Just turned 50 & only just recognised my Mum has BPD & it’s controlled my life

[Wend A]

Wow! Recommended by a friend I just read walking on eggshells for an entirely different reason & was taken aback to be either or yelling YES or crying for most of it to unexpectedly recognise my Mum has BPD.  I love her dearly but her Behaviour has sadly, controlled & ruined my life and left me insecure with zero self worth.  I’m hoping to try and find a way to work  on that and move forward.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sure you will find there are lots of ressources on this website and many wise and knowledgeable people. Although we are all trying to heal and figure things out, it helps to know we are not alone in this.

[Turkish]

Hi Wend A,



I'm glad that you found us!

How has your mother controlled and ruined your life? Are you still in contact? We'd love to hear more on how best we can support you.

Turkish

[Goldcrest]

Welcome Wendy A, I too am nearly 50 and have found the support here has really helped me to slowly separate from my mother. Knowing you are not alone in your experiences and that others here "get it", is really validating.

[Wend A]

Thank you!

I’m only just realising how damaging her BPD has been & struggling to process it all.  Since a child I learnt to deny my own emotions/needs due to how irrationally she behaves/reacts.  I’ve spent my life with zero self confidence, no self esteem, feeling unworthy and feeling generally “guilty/to blame” almost the entire time…..  this has lead to an inability to set boundaries (as my needs aren’t relevant), broken relationships & until recently, never realising I am entitled to my own emotions. I’ve never remotely reached my potential or pursued/explored what actually makes me happy.   My beloved dad developed Parkinson’s & hasn’t really known who I am for a few years now….. “loosing” him in this way has removed the “buffer” between myself & mum and she is now more of an emotional black hole than ever :-(

I only realised this week that all along she has had BPD…. I’m hoping this new awakening and reading through others experiences will help me deal with the guilt & self loathing I’ve had my entire life x

[pursuingJoy]

Wend A, really proud of you! You're already well on the long road to healing. I admire your courage.

I’ve never remotely reached my potential or pursued/explored what actually makes me happy. 

Do you have any plans to pursue and explore what makes you happy?

 My beloved dad developed Parkinson’s & hasn’t really known who I am for a few years now….. “loosing” him in this way has removed the “buffer” between myself & mum and she is now more of an emotional black hole than ever

My mother in law has BPD, and my husband has felt the full weight of her need since her husband died. She is a lot to manage and I see it bearing down on him. I really feel for him.

You talked about boundaries. What does that look like for you these days?

[Wend A]

Thank you soo much !

I’m struggling to navigate my way around replying to messages here & finding it very confusing!

I want to pursue what makes me happy but in all honesty, don’t even know what that it a I spend my entire life avoiding conflict & being a people pleaser.

Sorry about you mother in law, they’re a notoriously difficult relationship to begin with!  And yes, full weight bearing down sounds so very familiar.  I’m so pleased I found this group & finally realise it’s not me & I’m certainly not responsible.  Although whilst “knowing” this, 50yrs of believing it will take some unravelling!

My boundaries…. To be honest, still look the same,  invisible/non-existent/broken almost instantly!   It’s literally only within the past few weeks I’ve recognised the BPD in my mum, and also my ex-partner of 16yrs.  I’ve actually been oddly Ill for s couple of weeks….Almost like the burden of responsibility has been shifted & I’ve collapsed as I’m so used to carrying it.  I’m utterly exhausted & ache all over (so much so I’ve even done covid tests every few days to rule that out!).

xxx

[zachira]

You are in the company of many members who post on PSI who have come to a heartbreaking juncture in their lives realizing that their mother has BPD and how negatively this has affected their own lives. Having a mother with BPD is a lifelong sorrow. My mother with BPD has passed away. There is hope in that with time and awareness, you can develop a more independent life from your mother in which you are happier than you have ever been while still recognizing how having a mother with BPD has affected you.

[pursuingJoy]

I’m struggling to navigate my way around replying to messages here & finding it very confusing!

It took me a while to learn how to reply on this site. Looks like you're doing great! Let us know if you're having trouble with something in particular.

If you want to reply directly to a statement made my someone else, like I did above, hit the 'excerpt' button. The person's entire message will appear in your reply. You can delete the parts of their message that you don't want, just make sure to leave the first and last parts so that it appears as a quote, example below...

First part: [ quote author=Wend A link=topic=352061.msg1316 5896#msg1316 5896 date=164474 2348 ]

Person's comments.

Last part: [ /quote  ]

What you're doing is great, but if you want, give this a try. It took me a few times to figure it out.

