reality is… unreliable.

I think you’re right about the COVID diagnosis, and I can 100% see her twisting it that way.

No need to apologize for your words! Your wisdom and honest, objective perspective is exactly what I need.

More than anything, I am realizing you are right, I can’t love her to wellness, and my love is slowly morphing into a healthy fear of the danger she represents.

I am determined to rid my life of this chaos, toxicity, and danger, I thought it would be by reconciliation, but it’s becoming clearer what I need to do as time goes on and I learn more.

Thank you, truly.

[ForeverDad]

Hmm... Pondering your least bad options...

Why does anyone have to handle notifying her?  Maybe the lawyer has reasons, but if the lease is ending, she's not around, then you sign a new lease, yourself only.  After all, you can't sign a lease to include her without her signing too.  I mean, do you have to give her, essentially, a heads up to return after she's moved out?  Why?

Covid is a viral infection.  It is reported to last up to a week.  If a person is ill after that, then that's an indication not so much an extended infection but that the immunity is weak and the body is starting to overreact to the impact of the virus.*  Some have termed it a cytokine storm, the body was triggered into overreaction.  The longer the overreaction, the more damage to the body (lungs, heart, etc).  It has been reported that people with low Vitamin D levels may be more likely to be hospitalized.  Problem is, it takes a couple weeks of adding that daily along with other vitamins and minerals in order for levels to improve.  (That's the advantage to being proactive, don't wait to get sick before trying to prepare for exposure.)

She's young and probably doesn't have too many risk factors, so she should recover in a week or so.  Though she's likely to exaggerate its impact on her.

* As a generic example, cholera was a deadly scourge in past centuries.  However, the reality was virtually no one died of the bacteria itself, the body would develop a resistance eventually.  The deadly problem was that the victims were vomiting and having severe diarrhea.  They didn't die of the infection itself, they died of dehydration, the dire result of the symptoms.  Today doctors know how to keep the patients hydrated - and alive - until the body's immune system kicks in.

[WhatToDo47]

Apparently, the apartment complex’s policy is to notify her that it’s being renewed without her. I’m not sure if that’s state law or policy, I’ll look into it.

Thanks for the COVID info as well, I’m not worried about her health, she will recover, just more if this will be the catalyst for her next major breakdown. Something will, as she’s beginning to sputter there.