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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Daughter was just diagnosed with BPD, and I feel guilty and sad.  (Read 456 times)
linker
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« on: January 27, 2022, 02:06:16 PM »

My daughter was just diagnosed with BPD while away at college.We knew that she had some issues growing up, but nothing this serious.

Furthermore, I met my wife while in college. She told me that she had depression in the past, but not the extent of her illness. We got married and had a son. Things were going fine until my wife got pregnant with our daughter. She barely ate during the pregnancy and she was severely depressed. Our daughter was born healthy, but my wife was hospitalized shortly after her birth with major depression. Later, I learned that she was hospitalized several times before we met for self harm. She was never diagnosed with BPD, but some therapists wondered if she had this disorder.

My wife is healthy now for several years, but much of the kids younger years were filled with mom being taken away and put in the hospital. The separation seemed especially hard on our daughter. When mom was home, she stayed in her bedroom a lot and rejected the kids. I took over and did most of the child care and we tried to function normally as a family despite more stress with a very sick mom. At times it was overwhelming, but what motivated me was the fact that I could make a difference in the health of my children.

My son is healthy, but I feel so sad and guilty that I failed my daughter. When I talk to my son, he is thankful for all of the things that I have done for our family over the years and he says I’m not to blame. My daughter tells me that she hates me. I feel guilty that I probably invalidated her at times when she acted out in our household and we needed to set more boundaries with her.

I guess that my question is how do you move forward as a parent feeling that you failed your child? Thanks for any help.




« Last Edit: January 27, 2022, 02:14:33 PM by linker » Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Weathering Highs
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2


« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2022, 02:44:25 PM »

Linker,
Parent guilt is one of the strongest and most destructive forces there is. It can tear you down and make you rethink every single action you ever did, every thought and everything you ever said.  For me, I found the best way to move forward from it is to consider this-
The things you did that you question now, did you do them for the sole purpose of hurting your child? Did you do these things knowing and not caring that they may cause trauma?
If you didn’t not purposely hurt your child then more the likely you were doing your best to survive, you were adapting and struggling, you had to find coping mechanisms that allowed you to also go on. We can’t be 100% what our kids need in life but if we give 100% of what we can of ourselves then there is not way to find more than that.
Hope this helps and I have not confused you or made you feel worse. Know you are not alone.
Weathering Highs
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RobertX

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 30


« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2022, 01:39:52 AM »

Hello Linker

I think the feeling of constant guilt is one of the worst aspects of the whole thing...My wife and I recently enrolled with a family therapist and so far it appears to be helping.  Our 20 year old has has BPD and it's taken us about three years to finally work out how to approach it.  Blaming ourselves, or him for the BPD isnt going to work.  Doing nothing and hoping it goes away also wont work.  You need help along the way.  It looks like tackling BPD is a team sport.  We are in it for the long run at the same time as trying to make sure the rest of the family also live their best lives.  Not easy and we have no solution as yet.  Things that are helping...re-programming how we speak with our son using validation and empathy (see the video on this site), seeking help through a family therapist for us and supporting our son (who lives at college) to get help - meds, therapy etc.  Guilt has no place in making things better...but in dark or low times it comes crashing in.  Good luck  - this group may well be part of the process for improving things...
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linker
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« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2022, 04:39:12 AM »

Thank you for the above 2 posts. Guilt is a very destructive force and I have been rethinking the past a lot. My wife and I are educating ourselves on the disorder so that we can set boundaries and better help our daughter with her illness. Counseling is also a good idea for us to learn better coping skills. I did watch the video on empathy and validation and that was very helpful.

Looking back, I did give 100% especially when the kids were younger when mom was so sick. Nothing was ever done to purposely hurt the children.

What helped me greatly was talking to my son recently who said that I shouldn’t feel guilty as it’s not my fault. He appreciated all that I did for the family over the years with mom so sick. My daughter would say the opposite that I was an awful parent. Mistakes were made as we should have set better boundaries and not bailed her out of situations so much.

Thanks again for the responses and good luck with your families!



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