How to move on?

[lightbeam]

Dear All,
It's taken over twelve years to get here. I spent two years writing a book about my experiences trying to make sense of it all. Because of journaling I insisted on 'us' going to therapy. That's when therapist suggested my partner has BPD (also narcissism) and asked me to read Walking On Eggshells. I then spent weeks crying after that. I've asked for separation.
I definitely ticked all the behaviours of a co-dependent/ lack of boundaries partner. I've done all the work to see myself clearly and understand my partner but could still do with support on building my own value system/ maintain boundaries relative to spouse. Especially as we try to separate. Trying to form an independent identity after over so many years of being at the receiving end is hard.

Feels like I've done so much work to get here but finding the energy to separate is hard. He's put the whole onus on me to decide how that looks, where we live, etc etc and I'm exhausted before I've even begun (two kids <11 but old enough to reason with).

Thanks xx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Lightbeam
You have climbed a mountain - it is no wonder you are just exhausted. You want to get to the other side rather than just mark time at this point of the journey.

'Separating' is a huge process involving all aspects of life - as you mention, where you live, how you support the children etc.

I wonder if you have written down all the steps that need to be taken, and looked at each in turn and what the options are for each step? As someone who journals, writing down is a way you can look at things as a process and take each step as you find the energy to do so.

You have done well to get to this point - not far to go now

[Rev]

Dear All,
It's taken over twelve years to get here. I spent two years writing a book about my experiences trying to make sense of it all. Because of journaling I insisted on 'us' going to therapy. That's when therapist suggested my partner has BPD (also narcissism) and asked me to read Walking On Eggshells. I then spent weeks crying after that. I've asked for separation.
I definitely ticked all the behaviours of a co-dependent/ lack of boundaries partner. I've done all the work to see myself clearly and understand my partner but could still do with support on building my own value system/ maintain boundaries relative to spouse. Especially as we try to separate. Trying to form an independent identity after over so many years of being at the receiving end is hard.

Feels like I've done so much work to get here but finding the energy to separate is hard. He's put the whole onus on me to decide how that looks, where we live, etc etc and I'm exhausted before I've even begun (two kids <11 but old enough to reason with).

Thanks xx

Hello Lightbeam,

Welcome.  If I read this correctly, you are in the midst of some kind of separation with a spouse? Currently this has been posted on the relatives board - where the discussions revolve around family relationships other than a spouse of intimate partner.

I will have one of the moderators of our site contact you to help you decide which is the best place for you to keep reaching out.

Now that that's out of the way - I also wanted to say that I am glad you found us. This is a very supportive place with lots of wisdom and zero judgement.  I hear you saying that you are carrying a lot of responsibility and that it's a lot. While it's not fun, I can say that it is unfortunately normal. And sometimes that can be really discouraging. There is, as you say in your own way, a lot to navigate and decide. That is true of any break-up and I think that dealing with a partner with a mood disorder adds another level of complexity to the mix.

Hang in there, though. There are people here who have lived through all kinds of experiences. I trust you'll get the support you need. Reach out any time.

I'll make sure someone contacts you.

Rev