Emotionally drained after a rollercoaster relationship. BPD?

[MrWobblytickle]

Hey all hope you're well.

I am 30 and I have been seeing this 26 year old
girl since August 2019. Her good points are she is very generous when it comes to gifts (not that I expect her to be so) and is extremely affectionate and is somewhat child like sometimes in her behaviours in a kind of cutesy way. E.g using a child like voice and wanting cuddles etc.

The other side of her is the opposite. I have lost count of the amount of times she has broke up with me or made arguments just happen. From 2019 August to January 2020 I can remember 5 or 6 times she randomly pushed me away but always had an explanation for it. We moved in together from July 2020 to February 2021. We got on most of the time but she would threaten to pack her things and leave at least once a week or every other week. She moved out about a year ago. Her behaviours got too much and if I called her out on the leaving she would get upset and say I am kicking her out.

I reached back out and we started seeing each other again. From March 2021 till late January 2022. Again over that period of time lots of dramas and her breaking things off with me. She did it again last week. Her reasoning being because I won't let her move back in and she wants a child in the future and I am scared to have one with her due to her instability and changing her mind about me regularly.

If I try to tell her that her behaviours are the issue she just comes back at me saying it is because I did or said something. She never takes responsibility for her behaviour. I have pointed out to her that it feels like a cycle. Everything is fine and she is calling me her soulmate and that she wants to be together forever. Then often a few days later she is criticsing me and saying we are different and that she wants to find someone else or that I am a horrible person. That has happened countless times. She also keeps a checklist in her head of things I have said or done that she doesn't like and then in arguments she will bring it all up and use it against me.

She was also irrationally jealous a few times. She thought a barmaid fancied me and just because I spoke to this barmaid for about a minute while she was making the drinks my girlfriend gave me the silent treatment and left without saying anything after finishing her drink and then wanted to breakup. She also accused me of sleeping with some of my female friends when I never did.

The cycle of being told I am her soulmate and that she loves me and then not long after that being suddenly the opposite is extremely exhausting emotionally. I keep coming back to her though. I feel like I can't just walk away. Each time the result is the same. It goes well for a while and then she breaks things off suddenly or has a go at me. I have lost count of the amount times last year and even a few times this year where is coming to get her stuff that she still has at my place.

She is coming this Saturday to take her things and I have made no effort to try and fight it this time. I just feel so drained. I can't bring myself to allow her to move back in knowing she will say she is leaving once a week and also she only wanted to move back in since her rent went up a lot. Also having a child with her would be a mistake I feel.

My friend studies psychology and I have told him everything that she has said and done since I have known her and he thinks it is likely she has BPD. From what research I have done it does sound like she has. I just feel like no matter what I say or do I can't win.

Thank you for reading. I could list all the details of the times I remember this happening but this post would never end.

[Biggus]

She is coming this Saturday to take her things and I have made no effort to try and fight it this time. I just feel so drained. I can't bring myself to allow her to move back in knowing she will say she is leaving once a week and also she only wanted to move back in since her rent went up a lot. Also having a child with her would be a mistake I feel.

My friend studies psychology and I have told him everything that she has said and done since I have known her and he thinks it is likely she has BPD. From what research I have done it does sound like she has. I just feel like no matter what I say or do I can't win.

Hello MrWobblytickle!  She sounds like one, though it's not really essential to correctly identify her core problem. More important to you is to identify how you feel about yourself in that relationship.

In my experience people who are irrationally jealous project their own insecurities. They realize that they can't really trust themselves to say no if the situation is tempting enough, so they fear you might cheat them just like they might cheat you.

Splitting is draining, it's really hard to grow tough enough skin to handle it. Being blamed or suspected of something you haven't done, or that after a certain point everything is your fault, then constant leaving and break up threats. This happens always just after you had enough time to feel a little hopeful again.

I could list all the details of the times I remember this happening but this post would never end.

I bet. Think you might be dodging a bullet here, so stay strong. You're smart to not want children with her. You are tired, you need time and space to get yourself and your energy back.