I’ve actually been oddly Ill for s couple of weeks….Almost like the burden of responsibility has been shifted & I’ve collapsed as I’m so used to carrying it.  I’m utterly exhausted & ache all over (so much so I’ve even done covid tests every few days to rule that out!).

Totally understandable. Our bodies remember. Sometimes our bodies understand what's happening before we consciously grasp it. Get some rest and take care of yourself.

Do you live close to your mom? How often do you see her?

[beatricex]

hi Wend A,
Welcome to this safe place where we get it.

I am also turning the big 5-0 this year...aint it fun?  Love the hot flashes and oh boy menopause and weight gain (Belly fat ugh) and hormone therapy, aint it great?

About your mom and the exhaustion you're feeling.  When you finally let something big like this go, it's a relief, but it can really bring up a lot of mixed feelings.  My advice:  let the feelings wash over you, really experience them, don't try to stop it, let it all out, cry or scream or clunch your hands and release them over and over, whatever it is you gotta do.  Physically, release those feelings!  I mean they have been bottled up inside for quite awhile, right?  Let all those feelings out: confusion, relief, anger, joy, sadness, shame, whatever it is you're feeling.  That is called grief.  It's the grief of letting go of a mother you never had.

Once you get all those feelings out, once you honor all of them, heck ya, you're going to be exhausted. 

Thanks for coming here, you are honoring yourself just doing that.  Hold onto that little girl you that always knew "something is not right here" but couldn't name it - but now?  holy cow there's a name for this S*IT!"    and nurture and care for her, cause she needs you.

 
b

[Methuen]

Hi Wend A

Processing that your mom has BPD is going to come with a lot of mixed feelings - relief, shock, maybe even  joy (that “it’s not you”).  But it can also come with frustration, anger (on all that’s been lost), and certainly confusion.  Like others have said, it’s really important to let yourself feel them all.  It helps to speed up both the processing and the healing.  Boxing, punching yeast dough to bake bread, or beating a pillow with a stick (or a baseball bat) can all help with the anger part. I also take time to smell the roses and notice beautiful things and helpful people.  Mindfulness really helps.

Sounds like a lot of people here are nearly 50.  Ya’all figured it out before me ‘cause I’m nearly 60!  I’m an only child , retired, and living in the same town as my 85 year old physically and mentally decrepit uBPD mom.  Saying she got worse as she aged is a gross understatement.  She’s defiant, negative, and self-sabatoging.  I’ve tried to help, but at the end of the day they are who are they are and there is nothing I can do to change that. It’s been a 2 1/2 year process to untangle myself from her (since I landed on this forum).  She’s now gone completely irrational from being partly irrational.  I have come out of retirement and returned to work as a rather dire way of setting a clear and objective boundary with her.  Every day I am feeling more hopeful as I adjust to spending my hours working for my community, so that my mother has less opportunity to make demands of me, and otherwise torment me.  I still support her in so many ways, but the craziness never ends.  The only thing we can do is manage how we respond to it.  For example, last night I took a call from her that was wackamole. For 20 min H and I tried to settle her emotions, but when she started blaming the doctors trying to help her, and bringing her flying monkeys and their ideas into the conversation, I ended the call.  Nevertheless, I am not ruminating, and I am getting on with my life.  This forum helps, I have a T and a supportive H. There is no other family support because there is no other family within 800 miles of where I live, and they are too old to help anyway.

I guess what I am saying is that with work it is possible to get through this, and take back autonomy for your life.  Lots of good people on this forum share their knowledge, experience and perspectives.  

Focus on the positives in daily life if you can.  It’s not you!  That’s so important to acknowledge.  Try to find time to notice the things that bring you joy.  For me,  it’s taking time to hear birdsongs, or notice a helpful person while shopping…little things like that.

I hope you have an ok day. Take care of you!  How will you do that? 

[Wend A]

It took me a while to learn how to reply on this site. Looks like you're doing great! Let us know if you're having trouble with something in particular.

Thank you very much for this advice.  I’m hoping I’ve done it correctly.  I’m usually quite tech savvy but finding replying on this site particularly difficult.  And I feel rude for not replying as I keep forgetting I’m not notified when someone replies.

“Help in particular” is a real tough one.  Yes, I suspect there are specifics but part of my learnt behaviour is to cope alone and not ask for help or advice!  I already feel needy, demanding and “it’s just not worth it”before I can even process what it is I need help with!

