Small victory

[Husband2014]

Hello - wanted to share a small success story in hopes it may help others. While it won’t fix or radically change anything it really uplifted me today that some of the tools written about here do work if you are willing to put in the emotional effort into it.

My wife has BPD and can become extremely hostile when triggered. We were planning a weekend getaway for us and our 2 kids (4 and 8 months).  I woke up not feeling great and wants to take an hour nap which absolutely triggered her about being overwhelmed with the kids alone, etc.. of course I was with the kids from 5 to 9 while letting her rest didn’t register with her one bit thay I could use the break.  I kinda got grumpy (which I shouldn’t have) and she finally gave me the “I’m not going go alone” line. In the past I would have gotten down on my knees and begged which made things only worse.

This time I said that’s fine (apologized heavily for being grumpy) and told her I’ll just take our son and go for the weekend and she can stay with our daughter. She said it’s fine so I packed him and I and left. 20 min into me leaving the house the messages started about how I won’t be able to handle him and I should bring him back and I’m being selfless and should just go alone.  Of course this is classic retaliation for a boundary so I held tight and decided not to waver and in the nicest way possible told her I’ll turn around if she decided to come or I’m not coming back and I will enjoy the weekend with our son who was absolutely stoked to go to the beach. Fast forward 90 min of charming I held my ground and she said she will come. I turned around and picked her up and her behavior improved 90% (some usual whining of course but nothing explosive).

This may have been the first time in 6 years I was able pull something off like that. I have learned about BPD about 2-4 month ago and have been trying to educate myself and finally got a result. I realize tomorrow she may completely come unglued again but I believe I consistently handle these rants calmly it will get better.

So anyways part of me just want to share for me as it helps writing it out and the other part I hope this gives someone else hope like these topics often do for me. This place is like my secret family.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Good work 

[alterK]

Yeah, congrats! Realistically, we take baby steps, knowing that there's no magic formula that will fix everything in one great Poof. There is sadness in acceptance of this, but we also gain strength to get on with our lives.

[NonnyMouse]

You only learned about BPD a few month ago? You are a quick learner! Well done. It won't always be that successful and you'll have setbacks, but just get back up on the horse!

[thankful person]

Well done it sounds like you handled that really well. I love finding this secret family too. You may have all saved my marriage. I actually had a similar incident a couple of weeks ago. My wife didn’t want me sitting next to her on the sofa so asked me to move and I said I’d go and do some washing up. Which I did. And she starts shouting how I always want to get away from her, and if I don’t come back immediately she’ll cancel our upcoming trip. I didn’t really believe she would.. like duh you’d think I’d never met anyone with bpd before. Anyway I refused to come back in the room until I was ready. Turns out she had cancelled the trip. I was like, “ok” and I said it was ridiculous but left it at that and got on with my day. The following day she got in touch with the holiday home owner again to rebook it!

[Husband2014]

You only learned about BPD a few month ago? You are a quick learner! Well done. It won't always be that successful and you'll have setbacks, but just get back up on the horse!

Yes, I’ve been reading and watching everything and anything I can put my hands on. I’ve known for at least a year there is something off until finally about 3-4 months ago the therapist we have been working with and a psychiatrist pretty much said she has it.  It has been a battle but my biggest lesson learned is “choose your response which will decide your life”. I’m not perfect and lose it a lot and frequently wonder why my life turned that way but I have 2 kids and I control 50-60% of this and we have started slowly finding pockets of happiness. Long way to go but it can be done.