Always accused

[Hartseer61]

I am so very thankful that I have found this community! I’ve been spending time reading posts and replies and can see so many similarities in the posts.
As a single mother to my last daughter since she was 8. Her father abruptly left at that time and has been in her life very sporadically since... he is BD and had several years of being out of control.. pretty much any activity that can come with BD he was in.. though a great deal kept away from my daughter she experienced abandonment and neglect from him.. I would say to some degree from me as well.. not intentionally.. but trying to deal with the mess left me pretty exhausted all the way around..
(Loss of partner, sole care of daughter, maintaining a full time job, finances, loss of house, as well as the dealing with his emotional roller with the new found girlfriend)
When I realized what was happening with her father, I tried very hard to protect my daughter we both went to counseling .she seemed ok till about 12.. I knew at this point something was not the same, this is when her angry outbursts started  along with lying , the inability to do simple tasks at home. Trouble with school, making friends etc  (she has 3 older sisters who all are very stable) but I believe now I did all the wrong things where her behavior was concerned. Not out of hate or malice but more absolute ignorance.. I had no idea what she/I were dealing with.. I can see through my daughters eyes that she felt completely let down unprotected from me. I know this is not the complete truth but how she perceived it.. I know like any parent I was not perfect but trying very hard to do my best for her.. I also understand that there were times I mistakingly aggravated her mental condition rather than help her.
She is currently still seeing her therapist which I believe is good.. I am aware though he would like her to see someone better suited for BPD, though
I have seen small improvements in her behavior.. I am trying to learn as much as I can and apply it.. but I am struggling with setting good boundaries, keeping my own head when the rage comes.. there are still meltdowns and angry outbursts with all the hateful accusations that can come with it at the drop of a hat. Many times from a perceived interruption of her space or a simple request of her..
With this glimpse of our life .. I am curious are there family members out there who have ended up with a better relationship with their BPD children and would they share their successes

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Trying2Survive]

Sometimes I read these and get so angry.  How can our children not SEE how much we are trying.  When I read posts about really trying to understand where our kids re coming from - LISTENING and HEARING them.  Acknowledging where we may have gone wrong (while not for lack of trying but lack of knowledge) but why is it always on US. 

My daughter expects grovelling and daily effort to EARN her forgiveness if we say or do anything she doesnt like.  However NEVER apologizes.  EVER.

I am generally able to talk myself out of these angry moments so I dont cause more conflict but it seems so unfair that we hold this burden with nothing in return.

[Hartseer61]

I so understand.. though it’s been several years that I have lived with the rages and of course did not handle them well.. many well meaning witnesses of course telling me I’m spoiling her.. ( 3 older daughters doing well no issues other than normal life) for me.. I was and am the last one standing .. though she has plenty of blame to go around.. I tend to get the brunt.. I was the only one with her for years so of course who’s fault could it be.. though I am trying to find any “chink” in the armor of BPD and now I am probably spoiling her.. which I know can’t be good.. I have always wanted all my girls to be equipped to stand on their own.. but I am so terrified of pushing her over the edge.. that trying to set good boundaries is proving a very difficult tasks..
this is such an insidious disease.. the ones that love and care the most are relegated to be the enemy..

[Trying2Survive]

I hardly talk to anyone about her anymore.  Its too hard to get the same 'parenting advice' that just doesnt work.  Feels like Im always defending myself and her on some level.  Which is why its so nice to have this space to speak freely without judgment and with understanding.

We had an episode this morning and she just kept crying and screaming WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?

I am working on not allowing false statements to affect me personally but some of the literature does blame ME.  It blames parenting styles and conflict in the home etc.  I genuinely thought we had a safe and loving home but when she tells me things from her perspective I am horrified and do understand some of what she tells me.

What is the line between support and spoil.  Boundaries.  Everyone talks about them but I need to know WHAT EXACTLY ARE BOUNDARIES that are helping her and not hurting her.

If I did so much damage as a parent - how is me ignoring the outbursts now helping?  Apparently invalidating her as a child was part of the problem?

I would pay any amount of money for someone to watch videos of our home before and during an episode and tell me exactly how to move forward.  What I did right and wrong - and what boundaries I need to put in place for my child specifically.  Ill do it.  Ill follow along but I need specifics.  Not just a general - you need better boundaries.

[M-T]

Trying2Survive,

I have had the same struggles figuring out what boundaries are appropriate. And I don't think there is any defined answer because everyone is different, every situation is different. What one person can tolerate or live with, is different than another. And we are all in different stages of acceptance, etc.

I see a therapist and rely heavily on her to help me figure this out. And most importantly - to feel okay about the boundaries I do set.

This discussion also helped me because people make a variety of suggestions and provide language about boundaries: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=94125.msg934074

The validation part is super hard, too. I take notes all the time about it, but when it comes to a conversation, I often fail. One I recently read I think I could use consistently. It's acknowledging the feeling w/o agreeing with it. And may also provide a moment of reflection for your daughter, which is, "Can you tell me what brought up those feelings for you?" So you aren't denying her feelings, even if they're unfounded ("You don't love me", etc.). You are showing genuine interest and acknowledging the feeling. And providing an opportunity for her to provide real examples. Maybe she won't be able to, maybe she'll rail off other untrue accusations. From there, I don't know. It's hard, that's all there is to it. Practice makes perfect but practice requires entering into unpleasant and scary situations.

[hlespier]

I am so grateful for this forum. Reading about real people with my same issues is very comforting, without the stigmas and prejudice that  I constantly encounter.
The limits issue, and the true understanding of what they really mean, have absorbed my life for the past few months, specially when my dd husband [not bpd] began argumenting that neither my husband nor myself "respected my dd limits". It was obvious to me that we had different opinions and/or perspectives of what limits truly are. As he described the "topic" I realized that instead of boundaries, they had set up "walls" for a healthy family setting. I clearly understood that for years he had been validating her conduct, even believing every single story my dd had told him over their 8 yr relationship. Thanks for the reference. I needed it badly. In the meantime, let's focus on our children as "special needs" ⁹individuals who need us, even when they don't get it.