[Wend A]

About your mom and the exhaustion you're feeling.  When you finally let something big like this go, it's a relief, but it can really bring up a lot of mixed feelings.  My advice:  let the feelings wash over you, really experience them, don't try to stop it, let it all out, cry or scream or clunch your hands and release them over and over, whatever it is you gotta do.  Physically, release those feelings!  I mean they have been bottled up inside for quite awhile, right?  Let all those feelings out: confusion, relief, anger, joy, sadness, shame, whatever it is you're feeling.  That is called grief.  It's the grief of letting go of a mother you never had.

Absolutely!  Thank you soo much!  I keep forgetting why I’m processing and questioning why I’m on the verge of tears so much at the moment.  And the exhaustion is crazy.  Reading everyone’s replies is reminding me in not crazy and haven’t imagined it all this time and finally see it wasn’t me!  xxx

[pursuingJoy]

And I feel rude for not replying as I keep forgetting I’m not notified when someone replies.

Look at you quoting people! You nailed it. And no worries about not replying right away or even at all. We're a pretty laid back bunch here.

You're doing a great job of communicating. If you think of something specific we can help you with, drop us a line here. Practice expressing your needs and wants with us. We're safe!

Have you responded to other people's posts yet? No pressure, but feel free to. Most of us find that helping others and connecting is therapeutic.

[Wend A]

Have you responded to other people's posts yet? No pressure, but feel free to. Most of us find that helping others and connecting is therapeutic.

Oooh blimey

[Wend A]

Oooh blimey

Just shows I can’t navigate this confusing but adorable website as the heartfelt response I wrote… appeared as merely “ooh blimey

[Turkish]

Just shows I can’t navigate this confusing but adorable website as the heartfelt response I wrote… appeared as merely “ooh blimey

This might help, especially the first link.

Site FAQ

[pursuingJoy]

hahaha 'oohh blimey' made me laugh. Hang in there, Wend A the site gets easier.

Keep us posted!


pj

[Wend A]

Thank you everyone, this site helps hugely…. Just knowing I’m not the one to blame.  Well, not anymore…..  but 50yrs of blame will take some unpacking.  

Mum is now worse, her anxiety/paranoia is now so high she is quite literally hearing things & accusing neighbours of playing music during the night (they have a new born baby, are most certainly not doing this & I have even stayed & heard nothing while she insists there is music, my hearing is just bad!). She stopped speaking to neighbours, insisting they are doing it on purpose.  

I don’t know how to help her.  The depths of negativity & self induced paranoia are intolerable

[Methuen]

This sounds difficult.  Do you think she could be having a psychotic break, or is there a chance this is real?

One of the things I do when mother is telling me her problems is defer to her doctor and say “have you told Dr ______?  Do you want to make an appointment?”  She could explain to the doc that she hears music in the night…

But that might not work in this  instance, although it could be helpful if her doc picked up on a mental health crisis and referred to a pschiatrist.

If the music from the  neighbours turned out to be real, she could call the police.  If the police  came and there was no music, they would talk to her, which there would then be a record of.  It might halt her behavior.

Basically she’s expecting you to solve her problem which might or might not exist in the first place.  It would be better to ask her validating questions to put the ball back in her court, and let her solve her own problems.  “Have you called the police?”  Do not do this for her.  She needs to do her own work. Her music isn’t your problem.  She is an adult, and needs to solve her own problems.  Anything you do to try to help isn’t likely to measure up anyways.

Thoughts?

[Wend A]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply x

There is def no music/noise.  I have stayed & my auntie also.  We heard nothing even when she was adamant it was happening. The neighbours are lovely and have spoken with me, apologised if they’re newborn baby woke us, etc. 

I have told her to visit a doctor.  I am even debating asking if I can speak with her GP. 

She accuses people of ignoring her, disliking her, all sorts of stuff…. Anything to justify her having a bitter and angry demeanour. 

It’s utterly draining & I feel dreadful as I hate spending time with her…. But my father is dying (in a care home) and I know she needs me.  But she has always needed me and relied in me for her emotional well being, even when I was a small child….. I see now I had no healthy responses to anything because her needs always came first.  As an adult that’s left me with broken relationships, no self worth and zero boundaries  :-(

[missing NC]

Hi Wend A,

This sounds like the early stages of dementia. My mom too had auditory hallucinations at night. She thought people were exercising in her building and keeping her awake.  The paranoia also sounds like dementia.  My mom's last doctor prescribed Trazadone for night. It is a very sedating antidepressant.  I hope you are able to get her assessed and set up with the proper care. 

This is not an easy road for either of you. I wish you luck. 

