It's been a long time since I have posted. I have been in the process of separating from my ex wife with uBPD for almost 2 years now. In the beginning I was really struggling with false accusations, restraining orders, being separated from my children for nearly 8 months etc. Essentially it was like living in the twilight zone. In the last 2 years I have been going through some of my own journey as well. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and in progress going through an Autism diagnosis as well. In short I was not the easiest person to live with either. But I did love my wife and family a great deal. I just had a hard time expressing it as I don't pick up on social queues very well.
Not sure what is going on this week but had some old photos pop up in memories of my family all together. Before my ex completely changed personalities, interests turned into a new person. I've always known there was something off with our relationship. I was always regulating her emotions even before I knew what BPD was. But we had a good stretch of years where we made it work. (even though I would see episodes her her splitting other individuals out of our life).
Anyhow, however we got here feeling like if I knew more about myself and how to advocate for my needs earlier in the relationship we might not have fell so far. I know her BPD stems from some childhood trama and I am just sad to see what we had go away.
Although after what has since happened I could never ever go back under any circumstances as there would be way to much resentment am still crying today for what we once had.
I am in therapy and I have way more good days than bad but this whole getting better thing is definitely not happening in a straight line.
ObsoleatSN, so the most important thing for you to do is to not set heavy expectations on yourself. Grieving doesn't happen in a straight line. In truth, for most it is messy and there really isn't much you can do about it. All you can do is be aware, let your emotions happen, process, and move forward. Do not under any circumstances clam up or try to suppress...that only prolongs the hard feelings and stunts the healing process.
It isn't necessarily going to be easy, but you are going to get through this and you will be okay. In time you may yet still be happier in the long run and may be able to make yourself stronger and a better version of you if want it to be so.
Cheers and best wishes!
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