[Wend A]

Oh goodness really?  That hadn’t even crossed my mind.  Thank you for your insight.  I will insist she visits the doctor now for sure x

[missing NC]

Understandable. I took me about six months to figure out that the night-time exercisers were not real.  After sleeping over for the third time, when she woke up due to "noise" I had not heard, I finally had the presence of mind to ask if she was still hearing it. 

It would be a good idea to have a friend or relative attend the doctor appointment with her.  Wishing you luck and fortitude. 

[Methuen]

I have told her to visit a doctor.  I am even debating asking if I can speak with her GP.  

Do you want to consider offering to go with her to do the doctor?  The advantage to this is that you are there to know what is going on.  I still do this with my mom, even if it's a phone appointment.  Otherwise, what was happening was my mom was going to the doctor, but not addressing the real problem with him (i.e. hearing noise at night during sleep). And I couldn't trust her reporting to know what she actually told him.  By going with her, my mom felt supported, and I could keep the conversation on the real reason for being there, and I knew what was actually going on.  Of course if I spoke up and told the truth about what she was experiencing, she didn't always like that, but then she shouldn't be complaining to me about it.

Also, I have called my mom's GP on several occasions to relay information to him.  I also explain that I know he can't discuss her care with me for reasons of confidentiality, but I have information that I believe would be helpful for him to know about in his care for her.  Then I say what I have to say - sticking to the facts, and keeping it as brief as possible.  I also emphasize the need to keep my conversation with him confidential from my mom, because if she found out I called him, well we all know what would happen...

It’s utterly draining & I feel dreadful as I hate spending time with her…. But my father is dying (in a care home) and I know she needs me.  But she has always needed me and relied in me for her emotional well being

And there it is.  Her need for attention, because your father is dying.  She is "losing" him, and a lot of attention is on him.  That will certainly cause her distress.

You can't fix her feelings or her distress Wend A.  She needs to deal with that herself.  Are you familiar with the educational part of this website?  Tools such as SET, not JADEing, boundaries, and using validating questions?  

If your dad is at or nearing the end of his life, your attention can rightly be focussed on him, if that's what you want.  I have come to see my uBPD mom as a child in an adult's body.  She probably has the emotional intelligence of about a 12 year old, although even that age may be decreasing with her mild cognitive impairments.  She's 86.  My message here is that I have learned to use all the tools on this website to some degree of effectiveness, and taken my life back.  My point is to give you hope that this can be done.

The most important thing right now is to take care of yourself.  Self-care.  You can't help your dad (or for that matter your mom), if you yourself are breaking down.  Your priority should be to take care of yourself first.

[GaGrl]

Wendy, I spent months last year caring for my bedridden mother (age 94) who had a few BPD traits but was not BPD nor NPD. She could be a handful!

As my mom transitioned from home healthcare to hospice care, she experienced more and more auditory and visual hallucinations, which raised her anxiety. She took seroquel and ativan to help with this.

I think dementia onset could very well be at play with your mother. Can you give her doctor this info?

[Mommydoc]

I am so impressed with your insights and mastery of the site! When I turned 50 I was still clueless about BPD. My mom doesn’t have BPD but has Parkinsons dementia. I agree that the hallucinations are likely part of your mothers progressive dementia. My mother has been very successfully treated for her auditory hallucinations. It was horrible when she was experiencing them. I  had to go beyond her PCP and utilize a geriatric psychiatrist to get her the right treatment.

Generally if someone is experiencing hallucinations, it is best not to say it is not real and rather try to talk them through it. That is hard to do, but worth trying. Just keep asking details like you are asking someone to describe a moving. “Then what happened?” Often there are elements of reality that you can help connect them to that will help ground them.

 It may also be time to consider if she is able to make medical decisions for herself. Has she designated a health care decision maker in the case she is not able to make decisions for herself? Given your relationship and her BPD, it might be better for you if someone else took that role on for her. You need to process your grief for your father and your personal trauma. If there is someone else who could responsibly become her medical decision maker it would be a better as they could also buffer for you. It’s a journey not a destination. Stay in touch.

[Mommydoc]

Oops a movie, not moving!

[Wend A]

I'm sure you will find there are lots of ressources on this website and many wise and knowledgeable people.

Thank you!  I’m struggling to navigate the site but have already read “stop walking on eggshells” which was a huge eye opener and turning point.  Suddenly my life & all my failures and hurts made so much sense.  Now trying to figure out how to find/build some sort of self esteem that I’ve never had before. 

So pleased I found you all x

[Daisy Green]

Thank you for sharing your story, Wend A. I'm new here, too, but am really learning from reading stories like yours & from everyone's replies.  I don't have advice... just compassion (insert heart here.)